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‘Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey

724. Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey

Aired May 12, 1998

Tim has the opportunity to become an astronaut when Binford provides a tool for the space shuttle.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: So you're torn between embarking on the most exciting voyage of your life or staying home and taking care of someone you love.
Tim: That's the question.
Wilson: Well, you might heed the words of Thornton Wilder.
Tim: What did he say?
Wilson: Thornton Wilder said, "When one is at home, he dreams of adventure. And when one is on an adventure, he dreams of home."
Tim: That doesn't answer any questions.
Wilson: No, but it does restate it in a very interesting way. I'm sorry, Tim.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't believe it. It's so amazing. You are gonna be an astronaut.
Brad: Yeah, it's gonna be great, blasting off into space.
Randy: Cruising at 17,000 miles an hour.
Tim: All the while fighting the gravitational pull of Al's mom.

Quote from Al

Al: [viewing Rorschach tests] Well, that reminds me of Mother. Mother. Mother. A beautiful summer's day ruined by Mother.

Quote from Al

Fred: Next we're gonna send you up in a plane to see how you respond in a zero-gravity environment. [Al raises his hand] Yes?
Al: So this means that I will be weightless?
Tim: They're astronauts, not magicians, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am, and shall always be, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know the other guy.
Al: Thank you. Well, all week long we have been showing you prototypes of new and exciting tools.
Tim: Now, it's big news time. Heidi, our big news desk, please.
Heidi: You got it.
Tim: We're gonna start talking about a Binford tool that's out of this world. And to help us out with that, our two next guests have actually been out of this world. Let's welcome NASA astronauts Ken Bowersox and Steve Hawley. Welcome to the show, guys.
Al: Actually, we are welcoming back Commander Bowersox. This is Ken's third appearance.
Tim: Third appearance on a low-rated cable show. You astronauts must have a lot of free time, Ken, huh?
Ken Bowersox: No, actually we don't, but the folks at NASA send us here 'cause they love watching me make fun of you. [Al snorts]
Tim: Well, you know, they don't have much to do except organize their pocket protectors and swill Tang.

Quote from Tim

Al: Having our wrench chosen is a great honor for Binford.
Tim: But a prototype like that is very expensive, right?
Ken Bowersox: Actually, NASA isn't paying for it. Binford is.
Tim: [whistles] Ho ho ho ho ho. Get a prototype from Binford and you don't pay for it? Sounds like a scam to me.
Ken Bowersox: Well, there's one more thing you need to know, Tim. As part of the deal, one Binford employee gets to fly along on the mission to operate the wrench.
Tim: Well, I'm a Binford employee.
Ken Bowersox: Yeah, who thinks the entire space program's a scam.
Tim: I said SPAM. It's a good luncheon meat. Pork shoulder. You can take it right up there with you...

Quote from Al

Al: Well, I, as opposed to Tim, have always thought highly of NASA. And, may I say, I am very pleased that the next mission will be the first ever commanded by a woman. Commander Eileen Collins, if you're watching, Al thinks it's about time.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I think it's about time Al sat down and removed his lips from NASA's butt.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Still working on those pictures, huh?
Jill: Oh, yeah.
Tim: How would you feel if I told you I needed a little space?
Jill: I don't know. Depends on what you mean by a little space.
Tim: I mean all of space. I know this sounds crazy, but I might have a chance to go up on the space shuttle.
Jill: How soon can you leave?

Quote from Jill

Jill: But what about the kids? Brad, he's gotta be visiting colleges. Randy's gonna be the editor of the school newspaper. And God knows what's gonna be going on with Mark for that entire six months. I mean... On the other hand, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so it's not like you can pass it up.
Tim: So, let's recap. Am I staying or going?
Jill: Well, you gotta go.
Tim: Yes!
Jill: I mean, it's a great adventure.
Tim: Yes!
Jill: I'm just gonna be the one stuck with trying to make it all work here.
Tim: Has anyone ever said you're the most beautiful, understanding woman?
Jill: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy who just snuck out of here before you got home.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [inner monologue] I enjoy: A) Taking a walk in a meadow. B) Reading a good book by the fire. Or C) Going on a rampage with industrial farm equipment. [grunts outloud] A.

