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‘Room for Change’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Room for Change

317. Room for Change

Aired March 2, 1994

Tim unilaterally decides to move Randy out of Brad's room when the pair won't stop fighting.

Quote from Al

Tim: Now, to show some of the advantage of soundproofing, the crew and I got here early and constructed a special room. Heidi, my room, please. Now, this room will not only protect you from the elements, keep you warm, but it's also totally soundproof.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Watch this, Al. Can't hear a word. It's so good. Watch. Talking like this. You walk in. Hi, everybody. It's just great to be here. My name's Tim "The Tool..." [silence] ...Aah! [audience applaud]
Al: That is truly amazing. We did not hear a sound.
Tim: No. That's how it was designed. You gotta try it. Let yourself go. It's great. Yeah.
Al: [in the booth] Tim, can you hear me? [Tim mouths] You can't hear me? In that case, I should be the host of this show. And another thing. That's a stupid haircut you have. And another thing... [sings] I am a very model of a modern major general I've information vegetable, animal and mineral I know the kings of England I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Al.
Al: Yes?
Tim: Can you hear me?
Al: I can hear you. [audience laughing]
Tim: Think about that. Major General Borland!

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Quote from Tim

Tim: If you're like me, you've spent time on the floor after an accident... waiting for the paramedics to arrive. It's times like these a lot of thoughts roll through your head. "I wonder if the bleeding will stop." "I had no idea electricity could lift me off the ground that high." Or, "From this angle, that smooth ceiling could use a little texture." And how would we do that, Al?
Al: Well, Tim, with Binford's 6100 acoustic spraying system.
Tim: That's right. With the 6100 system, even the most inexperienced, unskilled homeowner can do this simple job.
Al: And who better to demonstrate than you, Tim?

Quote from Tim

Tim: If we wanna solve this problem, there's only one thing to do - separate bedrooms.
Jill: We don't have any more bedrooms. And, no, no, no, no, no, no! You're not building any more.
Tim: Honey. Honey, we've talked about this before. Move Brad into Mark's room, and then Mark into Randy's room.
Jill: No. No. OK, Brad is older. He probably should have his own room. But we can't make a decision like that without discussing it with all the boys.
Tim: Why discuss it? The reason we became parents is so we could tell kids what to do. If we can't do that, we're just the tallest people living here.
Jill: You sound like my father.
Tim: All right.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, what you're describing to me brings to mind the verruca vulgaris.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: Also known as the common wart.
Tim: You're calling my sons warts? Not that I mind... I don't mind...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no, Tim. What I'm trying to say is, most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin.
Tim: So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't gonna cure this problem, huh?
Wilson: No. No, Tim, the only way to get rid of a wart is to go beneath the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root.
Tim: I see. Thanks.
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Tim: Wilson?
Wilson: Mm-hmm?
Tim: This is bar none the most disgusting conversation we've ever had.

Quote from Randy

Jill: I'm sorry. I know that this is hard for you. I remember when my sister hit her teens. She was doing all this interesting stuff that I wished I was doing.
Randy: Well, like what?
Jill: Well, she got her own room. She started wearing makeup, shaving her legs. Can you imagine how I felt when she got to wear a bra and I was still wearing a dorky undershirt?
Randy: Yeah, I can. When do you think I'll get to wear a bra, Mom?
Jill: OK. OK, that's probably not the greatest example.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I made a big decision without asking her. I wanted to stop the boys from fighting, so I put them in separate bedrooms.
Wilson: Mm-mm-mm. Well, that's a tough decision to make unilaterally.
Tim: Yeah. Jill figured I should have made it double-laterally.
Wilson: She used that word?
Tim: No. No, she doesn't have a big vocabulary like you and me.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Wait a second! This is totally unfair. Why should Brad get his own room?
Tim: Because he's the oldest and because I say so, all right?
Brad: I have to go with Dad on this one.
Tim: Don't push it.
Randy: This is totally unfair.
Tim: Well, life is totally unfair. When I was your age, I wanted my own room, and I didn't get it. Come to think of it, I still don't have my own room.

