Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Roomie for Improvement’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Roomie for Improvement

207. Roomie for Improvement

Aired November 4, 1992

When Mark comes down with the chicken pox, Tim reluctantly stays with Al in his apartment.

Quote from Al

Tim: Anyway, let's get back to our salute... to lubricants. For this demonstration, we've split this straight six-cylinder down the middle.
Al: Tim, my mother has very fine taste. Her shirts look nothing like this.
Tim: Right, Al. Anyway, try to imagine, if you will, that my fists are pistons. All right, Al. Close up the engine.
Al: Gladly, Tim.
Tim: OK. Let's try to start this engine. Well, it won't start. That's because the pistons are stuck. Just like they were last year during the NBA play-offs. But they will move if they're lubricated. That's if the oil pump is pumping oil through the system, the pistons will move. So, let's open the engine up and show 'em how the oil gets in there. Grab the oil and open me up, Al.
Al: Ah, here it is, of course, motor oil. Well, gee. I wouldn't want to get any of this on my nice shirt my mother gave me. I better go change before I let you out.
Tim: Come on, open this up, Al. Al! Tool Time tip of the day: when you're insulting your coworker's mother, make sure you're not locked into an engine compartment. Al, I know you're back there. Al, I know right where you're standing. Al, let me out.

Rate

Quote from Al

Tim: Come on, let me in.
Al: [o.s.] Go away, Tim.
Tim: Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.
Al: [o.s.] It's over between us.
Tim: [sees Cynthia] Al, open the door.
Al: [o.s.] No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed. [Cynthia drops her groceries]

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm so glad Mark is finally better. I'm just exhausted.
Tim: In the hotel room, the bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks.
Jill: And the room was so small, wasn't it?
Tim: Small? So small the mice were hunchbacked. It was so small, I put my key in the door, it went through the window. So small, all you could order was condensed milk. I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small, there was no room for complaints.

Quote from Al

Al: I would like you to meet Tim Taylor. This is the man that I work with.
Tim: Hi, Cynthia. How are you?
Cynthia: Oh, you're the one who assists Al on his show.
Tim: That's me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Why are my bags over here?
Jill: You gotta leave.
Tim: This is 'cause I said your mother was the world's second largest mammal, isn't it?
Jill: I never heard that.
Tim: I never said it.

Quote from Al

Al: And this is your closet space.
Tim: I didn't realize that flannel could reproduce so quickly.
Al: [snorts] You know, normally, I don't find you that funny, but... but now that we're roomies, I realize you actually do have a sense of humor.
Tim: It's from working with you, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Before we get started, I want to remind our audience that next time on Tool Time we have some very special guests. That superstar racing team of Mario and Michael Andretti will be here. All right. [applause]
Al: I'm very excited to have my racing heroes on the show.
Tim: It's hard to imagine you getting so jazzed-up about racing, the way you drive. He drives like an old woman in a church parking lot. Watch out for the speed bump! Ba-bump.
Al: I drive defensively, Tim.
Tim: You dress defensively, Al.
Al: My mother gave me this shirt.
Tim: Why? Did she outgrow it?
Al: No...

Quote from Jill

Randy: Mom, please, please don't run away.
Jill: These are for your father. He's never had chickenpox and I don't want Mark to give 'em to him, so he's gonna have to move out for a few days.
Randy: Huh. Well, I've never had chickenpox either. I think I'll just go pack my bags and check into a nice hotel.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay right where you are. I want you to get 'em. Did you kiss your brother like I told you to?
Randy: Oh, yeah. We're getting married next Tuesday.
Jill: I wish you would be nicer to your brother. You know, he's probably the only little brother you're ever gonna have. In fact, I guarantee you he's the only little brother you're ever gonna have. So here, just take this juice to him. And you better be sick when you get up in the morning.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-de-ho, Tim.
Tim: Smells like you're barbecuing. Smells good. Burgers, hotdogs, chicken?
Wilson: No, no, no. Today we're having some grilled grasshopper-and-cricket kabobs. I got the recipe out of my survival newsletter, Aftermath.
Tim: I'll be gone a couple days. Mark got chickenpox and I've never had them so...
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: Can I ask you a question?
Wilson: Throw another bug on my barbecue.

