Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

109. Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

Aired November 19, 1991

Tim promises Jill that a Tool Time project to upgrade their bathroom will only take a few days.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I want you to listen to me. Al is my assistant. He assists me.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Tim: Yes.
Jill: And I can have anything I want?
Tim: Anything you want.
Jill: What if I decide that I just want you right now?
Tim: Well, it would be difficult without Al here to assist me.

Rate

Quote from Al

Jill: Al, maybe you can help me.
Tim: Oh, like he's gonna know anything.
Jill: Come here. Come here, come here. Which one of these colors do you like?
Al: I like the loquat or the kumquat.
Tim: Oh, come off of it, Al. Like you can tell the difference with these colors.
Al: Well, yes, I can, Tim. The loquat is sunnier, yet understated in a nonthreatening way.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, I need more hose.
Wilson: Don't we all, Tim.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, this obsessive desire to create partly happens because men feel inferior to women.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: It's because we can't bear children.
Tim: Oh, I don't mind the boys that much.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. What I mean is, women can give birth and we can't.
Tim: We sure lucked out on that part.
Wilson: Well, I don't know, Tim. You were there when your boys were born. Birth is a miracle. Maybe one of the reasons you get so involved in your projects is because you want to create something as wondrous as human life.
Tim: That's a neat thought, Wilson. But the way this project's going, I think giving birth would've been easier.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Why does Mom have all this stuff?
Brad: Yeah. She always looks the same.
Tim: All right, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Women, as we know them are born without a face.
Randy: Bull!
Tim: Listen to me. Women are like a Mr. Potato Head. Yes. You've heard your mom say every now and then, "Excuse me, fellas. I gotta go upstairs and put my face on." Huh? She scurries up here and draws one on with this stuff.
Randy: How does she do it?
Tim: Well, she outlines it like this... Perfect. Then she fills it in with this goop right here. Just like this.
Brad: Dad, you look like Nana.
Tim: No, if I were Nana. I'd have the lipstick all over my teeth.

Quote from Jill

Jill: What is this?
Tim: Do you remember when we got married, I promised to make you a happy woman?
Jill: Yeah, I'm still waiting.

Quote from Tim

Mark: What does Mom do with all this junk?
Tim: Number one, it's not junk. It's women's stuff. It's what makes women different than us.
Brad: What's this one for?
Tim: I think she pinches something with that thing. Oh, this is for taking her eye out and cleaning behind it.

Quote from Jill

Jill: That's it. I'm going to a motel...
Tim: Jill, come on!
Jill: ...until you finish the bathroom or destroy the house.
Tim: It won't take long to fix the water main.
Jill: All I wanted was your shaving gunk out of the sink. A sponge could've done that. It was gonna be one day, then five days. Now it's what? 17 days, Tim. And what have I got? I got a hole in the side of the house, a geyser in the front yard, no water, subzero temperatures. And a chance to blow up.

Quote from Jill

Jill: What I wouldn't give for two sinks in here.
Tim: We've talked about this long enough. I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
Jill: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you're not.
Tim: It's not that big a job. It's a small job.
Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, then you'd be ripping out walls and installing a subway.
Tim: I'd give you free tickets.
Jill: Oh, honey, honey, honey. If we had two sinks, we wouldn't be able to snuggle up at our one little mutual sink.
Tim: Think about this. With two sinks, I could sit at my sink, I could go over to your sink, do the snuggle thing, and then take a subway back to my sink.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I got some brochures from Sinks R Us.
Jill: You just don't quit, do you?
Tim: And to go along with those sinks, all the materials needed to make the bathroom of your dreams.
Jill: Tim, we are not gonna remodel the bathroom. It is fine just the way it is.
Tim: Jill, in five short days, no muss, no fuss. I can put in two sinks, a couple of mirrors. Even a little makeup area where you can apply whatever gook you want.
Jill: I am not interested.
Tim: Including a brand-new whirlpool.
Jill: A whirlpool.
Tim: That is right, Mrs. Taylor. Let the six jets of the Turbomatic 5000 simultaneously massage your cares away and clean those dirty pores. The perfect place to rest and relax after managing that horrible family you call the Taylors.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Which one of these colors do you like?
Tim: Oh, jeez. [sighs] These are different colors?
Jill: Apricot, peach, cantaloupe, loquat and kumquat.
Tim: Well, put them all together, we'll have a fruit salad in the bathroom.
Jill: No, Tim! We gotta live with these colors for the rest of our lives.
Tim: How long could that be?

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, as you can see, we've taken out our old vanity and sink. And we'll be replacing it with a new double sink model.
Tim: That's right, Al. And we'll be covering that sink and backsplash with this lovely pinkish tile.
Al: I believe that shade is called kumquat. It's ephemeral, yet graceful.
Tim: Just like you, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We removed the vanity, and I found out I had existing galvanized pipes. I want to redo those with new copper. In order to do that, I have to remove this section of the wall. And for that, I decided to use a 20lb sledge.
Al: Tim, I think you might want to use our sabre saw here to cut out that piece of wall.
Tim: That might make a cleaner, more efficient cutout, but what would be the fun in that? Part of the fun of home remodeling is taking out some aggressions. And there's no better way do that than using a 20lb sledge.

Quote from Tim

Jill: They broke the mirror, they put the wrong tile in, we got a cement... Oh, whoa, whoa. What is this?
Tim: This is what will make it all worthwhile, your new whirlpool.
Jill: Oh, Tim! It is so beautiful. Look at the color. It's perfect.
Tim: Not to mention seven adjustable jets. Three speeds: low, medium, and "Who needs a man?"

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's get the guys and take it up to the bathroom.
Tim: Well, darn it, Jill. The guys and I decided not to take it right up to the bathroom.
Jill: Well, how are you gonna get it up there?
Tim: See that little spot up there? Further... OK, now. Picture, if you will, looking out of your whirlpool tub through a brand-new greenhouse window. All I gotta do is cut a little hole in the wall there.
Jill: A little hole about the size of this tub?
Tim: Just a little bigger than the tub, actually.
Jill: Tim, how could you order a tub and have no way to get it in the house?
Tim: Because in the catalog they're only like this big.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode