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Home Improvement: You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

217. You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts

Aired February 10, 1993

Tim doesn't want to stop and ask for directions when he and Jill drive to a wedding.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Our wedding was so beautiful. I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?
Jill: Oh, no one. You know, just... my mom, my dad, my sisters, my friends. The minister. The postman. Some guy down at the mailbox. You know. Oh, and Sheila.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Who said to me, "Don't marry him. I know a loser when I see one."
Tim: Good thing she was wrong.
Jill: Who said she was wrong? [Tim smushes cake in Jill's face]

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: [grunts] I should have just done what she said. You know, got directions and forget my stupid instincts.
Wilson: Oh, Tim. Don't sell your stupid instincts short. Do you realize that people have a tiny compass in their nose?
Tim: I was never aware of that, no.
Wilson: Yes, it's true. People have a tiny iron deposit in their nose. It's right up here, [nasally] near the ethmoid bone. [normally] And that gives them directions to magnetic north, and since men have more iron in their bodies than women, it only follows that they would make a better compass.
Tim: [nasally] If I have such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding?
Wilson: Pardon me, Tim?
Tim: [normally] If I have such good instincts, how come I couldn't find the wedding?
Wilson: Well, Tim, a map is a little more accurate than your nose. Plus, it's a heck of a lot easier to fold.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't take any chances. I have to be there a couple of hours early.
Tim: I think you're forgetting who has the radar-like sense of direction around here.
Jill: Tim?
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: Car is out front.
Tim: Well, the radar doesn't really kick in till you get in the car.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You know, seeing that sign was a good thing, 'cause now we know that we are finally in the right direction.
Jill: Oh, good. Pull up to that minimart over there. You can find out how to get to North Adams.
Tim: I don't need the directions now.
Jill: Stop and ask for directions, or I will get up early every morning and burn your sports section.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, tell me, Mr. Wedding Genius Expert, how would you plan a wedding?
Tim: Oh, easy. I'd go with that football theme. The old gridiron wedding. Have the minister stand up there, and - you know where he stands - you put a big... one of those wide-screen TVs, right behind him. So you can catch the play-offs. Then right at the right moment, the minister would say: "You may raise the helmet and kiss the bride." Then you'd spike the ball and carry her off.

Quote from Tim

Al: When cutting the shelving for your entertainment center, you want to remember the old carpenters' adage, "Measure twice, cut once."
Tim: Yeah, but what about the other adage by the Carpenters? [sings] Why do birds suddenly appear When you're near?

Quote from Tim

Al: If you'd like plans for our entertainment center, write to us, Tool Time, and ask for Tool Time plan A340.
Tim: But A340 won't include the little adjustment I made.
Al: And what little adjustment would that be, Tim?
Tim: I installed a little swing-out drawer for the VCR.
Al: Well, plan A340 does not require a pull-out drawer and will not be in the blueprints.
Tim: Al, Al, Al. Let's not get hung up on blueprints, shall we, Al?
Let's think about the many things in life that have been built just on the old noggin, using the imagination. Like the Seven Wonders of the World.
Al: I believe the Sphinx required extensive blueprints, Tim.
Tim: Al, Al, Al. I'm talking about the seven wonders of the manly world. Wing nuts. Oh, ho, ho. The athletic cup. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Gatorade.
Al: You're comparing Gatorade to the Sphinx?
Tim: Has the Sphinx ever replaced your electrolytes? I don't think so, Al.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, can we stop this nonsense and please get back to our project at hand?
Tim: As you can see, I've added a new roller on the drawer, here, using Binford's new easy-glide system. It's Teflon-coated, so it's just like fluid movements.
Al: Well, I hope you put stops on the front of the track, Tim.
Tim: Gosh, I hope I did, otherwise things would just fall right out. [pulls drawer out]
Al: It worked. I apologize.
Tim: It is fluid-like movement 'cause you can move your VCR in and out just like that.
[As Al slides the VCR drawer back, it falls out the back of the cabinet]

Quote from Tim

Jill: What did you do with that list of instructions that Sheila gave us?
Tim: I tossed 'em out.
Jill: Oh, no! Why?
Tim: We have been to North Adams a hundred times.
Jill: I need those. They're very specific to get to that church. Here they are.
Tim: I know the church. She's almost been married there three times. You just follow the teardrops right up to the door.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I don't think we're on the right road.
Tim: We're fine. We followed all the signs for the detour.
Jill: Sheila said that after 45 minutes we should pass a 20-foot guy holding a huge doughnut.
Tim: We missed him. Maybe he's out looking for a 40-foot cup of coffee to dunk it in.
Jill: Tim, what road are we on?
Tim: 127. Heading south.
Jill: OK. 127. Sheila said that we would see a place called Rhonda's Discount Hair Outlet.
Tim: Does Sheila know the roads actually have numbers? 94, 127? There's no Interstate Big Guy With A Doughnut.

