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‘Loose Lips and Freudian Slips’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Loose Lips and Freudian Slips

822. Loose Lips and Freudian Slips

Aired May 4, 1999

After Jill finally submits her thesis for her master's degree, she is caught insulting her professor on videotape.

Quote from Tim

Jill: How do you feel about some killer chili? You want to stay for dinner?
Gregory: Sorry. I can't masticate in front of strangers.
Tim: Who can?

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, my drama department wanted me to rewrite my play. But I was very passionate about Walking Naked.
Jill: So, you refused to make any of the changes?
Wilson: No, no, no, no. Quite the opposite. I caved in, rewrote the whole play. It was a big success.
Jill: You must've been thrilled!
Wilson: Uh-uh. No, I felt terrible because I compromised the integrity of the play.
Jill: So, you think that I should just stick to what I wrote originally?
Wilson: You know, Jill, your name is gonna be on that thesis forever. Shouldn't it represent something that you truly believe in?
Jill: Yes, it should. You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you, Wilson. You're always so sensible.
Wilson: Well, my pleasure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an old brown bat to seduce.

Quote from Mark

Mark: [on tape] And those are the Taylors. If they are the typical American family, this country's in trouble.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Hey, Mom! Did you ever get a hold of your professor?
Jill: No. And, you know, none of this would've happened if you hadn't taped me without my knowledge. Don't you know that's illegal?
Mark: It would be, except you said I could tape you. I have it on tape.

Quote from Jill

Dr. Hanover: Well, speaking for the committee, we feel that your thesis is basically quite solid.
Jill: Oh, good.
Dr. Miller: But we felt there were a few things that were just a hair off.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Hanover's bald head]
Jill: A hair off?
Dr. Hanover: Dr. Miller, would you like to elaborate?
Dr. Miller: Well, I...
Jill: Was it the conclusion? Was it too thin? Sparse? I mean, shallow?
Dr. Miller: I wasn't ready to talk about the conclusion just yet.
Jill: Oh, sorry, I jumped ahead... I mean forward.

Quote from Jill

Dr. Miller: On page 48, you say that feminism has complicated the traditional psychological dynamic between fathers and sons. Can you elaborate on that?
Jill: Yes, I can. Um... As I stated on page 49, "Fathers have to teach their sons that women and men are equal, even though they may not have been raised with that belief."
Dr. Hanover: Point well taken.
Jill: Thank you, Dr. Comb-over... Hanover!

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Walking Naked is a play I wrote in college. It's a saga of an Aztec warrior who finds himself in New Jersey.
Jill: Ah. Primitive man adapts to modern society...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. It's about a guy who loses his clothes in Newark. And funny stuff happens to him.

Quote from Heidi

Al: Next you want to put in your chili mix.
Tim: Right. And a manly jalapeño pepper. Now, if there's women-folk partaking, you might want to go easy.
Heidi: Oh, please!
Al: Now, you want to let this stew for about a day.
Brant Von Hoffmann: But we have a pot here all ready for tasting.
Heidi: That's right.
Tim: Oh, yeah.
Heidi: Okay. Oh, clumsy me.
[After Heidi knocks some utensils off the cabinet, the guys all bend down to help her out. Heidi empties the bowl of jalapeño pepper into the chili.]
Heidi: Okay, here you go, boys.
Brant Von Hoffmann: Thank you.
Heidi: Oh, I'm sorry... "Men."
Todd Von Hoffmann: Al! Al, not with a spoon. Always eat three-alarm chili with a saltine.
Al: Absolutely!
Brant Von Hoffmann: That's right.
Heidi: I upped it to eight-alarm just to weed out the men from the boys.

Quote from Mark

Brad: I can't believe I have to waste my Friday night watching your stupid video.
Mark: It's payback for having to watch you kick your stupid soccer ball.
Tim: Guys, this is what family's all about, you know? Doing stuff together that you hate.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, my gosh! That's Dr. Hanover.
Tim: [chuckles] Call him Dr. Comb-over.
Jill: Ssh, ssh.
Brad: [chuckles] That was a good one.
Jill: This guy is head of the Psych Department. I have to defend my thesis to him tomorrow.
Brad: Are you sure he shouldn't be defending his haircut to you?
Tim: Good one.

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