Quote from Randy

Brad: What time's Dad supposed to be back?
Jill: Well, he's supposed to leave Houston around midnight. I wonder how he did.
Brad: Well, you don't actually think he got chosen, do you?
Randy: Are you kidding me? There's psychological tests involved.

Quote from Randy

Jill: When is the training gonna start?
Tim: Next week.
Jill: Oh, my God. I've gotta get organized. I'm gonna have to make some schedules.
Tim: That's right. While I'm gone, you're the men around the house, OK? You'll have to do what I normally do around here.
Randy: Electrocute ourselves and irritate Mom?
Tim: Those are big shoes to fill.
Brad: We're up to the challenge. [burps]

Quote from Tim

Tim: I know this is hard to talk about. But if I go into space, it'll be a long time before we can talk.
Mark: I'm fine with that.
Tim: Well, I'm not fine with that. I'm your dad, you know. I wanna know what's wrong. Come on, talk to me.
Mark: Nothing's going on.
Tim: Sure there is. I mean, what, every time a girl breaks up with you, you gonna shave something? You'll quickly run out of options, I'll tell you.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: What are you doing, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm painting my dragon head for the Moomba Festival.
Tim: Aw, jeez. Is it Moomba time already?
Wilson: Oh, Tim. You know, it's an Australian celebration. I am so excited about it. Probably not as excited as you are about your imminent space voyage.
Tim: Yeah, but there's a lot of things around this house that aren't so exciting.
Wilson: Really? What happened?
Tim: Oh, Mark's in a real funk over a girl.
Wilson: Well, Tim, he is entering adolescence. And if I remember mine correctly, rejection comes with the territory.
Tim: But you didn't shave your head.
Wilson: Actually, I did. But I was living in Tibet and I wanted to be like the cool kids.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, thanks, buddy. Enjoy your Dumbo Festival.
Wilson: It's a Moomba Festival.
Tim: Moomba, Dumbo. As long as an elephant flies, it's probably a lot of fun, huh?

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, Tim, you're sure that you're OK about not going into space?
Tim: [o.s.] Absolutely. What's a historic space flight compared with hanging out with your hairless offspring?
Jill: You have no regrets?
Tim: [o.s.] No. You know, why do you keep harping on this?
Jill: I don't know. I just keep picking up these little signals.
Tim: [wearing his NASA uniform] I don't know what you're talking about. I'm gonna need some more Tang, instantly.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I've been looking for this box everywhere. I'm so glad you thought of looking in the attic.
Tim: Me, too, 'cause I've been looking for this everywhere.
Jill: Now I can finally organize the family photos. Isn't that great? Take off the hat, Tim.
Tim: Sorry.
Jill: And the wig.
Tim: I think the wig is working with the outfit.
Jill: I don't think so, no.

Quote from Tim

Tim: This is not a good idea. With all your work and the kids, you're gonna drive yourself crazy trying to do this.
Jill: Well, you know, school is winding down. I'm just gonna have to make time. You know, I've been feeling really bad about neglecting the family and the family stuff. I mean, this is a legacy that I can hand down to the boys.
Tim: I think the legacy they'd prefer is cold hard cash.
Jill: Oh, God. There's a thousand pictures. I don't know where to start.
Tim: I got an idea. Why don't we put all this back in the box, seal it up, and put it in a place you can't remember?
Jill: I wanna do this. These are family heirlooms.
Tim: An heirloom is a gold watch, not Randy eating out of a garbage can.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What is this old picture?
Tim: That's when I graduated driver's ed. I was the valedictorian.
Jill: Oh, look at this picture of the kids. This is what? The summer of 1991. Aren't they cute?
Randy: [enters] Hey.
Mark: [enters] Hey.
[Brad salutes his parents as he walks in without saying a word]
Tim: Hang onto this.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, guys, why don't you tell our audience the real reason you're here?
Steve Hawley: I wanted to meet Heidi.
Tim: Steve?
Ken Bowersox: We're here because a Binford tool's been chosen to fly in the space shuttle.
Al: That's right. Many major corporations were vying for this privilege, but Binford won.
Tim: Steve, why don't you tell us something about the Binford tool?
Steve Hawley: It's the Binford 2001 computerized wrench. You can pre-program the amount of torque, turn and speed.
Ken Bowersox: And it stores all the data right here in the computer.
Tim: I believe I was talking to Steve, Ken.

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