Quote from Tim

Jill: There's a sign. Adrian, six miles. [looks at map] OK, Adrian. Adrian is on 223. We're down and right. We're supposed to be up and left.
Tim: Thank you, Rand McNally. Do you mean north and west?
Jill: We have gone way out of the way. Way out.
Tim: No, we haven't. We're only an inch or so.
Jill: I see. So when we hit Ecuador, you'll just say we're off by about a foot and a half?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Why can't we just stop and ask for directions?
Tim: Because we're almost there.
Jill: Tim, I have to be there early enough to be able to put my dress on.
Tim: We're close. Next sign you see will be North Adams. Right there, what does that say?
Jill: "Welcome to Ohio."
Tim: Well, we won't be needing that Michigan map now, will we?
Jill: If we hit Kentucky, I'm filing for divorce.

Quote from Tim

Police Officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What am I talking about? Elmwood's closed.
Tim: Fallen tree?
Police Officer: No. A dead cow. Yeah, frozen to the highway.
Tim: What?
Marty: Happens a lot.
Police Officer: Go north - that's left.
Tim: All right.
Police Officer: OK? Now, at Beechwood you turn east, that's right. Now, Beechwood becomes Route 2. But you won't know that 'cause it's called Evelyn. But it doesn't matter 'cause the sign blew down.
Tim: Sign's down.
Police Officer: OK. Now, continue going east, on Evelyn, also known as Beechwood, a.k.a. Route 2, till the fork in the road. Now, north - left - is Carmelita, right - south - is Maple. You want right-south Maple. Got that?
Tim: Cows freeze to the highway a lot?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Oh, boy. Killer night. [grunts] Oh, no.
Police Officer: Hey. How's it going?
Tim: I'm in hell.
Marty: How was the wedding?
Tim: Terrific. Oh, what a great time! Now, if I gotta head back to that wedding, what would be the best way to get back there now?
Police Officer: Why would you wanna go back?
Tim: My wife left her purse there. Just like a woman, huh?
Police Officer: You're lost again, huh?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Area code 419? Are we still in Ohio?
Marty: Yes, ma'am. The Buckeye State.
Jill: Didn't you tell me that we were in North Adams?
Tim: I said I know exactly where North Adams is.
Police Officer: Sure does. We gave him directions over an hour ago.
Jill: You gave him directions... Oh, no. Is this the place that we stopped before?
Marty: Sure. We haven't moved.
Jill: How did you do this?
Tim: Well, I was a little confused with the blizzard. You were naked in the backseat.
Police Officer: Oh, hey, hey. Come on, now. This is Ohio. We have laws.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: Hi, Wilson. You're up late. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm just packing some snow to send to my cousin Ernie in Pango Pango. He really misses the winter.
Tim: He does?
Wilson: Of course, he pays me for it. And let me tell you, there's no business like snow business. [laughs] I'm on a roll.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You won't believe the night I've had.
Wilson: Well, from the looks of you, I would say that you pushed a car out of a ditch. And from the nature and texture of your clothes, I would say you were somewhere in Ohio.
Tim: From the sound of that, I'd say you were talking to Karen.
Wilson: I can't fool you, neighbor Tim.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Did you hear the whole story? Spent half the night driving around in circles.
Wilson: Mm-hm. Through a couple of states, I believe.
Tim: All Jill wanted me to do was stop and ask directions. I didn't do it because I hate asking for directions.
Wilson: Well, all men do. It makes them feel subservient.
Tim: I really was sure that I knew where I was going. I sensed it, you know?
Wilson: That's because men navigate by instincts and women navigate by landmarks.
Tim: Yeah, she kept talking about some huge man with a doughnut.
Wilson: Oh, sure. That's the sign for Bill's Big Bun Bonanza. It's the turnoff to North Adams.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I couldn't believe it. The guy called the caterer and cancelled the dinner. The caterer broke it to Sheila in kind of a mean way, too. Walked over to the wedding cake and just ripped the groom right off the top.
Tim: Just left a shin and a knee bone there, huh?
Jill: Sheila told everybody to go home. You should've seen Aunt Merle trying to stuff all the jumbo shrimp in her purse before she left.
Tim: This was too big to fit in the purse?
Jill: She got the bottom three layers. When I left, Sheila was crying into her double bourbon, having to listen to that nephew of hers - you know, Todd - play "You Light Up My Life" on the accordion.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Some night, huh? You know my direction's usually better than that. I just got all disoriented, even though my nose is filled with iron boogers.
Jill: What?
Tim: Don't worry. You got 'em too.
Jill: Oh. Don't explain, don't explain.

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