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‘Loose Lips and Freudian Slips’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Loose Lips and Freudian Slips

822. Loose Lips and Freudian Slips

Aired May 4, 1999

After Jill finally submits her thesis for her master's degree, she is caught insulting her professor on videotape.

Quote from Tim

Jill: How do you feel about some killer chili? You want to stay for dinner?
Gregory: Sorry. I can't masticate in front of strangers.
Tim: Who can?

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, my drama department wanted me to rewrite my play. But I was very passionate about Walking Naked.
Jill: So, you refused to make any of the changes?
Wilson: No, no, no, no. Quite the opposite. I caved in, rewrote the whole play. It was a big success.
Jill: You must've been thrilled!
Wilson: Uh-uh. No, I felt terrible because I compromised the integrity of the play.
Jill: So, you think that I should just stick to what I wrote originally?
Wilson: You know, Jill, your name is gonna be on that thesis forever. Shouldn't it represent something that you truly believe in?
Jill: Yes, it should. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you, Wilson. You're always so sensible.
Wilson: Well, my pleasure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an old brown bat to seduce.

Quote from Mark

Mark: [on tape] And those are the Taylors. If they are the typical American family, this country's in trouble.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Hey, Mom! Did you ever get a hold of your professor?
Jill: No. And, you know, none of this would've happened if you hadn't taped me without my knowledge. Don't you know that's illegal?
Mark: It would be, except you said I could tape you. I have it on tape.

Quote from Jill

Dr. Hanover: Well, speaking for the committee, we feel that your thesis is basically quite solid.
Jill: Oh, good.
Dr. Miller: But we felt there were a few things that were just a hair off.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Hanover's bald head]
Jill: A hair off?
Dr. Hanover: Dr. Miller, would you like to elaborate?
Dr. Miller: Well, I...
Jill: Was it the conclusion? Was it too thin? Sparse? I mean, shallow?
Dr. Miller: I wasn't ready to talk about the conclusion just yet.
Jill: Oh, sorry, I jumped ahead... I mean forward.

Quote from Jill

Dr. Miller: On page 48, you say that feminism has complicated the traditional psychological dynamic between fathers and sons. Can you elaborate on that?
Jill: Yes, I can. Um... As I stated on page 49, "Fathers have to teach their sons that women and men are equal, even though they may not have been raised with that belief."
Dr. Hanover: Point well taken.
Jill: Thank you, Dr. Comb-over... Hanover!

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Walking Naked is a play I wrote in college. It's a saga of an Aztec warrior who finds himself in New Jersey.
Jill: Ah. Primitive man adapts to modern society...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. It's about a guy who loses his clothes in Newark. And funny stuff happens to him.

Quote from Heidi

Al: Next you want to put in your chili mix.
Tim: Right. And a manly jalapeño pepper. Now, if there's women-folk partaking, you might want to go easy.
Heidi: Oh, please!
Al: Now, you want to let this stew for about a day.
Brant Von Hoffmann: But we have a pot here all ready for tasting.
Heidi: That's right.
Tim: Oh, yeah.
Heidi: Okay. Oh, clumsy me.
[After Heidi knocks some utensils off the cabinet, the guys all bend down to help her out. Heidi empties the bowl of jalapeño pepper into the chili.]
Heidi: Okay, here you go, boys.
Brant Von Hoffmann: Thank you.
Heidi: Oh, I'm sorry... "Men."
Todd Von Hoffmann: Al! Al, not with a spoon. Always eat three-alarm chili with a saltine.
Al: Absolutely!
Brant Von Hoffmann: That's right.
Heidi: I upped it to eight-alarm just to weed out the men from the boys.

Quote from Mark

Brad: I can't believe I have to waste my Friday night watching your stupid video.
Mark: It's payback for having to watch you kick your stupid soccer ball.
Tim: Guys, this is what family's all about, you know? Doing stuff together that you hate.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, my gosh! That's Dr. Hanover.
Tim: [chuckles] Call him Dr. Comb-over.
Jill: Ssh, ssh.
Brad: [chuckles] That was a good one.
Jill: This guy is head of the Psych Department. I have to defend my thesis to him tomorrow.
Brad: Are you sure he shouldn't be defending his haircut to you?
Tim: Good one.

Quote from Tim

Mrs. Gamble: Our last film is from the very gifted Mark Taylor.
Jill: Tim? Wake up! Tim!
Tim: [wakes up] We'll be right back after these messages from Binford!

Quote from Jill

Brad: [on tape] Hey, Mom. How was your day?
Jill: [on tape] You really want to know how my day was?
Brad: [on tape] Not really.
Jill: Uh-oh.
Tim: What?
Jill: [on tape] Well, it was going great until I had this awful conference with this horribly arrogant professor of mine.
Jill: Please don't mention his name! Please don't mention his name!
Tim: You didn't, you didn't, you didn't.
Jill: [on tape] Dr. Hanover.
Tim: You did!
Jill: [on tape] He's a pompous jackass, you know? He's smug, he's didactic. And what is the deal with men, you know, and their comb-overs? I mean, this one would start at his neck and stretch across. Hideous thing.
Brad: Good one. [laughs]

Quote from Brad

Brad: Mom, are you ever gonna get off the phone? I've gotta make some calls.
Jill: Use your phone.
Brad: I can't. I'm downloading some hot pictures from Denmark... of Danishes.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How was your day?
Jill: Imagine having your head squeezed in a vise.
Tim: I don't have to imagine.

Quote from Brad

Jill: You know, this part just doesn't seem right there.
Brad: "When the mother tries to instill feminist ideology in her son, and the father presents a counter philosophy/ethos, it can cause confusion in the adolescent male." Hmm. Sounds good to me.
Jill: You understand that?
Brad: No. But I'm a confused adolescent male.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Wilson?
Wilson: Come to me, my lovely little creature of the night.
Jill: What? Are you drunk?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Jill. I was talking to the Chiroptera which I'm trying to attract with the sounds on this tape recorder.
Jill: What's that?
Wilson: It's a small device for recording tapes.
Jill: No. I mean the other thing.
Wilson: Oh, the Chiroptera. Well, that's a bat. I saw one swooping around here. I'm trying to get her to nest in my eaves.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I was just wondering what you thought of my thesis.
Wilson: Oh, yes. The thesis, yes. Well, that was a very interesting rewrite. I thought your use of comparative symbolism had a certain textural resonance that really...
Jill: You think it blows.
Wilson: Like a Nor'easter. You know, to tell you the truth, Jill, I actually preferred the original version.
Jill: So did I. But Dr. Hanover hated it, you know? And I have to make these changes whether I believe in them or not.
Wilson: You know, your situation reminds me of Walking Naked.
Jill: Good night, Wilson.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I've, um, finished all my revisions.
Dr. Hanover: I look forward to reading it.
Jill: Dr. Hanover, I've tried to incorporate all of your notes. But, frankly, I just couldn't make some of them work.
Dr. Hanover: Pity.
Jill: May I?
Dr. Hanover: Oh, please. Yes.
Jill: Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful. I could only write this in a way that makes sense to me. And I think you might have been overly critical of my work.
Dr. Hanover: Why? Because you called me a pompous jackass with a bad comb-over?
Jill: I am so, so sorry.
Dr. Hanover: Me, too. When my wife heard what you said, she came after me with an Epilady. [Jill gasps]

Quote from Jill

Dr. Hanover: Just wait till you get out in private practice and you have to deal with what's inside people's heads.
Jill: If I can't deal with male pattern baldness, what am I gonna do when I get people who think they're Elvis?
Dr. Hanover: I always make them a fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich. Jill, you're gonna be a fine psychologist. And I'm sure, in time, you'll learn not to be thrown by the unexpected.
Jill: Thank you, Dr. Hanover. And when you've read my revisions, I'll be ready to defend them.
Dr. Hanover: Jill, before you go, can I get your professional opinion on something?
Jill: Oh, certainly. Yes.
Dr. Hanover: [puts on a grey wig] What do you think of this?
Jill: You can wear it, but can you defend it?
Dr. Hanover: Touché.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, good news. Your dad, the pompous Dr. Hanover, loved your mom's thesis.
Mark: Really? Cool.
Gregory: Yeah, sure. It's cool for her. When's the last time I ever got a compliment? People mock me day in and day out. They call me a mama's boy. What kind of future do I have?
Tim: I don't know. How good do you look in flannel?

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