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‘Jill's Birthday’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Jill's Birthday

116. Jill's Birthday

Aired February 4, 1992

Tim struggles to find a present for Jill's birthday that she wouldn't have to plug in.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Randy, come on over here and help me load up some firewood. Your mom's really cold.
Mark: How come Mom is always cold?
Tim: Guys, I'm gonna tell you something about women. They're always cold. It's our job as hot-blooded men... [grunts]... to heat the women up.
Mark: If men are hot-blooded, are women cold-blooded?
Tim: Out of the mouths of babes.

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Quote from Randy

Randy: Well, are we gonna do something special for her birthday on Saturday?
Tim: Yeah, Saturday, yeah! Oh... We'll have a big party. We'll cater some food, her favorite restaurant, balloons, everything.
Randy: Won't she be disappointed?
Tim: Why?
Randy: Her birthday is Friday.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Anyway, there once was this little boy in Africa who wanted to give his teacher a gift, but he had no money. So he walked two days to the ocean, and he picked up a handful of sand. And walked two days back, and he gave it to her. She was greatly moved by the gift, but she said, "It was so far for you to walk". And he said, "Teacher, the journey is part of the gift."
Tim: Yeah, but Wilson, I've been on the journey. It's the destination. It's the sand. I don't know what to get her.
Wilson: Well, Tim, maybe you're just trying too hard.
Tim: And she's not being any help. She's being so sensitive about this.
Wilson: Well, sometimes birthdays only remind us of how old we are. Maybe Jill needs to be reminded of all the simple joys she had in getting there.
Tim: What kind of gift would do that?
Wilson: Well, I don't know, Tim. You'll have to listen to that little voice inside you. It'll tell you what to do.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Oh, Wilson, great. You gotta help me. I'm in big, big trouble.
Wilson: Oh, it's Jill's birthday, right?
Tim: Yeah, and she wants me to get something that's in tune with her and from the heart. And I don't know what to do, Wilson.
Wilson: Tim, I am reminded of a story.
Tim: Wilson, I don't have time for this.
Wilson: Well, neighbor, what is time but "Tim" with an e?
Tim: Huh?

Quote from Mark

Mark: Hey, this is great!
Tim: What are you guys doing?
Brad: Checking to see if these ice skates fit Mark.
Tim: So, if he falls out, they don't fit?
Brad & Randy: Right.
Tim: Put him down.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You've been so busy at work, I figured you'd for sure forget.
Tim: As a matter of fact, I had to remind the boys it wasn't Saturday, it was Friday.
Jill: It is Saturday. [Tim grumbles as he heads to the door to talk to the kids] Gotcha.
Tim: What?
Jill: It's Friday. [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well... now that we have the day established, let's move on into the gift category.
Jill: Oh, honey, you don't have to get me anything.
Tim: Let's say I was gonna get you something. What would you want me to get you?
Jill: Well, if I have to tell you what to get, I might as well go out and buy it myself.
Tim: Now you're talking. [pulls out wallet]
Jill: You put that money back in your pocket, or I'll break both your legs.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, Tim, come on. We've been married 12 years and every year I put a lot of thought into your gift. I tune in to who you are, and I get you something you really want.
Tim: I do that, too.
Jill: Oh, yeah? This is how you tuned in to me last year. A pressurized window washer? It shattered a window.
Tim: Every piece was clean, though - all of them.
Jill: What about this thing?
Tim: You never even used it.
Jill: Well, I didn't know what it was. I was afraid it might eat me.
Tim: Honey, honey. It's a de-nubber. It de... It de-nubs things, forget about this thing.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, a gift doesn't have to be any kind of a big deal. You know, you should just close your eyes and think of who I am.
Tim: A tape deck.
Jill: Tim.
Tim: Uh, a waffle iron. Ukulele.
Jill: Stop it. I want you to get me something thoughtful, just something from your heart.
Tim: Arteries!

Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, Mark. You know, you're a real smart kid. You saved your money.
Mark: Thanks.
Randy: Now you have enough to pay your little-brother tax.
Mark: My what?
Randy: The younger brother pays the older brother a tax when he's seven.
Mark: I'm not paying you anything.
Randy: Fine. Have it your way. But we just might hide some strange animals in your bed.
Brad: Unless you pay the tax.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Got a little list of things for your birthday.
Jill: You haven't gotten me a gift yet?
Tim: Yeah, sure I have. I just wonder if you can guess which one it is.
Jill: Why don't you surprise me?
Tim: At your age, the surprise could kill you.
Jill: Well, let me give you a hint. Never give a woman anything she has to plug in.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I want you to be completely honest with me. Do I look, like, a whole lot older than when you met me?
Tim: A whole lot older?
Jill: Just answer the question.
Tim: Of course you don't look a whole lot older.
Jill: Well, you have to admit I'm not that same skinny little peanut you married.
Tim: Yeah, I know. [off Jill's look] You look better. That's what I meant. No, you look a lot better. You do.
Jill: You don't think I'm too fat?
Tim: No, you look perfect. [Tim stares at the aerobics instructor on TV]
Jill: Don't lie to me. You wish that I looked like that for my birthday.
Tim: That would be for my birthday.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al, what am I gonna do? I have to get Jill a birthday present. It's got to come from the heart. I can't plug it in and I can't rewire it. What the heck does that leave?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, everybody. I'm Tim Taylor and welcome to this special edition of Tool Time, here at our project house in beautiful Keego Harbor Heights. Howdy, Al.
Al: Howdy, Tim.
Tim: Al, what are we doing today?
Al: Well, Tim, we'll be expanding the Ingrams' living room out here onto the porch.
Tim: But first we get to dismantle the existing porch. We'll be carting the debris away in this - the beautiful Tool Time truck, "Blood, Sweat, and Gears". [grunts] This is not your standard Detroit issue. We've made a few engine modifications.
Al: Of course, when you say "we" you mean "you".
Tim: That's right, Al, because if I left it up to you, we'd be on a skateboard and a moped. Hear that? That's a Big-Block Chevy, 454, two four-barrel carburetors nestled on aluminum high-rise manifold headers, and dual exhaust. [grunts] Let's back her into position, Al.
Al: All right.
[Tim reverses the truck into the Ingrams' porch]
Al: Uh, we'll be back live right after these messages.

Quote from Al

Al: Uh, Tim, I'm going back to the truck.
Tim: Oh, come on, Al. I need a second opinion. Come on.
Al: Well, it's... It's just I feel a little awkward. I've never been in the women's department before.
Saleswoman #1: Hi, Al.
Tim: Why did that woman say hi to you?
Al: Maybe I remind her of someone.
Tim: Remind her of someone named Al, who looks like you, with a hammer in his belt?
Saleswoman #2: Hi, Al.
Al: OK, I'm not gonna to lie to you. Sometimes I come here to try and meet women.
Tim: What?!

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