Jill: Why don't you just ever tune in to me?
Tim: What am I supposed to do? Read your mind? At least when I want something, it's pretty clear what it is I want.
Jill: Well, that's true, Tim. Your signals are real clear. You crush a beer can on your head, that means, "I need another one." You belch... [belches] that's, "I'm done." And, "Honey, I took a shower," that's, "Wake up, I'm ready."

Tim: Thank you very much and welcome to Tool Time. I'm your host, of course, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant Al "I can't find a better job" Borland. [chuckles] Anyway, all this week Al and I will be doin' our salute to safety, 'cause, after all, Al, a safe workplace is a happy workplace. Right?
Al: I wouldn't know, Tim.

Tim: Safety on the job site is a priority. That's why proper equipment is essential. Custom-designed hard hat. [hits Al's hard hat] And proper safety goggles to protect your eyes from unexpected objects. [Al blocks Tim's hand as he goes for his goggles] Anyway, these goggles are specially coated to reduce glare and prevent scratching. [scratches Al's goggles]
Al: And they're vented for your added comfort.
Tim: And so is Al. Anyway, the important thing here is safety on the job site. And safety starts at a little spot right here. You must have direct and clear communication between your coworkers. Al, look out! See? See? Had this been a real emergency, Al would be safe because I gave him a clear and direct signal. And as Al's coworker, I'm concerned with his safety. Just as Al is concerned with mine. Right, Al?
Al: What's your point, Tim?
Tim: Good direct question. My point is, I don't think women are as clear with their signals as men. I know they're not. On a job site, for instance, if a man holds up a stop sign, he means, "Hey, stop there!" If a woman holds up the stop sign... If she designed this, it'd say: "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

Jill: You remember the first time you kissed me? It was outside my dorm after Casablanca.
Tim: I thought it was after That Darn Cat starring Dean Jones. I often get those films confused. I remember, I hesitated. Then you shut your eyes. Boy, my heart was going crazy, wasn't it?
Jill: Oh, yeah, boom-boom-boom-boom.
Tim: Di-di-di-di-di. And then we did the tilt thing wrong. Then we locked. [they kiss]
Mark: [o.s.] Mommy and Daddy sittin' in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Randy: [o.s.] We're in the tree, stupid!

Tim: Come on, Jill, lighten up. I didn't understand what you meant on the phone.
Jill: Well, what did you think I meant when I said all that stuff about how I was looking forward to seeing you and "I'll be waiting"?
Tim: Oh, like you said it like that - "I'll be waiting."
Jill: Well, I wanted to be more subtle. What did you want me to say? "The kids are gone, I'm home alone. Come and take me, big daddy."
Tim: That I understand.

Brad: But when you and Mom kiss, do you ever bump noses?
Tim: Are you kiddin'? We got the tilt thing down. When you kiss a woman, you gotta lean to one side, she's gotta go the other side, so you don't mash noses. Unless you could find a woman whose nose is big enough you could fit right into it. Listen...
Brad: Dad...
Tim: Don't rush into this kissing thing, OK?
Brad: That's what Mom said. She said I'm too young.
Tim: She's right. She's really smart. We didn't start kissing till last week.

Tim: Well, there won't be any I'amour at this house tonight.
Wilson: Tim, I think I hear a problem.
Tim: Well, if you got a minute, Wilson, listen. Jill says she's sending out signals that I'm not picking up. I say the signals are so subtle no man could pick 'em up.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I think men are capable of grasping very subtle ideas.
Tim: What are you saying?
Wilson: Well, maybe not all men.

Tim: The reason I asked these guys down here is a darn good one. These guys probably have the toughest job in construction in the state of Michigan - workin' on the high steel. And these guys have a perfect safety record for the last 195 days. 195. Think about that...
Rock: Uh, Timmy. I'm afraid that record stopped at 194.
Tim: Good night, nurse. What happened?
Rock: Well, yesterday, somebody had a little accident with a rivet.
Pete: Well, you see, Tim, I was so excited about coming back on your show, I let one of those red-hot rivets slip.
Dwayne: Yes, you did.
[Dwayne bends over to reveal a rivet-sized hole in his hard hat, before removing it to reveal a bandage on his bald head]
Tim: Hey, look on the bright side. You didn't burn any hair.
Al: Tim, rivet accidents are no laughing matter.
Tim: And neither are you, Al.

Tim: Hey, before we get to our safety demonstration, I'd like to get to a letter on a very controversial subject. By a Charles Eddington, from Grosse Pointe, Michigan. He writes, "Dear Tim. You've taken this masculinism bit too far. All you do is use loud tools, act macho and grunt like an ape. Your show makes me sick and so do you." [Al snorts] He continues, "I'd like to see a lot less of that Al guy. I hate Al."
Al: Can I see that, Tim?
Tim: We don't have time for that, Al.

Tim: Well, Chucky, I tried. I think it's time to give this letter back to the complaint department. [chuckles] Lisa.
Lisa: Here you go, Tim. All loaded.
Tim: Thanks, Lisa. Chucky, this... is the complaint department. Al, wanna hold that letter up for me?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: I'd like to respond by saying: "Charlie, thanks for sharing your feelings." [torches the letter] Please feel free to write anytime.