Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Write Stuff’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Write Stuff

720. The Write Stuff

Aired March 31, 1998

Randy is angry when Brad joins the school newspaper and launches a tawdry gossip column.

Quote from Brad

Brad: You know what your problem is? You're jealous of me.
Randy: Oh, please, what would I possibly have to be jealous about?
Brad: That people like my article better than yours, or maybe people just like me better.
Jill: Brad.
Tim: Jill.
Brad: No, no, no. I'm more popular, I'm more athletic, and it looks like now I'm a better writer.
Randy: You are such a deluded egomaniac.
Brad: No, no, you're the one that's deluded. I mean, you think people want to read your boring, intellectual crap?
Jill: Knock it off!
Tim: Guys, guys, guys, stop! What is the problem here?
Randy: Oh, no. The problem is, Dad, is your oldest son is so stupid he should be writing an article called, Hey Duh.
Brad: Hey, I'm taller than you too!

Rate

Quote from Wilson

Randy: You know, Wilson, I've worked for two years at that paper trying to produce quality journalism.
Wilson: Then Brad waltzes in and steals your thunder.
Randy: Well, it's not so much that he stole my thunder, it's just what he stole it with.
Wilson: Jock itch.
Randy: You got it.
Wilson: Randy, let me ask you something. If Brad had written a brilliant article, would you feel any differently?
Randy: I might be a bit jealous, but at least I would've respected it.
Wilson: You know, despite what anyone may think of Brad's article, it doesn't diminish the quality yours. You know, Robert Kennedy once said, "Each time a man stands up for an ideal, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope."
Randy: Wilson, I'd like to believe that, but how do I keep pouring my heart into my writing if people are more interested in who's scratching where.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know Randy, once I was a young columnist for the Wichita Star, then I got bumped from my feature column by this hot-shot named Walter Winchell.
Randy: Walter Winchell?
Wilson: Oh, yes, the God of Gossip, The Earl of Innuendo, The Prince of Propaganda, The Duke of...
Randy: Wilson, I get it.
Wilson: No, no, no, I've got one more. The Baron of Baloney.
Randy: What were you gonna say?
Wilson: It's just I was so outraged by being upstaged by Winchell, I wanted to quit. And then suddenly, I realized, if more people buy the paper to read Winchell's column, more people are gonna read mine.
Randy: So maybe Hey Yo can do for me what Winchell did for you?
Wilson: Absolutely. As a matter of fact, because of him, the readership doubled for my column, Rock Beat.
Randy: You wrote about Rock and Roll?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. Rocks.

Quote from Jill

Jill: "Genetic Mutations in the Second Half of the Twentieth Century?" That's pretty ambitious for a high school newspaper.
Randy: Yeah, well, I'm really excited about this one, I've been working on it for two weeks.
Jill: Great. You know, your commitment to quality comes from my side of the family.
Randy: What makes you say that?
Jill: Tool Time.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, I want to tell you a story about when I was 14.
Randy: Oh God, not the flute story again.
Jill: It's not the flute story, OK. Now, this is a story about my mother. She bought me my very first... tuba.
Randy: Oh, this is the flute story!
Jill: It's a good story.
Randy: I know, Mom, but I can't sit through it again.
Jill: You know how much I hate it when you guys fight.
Randy: Well, then you shouldn't be telling it to me, you should be telling your flute story to Mr. Hey Yo Yo.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Next, we'll show you how to take out a stud.
Tim: Just buy me a meal baby. We'll do the town together.
Heidi: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Randy

Brad: I'll think of the ideas on my own.
Randy: Good luck.
Brad: Randy, haven't you learned by now that luck has nothing to do with my success?
Randy: What success? You live with you parents and share a bathroom with Mark.
Mark: You live in the basement, with no windows, and a laundry chute.
Randy: Yeah. But it's mine. All mine.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, do you have those receipts we talked about?
Tim: Got them right here, all categorized and alphabetized. [empties the shoe box onto the table] Next time, I'm not letting the government off so easy. I'm gonna claim all seven dependents.
Jill: Seven?
Tim: Three boys, four cars.
Jill: You can't count the cars as dependents.
Tim: Why not? I buy them things, I feed them, I bathe them.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Mind if I put Brad's article up on the refrigerator?
Jill: No, I think that's so sweet that you're so proud of him.
Mark: Actually, I'm doing it to annoy Randy. See, the more they fight, the less they rag on me.
Brad: You guys know where Randy is? I need to talk to him.
Jill: Talking is good. That's a good idea.
Brad: Hey idiot. Why didn't you tell me Samantha called?
Randy: Oh, well I'd figured she'd call you back seeing as how you're popular and tall.
Mark: It doesn't get any better than this.
Brad & Randy: Shut up!

