Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I want you to listen to me. Al is my assistant. He assists me.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Tim: Yes.
Jill: And I can have anything I want?
Tim: Anything you want.
Jill: What if I decide that I just want you right now?
Tim: Well, it would be difficult without Al here to assist me.

Jill: Al, maybe you can help me.
Tim: Oh, like he's gonna know anything.
Jill: Come here. Come here, come here. Which one of these colors do you like?
Al: I like the loquat or the kumquat.
Tim: Oh, come off of it, Al. Like you can tell the difference with these colors.
Al: Well, yes, I can, Tim. The loquat is sunnier, yet understated in a nonthreatening way.

Tim: Wilson, I need more hose.
Wilson: Don't we all, Tim.

Wilson: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: It's because we can't bear children.
Tim: Oh, I don't mind the boys that much.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. What I mean is, women can give birth and we can't.
Tim: We sure lucked out on that part.
Wilson: Well, I don't know, Tim. You were there when your boys were born. Birth is a miracle. Maybe one of the reasons you get so involved in your projects is because you want to create something as wondrous as human life.
Tim: That's a neat thought, Wilson. But the way this project's going, I think giving birth would've been easier.

Randy: Why does Mom have all this stuff?
Brad: Yeah. She always looks the same.
Tim: All right, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Women, as we know them are born without a face.
Randy: Bull!
Tim: Listen to me. Women are like a Mr. Potato Head. Yes. You've heard your mom say every now and then, "Excuse me, fellas. I gotta go upstairs and put my face on." Huh? She scurries up here and draws one on with this stuff.
Randy: How does she do it?
Tim: Well, she outlines it like this... Perfect. Then she fills it in with this goop right here. Just like this.
Brad: Dad, you look like Nana.
Tim: No, if I were Nana. I'd have the lipstick all over my teeth.

Jill: What is this?
Tim: Do you remember when we got married, I promised to make you a happy woman?
Jill: Yeah, I'm still waiting.

Mark: What does Mom do with all this junk?
Tim: Number one, it's not junk. It's women's stuff. It's what makes women different than us.
Brad: What's this one for?
Tim: I think she pinches something with that thing. Oh, this is for taking her eye out and cleaning behind it.

Jill: That's it. I'm going to a motel...
Tim: Jill, come on!
Jill: ...until you finish the bathroom or destroy the house.
Tim: It won't take long to fix the water main.
Jill: All I wanted was your shaving gunk out of the sink. A sponge could've done that. It was gonna be one day, then five days. Now it's what? 17 days, Tim. And what have I got? I got a hole in the side of the house, a geyser in the front yard, no water, subzero temperatures. And a chance to blow up.

Jill: What I wouldn't give for two sinks in here.
Tim: We've talked about this long enough. I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
Jill: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you're not.
Tim: It's not that big a job. It's a small job.
Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, then you'd be ripping out walls and installing a subway.
Tim: I'd give you free tickets.
Jill: Oh, honey, honey, honey. If we had two sinks, we wouldn't be able to snuggle up at our one little mutual sink.
Tim: Think about this. With two sinks, I could sit at my sink, I could go over to your sink, do the snuggle thing, and then take a subway back to my sink.

Tim: I got some brochures from Sinks R Us.
Jill: You just don't quit, do you?
Tim: And to go along with those sinks, all the materials needed to make the bathroom of your dreams.
Jill: Tim, we are not gonna remodel the bathroom. It is fine just the way it is.
Tim: Jill, in five short days, no muss, no fuss. I can put in two sinks, a couple of mirrors. Even a little makeup area where you can apply whatever gook you want.
Jill: I am not interested.
Tim: Including a brand-new whirlpool.
Jill: A whirlpool.
Tim: That is right, Mrs. Taylor. Let the six jets of the Turbomatic 5000 simultaneously massage your cares away and clean those dirty pores. The perfect place to rest and relax after managing that horrible family you call the Taylors.