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‘Baby, It's Cold Outside’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Baby, It's Cold Outside

118. Baby, It's Cold Outside

Aired February 18, 1992

Tim's romantic plans for a Valentine's Day retreat are upended when he agrees to film a family camping trip for Tool Time.

Quote from Jill

Jill: "Insert the first two poles into the two sleeves. After getting two complete poles through the sleeves, you place the aluminum-tipped end into the grommet of the floor webbing loop." That's this.
Tim: Floor webbing... This. Okay.
Jill: Yeah. "By now it should be partially erect."
Both: The tent.

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, I thought I could do both, you know, and make everybody happy.
Wilson: Well, Tim, let me tell you a little story, about a doe. A deer. A female deer.
Tim: You're not gonna break into a song, are you?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. Anyway, once, when I was driving up here. I came across a young deer standing in the middle of the road. And my headlights were shining directly into its eyes. She started to move one way. Then she moved another way. And then she panicked, she froze. I had to swerve the car to avoid hitting her. Ended up running into a tree.
Tim: Whoa.
Wilson: Now, the deer was happy, but I wasn't. If she had chosen one direction and ran, we both would've been happy. [Tim mumbles agreeably] You see, Tim, when you try to go in too many directions at once, you end up going nowhere.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, thank God. I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.
Tim: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves. I had to use a pine cone.

Quote from Jill

Tim: But I've got a good idea. We don't have to camp for the whole weekend. We just have to look like we did.
Jill: Keep talking.
Tim: Now, Wilson says he goes to this place called Crystal Lake. It's on the way up North. It's near Aunt Helen's. So, I say we go to this Crystal Lake, we go look like we're camping. A couple of hours, have lunch or something, videotape it, get back in the car, drop the kids off and we are at the lodge in front of a cozy fire.
Jill: It might work.
Tim: Oh, it will work. Trust me, okay?
Jill: The last time I trusted you we had Mark.

Quote from Jill

Jill: So, you're gonna go all out this year, huh?
Tim: Honey, don't worry. I'll stop by the carwash after work, pick you up something special.
Jill: Oh, I could use a hot wax and a buff.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome back, everybody. I finished installing that trailer hitch on the bumper. Luckily, Al was able to find that fire extinguisher. Who would have thought that chrome cleaner was that flammable?
Al: I guess whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Dad, I'm trying to come up with a poem for Jennifer's valentine.
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. You're a little stuck there, huh?
Brad: Yeah. Take a look.
Tim: Okay. "I think you're swell. I think you're sweet." You know what could follow this?
Brad: What?
Tim: "How would you like to smell my feet?"

Quote from Tim

Tim: Oh, you punctured my sock battery.
Jill: No, you punctured your sock battery.
Tim: Can you do something else? I'll do the tent.
Jill: Well, okay, I'll set up the camp stove.
Tim: [sniffs] They burning tir... It smells like burning tires, doesn't it?
Jill: It's your feet.
Tim: And your breath smells fresh, too.
Jill: No, no, no. I mean it. It's your feet, your feet, your feet, feet. They're smoking.
Tim: Aaah!

Quote from Randy

Randy: Man, I'm starving.
Mark: Me, too. When are we gonna eat?
Brad: As soon as Daddy gets back from the car with the food.
Mark: He's been gone a long time. Maybe he's lost.
Randy: If he doesn't come back, you know what the rule of the forest is?
Mark: What?
Randy: We eat the youngest first.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Hey, Dad, where's the food?
Tim: It's in the trunk of the car.
Randy: Why didn't you bring it? We're hungry.
Tim: I got halfway to the car, I turned right around, because I think my boys need some wilderness training.
Randy: What?
Tim: Listen, you can get lost in these woods pretty easy. So I have a little test for you. Where do you think the car is?
Randy: You lost the car, didn't you, Dad?
Tim: It's right where I left it.

Quote from Tim

Randy: I'm gonna go tell Mom you lost the car.
Tim: There's no reason she should know this. Come here. Stop.
Randy: Well, don't you think she's gonna figure it out when we start walking home?
Tim: How long do you suppose you could survive out here on your own?
Randy: You're right. Mom doesn't need to know.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What do you mean, you can't find it? It's in the trunk of the car. [off Tim's look] Oh, my God. You lost the car?
Tim: Honey, don't panic. Don't panic. I came up here to get my compass.
Jill: Well, what good is that gonna do?
Tim: Honey, now I know where north is.
Jill: So? How does that help you find the car?
Tim: Uh... It's so technical. It's hard to explain, honey.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, why don't you just admit it? There is no way we're gonna make it to Stone Creek Lodge.
Tim: Oh, yes, we are. All we got to do is find the car, get the food, bring it down here, cook a lunch, make a video, pack it up, put the kids in the car, take them to Aunt Helen's, and we whisk away to the romantic weekend at the Stone Creek Lodge just like I promised. No matter what you think, we're going.
Jill: Well, I don't think it's gonna happen.
Tim: Well, I'm gonna make it happen.
Jill: Tim, you already burned up your socks, you lost your rod and reel, now you can't find the car. You're trying to do too much. It's not gonna happen.
Tim: You're insinuating this is my fault?
Jill: No, I'm not insinuating it's your fault. I'm saying it. It's your fault. You, fault. You. Your fault.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Wilson?
Wilson: Didn't mean to startle you, Tim.
Tim: What are you doing up here?
Wilson: Well, I always come up here for Valentine's Day. Spend time with my true love, Mother Nature.
Tim: Well, I'm glad you're here. I'm lost.
Wilson: That's why I come up here, Tim. To lose myself. Only when you lose yourself can you begin to find yourself.
Tim: I must be really found, because I'm completely lost.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I know what direction I wanna go in. Right to that Stone Creek Lodge.
Wilson: Good for you, Tim.
Tim: But first, I've got to go get my car.
Wilson: Well, I parked my truck right next to it. It's 300 yards south by southeast.
Tim: Thank you, Wilson. [heads off]
Wilson: I'll walk with you, Tim. [they go in the opposite direction]

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