Quote from Tim

Tim: For this job, Al and I suggest Binford's Acoustical Texture Spray.
Al: That's right. It comes in these ready-to-mix bags.
Tim: All you do is add water. Or, for a creamier texture, go with the buttermilk.
Al: Now, obviously you want to follow the instructions precisely, because too much water, and your mixture will not adhere to your ceiling. Tim, I've already mixed that.
Tim: Yeah... Just needs a bit more water, Al.
Al: I used a measuring cup.
Tim: We're not doing laundry, fella. I use a measuring system that never fails me - my eye.
Al: My eye!
Tim: Once you've mixed the compound, it's ready to load in the hopper. Give me a hand, Dennis. Perfecto. All right. When you get going, what you do is use short even strokes, keeping the gun about 2 feet from your ceiling. All right. [sprays] And you doubted me.
Al: I stand corrected. I would be proud to have a ceiling like this in my living room. [paint drops on Al's face]
Tim: Who let those pigeons in here?

Quote from Randy

Brad: [on the phone] No, Ashley, there's nothing going on between me and Melissa. I just gave her a taste of my Jell-O. It's not like we both chewed the same piece of gum. Ashley, come on. Hold on. Randy, I'm on the phone. Get out.
Randy: You get out. It's my room, too.
Brad: I was here first.
Randy: Look, I'm just getting my books.
Brad: [on the phone] I'm listening. I swear, there's nothing going on between me and Melissa.
Randy: [high-pitched] Oh, Brad, get off the phone and kiss me. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Brad: No, that's not Melissa. It's my stupid brother. Listen, Ashley, there's nothing going on between us. Uh-huh.
Randy: Hold me, my... hunka hunka burning love.
Brad: Ashley, I'll see you at school. All right. Bye. [hangs up] You're a hunka dead meat!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, this is what we're leaving the world.
Tim: Face it, honey. You raised two very obnoxious little boys.
Jill: What is going on with them? They've really been going at it these last couple of weeks.
Tim: You're right. Black eye, bloody nose, stitches, loose tooth.
Jill: Well, we gotta do something before they kill each other.
Tim: Tonight, after they're asleep, you and me, Puerto Rico.
Jill: Tim, this is serious. We've got to find out what's wrong with them.
Tim: All right.
Jill: Then we go to Puerto Rico.

Quote from Al

Tim: Today, we're gonna show you how to soundproof as well as insulate the walls. Now, there's a variety of products you can use, of course. Acoustic padding, fiberglass batting, or very unattractive flannel. [points to Al's shirt]
Al: The easiest way to install your insulation is during construction, before you've put up your dry wall.
Tim: However, if the dry wall's already been installed in your home, we suggest the foam injection method. Heidi, the foam injector, please.
Al: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Tim: For this method, you're gonna have to drill some holes.
Al: But first you wanna find a stud. [Tim dances] I said "stud," not "dud."

Quote from Randy

Tim: Guys, you gotta figure out a way to work this out by yourselves, all right?
Brad: Randy shouldn't even have a room. He should be at the bottom of Lake Erie with the other shrimp.
Tim: Brad!
Randy: Yeah, and you'd fit right in on Mars, where there's no sign of intelligent life.
Tim: First of all... they've never confirmed that. And second of all, I want you guys to shake hands and make up. Big brother, help little brother out.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Hi, Mom.
Jill: Hi, honey. What are you doing with that box?
Mark: Dad's making me move.
Jill: What?
Mark: To Randy's room. Now I get to beat up on Brad.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim!
Tim: Was that you, honey? I could hardly hear you. They had a whole bunch of chamois on sale.
Jill: How could you?
Tim: You said always look for bargains.
Jill: I mean about switching the boys' rooms.
Tim: Oh. I tried it your way. It didn't work.
Jill: My way was that we told them. Was I not clear?
Tim: We, we, we. It can be taken so many ways. To you, it meant "us." To the French, it means "yes." To this little piggy, it meant, "I'm going all the way home."

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honey, I don't need endless discussions to make a decision. Men assess a situation, boom - done.
Jill: Are you saying that men are more decisive than women?
Tim: Oh, it's a fact. [Jill scoffs] Come on. We don't shop for three hours for shoes and handbags. The first pair of shoes I see that fit, I buy 'em.
Jill: Even if they're sling-back heels?
Tim: If they fit.
Jill: You see? Just because men make hasty decisions doesn't mean that they're the right ones.
Tim: Men aren't yammerers.
Jill: Is that what you think? You think that I yammer?
Tim: Jill, you're a yammer-er.
Jill: Well, you're a yack-ass!

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