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‘Off Sides’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Off Sides

103. Off Sides

Aired October 1, 1991

Tim forgets that he and Jill have dinner plans on the night of a big football game, leaving them without a baby sitter.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Honey, would you like to go and watch the game?
Tim: No. No. We were talking about... Uh... [long silence]
Jill: Ballroom dancing.
Tim: Ballroom dancing. That's what it is. [shouting from kitchen]
Jill: So anyway. The lessons are on Tuesday nights. And, uh, it doesn't really cost very much. [shouting from kitchen] And... I've been having an affair with a space alien.
Tim: Uh-huh.
Jill: Yep. I'm... I'm having his baby.
Tim: Uh-huh.
Rick: Touchdown!

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: The point is, you and Jill don't have to understand each other completely. What is important is to share and enjoy the things you both do understand.
Tim: That's exactly what she was talking about, too. Sharing. She wanted to share. But ballroom dancing?
Wilson: Well, why don't you give it a try, Tim? [Tim grumbles] As the ancient Celtic saying goes: never give a sword to a man who can't dance.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to the Taylor home. We're about ready to start that second half of this fantastic game. Green Bay Packers. Minnesota Vikings. [grunts] Before we go down to the field. Let's check out that snack situation. Mark, take it away.
Mark: Pretzels, liquorice, pork rinds.
Tim: Yeah. That's three major food groups right there: salt, sugar, lard. Um, all right. Today, I got cold brewskis for me. Ice-cold root brewskis for my boys...
Brad: Dad? Here are the chips.
Tim: You got it, buddy.
Brad: Go long.
Tim: Nice pass, kid. All right. [Tim struggles to open the bag of chips]
Randy: Dad?
Tim: What?
Randy: You're turning all red.
Tim: [bag splits open] [laughs] There's a warning label right there. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight in Detroit. Could cause an explosion. [chuckles]
Jill: Wow. Look at this warning label. Socks may strike husband unexpectedly.
Tim: You could put an eye out like that.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Unbelievable.
Tim: I completely forgot. We can't get a baby-sitter at this late hour. This is a tremendous disappointment to me.
Jill: Yeah, I'll bet it is. This was supposed to be our romantic night out.
Tim: Hey, romance? I got it. Why don't you and I go upstairs, turn the lights down, sit in bed, bottle of wine, and we can watch the game up there.
Jill: You're not getting out of this with anything short of pneumonia.
Tim: [coughs] Boy, it's funny you mentioned that. This morning I horked up something nasty-looking. It shot right out of my lungs.
Jill: Well, suck it back in. We're going to dinner.

Quote from Jill

Larry Houdini: But tell me, where are the birthday balloons, funny party hats, the pony ride?
Jill: Well, um, actually, no one here's having a birthday.
Larry Houdini: Well, you told me on the phone it was a birthday.
Jill: I know. I lied. I'm so sorry. I was desperate. My husband didn't get a baby-sitter. And I called everybody I knew. And everybody was busy. And couldn't you just please stay?
Larry Houdini: Never. Never! Sir Larry has performed prestidigitation before prime ministers, heads of state, two kings, and a cranky duke. And never once has he stooped to baby-sitting to make ends meet. [Jill takes a bill out of her purse] [sings] Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday... your names here Happy birthday to you
Jill: Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Let's go, Tim.
Tim: We should stay and watch a trick.
Jill: It's not gonna work, Tim. Let's go.
Tim: Oh, my wallet. Left it over there by the TV.
Jill: I've got credits cards.
Tim: Do you? My medicine's up by the TV upstairs.
Jill: You don't take medicine.
Tim: Oh. I should take some. I'm feeling a horker coming on.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Did you miss me?
Tim: Sure I missed you.
Jill: Are you OK?
Tim: Oh, yeah. You ever twist your neck real fast and get one of those cricks. Well, I got that.
Jill: Do you want me to rub it?
Tim: My neck?
Jill: Your neck.

Quote from Tim

Tim: No, if I put my hand like this... it feels much better now.
Jill: OK. Ooh, look at this. Endive souflé prepared with mushrooms.
Tim: Yes! Mushroom, mm.
Jill: [chuckles] Tim, you don't like mushrooms.
Tim: At home, no. But here, you know... They're in oils and stuff here. Yeah.
Jill: Look, look, they have your favorite, trout almondine.
Tim: All right!
Rick: What happened?
Tim: I'm having the trout!

Quote from Randy

Brad: Do we get to stick swords in the box?
Larry Houdini: Sword in the box, fantastic illusion. Sets the mind reeling and the pulse racing. I don't do it.
Mark: Why not?
Larry Houdini: Too easy. Now then, my lad. Will you kindly assist me into the trunk? Thank you. Now, you will close the trunk and lock it. When I give the command, you will set the timer at ten seconds. And when the timer goes off... I shall appear at the front door.
Randy: I don't know. Ten seconds isn't very long.
Larry Houdini: To you. But to Sir Larry, ten seconds is an eternity. Now, boys, prepare to be astonished. Close the lid! [o.s.] Is the top securely locked?
Brad: Yes, it is.
Larry Houdini: [o.s.] Then set the timer and stand back. [struggles and grunts]
[A puff of smoke emanates from the trunk as the timer rings. The boys rush to open the front door.]
Randy: Sir Larry?
Larry Houdini: [o.s.] Boys! Reset the timer.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know what you are, Tim. You are a sports addict.
Tim: I am not. I like sports. I have a very healthy interest, but I am not an addict.
[As a waiter emerges from the kitchen, the staff can be heard yelling]
Tim: Is that the Lions game on in there?
Waiter: Yes. That's why service is a little slow. The staff have a television in the kitchen. [Tim and Rick grab the waiter] Did you get a score?
Rick: What's the score?
Waiter: Uh, I'm not sure. I know the Lions intercepted a pass on the Rams' 20.
Both: Yes!
Rick: I bet it was Spielman.
Tim: Oh, Chris Spielman, awesome player. Last week, see him against Minnesota?
Rick: See him? Man, I was there. [shouting from kitchen] I can't take it. I can't take it. I've got to see this game. Honey, I'm sorry. I'll be back.
[Tim runs after Rick and follows him into the kitchen before turning right around]
Tim: That guy's got a problem. [chuckles] That guy is addicted to sports. He is out of control.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know how we're always talking about how we need to find more things that we can do together for fun?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: We always talk about it, but we never do anything about it?
Tim: Let's do something about it. Next weekend: monster truck rally and tractor pull.
Jill: Well, gee. As much fun as that sounds. I was really thinking more along the lines of... ballroom dancing.
Tim: Yeah. Boy, that was my second choice.
Jill: No, no, really. I'm serious. I think it would really be fun to take dancing lessons.
Tim: Me? The King? Remember college? Yeah.
Jill: Tim, disco didn't die. You killed it.

Quote from Mark

Mark: [answers phone] Hello? Hi. Mommy. Guess what happened to Sir Larry.
Randy: Mark! Don't tell her, stupid. [takes the phone]
Mark: Why? We didn't do anything.
Randy: The guy's locked in a box. Who do you think she's gonna blame? [on the phone] Hi, Mom. Yeah, we're fine. Oh, yeah, he's excellent. A lotta fun. Yeah. Good tricks, too. Um... now? Well... he can't talk right now. [to Brad] She wants to talk to Mark.
Brad: That's because she knows you'll squeal.
Mark: I won't squeal. I promise. [takes the phone] Hello, Mommy. Brad and Randy locked Sir Larry in the trunk. [Brad and Randy chase after Mark]

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Howdy, neighbor.
Tim: What are you doing over there?
Wilson: Just mending the bellows on my accordion.
Tim: Cool.
Wilson: What's in the trunk?
Tim: A famous magician.
Wilson: Oh, is he coming out of the box?
Tim: As soon as his son comes over and unlocks it.
Wilson: Not much of a trick, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: You got a problem?
Tim: Well, it's Jill. I love her. She's the most important thing in my life.
Wilson: What did you do this time, Tim?
Tim: We went out tonight to have a night just by ourselves - real romantic, that kinda stuff - and I spoiled it because of a football game. We won.
Wilson: Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
Tim: I don't know what it is about football and me. I'm obsessed, I think.
Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim?
Tim: I think it's 'cause I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise and the strategy and the strength. The big guys, the logos. The colorful helmets. The shine and the pads and the mouth guards. The cleats and the hit and the impact. The swearing, the sweat... [grunts] Sets me free, Wilson.

Quote from Al

Tim: Once you've cut the opening, you're ready to lay the sink in there, right? Al?
Al: Uh, that's right, Tim.
Tim: You know, home improvement's not just about renovating the kitchen. [Tim talks to camera as Al struggles to carry the sink] There's a lot of other ways to improve your home. Always be aware of your partner's needs. Take time out to share some special time with your spouse. Right, Al?
Al: I'm not married, Tim.
Tim: Well, if you change those shirts and get a haircut, or something.
Al: I got a haircut.
Tim: Get a better one, Al.
Al: OK.
Tim: All right. We drop it on "three", yeah?
Al: On three.
Tim: One.
Al: Two. [drops the sink]
Tim: [groans] Al?

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