Tim: Randy, come on over here and help me load up some firewood. Your mom's really cold.
Mark: How come Mom is always cold?
Tim: Guys, I'm gonna tell you something about women. They're always cold. It's our job as hot-blooded men... [grunts]... to heat the women up.
Mark: If men are hot-blooded, are women cold-blooded?
Tim: Out of the mouths of babes.

Randy: Well, are we gonna do something special for her birthday on Saturday?
Tim: Yeah, Saturday, yeah! Oh... We'll have a big party. We'll cater some food, her favorite restaurant, balloons, everything.
Randy: Won't she be disappointed?
Tim: Why?
Randy: Her birthday is Friday.

Wilson: Anyway, there once was this little boy in Africa who wanted to give his teacher a gift, but he had no money. So he walked two days to the ocean, and he picked up a handful of sand. And walked two days back, and he gave it to her. She was greatly moved by the gift, but she said, "It was so far for you to walk". And he said, "Teacher, the journey is part of the gift."
Tim: Yeah, but Wilson, I've been on the journey. It's the destination. It's the sand. I don't know what to get her.
Wilson: Well, Tim, maybe you're just trying too hard.
Tim: And she's not being any help. She's being so sensitive about this.
Wilson: Well, sometimes birthdays only remind us of how old we are. Maybe Jill needs to be reminded of all the simple joys she had in getting there.
Tim: What kind of gift would do that?
Wilson: Well, I don't know, Tim. You'll have to listen to that little voice inside you. It'll tell you what to do.

Tim: Oh, Wilson, great. You gotta help me. I'm in big, big trouble.
Wilson: Oh, it's Jill's birthday, right?
Tim: Yeah, and she wants me to get something that's in tune with her and from the heart. And I don't know what to do, Wilson.
Wilson: Tim, I am reminded of a story.
Tim: Wilson, I don't have time for this.
Wilson: Well, neighbor, what is time but "Tim" with an e?
Tim: Huh?

Tim: Watch, watch.
Jill: Oh, my gosh. Where did you get that? Oh, that's the first time I ever saw the ocean. And there I am in my princess dress. And that's my cat, Samantha. I called her Sammy. And... Oh. Who is that?
Tim: That's a man you'll meet years later and marry, and he loves you very much.
Jill: That is so... What is that? I had to record over this gladiator movie. There's that pause button I slipped off. Stick him, Demetrius! Get him!
Jill: Oh, honey, this is the best gift I ever got. I can't believe you did this. I love you so much.
Tim: I love you, too.

Mark: Hey, this is great!
Tim: What are you guys doing?
Brad: Checking to see if these ice skates fit Mark.
Tim: So, if he falls out, they don't fit?
Brad & Randy: Right.
Tim: Put him down.

Jill: You've been so busy at work, I figured you'd for sure forget.
Tim: As a matter of fact, I had to remind the boys it wasn't Saturday, it was Friday.
Jill: It is Saturday. [Tim grumbles as he heads to the door to talk to the kids] Gotcha.
Tim: What?
Jill: It's Friday. [laughs]

Tim: Well... now that we have the day established, let's move on into the gift category.
Jill: Oh, honey, you don't have to get me anything.
Tim: Let's say I was gonna get you something. What would you want me to get you?
Jill: Well, if I have to tell you what to get, I might as well go out and buy it myself.
Tim: Now you're talking. [pulls out wallet]
Jill: You put that money back in your pocket, or I'll break both your legs.

Jill: Oh, Tim, come on. We've been married 12 years and every year I put a lot of thought into your gift. I tune in to who you are, and I get you something you really want.
Tim: I do that, too.
Jill: Oh, yeah? This is how you tuned in to me last year. A pressurized window washer? It shattered a window.
Tim: Every piece was clean, though - all of them.
Jill: What about this thing?
Tim: You never even used it.
Jill: Well, I didn't know what it was. I was afraid it might eat me.
Tim: Honey, honey. It's a de-nubber. It de... It de-nubs things, forget about this thing.

Jill: Tim, a gift doesn't have to be any kind of a big deal. You know, you should just close your eyes and think of who I am.
Tim: A tape deck.
Jill: Tim.
Tim: Uh, a waffle iron. Ukulele.
Jill: Stop it. I want you to get me something thoughtful, just something from your heart.
Tim: Arteries!