Quote from Al

Tim: Who's this guy here?
Al: It's Gordy Hawkins.
Tim: A race driver or something?
Al: Oh, no, no. World-class square-dance caller. You know, I'm taking his correspondence course, "Getting in Touch with the Square Dancer in You." [country music plays] [sings with tape] Well, join hands, circle to the left Just circle to the left Round and round Kick those feet up off the ground Make it quick Jim take Sue and Pam take Dick Promenade, go around the ring Just promenade, go two by two Till you get back home

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hi, honey. Is this the jacket you wanted? [Tim hugs Jill and groans] I guess I should kick you out of the house more often, huh?
Tim: If I ever say it's hard living with you, just say one word. Al!
Jill: It's that bad, huh?
Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night it was three hours of "Muskie fishing with Uncle Phil."
Jill: Urgh.
Tim: Do you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument with Popsicle sticks?
Jill: Well, lots of kids do stuff like that.
Tim: It was life-sized! Last night it was "Al - The Early Years." Tonight... "Puberty. Starring Al."

Quote from Tim

Tim: We're pretty darn excited here at Tool Time. To wrap up Auto Week, I've invited some very special guests here. We caught 'em at Michigan International Speedway trying out a new motor for their racecar. Please welcome the superstar father-son racing team of Mario and Michael Andretti. Come on, fellas. Thank you. Why don't you guys take a seat? Let's talk about racing. Man and machine. Man and machine - the ultimate relationship.
Al: 'Course, not as important as the father-and-son relationship.
Tim: Or the sucking-up-to-the-guests relationship. Let's talk about racecars for a minute. This is what every man dreams about at night.
Al: It's what I dream about, Tim.
Tim: That blows that theory.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Tell me, Mario, what's the toughest thing about taking a racecar around a track at 180mph?
Mario Andretti: Adjusting the radio.
Al: [laughs] That's a good one, Mario. You know, I've read that the smell of the tires can tell you if you're pushing your car too hard. Al, I think maybe you should let the guests talk.
Michael Andretti: But, Tim, Al is right.
Al: Thank you, Michael. Hm, hm, hm, hm.
Tim: Well, we all know about the smell thing. What about the hearing thing, Al? You know about that? Go ahead, Michael. Tell him about the hearing thing.
Michael Andretti: What hearing thing?
Tim: You know, when you listen to the hum of the motor so you know precisely when to shift.
Mario Andretti: Excellent point, Tim.
Tim: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, I've got a little test I got here today that could be kinda fun. I had our sound man, Klaus, put together some engine sounds. We're gonna play the engine sounds back and see if these professionals can tell us which engine's which. You guys wanna play?
Mario Andretti: Sure.
Michael Andretti: Let's do it.
Al: We're ready.
Tim: You're not playing, Al. Take your hands off the guests. OK, Klaus, if you will, that first engine. [engine sound] Anybody?
Michael Andretti: That'd be a Ford five-liter V-eight.
Tim: Right on the money, yeah. Well, let's see if daddy-o here is as smart as his boy. All right, Mario, it's your chance. Klaus, second motor. [engine sound]
Mario Andretti: Two-liter Alpha Romeo Spider engine.
Tim: Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye! Unbelievable. Bravo!
Al: You know, for a moment there I thought it was the three-liter.
Mario Andretti: Actually, so did I. Hey, you're pretty good. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't mind having you on my pit crew.
Tim: Hey, what about me?
Mario Andretti: I wouldn't mind having you on Danny Sullivan's pit crew.
Al: Another good one, Mario.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, since Al sounds like he knows so much, why don't we invite Al to play this last and final round, all right?
Audience: [cheer] Yeah.
Al: My pleasure.
Tim: OK. Klaus, that third engine, please. [snoring]
Mario Andretti: I don't know what that is. Sounds pretty rough.
Al: Yes. Sounds like there's an obstruction in the carburetor.
Tim: Well, you're both close. That's Al snoring. I taped that last night.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode