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‘Bachelor of the Year’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Bachelor of the Year

416. Bachelor of the Year

Aired February 7, 1995

Al gets an ego boost when he is named one of Detroit's ten sexiest bachelors.

Quote from Mark

Wilson: Mark, are you familiar with photons?
Mark: Sure. I slept on one at my friend Jimmy's house.
Wilson: No, no, I think you're speaking of futons.

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Quote from Mark

Mark: The teacher gave me a tough one today. It's about money.
Tim: Hm. What's the problem?
Mark: All right. "Sam has $8. Billy has nothing."
Tim: Wait, wait, wait. Should use real money. Eight bucks?
Mark: Yeah.
Tim: Four, five, six... cool. All right, go ahead.
Mark: All right.
Tim: I'll be Sam. You be Billy.
Mark: Sam gives Billy, 50% of what he has.
Tim: That's $4. One, two, three, four.
Mark: Thanks, Sam.
Tim: All right. Now, Billy gives Sam, 50% of what he has.
Tim: That's two out of the four. OK.
Mark: One, two.
Tim: That's pretty simple. OK.
Mark: All right. Now, Sam gives Billy, a hundred percent of what he has left.
Tim: All right.
Mark: "...how much does Sam have?"
Tim: Nothing.
Mark: Exactly. Thanks, Sam. [walks away with the money]
Tim: Sam wasn't a real bright guy, was he?

Quote from Tim

Al: I must say I'm... I'm very flattered.
Tim: I must say I'm very frightened. Listen to this, "What woman wouldn't wanna cuddle up with Detroit's rugged Mr. Fix-it, Al Borland?" [Al chortles] "Along with his trademark humility, Al displays a quiet competence and an understated sense of humor." So understated, no one gets it.
Al: Obviously someone did.
Tim: Huh? "His big, beaming smile matches his big, beaming behind."
Al: It doesn't say that!
Tim: Well, it should.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, wait a minute. You're in here.
Tim: What's it say?
Al: "As usual, the Borland charm is a much-needed antidote to the overblown macho displays of the accident-prone host Tim Taylor."
Tim: Accident-prone! [picks up the overcharged battery] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, give me another problem.
Mark: OK. "Bill's car goes 40 miles per hour. Mary's car goes 60 miles per hour. How long will it take for each of them to go 120 miles?"
Tim: All right. What size motors do they have?
Mark: What?
Tim: Is it automatic or manual transmission? That's got to make a difference.
Mark: Dad!
Randy: The answer is Bill, three hours, Mary, two.
Mark: Thanks.
Tim: I shouldn't be helping you with your math homework anyway.
Mark: You're not.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, what's your English assignment?
Mark: Well, I have to do a report on the most interesting person I know.
Tim: [sighs] I was born in middle Michigan. It was an autumn birth. A breech baby, I was a really difficult birth...
Mark: Dad. Dad. I'm not sure you're the most interesting person I know.
Randy: I'm not sure he's the most interesting person in this room.
Mark: Maybe I'll do Wilson.
Tim: Wilson? Wilson? What interesting thing is he gonna tell you?
Randy: Well, how about his dinner with Einstein?
Mark: Wow! He had dinner with Einstein?
Tim: Really overrated guy. If he knew so much about gravity, how come his hair stood up like that? You should write the story about me.
Mark: I think I'll stick with Wilson.

Quote from Al

Woman #2: Excuse me. Could I ask a question?
Tim: Oh, gosh darn it, why not?
Woman #2: Has Al ever been married?
Tim: If we're gonna ask questions, they should be about French doors.
Woman #2: Would Al be more likely to marry someone who had French doors?
Al: Actually, I'm partial to women with all sorts of doors. [chuckles] [Tim fakes a laugh] Dutch doors, sliding glass doors...
Tim: Keep going. Any other kind of doors?
Al: No.
Woman #3: What kind of windows does Al like in a woman?
Al: Actually, I'm partial to bay or louvered. [The frame falls as Al walks towards the audience]
Tim: Or broken.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well... I think that they're talking out there. I cannot believe he acted that way. He was flirting with every woman in this place.
Tim: Oh, Jill, those women were coming on to him.
Jill: He's like a completely different person.
Tim: Which is good, because usually on Saturday night he's out clog dancing with his mother. He's acting like a normal guy.
Jill: You think it's normal to ignore a woman on your 15-month anniversary?
Tim: I don't think it's normal to celebrate a 15-month anniversary.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Give the guy a break. He's just living out every guy's fantasy.
Jill: Excuse me? Every guy's fantasy?
Tim: Every guy's fanta... Single guys. You know, married guys don't have fantasies. They're taken away from them. It's a good thing, 'cause then you get to... you know, give all your attention to your wife, year after year. You know, month in, month out, day after day until you're dead.
Jill: You've just swept me off my feet all over again.

Quote from Wilson

Randy: What are you doing, Wilson?
Wilson: Randy, I'm making an alpenhorn. You see, in Switzerland they use these to herd sheep.
Mark: Are you getting a sheep?
Wilson: Actually, I'm making it to play in the local alpenhorn quintet, and you boys are welcome to come out this Saturday and be my guests at the annual horn and yodel fest.
Randy: Sounds like a rockin' good time, Wilson, but I'm going to that clarinet and noodle fest.

Quote from Wilson

Mark: I have this report due on the most interesting person I know, and I picked you.
Wilson: Why, Mark, I am so flattered.
Mark: Did you really know Einstein?
Wilson: Oh, I not only knew him, I had dinner with the great scientist.
Mark: Wow.
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeed. It was over appetizers he regaled me with his theory of relativity, and then when the main course came, he spoke of other great theories.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Hey, Dad. Have you ever had dinner with any interesting people?
Tim: You bet. Felix Myman, the great plumber.
Wilson: You, see, Mark? That's a lot more interesting than Einstein and his theory of relativity.
Tim: Right, Felix had a theory called "clogativity." It has to do with toilet paper and toilets.
Mark: Cool!
Tim: Yeah, it's a smelly theory, but it's really kinda neat. He came up with this thing - with enough air pressure you could shatter porcelain with one blast...

Quote from Tim

Tim: OK. OK.
Al: The show is over and it's still smoking.
Tim: I did this for a reason, Al.
Al: And that would be?
Tim: Now the crowd knows exactly what happens when you overcharge a battery. It swells up and does this.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Hey, guys. You seen this month's Detroit Life?
Al: Not yet.
Heidi: Guess who's one of the sexiest ten bachelors in the city.
Al: Someone we know?
Heidi: Someone who works on the show.
Al: I bet it's Marv. I've always found Marv attractive.
Tim: Marv's OK, but he's no Vic.
Heidi: It's not Marv or Vic. It's Al.
Tim: Who?
Al: What?
Heidi: Congratulations, Al.

Quote from Brad

Tim: Hey, Brad. Who's the most interesting man that you know?
Brad: Wilson.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Did you see this magazine? Al was voted one of the ten sexiest bachelors in Detroit.
Tim: Which probably explains why all the single women I saw were heading towards Cleveland.
Jill: I can see how some women would find Al sexy.
Tim: I guess if you never saw another man before.
Jill: You just don't get it. Sexiness is something that comes from the inside. It's something that you exude.
Tim: It's my opinion that anything Al exudes should stay on the inside.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Whoo! Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant Al "I Wish l..." [women in the audience cheer] Well, I guess we all read the article, didn't we?
Woman: I love you, Al.
Al: Thank you.
Tim: Well, it's gosh darn nice to have all you ladies in the audience with us on Tool Time. You'll enjoy the show because we're talking about French doors today.
Woman: We wanna talk about Al.
Tim: Well, actually, Al and French doors share something in common. They're both things I like to slam.

Quote from Tim

Tim: The important thing to remember about putting in doors is you want to secure 'em, straighten 'em, plumb 'em, and make sure that they're in there straight.
Woman #1: Could you move so we could get a better view of Al?
Tim: Is this better?
Woman #2: Well, now I can't see.
Tim: Ladies, this is a tool show, OK? All right? We're gonna use shims here, as he hammers...

Quote from Tim

Al: And I would like to thank Jill for introducing me to Ilene. And, Ilene, here's to another great 15 months.
Ilene: It's been the happiest 15 months of my life.
Jill: That is so romantic.
Tim: Sure is. I want pork.

Quote from Tim

Shelly: Hi. I'm Shelly, and I'll be your waitress this evening. I'm single, I want a relationship, and I like long walks on the beach.
Tim: I'm starving, I want pork, and I'd like a glass of water.
Shelly: We have some lovely appetizers this evening. May I recommend the raw oysters?
Al: Are they fresh?
Shelly: I shucked them myself.
Al: Sounds great. I'll have that.
Jill: I'll have the... Shelly, we're hungry too.
Tim: She just took one of her long walks.
Jill & Ilene: "I shucked them myself."

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