Jill: "Insert the first two poles into the two sleeves. After getting two complete poles through the sleeves, you place the aluminum-tipped end into the grommet of the floor webbing loop." That's this.
Tim: Floor webbing... This. Okay.
Jill: Yeah. "By now it should be partially erect."
Both: The tent.

Tim: Wilson, I thought I could do both, you know, and make everybody happy.
Wilson: Well, Tim, let me tell you a little story, about a doe. A deer. A female deer.
Tim: You're not gonna break into a song, are you?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. Anyway, once, when I was driving up here. I came across a young deer standing in the middle of the road. And my headlights were shining directly into its eyes. She started to move one way. Then she moved another way. And then she panicked, she froze. I had to swerve the car to avoid hitting her. Ended up running into a tree.
Tim: Whoa.
Wilson: Now, the deer was happy, but I wasn't. If she had chosen one direction and ran, we both would've been happy. [Tim mumbles agreeably] You see, Tim, when you try to go in too many directions at once, you end up going nowhere.

Jill: Oh, thank God. I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.
Tim: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves. I had to use a pine cone.

Tim: But I've got a good idea. We don't have to camp for the whole weekend. We just have to look like we did.
Jill: Keep talking.
Tim: Now, Wilson says he goes to this place called Crystal Lake. It's on the way up North. It's near Aunt Helen's. So, I say we go to this Crystal Lake, we go look like we're camping. A couple of hours, have lunch or something, videotape it, get back in the car, drop the kids off and we are at the lodge in front of a cozy fire.
Jill: It might work.
Tim: Oh, it will work. Trust me, okay?
Jill: The last time I trusted you we had Mark.

Jill: So, you're gonna go all out this year, huh?
Tim: Honey, don't worry. I'll stop by the carwash after work, pick you up something special.
Jill: Oh, I could use a hot wax and a buff.

Tim: Welcome back, everybody. I finished installing that trailer hitch on the bumper. Luckily, Al was able to find that fire extinguisher. Who would have thought that chrome cleaner was that flammable?
Al: I guess whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Brad: Dad, I'm trying to come up with a poem for Jennifer's valentine.
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. You're a little stuck there, huh?
Brad: Yeah. Take a look.
Tim: Okay. "I think you're swell. I think you're sweet." You know what could follow this?
Brad: What?
Tim: "How would you like to smell my feet?"

Tim: Oh, you punctured my sock battery.
Jill: No, you punctured your sock battery.
Tim: Can you do something else? I'll do the tent.
Jill: Well, okay, I'll set up the camp stove.
Tim: [sniffs] They burning tir... It smells like burning tires, doesn't it?
Jill: It's your feet.
Tim: And your breath smells fresh, too.
Jill: No, no, no. I mean it. It's your feet, your feet, your feet, feet. They're smoking.
Tim: Aaah!

Randy: Man, I'm starving.
Mark: Me, too. When are we gonna eat?
Brad: As soon as Daddy gets back from the car with the food.
Mark: He's been gone a long time. Maybe he's lost.
Randy: If he doesn't come back, you know what the rule of the forest is?
Mark: What?
Randy: We eat the youngest first.

Randy: Hey, Dad, where's the food?
Tim: It's in the trunk of the car.
Randy: Why didn't you bring it? We're hungry.
Tim: I got halfway to the car, I turned right around, because I think my boys need some wilderness training.
Randy: What?
Tim: Listen, you can get lost in these woods pretty easy. So I have a little test for you. Where do you think the car is?
Randy: You lost the car, didn't you, Dad?
Tim: It's right where I left it.