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‘You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

217. You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

Aired February 10, 1993

Tim doesn't want to stop and ask for directions when he and Jill drive to a wedding.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Our wedding was so beautiful. I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?
Jill: Oh, no one. You know, just... my mom, my dad, my sisters, my friends. The minister. The postman. Some guy down at the mailbox. You know. Oh, and Sheila.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Who said to me, "Don't marry him. I know a loser when I see one."
Tim: Good thing she was wrong.
Jill: Who said she was wrong? [Tim smushes cake in Jill's face]

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: [grunts] I should have just done what she said. You know, got directions and forget my stupid instincts.
Wilson: Oh, Tim. Don't sell your stupid instincts short. Do you realize that people have a tiny compass in their nose?
Tim: I was never aware of that, no.
Wilson: Yes, it's true. People have a tiny iron deposit in their nose. It's right up here, [nasally] near the ethmoid bone. [normally] And that gives them directions to magnetic north, and since men have more iron in their bodies than women, it only follows that they would make a better compass.
Tim: [nasally] If I have such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding?
Wilson: Pardon me, Tim?
Tim: [normally] If I have such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding?
Wilson: Well, Tim, a map is a little more accurate than your nose. Plus, it's a heck of a lot easier to fold.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't take any chances. I have to be there a couple of hours early.
Tim: I think you're forgetting who has the radar-like sense of direction around here.
Jill: Tim?
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: Car is out front.
Tim: Well, the radar doesn't really kick in till you get in the car.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You know, seeing that sign was a good thing, 'cause now we know that we are finally in the right direction.
Jill: Oh, good. Pull up to that minimart over there. You can find out how to get to North Adams.
Tim: I don't need the directions now.
Jill: Stop and ask for directions, or I will get up early every morning and burn your sports section.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, tell me, Mr. Wedding Genius Expert, how would you plan a wedding?
Tim: Oh, easy. I'd go with that football theme. The old gridiron wedding. Have the minister stand up there, and - you know where he stands - you put a big... one of those wide-screen TVs, right behind him. So you can catch the play-offs. Then right at the right moment, the minister would say: "You may raise the helmet and kiss the bride." Then you'd spike the ball and carry her off.

Quote from Tim

Al: When cutting the shelving for your entertainment center, you want to remember the old carpenters' adage, "Measure twice, cut once."
Tim: Yeah, but what about the other adage by the Carpenters? [sings] Why do birds suddenly appear When you're near?

Quote from Tim

Al: If you'd like plans for our entertainment center, write to us, Tool Time, and ask for Tool Time plan A340.
Tim: But A340 won't include the little adjustment I made.
Al: And what little adjustment would that be, Tim?
Tim: I installed a little swing-out drawer for the VCR.
Al: Well, plan A340 does not require a pull-out drawer and will not be in the blueprints.
Tim: Al, Al, Al. Let's not get hung up on blueprints, shall we, Al?
Let's think about the many things in life that have been built just on the old noggin, using the imagination. Like the Seven Wonders of the World.
Al: I believe the Sphinx required extensive blueprints, Tim.
Tim: Al, Al, Al. I'm talking about the seven wonders of the manly world. Wing nuts. Oh, ho, ho. The athletic cup. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Gatorade.
Al: You're comparing Gatorade to the Sphinx?
Tim: Has the Sphinx ever replaced your electrolytes? I don't think so, Al.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, can we stop this nonsense and please get back to our project at hand?
Tim: As you can see, I've added a new roller on the drawer, here, using Binford's new easy-glide system. It's Teflon-coated, so it's just like fluid movements.
Al: Well, I hope you put stops on the front of the track, Tim.
Tim: Gosh, I hope I did, otherwise things would just fall right out. [pulls drawer out]
Al: It worked. I apologize.
Tim: It is fluid-like movement 'cause you can move your VCR in and out just like that.
[As Al slides the VCR drawer back, it falls out the back of the cabinet]

Quote from Tim

Jill: What did you do with that list of instructions that Sheila gave us?
Tim: I tossed 'em out.
Jill: Oh, no! Why?
Tim: We have been to North Adams a hundred times.
Jill: I need those. They're very specific to get to that church. Here they are.
Tim: I know the church. She's almost been married there three times. You just follow the teardrops right up to the door.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I don't think we're on the right road.
Tim: We're fine. We followed all the signs for the detour.
Jill: Sheila said that after 45 minutes we should pass a 20-foot guy holding a huge doughnut.
Tim: We missed him. Maybe he's out looking for a 40-foot cup of coffee to dunk it in.
Jill: Tim, what road are we on?
Tim: 127. Heading south.
Jill: OK. 127. Sheila said that we would see a place called Rhonda's Discount Hair Outlet.
Tim: Does Sheila know the roads actually have numbers? 94, 127? There's no Interstate Big Guy With A Doughnut.

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