Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Off Sides’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Home Improvement: Off Sides

103. Off Sides

Aired October 1, 1991

Tim forgets that he and Jill have dinner plans on the night of a big football game, leaving them without a baby sitter.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Honey, would you like to go and watch the game?
Tim: No. No. We were talking about... Uh... [long silence]
Jill: Ballroom dancing.
Tim: Ballroom dancing. That's what it is. [shouting from kitchen]
Jill: So anyway. The lessons are on Tuesday nights. And, uh, it doesn't really cost very much. [shouting from kitchen] And... I've been having an affair with a space alien.
Tim: Uh-huh.
Jill: Yep. I'm... I'm having his baby.
Tim: Uh-huh.
Rick: Touchdown!


Quote from Wilson

Wilson: The point is, you and Jill don't have to understand each other completely. What is important is to share and enjoy the things you both do understand.
Tim: That's exactly what she was talking about, too. Sharing. She wanted to share. But ballroom dancing?
Wilson: Well, why don't you give it a try, Tim? [Tim grumbles] As the ancient Celtic saying goes: never give a sword to a man who can't dance.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to the Taylor home. We're about ready to start that second half of this fantastic game. Green Bay Packers. Minnesota Vikings. [grunts] Before we go down to the field. Let's check out that snack situation. Mark, take it away.
Mark: Pretzels, liquorice, pork rinds.
Tim: Yeah. That's three major food groups right there: salt, sugar, lard. Um, all right. Today, I got cold brewskis for me. Ice-cold root brewskis for my boys...
Brad: Dad? Here are the chips.
Tim: You got it, buddy.
Brad: Go long.
Tim: Nice pass, kid. All right. [Tim struggles to open the bag of chips]
Randy: Dad?
Tim: What?
Randy: You're turning all red.
Tim: [bag splits open] [laughs] There's a warning label right there. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight in Detroit. Could cause an explosion. [chuckles]
Jill: Wow. Look at this warning label. Socks may strike husband unexpectedly.
Tim: You could put an eye out like that.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Unbelievable.
Tim: I completely forgot. We can't get a baby-sitter at this late hour. This is a tremendous disappointment to me.
Jill: Yeah, I'll bet it is. This was supposed to be our romantic night out.
Tim: Hey, romance? I got it. Why don't you and I go upstairs, turn the lights down, sit in bed, bottle of wine, and we can watch the game up there.
Jill: You're not getting out of this with anything short of pneumonia.
Tim: [coughs] Boy, it's funny you mentioned that. This morning I horked up something nasty-looking. It shot right out of my lungs.
Jill: Well, suck it back in. We're going to dinner.

Quote from Jill

Larry Houdini: But tell me, where are the birthday balloons, funny party hats, the pony ride?
Jill: Well, um, actually, no one here's having a birthday.
Larry Houdini: Well, you told me on the phone it was a birthday.
Jill: I know. I lied. I'm so sorry. I was desperate. My husband didn't get a baby-sitter. And I called everybody I knew. And everybody was busy. And couldn't you just please stay?
Larry Houdini: Never. Never! Sir Larry has performed prestidigitation before prime ministers, heads of state, two kings, and a cranky duke. And never once has he stooped to baby-sitting to make ends meet. [Jill takes a bill out of her purse] [sings] Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday... your names here Happy birthday to you
Jill: Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Let's go, Tim.
Tim: We should stay and watch a trick.
Jill: It's not gonna work, Tim. Let's go.
Tim: Oh, my wallet. Left it over there by the TV.
Jill: I've got credits cards.
Tim: Do you? My medicine's up by the TV upstairs.
Jill: You don't take medicine.
Tim: Oh. I should take some. I'm feeling a horker coming on.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Did you miss me?
Tim: Sure I missed you.
Jill: Are you OK?
Tim: Oh, yeah. You ever twist your neck real fast and get one of those cricks. Well, I got that.
Jill: Do you want me to rub it?
Tim: My neck?
Jill: Your neck.

Quote from Tim

Tim: No, if I put my hand like this... it feels much better now.
Jill: OK. Ooh, look at this. Endive souflé prepared with mushrooms.
Tim: Yes! Mushroom, mm.
Jill: [chuckles] Tim, you don't like mushrooms.
Tim: At home, no. But here, you know... They're in oils and stuff here. Yeah.
Jill: Look, look, they have your favorite, trout almondine.
Tim: All right!
Rick: What happened?
Tim: I'm having the trout!

Quote from Randy

Brad: Do we get to stick swords in the box?
Larry Houdini: Sword in the box, fantastic illusion. Sets the mind reeling and the pulse racing. I don't do it.
Mark: Why not?
Larry Houdini: Too easy. Now then, my lad. Will you kindly assist me into the trunk? Thank you. Now, you will close the trunk and lock it. When I give the command, you will set the timer at ten seconds. And when the timer goes off... I shall appear at the front door.
Randy: I don't know. Ten seconds isn't very long.
Larry Houdini: To you. But to Sir Larry, ten seconds is an eternity. Now, boys, prepare to be astonished. Close the lid! [o.s.] Is the top securely locked?
Brad: Yes, it is.
Larry Houdini: [o.s.] Then set the timer and stand back. [struggles and grunts]
[A puff of smoke emanates from the trunk as the timer rings. The boys rush to open the front door.]
Randy: Sir Larry?
Larry Houdini: [o.s.] Boys! Reset the timer.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know what you are, Tim. You are a sports addict.
Tim: I am not. I like sports. I have a very healthy interest, but I am not an addict.
[As a waiter emerges from the kitchen, the staff can be heard yelling]
Tim: Is that the Lions game on in there?
Waiter: Yes. That's why service is a little slow. The staff have a television in the kitchen. [Tim and Rick grab the waiter] Did you get a score?
Rick: What's the score?
Waiter: Uh, I'm not sure. I know the Lions intercepted a pass on the Rams' 20.
Both: Yes!
Rick: I bet it was Spielman.
Tim: Oh, Chris Spielman, awesome player. Last week, see him against Minnesota?
Rick: See him? Man, I was there. [shouting from kitchen] I can't take it. I can't take it. I've got to see this game. Honey, I'm sorry. I'll be back.
[Tim runs after Rick and follows him into the kitchen before turning right around]
Tim: That guy's got a problem. [chuckles] That guy is addicted to sports. He is out of control.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode