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‘Groin Pains’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Groin Pains

204. Groin Pains

Aired October 7, 1992

Tim doesn't want Jill to find out that he injured himself carrying a heavy trunk to impress her.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?
Tim: I don't think I... I don't think I'm ever gonna go to the bathroom again. Oh!
Mark: What happened?
Tim: I pulled my groin.
Mark: What's that?
Tim: My very favorite muscle.

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Quote from Al

Tim: What happened is I pulled a groin muscle yesterday at home. I went to the doc's this morning. He said I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy. So we have to change the format of the show a little bit today. You're gonna have to do all the work.
Al: And what would the change be, Tim?

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, Wilson, I'm confused. You know, I'm carrying this trunk of books and I find out she likes these books about all these guys with rippling muscles, you know, so I wanted to, you know, show her my rippling muscles and these guys end up carrying women off upstairs to ecstasy and I pull a groin muscle.
Wilson: Well, Tim, Tim, Tim, I think you've got something over these young guys.
Tim: You do?
Wilson: Uh-huh. Yes, it's best summed up in an ancient Chinese proverb. It goes: [speaks Chinese]
Tim: W-w-wait, wait... Is that Peking dialect?
Wilson: I am so sorry, Tim. It may lose a bit in the translation, but it goes: "A great lover is not one who romances a different woman every night. A great lover is one who romances the same woman for a lifetime."
Tim: That's something to think about, isn't it? Is there anything you don't know, Wilson?
Wilson: I don't know.

Quote from Tim

Mark: I'll get Mom.
Tim: No, no, no, no. Don't tell your mother. Don't tell your mother.
Mark: Why not? Whenever I get hurt she makes me feel better.
Tim: Well, that's regular pain, this is man pain.
Mark: How do you know if you have regular pain or man pain?
Tim: If you do something stupid it's probably man pain.
Mark: But if you don't tell Mom, isn't that lying?
Tim: Not if you don't say the words. If you said the words it'd be lying.
Mark: What if she asks me?
Tim: Lie!

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, honey, I just... I feel so bad. You know, I just... I never realized that I weigh so much more than that trunk.
Tim: Honey, that trunk didn't give birth to three kids.
Jill: That's right.
Tim: You know, I think maybe you hurt me worse than I thought. Probably be a good idea if I just sat on the couch all week and watched football. I'd feel better I think.
Jill: Well, that's a good idea. Oh, and you know what else? I could... I could get you a little bell... and you could ring it whenever you need me.
Tim: That's silly. If I need you I'll just yell.
Jill: Oh. Good idea. Here's your ice. [empties the ice bag into Tim's pants] Well, pookums. Did I hurt your man pain?
Tim: Mark, you squealer!
Mark: [o.s.] She tricked me!

Quote from Al

Al: Well, since we'll only be mixing up a small amount, all we'll need is a wheelbarrow, water, sand and cement.
Tim: Sounds like that recipe for the cookies you brought in yesterday.
Al: My mother made those, Tim.
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. Hope she's dating a dentist.
Al: Here you go, Tim! [throws the bag of cement to Tim]
Tim: No! I don't want... [falls down] We'll be right back after these messages from B-Binfor...

Quote from Tim

Tim: Today we get to mess with a Binford 60-pound upright electric jackhammer. You know, Al, they say that breaking up is hard to do. Evidently, Neil Sedaka never played with one of these bad boys. This can make some real noise. 130 pulsating decibels of jackhammer. Ar-ar-ar-ar-oh-oh-ar-ar-ar.
Al: You're right, Tim. That's why we'll be protecting our hearing with these soft, foam-filled, plastic-cushioned earmuffs.
Tim: That's right, Al, and as any ZZ Top fan knows, hearing loss begins at 85 decibels. At 100 decibels you have your ordinary 10-inch table saw. At 120 decibels you have your 12-inch radial arm saw. And very dangerous, at 180 decibels, you have your unbelievable 68-inch mother-in-law. Just kidding, Nana.

Quote from Tim

Tim: "Desires Passion in the Wind."
Jill: It's nothing. I just bought it in the grocery store line.
Tim: And these?
Jill: No...
Tim: "Desires Real Passion." "The Sweet Kiss of Desire." "Desire and the Leprechaun."
Jill: Cut it out.
Tim: You know, I didn't know you liked books like this.
Jill: I know it sounds silly, but, you know, they're actually very well-written.
Tim: Really? [clears throat] "Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the stairs to a night of eternal ecstasy." Oh, please.
Jill: OK, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.
Tim: Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, Al. Can you come here? I need some help.
Al: I don't believe that's part of my job description, Tim.
Tim: Just stand there and block my view and tell me if anybody's coming, OK? Mm-hm. Butterfly's loose. Do you ever feel like your whole groin is on fire?
Al: Every night, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al, what are we up to today?
Al: Well, Tim, today we're gonna be showing you how to patch up your sidewalk or driveway. And to do that we're gonna need to mix up some concrete.
Tim: That's right, concrete. Cement, sand, gravel and water. A man's Play-Doh. Ha-ha. The best place to get concrete, of course, is a cement truck. But, of course, none of us have a cement truck. But we'd all like one, wouldn't we? Who wouldn't want 65,000 pounds out of a hydraulic diesel-powered truck, oh yeah. Ten-yarder, 15 chutes spitting water and gravel, churn... [grunts] Ow. But quite frankly, who needs 65,000 pounds of cement? Nobody. Not unless you have your mother-in-law visiting and you want to make her some Loafers. [laughs] Just kidding, Nana. Speaking of loafers, Al, why don't we mix up that concrete?

Quote from Brad

Randy: Yeah, this is my costume. I look like an elf.
Tim: No, elves have those pointed shoes.
Randy: Yeah, like these?
Tim: Exactly like those.
Brad: Yeah. They even match his sissy green tights.
Tim: Cut it out. They're not sissy. All your superheroes wear tights. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man.
Brad: Wonder Woman.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You gotta wear tights if you fly, it's an FAA regulation. It's aerodynamic or something.
Randy: Yeah, but I'm not gonna fly.
Tim: What do you mean, you're not gonna fly? You gotta fly. You're the Pan man, man.
Randy: Yeah, well, Mrs. Mellor says I'm supposed to, like, prance.
Tim: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. No, no, no! No, stop doing... Don't do that! No! Men don't prance. We walk, we run, we s...
skip if no one's looking, we jump, that sort of stuff. But we don't ever, ever, prance.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Yeah, but I can't fly. The school doesn't have the equipment.
Tim: They don't?
Randy: No, and nobody knows how to build it.
Tim: Nobody knows how to build it? [grunts]
Randy: Wait. Dad. Dad, no. Dad, cut it out. No. Dad.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You wanna fly? I'm the guy who can fly you. A double-ratchet pulley system. Counterweight or something. I can get you flying at 90mph around that school.
Randy: Well, yeah. I'd rather prance. No one ever died in a prancing accident.
Tim: You know, as I see it, fella, you got two choices. One, you're soaring 30 feet in the air. Swooping, diving, twisting, turning over the audience, they're looking up going: "What's he flying for? What's he... What's he gonna do to us?" Or... prance around in that dorky little green outfit... wearing elf shows.
Randy: Fly me.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Mark, have you seen the ice pack?
Mark: It's in the garage. I'll get it.
Jill: What is it doing in the garage?
Mark: Brad made a parachute for Mrs. Thomson's cat.
Jill: What?
Mark: It didn't work.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Why do you need an ice pack?
Jill: Well, Daddy hurt himself.
Mark: You mean he told you about his man pain?
Jill: His man pain? What man pain would that be?
Mark: It's pain I'm not supposed to tell you about.
Jill: Oh, I already know about that.
Mark: You know he hurt his favorite muscle?
Jill: Sure. I just don't know how he did it, you know. How did he do that?
Mark: Carrying the trunk.
Jill: Oh, right. Carrying the trunk.
Mark: Is Daddy going to be OK?
Jill: Oh, yeah. Daddy's gonna be fine. Mommy's gonna take good care of Daddy.

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