Quote from Tim

Jill: This auditor is in for a big surprise. After adding together all the receipts from three years ago, we overpayed our taxes. We're going to get a refund.
Tim: Hello, speedboat.
Jill: Uh, three dollars and seventeen cents.
Tim: Hello, sunblock.
Jill: Yeah.
You know, as long as we're in this tax mode, I think we should finish this year's taxes, and mail them in early.
Tim: Why would we want to do that?
Jill: Because, every year we wait until, what, five minutes before midnight on April 15th, and then you get in the car and drive 150 miles an hour, your heart pounding, your face drenched with sweat.
Tim: Please don't take that away from me.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right, well, what we're going to be doing today is we're going to take this wall out so we can increase the flow from the living room into the dining room area.
Tim: But before there's construction, there's destruction.
Al: And who would know more about that than you, Tim?
Tim: [grunts] I love destruction, yeah.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, I'm using a reciprocating saw on these two-by-fours, but it doesn't seem to be working too well.
Tim: I think the reason for that, Al, is because these boards are hard and brittle, and maybe some knots in them. That's why I'm going to use a 30 pound sledge.
Al: Actually, a 20 ounce hammer would do the same thing.
Tim: Where would the fun be in that? And I got kinda of a clever idea. In order to get a good, solid grip on this, I put some of that sticky stuff on my gloves. Same stuff the NFL players use to grab onto the ball. Got it from my buddies at the Lions. Thanks, guys.
Al: Well, that "sticky stuff" is against NFL rules.
Tim: [snickering] I mean, I got it from the Chicago Bears.
[As Tim swings the sledge hammer back and forth, it shoots out of his hands and smashes into the wall across the room by Al and Heidi, with Tim's gloves still stuck to it.]
Tim: Sorry. Hey. I know what I'll do next time. I'll put the sticky stuff on my hands, put the gloves on top, then put another coat. That way I'll get a firm grip. Always think safety. I'll do it right now.
Al: Well, speaking of safety, it's always a good idea to keep a safe environment by clean up as you go along.
Heidi: Tim, this is really heavy.
Tim: Come on, let me see it. Oh, wait, get your hands off of there. All right look at this. Use your own momentum, Heidi. Watch this. Swing it back, and right out the window. Look at this.
[As Tim swings the bucket out of the window, he goes flying along with it, down the trash chute]

Quote from Tim

Brad: Well, I talked to the editor of the school newspaper about writing some articles.
Jill: I didn't know you were interested in writing.
Randy: I didn't think you knew how to write.
Jill: Randy, instead of putting your brother down for trying to expand his horizons, you could maybe help him out.
Randy: All right. First you want to do is come up with an idea you're interested in writing about.
Tim: I got something you can write about. How big government bullies the little car guy, huh?!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hey, you and Randy are going to be the next Woodward and Bernstein.
Tim: Excuse me? [chuckles] I think Joanne Woodward married Paul Newman.
Brad: Is that the spaghetti sauce guy?
Tim: Not only does he make spaghetti sauce, but salad dressing and popcorn, and, the dude races cars.
Brad: Now that's a talented guy.

Quote from Randy

Jill: "Hey Yo. By Brad Taylor."
Tim: I like the title.
Jill: "A locker room survey shows that our varsity baseball team prefers boxers to briefs eight to one. The one wearing the tightie whities declined to comment."
Tim: That's probably because the elastic strap was cutting his breath off, you know.
Randy: This is pure fluff. "Hey, yo. Tennis team's Drew Levin is now dating his doubles partner Debbie Silverman."
Tim: Way to go, Drew.
Randy: Mom, they'll never put this in the paper.
Jill: Look, it's not a hard-hitting expose, but I bet the kids will find it fun and entertaining.
Randy: Mom, if every paper had reporting like this, we'd have a nation filled with idiots.
Tim: [chuckles] This is great.

Quote from Randy

Lauren: This weeks paper is out. You know, that was a really great article.
Randy: Thanks, there was more I wanted to say, but I didn't want to hog the front page.
Lauren: Um, technically, you're not on the front page.
Randy: Technically, where am I?
Lauren: You know, I don't think that's really important. What matters is that you got your message across.
Randy: Well, my message is on the page with next weeks lunch menu. I'm buried under Salisbury steak.
Lauren: Randy, it's not that big a deal.
Randy: It is to me. I mean, what could possibly be so important that it bumps me off the front page. "Hey yo, look who's got a remedy for jock itch?"

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's good to know they're both getting along real well at the paper.
Jill: Well, look. Hey Yo is on the front page.
Tim: Oh, great.
Jill: Randy's article is way back here by the... Look, they make Salisbury steak the same way I do. Oh man, Randy must just feel awful about this.
Tim: Why? Because his mom cooks like a cafeteria lady?

Quote from Tim

Jill: No, look, Brad stole the spotlight away from him. We're going to have to help them out with this one.
Tim: Honey, no. I grew up with four brothers. And the last thing these two need is their parents interfering.
Jill: Well, I know it's better to let them work this out on their own, but I'm their mommy, and they're being so mean to each other.
Tim: Their mommy?
Jill: Well. Do you think they'll work this out.
Tim: Yes, yes. My brothers and I fought all the time, we always worked through it ourselves. And after the cast came off and Jeff got used to his glass eye, we were the best of friends.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I just don't get it. Of all the people that they could have audited, why'd they have to pick us?
Tim: Seems pretty obvious they go after the major celebrities.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look, all brothers fight, OK. When I was a kid, I got in a terrible fight with Uncle Steve. I borrowed his 56 Chevy without permission.
Brad: Dad, what's your point?
Tim: I drove it into Corton Lake.
Brad: Oh man, I bet when Uncle Steve beat you up, it hurt.
Tim: He roughed me up a little bit. The point is, this fight put a big distance between us, it really hurt our relationship.
Brad: Well, Uncle Steve's a lot bigger than you. I mean he's got those huge arms.
Tim: What I'm trying to tell you is, this kind of fighting can hurt your relationship with your brother.
Brad: Well yeah, I bet Uncle Steve whooped your butt.
Tim: He didn't whoop my butt. As a matter of fact, if he were here right now, I'd whoop his butt. He's bigger and softer now. I'd grab Mr. Porkbelly by the flab and go... "Hey, man. Who's the kid now, huh?!"
Brad: Dad. Dad!
Tim: In a minute. "I tell you..."
Brad: Dad!
Tim: What?!

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode