Tim: Anyway, let's get back to our salute... to lubricants. For this demonstration, we've split this straight six-cylinder down the middle.
Al: Tim, my mother has very fine taste. Her shirts look nothing like this.
Tim: Right, Al. Anyway, try to imagine, if you will, that my fists are pistons. All right, Al. Close up the engine.
Al: Gladly, Tim.
Tim: OK. Let's try to start this engine. Well, it won't start. That's because the pistons are stuck. Just like they were last year during the NBA play-offs. But they will move if they're lubricated. That's if the oil pump is pumping oil through the system, the pistons will move. So, let's open the engine up and show 'em how the oil gets in there. Grab the oil and open me up, Al.
Al: Ah, here it is, of course, motor oil. Well, gee. I wouldn't want to get any of this on my nice shirt my mother gave me. I better go change before I let you out.
Tim: Come on, open this up, Al. Al! Tool Time tip of the day: when you're insulting your coworker's mother, make sure you're not locked into an engine compartment. Al, I know you're back there. Al, I know right where you're standing. Al, let me out.

Tim: Come on, let me in.
Al: [o.s.] Go away, Tim.
Tim: Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.
Al: [o.s.] It's over between us.
Tim: [sees Cynthia] Al, open the door.
Al: [o.s.] No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed. [Cynthia drops her groceries]

Jill: I'm so glad Mark is finally better. I'm just exhausted.
Tim: In the hotel room, the bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks.
Jill: And the room was so small, wasn't it?
Tim: Small? So small the mice were hunchbacked. It was so small, I put my key in the door, it went through the window. So small, all you could order was condensed milk. I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small, there was no room for complaints.

Al: I would like you to meet Tim Taylor. This is the man that I work with.
Tim: Hi, Cynthia. How are you?
Cynthia: Oh, you're the one who assists Al on his show.
Tim: That's me.

Tim: Why are my bags over here?
Jill: You gotta leave.
Tim: This is 'cause I said your mother was the world's second largest mammal, isn't it?
Jill: I never heard that.
Tim: I never said it.

Al: And this is your closet space.
Tim: I didn't realize that flannel could reproduce so quickly.
Al: [snorts] You know, normally, I don't find you that funny, but... but now that we're roomies, I realize you actually do have a sense of humor.
Tim: It's from working with you, Al.

Tim: Before we get started, I want to remind our audience that next time on Tool Time we have some very special guests. That superstar racing team of Mario and Michael Andretti will be here. All right. [applause]
Al: I'm very excited to have my racing heroes on the show.
Tim: It's hard to imagine you getting so jazzed-up about racing, the way you drive. He drives like an old woman in a church parking lot. Watch out for the speed bump! Ba-bump.
Al: I drive defensively, Tim.
Tim: You dress defensively, Al.
Al: My mother gave me this shirt.
Tim: Why? Did she outgrow it?
Al: No...

Randy: Mom, please, please don't run away.
Jill: These are for your father. He's never had chickenpox and I don't want Mark to give 'em to him, so he's gonna have to move out for a few days.
Randy: Huh. Well, I've never had chickenpox either. I think I'll just go pack my bags and check into a nice hotel.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay right where you are. I want you to get 'em. Did you kiss your brother like I told you to?
Randy: Oh, yeah. We're getting married next Tuesday.
Jill: I wish you would be nicer to your brother. You know, he's probably the only little brother you're ever gonna have. In fact, I guarantee you he's the only little brother you're ever gonna have. So here, just take this juice to him. And you better be sick when you get up in the morning.

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-de-ho, Tim.
Tim: Smells like you're barbecuing. Smells good. Burgers, hotdogs, chicken?
Wilson: No, no, no. Today we're having some grilled grasshopper-and-cricket kabobs. I got the recipe out of my survival newsletter, Aftermath.
Tim: I'll be gone a couple days. Mark got chickenpox and I've never had them so...
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: Can I ask you a question?
Wilson: Throw another bug on my barbecue.

Tim: Who's this guy here?
Al: It's Gordy Hawkins.
Tim: A race driver or something?
Al: Oh, no, no. World-class square-dance caller. You know, I'm taking his correspondence course, "Getting in Touch with the Square Dancer in You." [country music plays] [sings with tape] Well, join hands, circle to the left Just circle to the left Round and round Kick those feet up off the ground Make it quick Jim take Sue and Pam take Dick Promenade, go around the ring Just promenade, go two by two Till you get back home