Tim Quote #2153
Tim: I wanna talk about you and Angela.
Brad: Dad, there's nothing to talk about.
Tim: I want to talk about sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't want...
Tim: I want you to listen to me, please. Listen up. Sex is, um... It's like a car. The best idea is to keep the car in the garage for a long, long, long time. And then, somewhere in the future, the distant future, when that garage door opens... you gotta think, "car cover".
Quote from Tim
Brad: Some guys I hang out with think that by having sex it makes you a man.
Tim: I used to think that, too. But I think the truth is, you should be a man first and then think about sex.
Brad: So, what do you think? How many years away am l?
Tim: Well... there's no set number of years.
Brad: When will I know when I'm a man?
Tim: Your mom and I will tell you.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Brad, what were you doing with a girl in your bedroom?
Brad: Um... nothing.
Jill: When I walked in the door it didn't look like nothing.
Brad: Well, Mom, you wouldn't have seen anything if you had knocked.
Jill: Don't get smart with me. You know you are not allowed to have a girl in your room when we're not home!
Brad: Yeah, well, it's not going to a problem anymore. She'll probably never come back, thanks to you!
Jill: Oh, excuse me. You have a girl on your bed, I catch you and I'm the bad guy?
Brad: Mom, I didn't do anything wrong.
Jill: Really? Really? Well, what would have happened if I hadn't come home just then?
Brad: It's none of your business. I mean, you think I'm gonna talk to you about my sex life? [exits]
Jill: [whispering] Sex life?
Quote from Her Cheatin' Mind
Chris: So the only character you liked was the handyman?
Tim: No. I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband. [all laugh]
Chris: He was the quintessential dullard.
Tim: Well, dullard or mallard, I don't care. She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.
Quote from The Vasectomy One
Tim: I thought you were talking about the tube-tying thing.
Jill: Well, I am talking about tube-tying, except it's your tubes.
Tim: You can back up that clip ship right now.
Jill: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
Tim: Says who? The Wives with Knives Club?