Tim: Now, to show some of the advantage of soundproofing, the crew and I got here early and constructed a special room. Heidi, my room, please. Now, this room will not only protect you from the elements, keep you warm, but it's also totally soundproof.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Watch this, Al. Can't hear a word. It's so good. Watch. Talking like this. You walk in. Hi, everybody. It's just great to be here. My name's Tim "The Tool..." [silence] ...Aah! [audience applaud]
Al: That is truly amazing. We did not hear a sound.
Tim: No. That's how it was designed. You gotta try it. Let yourself go. It's great. Yeah.
Al: [in the booth] Tim, can you hear me? [Tim mouths] You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing. That's a stupid haircut you have. And another thing... [sings] I am a very model of a modern major general I've information vegetable, animal and mineral I know the kings of England I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Can you hear me?
Al: I can hear you. [audience laughing]
Tim: Think about that. Major General Borland!

Tim: If you're like me, you've spent time on the floor after an accident... waiting for the paramedics to arrive. It's times like these a lot of thoughts roll through your head. "I wonder if the bleeding will stop." "I had no idea electricity could lift me off the ground that high." Or, "From this angle, that smooth ceiling could use a little texture." And how would we do that, Al?
Al: Well, Tim, with Binford's 6100 acoustic spraying system.
Tim: That's right. With the 6100 system, even the most inexperienced, unskilled homeowner can do this simple job.
Al: And who better to demonstrate than you, Tim?

Tim: If we wanna solve this problem, there's only one thing to do - separate bedrooms.
Jill: We don't have any more bedrooms. And, no, no, no, no, no, no! You're not building any more.
Tim: Honey. Honey, we've talked about this before. Move Brad into Mark's room, and then Mark into Randy's room.
Jill: No. No. OK, Brad is older. He probably should have his own room. But we can't make a decision like that without discussing it with all the boys.
Tim: Why discuss it? The reason we became parents is so we could tell kids what to do. If we can't do that, we're just the tallest people living here.
Jill: You sound like my father.
Tim: All right.

Wilson: Well, Tim, what you're describing to me brings to mind the verruca vulgaris.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: Also known as the common wart.
Tim: You're calling my sons warts? Not that I mind... I don't mind...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no, Tim. What I'm trying to say is, most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin.
Tim: So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't gonna cure this problem, huh?
Wilson: No. No, Tim, the only way to get rid of a wart is to go beneath the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root.
Tim: I see. Thanks.
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Tim: Wilson?
Wilson: Mm-hmm?
Tim: This is bar none the most disgusting conversation we've ever had.

Jill: I'm sorry. I know that this is hard for you. I remember when my sister hit her teens. She was doing all this interesting stuff that I wished I was doing.
Randy: Well, like what?
Jill: Well, she got her own room. She started wearing makeup, shaving her legs. Can you imagine how I felt when she got to wear a bra and I was still wearing a dorky undershirt?
Randy: Yeah, I can. When do you think I'll get to wear a bra, Mom?
Jill: OK. OK, that's probably not the greatest example.

Tim: I made a big decision without asking her. I wanted to stop the boys from fighting, so I put them in separate bedrooms.
Wilson: Mm-mm-mm. Well, that's a tough decision to make unilaterally.
Tim: Yeah. Jill figured I should have made it double-laterally.
Wilson: She used that word?
Tim: No. No, she doesn't have a big vocabulary like you and me.

Randy: Wait a second! This is totally unfair. Why should Brad get his own room?
Tim: Because he's the oldest and because I say so, all right?
Brad: I have to go with Dad on this one.
Tim: Don't push it.
Randy: This is totally unfair.
Tim: Well, life is totally unfair. When I was your age, I wanted my own room, and I didn't get it. Come to think of it, I still don't have my own room.

Tim: For this job, Al and I suggest Binford's Acoustical Texture Spray.
Al: That's right. It comes in these ready-to-mix bags.
Tim: All you do is add water. Or, for a creamier texture, go with the buttermilk.
Al: Now, obviously you want to follow the instructions precisely, because too much water, and your mixture will not adhere to your ceiling. Tim, I've already mixed that.
Tim: Yeah... Just needs a bit more water, Al.
Al: I used a measuring cup.
Tim: We're not doing laundry, fella. I use a measuring system that never fails me - my eye.
Al: My eye!
Tim: Once you've mixed the compound, it's ready to load in the hopper. Give me a hand, Dennis. Perfecto. All right. When you get going, what you do is use short even strokes, keeping the gun about 2 feet from your ceiling. All right. [sprays] And you doubted me.
Al: I stand corrected. I would be proud to have a ceiling like this in my living room. [paint drops on Al's face]
Tim: Who let those pigeons in here?

Brad: [on the phone] No, Ashley, there's nothing going on between me and Melissa. I just gave her a taste of my Jell-O. It's not like we both chewed the same piece of gum. Ashley, come on. Hold on. Randy, I'm on the phone. Get out.
Randy: You get out. It's my room, too.
Brad: I was here first.
Randy: Look, I'm just getting my books.
Brad: [on the phone] I'm listening. I swear, there's nothing going on between me and Melissa.
Randy: [high-pitched] Oh, Brad, get off the phone and kiss me. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Brad: No, that's not Melissa. It's my stupid brother. Listen, Ashley, there's nothing going on between us. Uh-huh.
Randy: Hold me, my... hunka hunka burning love.
Brad: Ashley, I'll see you at school. All right. Bye. [hangs up] You're a hunka dead meat!

Jill: Well, this is what we're leaving the world.
Tim: Face it, honey. You raised two very obnoxious little boys.
Jill: What is going on with them? They've really been going at it these last couple of weeks.
Tim: You're right. Black eye, bloody nose, stitches, loose tooth.
Jill: Well, we gotta do something before they kill each other.
Tim: Tonight, after they're asleep, you and me, Puerto Rico.
Jill: Tim, this is serious. We've got to find out what's wrong with them.
Tim: All right.
Jill: Then we go to Puerto Rico.