Wilson: Mark, are you familiar with photons?
Mark: Sure. I slept on one at my friend Jimmy's house.
Wilson: No, no, I think you're speaking of futons.

Mark: The teacher gave me a tough one today. It's about money.
Tim: Hm. What's the problem?
Mark: All right. "Sam has $8. Billy has nothing."
Tim: Wait, wait, wait. Should use real money. Eight bucks?
Mark: Yeah.
Tim: Four, five, six... cool. All right, go ahead.
Mark: All right.
Tim: I'll be Sam. You be Billy.
Mark: Sam gives Billy, 50% of what he has.
Tim: That's $4. One, two, three, four.
Mark: Thanks, Sam.
Tim: All right. Now, Billy gives Sam, 50% of what he has.
Tim: That's two out of the four. OK.
Mark: One, two.
Tim: That's pretty simple. OK.
Mark: All right. Now, Sam gives Billy, a hundred percent of what he has left.
Tim: All right.
Mark: "...how much does Sam have?"
Tim: Nothing.
Mark: Exactly. Thanks, Sam. [walks away with the money]
Tim: Sam wasn't a real bright guy, was he?

Al: I must say I'm... I'm very flattered.
Tim: I must say I'm very frightened. Listen to this, "What woman wouldn't wanna cuddle up with Detroit's rugged Mr. Fix-it, Al Borland?" [Al chortles] "Along with his trademark humility, Al displays a quiet competence and an understated sense of humor." So understated, no one gets it.
Al: Obviously someone did.
Tim: Huh? "His big, beaming smile matches his big, beaming behind."
Al: It doesn't say that!
Tim: Well, it should.

Al: Well, wait a minute. You're in here.
Tim: What's it say?
Al: "As usual, the Borland charm is a much-needed antidote to the overblown macho displays of the accident-prone host Tim Taylor."
Tim: Accident-prone! [picks up the overcharged battery] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Tim: All right, give me another problem.
Mark: OK. "Bill's car goes 40 miles per hour. Mary's car goes 60 miles per hour. How long will it take for each of them to go 120 miles?"
Tim: All right. What size motors do they have?
Mark: What?
Tim: Is it automatic or manual transmission? That's got to make a difference.
Mark: Dad!
Randy: The answer is Bill, three hours, Mary, two.
Mark: Thanks.
Tim: I shouldn't be helping you with your math homework anyway.
Mark: You're not.

Tim: All right, what's your English assignment?
Mark: Well, I have to do a report on the most interesting person I know.
Tim: [sighs] I was born in middle Michigan. It was an autumn birth. A breech baby, I was a really difficult birth...
Mark: Dad. Dad. I'm not sure you're the most interesting person I know.
Randy: I'm not sure he's the most interesting person in this room.
Mark: Maybe I'll do Wilson.
Tim: Wilson? Wilson? What interesting thing is he gonna tell you?
Randy: Well, how about his dinner with Einstein?
Mark: Wow! He had dinner with Einstein?
Tim: Really overrated guy. If he knew so much about gravity, how come his hair stood up like that? You should write the story about me.
Mark: I think I'll stick with Wilson.

Woman #2: Excuse me. Could I ask a question?
Tim: Oh, gosh darn it, why not?
Woman #2: Has Al ever been married?
Tim: If we're gonna ask questions, they should be about French doors.
Woman #2: Would Al be more likely to marry someone who had French doors?
Al: Actually, I'm partial to women with all sorts of doors. [chuckles] [Tim fakes a laugh] Dutch doors, sliding glass doors...
Tim: Keep going. Any other kind of doors?
Al: No.
Woman #3: What kind of windows does Al like in a woman?
Al: Actually, I'm partial to bay or louvered. [The frame falls as Al walks towards the audience]
Tim: Or broken.

Jill: Well... I think that they're talking out there. I cannot believe he acted that way. He was flirting with every woman in this place.
Tim: Oh, Jill, those women were coming on to him.
Jill: He's like a completely different person.
Tim: Which is good, because usually on Saturday night he's out clog dancing with his mother. He's acting like a normal guy.
Jill: You think it's normal to ignore a woman on your 15-month anniversary?
Tim: I don't think it's normal to celebrate a 15-month anniversary.

Tim: Give the guy a break. He's just living out every guy's fantasy.
Jill: Excuse me? Every guy's fantasy?
Tim: Every guy's fanta... Single guys. You know, married guys don't have fantasies. They're taken away from them. It's a good thing, 'cause then you get to... you know, give all your attention to your wife, year after year. You know, month in, month out, day after day until you're dead.
Jill: You've just swept me off my feet all over again.

Randy: What are you doing, Wilson?
Wilson: Randy, I'm making an alpenhorn. You see, in Switzerland they use these to herd sheep.
Mark: Are you getting a sheep?
Wilson: Actually, I'm making it to play in the local alpenhorn quintet, and you boys are welcome to come out this Saturday and be my guests at the annual horn and yodel fest.
Randy: Sounds like a rockin' good time, Wilson, but I'm going to that clarinet and noodle fest.