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‘The Dating Game’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Dating Game

710. The Dating Game

Aired December 9, 1997

After Al finds out that Ilene is engaged again, he is down in the dumps and spending all his time at the Taylors' house. Jill suggests Tim join Al at a singles bar so he might meet someone.

Quote from Al

Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Thank you, studio audience. Welcome to Tool Time. I am who I am, I am Tim "The Tool Man." And, of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [applause] Today we've got a great show. We're talking about sharpening tools, 'cause as we all know, a dull tool is a useless tool.
Al: And nobody wants a dull, useless tool. So what do they do? They just replace it with a more exciting, probably better looking tool.
Tim: Or they sharpen it. Which is what Al and I will do today, showing you how to sharpen with this professional knife-sharpening system... Al? Got a minute?
Al: Got the whole rest of my life. It'll just be me, all alone with my tools.
Tim: A guy could do worse.
Tim: Let's start with garden tools, can we? The simplest way to do that is use a two grit whetstone. Al?
Al: Huh?
Tim: What's the matter with you? Are you on that all-corn diet again?
Al: Uh, to sharpen your garden tool, you'll wanna take the whetstone, uh, across the surface of the blade, in strong, smooth strokes, following the, the curve of the blade.
Tim: In a former life, Al was a motivational speaker.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's talk about knives, these are chef's knives, stainless steel with carbon in them. They're very expensive, so it's a good rule of thumb not to use too much pressure. The pressure must be exact.
Al: Well, what do you know about pressure? You know. I'm almost 40 and I'm still single.
Tim: You keep this up, you'll be 40, single and unemployed.
Tim: As I said, these knives are pricey, and you want to pay attention, Al.
Al: I know what I'm doing.
Tim: I'm just saying, with proper care, these tools can always be a precision cutting instrument.
[Sparks fly as Al puts a knife in the sharpener. When he pulls it out, the blade is half the size it was.]

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, what's the matter with you?
Al: I just found out Ilene is engaged.
Tim: Ooh, that's the problem. Oh. I thought you were over her.
Al: I am. But, the point is, she's moved on. She's found somebody else. All I've done is switched to a shampoo with jojoba.

Quote from Randy

Mark: Chicken.
Brad: Oh, no. You know how much Al likes chicken.
Randy: Al likes anything. Just hide the drumsticks so we don't all starve.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Tim, this is ridiculous. He can't just spend all of his free time here. I've got a paper due Friday, I can't get any work done.
Mark: He's driving us nuts. He keeps following me around, asking me how I meet women.
Randy: Amazing. A grown man as desperate as Mark.

Quote from Tim

Al: Oh, I tried that once. I spent the whole night alone at the bar building a fort out of swizzle sticks.
Jill: Well, Al, you can't go to a singles bar by yourself. You know, you need to take a friend with you, that way you feel more relaxed and confident.
Al: Well, I don't have any single friends.
Tim: What about Wilson? [Al hems and haws]
Jill: How about Benny?
Tim: No, no, no, no. We wanna attract women, not repel them.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Hey, hold on a minute, excuse me a second. Back the open marriage mobile up, OK? You want me to go out and look for women?
Jill: Well... oh, either that or we could just have Al here for dinner every night for the rest of our lives.
Randy: Dad, if you love your family, you'll go to the singles bar, cruise for chicks.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Al's been really lonely, he's hanging around our house way too much. So, I volunteered Tim to go with him to a singles bar for moral support.
Tim: I think this is ridiculous.
Wilson: Well, Tim, there is no sacrifice too great to make for a friend. In the words of the very famous wise men, KC and the Sunshine Band, "Shake your booty."
Tim: Easy to say, it's not your booty.
Wilson: Actually, Tim, I've gone to far greater lengths to help out a friend. I remember when I was in Japan, my old flame, Miyoshi, was too ill to attend a cooking contest. So I donned her kimono, applied a light blush, and submitted her spinach wasabi rice cakes to the judge.
Tim: So, for a friend, you dressed up as a woman?
Wilson: Oh, absolutely. I walked away with first prize. And a marriage proposal from the vice president of Toyota.

Quote from Tim

Al: Anyhoo, where was I?
Kathy: Sheboygan.
Al: Sheboygan, yeah. The autograph hounds would not give me a moment's peace.
Kathy: Oh, wow. It must be wonderful to work with a star of Al's magnitude. What do you do on the show?
Al: He assists me.
Tim: Actually, I just stand around and he takes shots at my grossly overweight mother.

Quote from Tim

Donna: Well, Tim, you know, if you feel like hanging out a little longer, then I could always just drive you to work in the morning.
Tim: What kinda car do you got?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Whoa! Why are you wearing that?
Tim: For the date I'm going on.
Jill: You can't wear that.
Tim: If these pants were any tighter, my navel would be under my Adam's apple.
Jill: Well, I know. I want you to wear looser pants. I mean, you look way too sexy.
Tim: I thought you wanted me to look sexy.
Jill: To pick up a woman, not break up with one.
Tim: So I dress like a slob?
Jill: Yeah, yeah, just dress the way you normally do, the rest will take care of itself.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I have to go to the little mechanics room, Al, you wanna join me?
Al: Huh?
Tim: Go change our oil.
Al: Huh?
Tim: Flush our coolants.
Al: What?
Tim: Pee.

Quote from Tim

Donna: So, does your wife know you're at a singles bar?
Tim: [chuckles] It was her idea.
Donna: Oh, you showbiz people are sick.

Quote from Al

Heidi: Ooh, looking good, Al.
Al: Thank you. I've been experimenting with those new volumizing shampoos.
Heidi: Mm-hmm.
Al: Now I've got fluff!
Heidi: Oh, guess what? I ran into Ilene at the health club. I am so happy for her.
Al: Happy about what?
Heidi: You haven't heard the news?
Al: What news?
Heidi: Nothing, nothing.
Al: Heidi, come on, come on. Come on, what news?
Heidi: Al, she's engaged.
Al: What?
Heidi: You know, I could've heard it wrong...
Al: I Oh, boy, engaged? That happened so fast. She... Ilene's changed her whole life around. And, and I've done nothing.
Heidi: But, your hair looks so good.

Quote from Al

Tim: I mean get out, meet some women. You gotta get back in the saddle.
Al: You're right.
Tim: I know I'm right.
Al: What am I waiting for?
Tim: What are you waiting for?
Al: You gotta get back in that saddle!
Tim: Back in that saddle!
Al: Back on that horse!
Tim: Back on that horse!
Al: Lasso that future Mrs. Borland.
Tim: Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay!
Al: [to the stage manager] Howdy! You wanna go out Saturday night? [she laughs]

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