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‘Bye Bye Birdie’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Bye Bye Birdie

218. Bye Bye Birdie

Aired February 17, 1993

Tim tries to get rid of a woodpecker that is attacking the house. Meanwhile, Brad dumps Jennifer when she won't let him copy her math homework.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I want Brad to be a good student.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: So I told him that multiplying compound fractions is a real important part of that. But, you know, between you and me, it's kinda useless information.
Wilson: Well, I don't know about that, Tim. There was a time when I thought my extensive research into ancient tribal cultures, obscure scientific data, the thoughts of great philosophers, would never come in handy. Then you moved in.

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Quote from Randy

Randy: Guess I'd better get my books.
Jill: Not so fast. Why doesn't Brad wanna go to school?
Randy: Uh... 'Cause he and Jennifer broke up.
Jill: They did? Why? What happened?
Randy: I don't know.
Jill: Well, she must have dumped him, or he wouldn't be so depressed.
Randy: Yeah, that's it. You know how sensitive Brad is.
Jill: His little heart is broken.
Randy: And his little tongue is burned.

Quote from Jill

Brad: Well, why do I have to learn how to multiply compound fractions? I'm never gonna use them.
Tim: You use 'em every day.
Brad: When?
Jill: Well, like, when I go to the grocery store and I buy a pound and a half of cheese.
Brad: Yeah, but you're not multiplying anything.
Jill: Well, you didn't let me finish.
Tim: Why don't you finish that?
Jill: Well, I buy a pound and a half of cheese and then I multiply that by... a gallon and a half of milk.
Brad: But why would you do that?
Jill: Because... Because I'm... making cheese milk.
Jill: Now go get your math book. We are going to teach you how to multiply compound fractions.
Tim: Couldn't we just punish him? Send him in his room without his cheese milk? [Jill laughs]

Quote from Jill

Jill: I think you should call a professional.
Tim: I don't need a professional. Hey, I'll just hook this up to the compressor and vaporize that little bird butt.
Jill: You need professional help.
Tim: I do not need an exterminator.
Jill: I meant a psychiatrist.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: I see your son Brad is assiduously poring over his academic tomes.
Tim: His what? Oh, yeah, he's studying. Hey, Wilson, do you know how to multiply compound fractions?
Wilson: 'Course I do, Tim. I love mathematics. It's one of the building blocks of thought. Nothing teaches order and discipline better. You know what Galileo Galilei said.
Tim: Yeah, sure. 1601, Florence. "Why do both of my names sound the same?"
Wilson: No, he said, "The universe is written in the language of mathematics. Its characters are triangles, circles, other geometric figures. Without mathematics, one wanders about in a dark labyrinth."
Tim: Labyrinth?
Wilson: Let's just say a maze.
Tim: I know I am.

Quote from Jill

Jill: [on the phone] No, sir. No, I don't want it killed. Don't you have any nonviolent exterminators there? Well, then why do you have this ad here with this happy little mouse hitchhiking down the highway? Well, he should have his teeny little head caught in a trap and cheese dribbling out the side of his mouth. Well... Hello? He hung up on me. That is so rude.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Brad, you can't go through life havin' other people do your work for you.
Brad: What about Al? He does your work for you.
Tim: Don't push me, fella.

Quote from Tim

Tim: In order to get a new floor, we gotta lift off the old floor.
Al: That's right. And for that, we can use a simple, basic, scraper.
Tim: But that wouldn't be any fun. Let's use the Dry Ice method. You just put Dry Ice down there, it lifts the asphalt tiles right up.
Al: Actually, Tim... Uh... Using Dry Ice, you'd need an awful lot of Dry Ice for that to work.
Tim: For once, Al, you're totally correct.
Al: So what we'll do is, we'll be using the... [engine starts] the simple, basic, scraper. And you can pick this up at just about any hardware store...
[After Tim drives onto set in a Skid Steer Loader, the vehicle breaks through the wooden floor and tilts forward, crushing Al's mother's tea set]
Tim: We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.

Quote from Jill

Jill: So, do you think this thing is gonna be safe?
Tim: This is gonna be great. You guys stay in the safety of the hangar while Captain Bob goes out and takes care of that woodpecker.
Jill: I think I should just call the hospital and see if they're serving a soup you like.

Quote from Randy

Jill: You don't feel hot to me. But here, I'll take your temperature.
Tim: What's the matter with Brad?
Randy: Well, he's dumb and he's got a dorky haircut.
Tim: Paging Dr. Shot. Dr. Rim Shot.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Mom, can I have some bread to feed my woodpecker?
Tim: Don't feed the woodpecker. No. Don't do that.
Mark: But Pete looks hungry.
Tim: His name's not Pete. He doesn't have a name. It's a woodpecker. It's a pest. He's gone. He's outta here. Goodbye, Charlie.
Mark: You mean I could call him Charlie?
Tim: No!
Jill: Don't hurt Pete!
Mark: It's Charlie.
Tim: It's nobody!

Quote from Brad

Randy: Here comes Mom.
[Brad takes the thermometer out of Jill's coffee and puts it in his mouth]
Brad: Aaargh!
Jill: What's wrong?
Brad: My tongue hurts.
Jill: Oh, God, I hope you don't have strep throat. I have to go to work today. [Brad runs his tongue under the tap] 108. I don't know whether to put you to bed or baste you. What's goin' on at school?
Brad: Nothing. I love school.
Jill: Well, that's good. Then you won't mind going. Get going. Get ready.
Brad: Oh, man!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Woodpecker's not building a nest out there. There's twigs everywhere. He's building a city. Skyscrapers, subways, minimarts. It's Peckerville out there, honey.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, he's 12. Girls will come and go in his life, OK?
Jill: Jennifer's his first love. It hurts when you lose your first love.
Tim: I don't have to worry about that. I see mine every day.
Jill: That is so sweet.
Tim: You should meet her sometime.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Come on. They can hear that all over the neighborhood.
Tim: I can't take this. That bird's mocking me, sittin' up there smilin'.
Jill: He's got a beak. He can't smile.
Tim: Your mom's got a beak. She smiles now and then.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Hey, guys. I got a way to get rid of the woodpecker. I got the old Binford Blastmaster out, right? I'm gonna run 2000 pulsating decibels through that horn. [puts on ear protectors]
Randy: That's a great idea.
Tim: Huh?
Randy: You look like a big geek.
Tim: All right. [gives Randy a thumbs up]

Quote from Brad

Brad: This isn't a good time.
Jennifer: This won't take long. Here's your math book. Good luck finding someone else to do your homework.
Brad: Wait. Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. Wait. [loudly] I'm really sad we're not going out anymore.
Jennifer: Then why did you say you'd only go out with me if I let you copy my homework? Goodbye, Bradley. [exits]
Jill: Bradley Michael Taylor. Is that true? Have you been copying her homework?
Brad: Mom, could we not talk about this now? I'm very sad.
Jill: Oh, shut up!

Quote from Randy

Brad: Well, it's hard. I can't do it. I'm just stupid.
Jill: The only stupid thing you did was try to cheat.
Randy: Getting caught wasn't too bright either.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Here we go. Here we go. "Multiply the denominator and the whole number, then add the product to the numerator. The sum will be the new numerator. Repeat the process with the second compound fraction, then multiply the numerators and the denominators. Convert the product to a compound fraction."
Tim: Go ahead, Brad.
Brad: Go ahead and what?
Jill: Well, you should go ahead... OK, we're gonna help you with this for the first time. All right? So, Tim, you do that.
Tim: Why not? All right, everybody. Let's... do this first problem. "Multiply three and five eighths, times six and three nineteenths." What?!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, it said... it said, uh... "Multiply the denominator." And the denominator was... what, again?
Brad: The bottom number.
Jill: The bottom number.
Tim: The bottom number, yeah. [peeks at Brad's work] Why don't they just call it "the bottom number"? "The denominator" sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie, doesn't it? [as Schwarzenegger] I'm the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction.

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