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Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey

‘Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey’

Season 7, Episode 24 -  Aired May 12, 1998

Tim has the opportunity to become an astronaut when Binford provides a tool for the space shuttle.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: So you're torn between embarking on the most exciting voyage of your life or staying home and taking care of someone you love.
Tim: That's the question.
Wilson: Well, you might heed the words of Thornton Wilder.
Tim: What did he say?
Wilson: Thornton Wilder said, "When one is at home, he dreams of adventure. And when one is on an adventure, he dreams of home."
Tim: That doesn't answer any questions.
Wilson: No, but it does restate it in a very interesting way. I'm sorry, Tim.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't believe it. It's so amazing. You are gonna be an astronaut.
Brad: Yeah, it's gonna be great, blasting off into space.
Randy: Cruising at 17,000 miles an hour.
Tim: All the while fighting the gravitational pull of Al's mom.

Quote from Al

Al: [viewing Rorschach tests] Well, that reminds me of Mother. Mother. Mother. A beautiful summer's day ruined by Mother.

Quote from Al

Fred: Next we're gonna send you up in a plane to see how you respond in a zero-gravity environment. [Al raises his hand] Yes?
Al: So this means that I will be weightless?
Tim: They're astronauts, not magicians, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am, and shall always be, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know the other guy.
Al: Thank you. Well, all week long we have been showing you prototypes of new and exciting tools.
Tim: Now, it's big news time. Heidi, our big news desk, please.
Heidi: You got it.
Tim: We're gonna start talking about a Binford tool that's out of this world. And to help us out with that, our two next guests have actually been out of this world. Let's welcome NASA astronauts Ken Bowersox and Steve Hawley. Welcome to the show, guys.
Al: Actually, we are welcoming back Commander Bowersox. This is Ken's third appearance.
Tim: Third appearance on a low-rated cable show. You astronauts must have a lot of free time, Ken, huh?
Ken Bowersox: No, actually we don't, but the folks at NASA send us here 'cause they love watching me make fun of you. [Al snorts]
Tim: Well, you know, they don't have much to do except organize their pocket protectors and swill Tang.

Quote from Tim

Al: Having our wrench chosen is a great honor for Binford.
Tim: But a prototype like that is very expensive, right?
Ken Bowersox: Actually, NASA isn't paying for it. Binford is.
Tim: [whistles] Ho ho ho ho ho. Get a prototype from Binford and you don't pay for it? Sounds like a scam to me.
Ken Bowersox: Well, there's one more thing you need to know, Tim. As part of the deal, one Binford employee gets to fly along on the mission to operate the wrench.
Tim: Well, I'm a Binford employee.
Ken Bowersox: Yeah, who thinks the entire space program's a scam.
Tim: I said SPAM. It's a good luncheon meat. Pork shoulder. You can take it right up there with you...

Quote from Al

Al: Well, I, as opposed to Tim, have always thought highly of NASA. And, may I say, I am very pleased that the next mission will be the first ever commanded by a woman. Commander Eileen Collins, if you're watching, Al thinks it's about time.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I think it's about time Al sat down and removed his lips from NASA's butt.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Still working on those pictures, huh?
Jill: Oh, yeah.
Tim: How would you feel if I told you I needed a little space?
Jill: I don't know. Depends on what you mean by a little space.
Tim: I mean all of space. I know this sounds crazy, but I might have a chance to go up on the space shuttle.
Jill: How soon can you leave?

Quote from Jill

Jill: But what about the kids? Brad, he's gotta be visiting colleges. Randy's gonna be the editor of the school newspaper. And God knows what's gonna be going on with Mark for that entire six months. I mean... On the other hand, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so it's not like you can pass it up.
Tim: So, let's recap. Am I staying or going?
Jill: Well, you gotta go.
Tim: Yes!
Jill: I mean, it's a great adventure.
Tim: Yes!
Jill: I'm just gonna be the one stuck with trying to make it all work here.
Tim: Has anyone ever said you're the most beautiful, understanding woman?
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who just snuck out of here before you got home.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [inner monologue] I enjoy: A) Taking a walk in a meadow. B) Reading a good book by the fire. Or C) Going on a rampage with industrial farm equipment. [grunts outloud] A.

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