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‘Dead Weight’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Dead Weight

824. Dead Weight

Aired May 18, 1999

After Al decides to propose to Trudy, he takes his mother out for dinner to break the news. Meanwhile, Tim is unhappy when Bud hires a new manager to oversee Tool Time.

Quote from Al

Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Al: Down?
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.

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Quote from Al

Al: My mother was a great woman. She was my friend, my supporter, my teacher. And Tim's right. She said that there's nothing greater than sharing your love with someone else. And, well, there was something I was going to do the other night. And I don't think there's any reason for putting it off. Trudy, will you marry me? [off her reaction] Perhaps I've put you on the spot?
Trudy: Of course I'll marry you, Al. [applause]
Wilson: Al and Trudy, this is indeed a joyous occasion. Now, let us proceed to the grave site. Will the following pallbearers please take their places? Al, Cal, Tim, Brad, Mark, Marty, Benny, Patrick, Colin, Francis, Chris, William, Brian, Jake, Carson, Ted, Alonzo...

Quote from Al

Al: I'm taking Mother out to dinner to break the news to her first.
Jill: Oh! Well, that's a way to go.
Tim: And let me guess where you're taking her. Sven's All-You-Can-Eat Smorgasbord.
Al: No. As luck would have it... You know, they went bankrupt shortly after our last visit?
Tim: You know, I do remember seeing a white flag in their window, yeah.

Quote from Al

Jill: Look, let's be honest. Your mother was not in the best physical condition. The doctor said that she was a prime candidate for a heart attack.
Al: And I pushed her over the edge.
Jill: No.
Tim: You're being way too hard on yourself, Al. This is not your fault. And think of it this way. Your mom went the way she would want to go. She was dining in a fine restaurant.
Al: Surrounded by her favorite side dishes.
Jill: And now she's at that big buffet in the sky.
Al: I just can't believe she's gone. No more do-si-doing at the seniors' center. No more harmonizing with Don Ho.

Quote from Heidi

Tim: Thanks for filling in for Al, Heidi.
Heidi: Oh, sure. Anything to help. But, you know, I'm a little nervous. You and Al work so well off each other.
Tim: Oh, come on. You're gonna do just fine. Hey, tell you what. Do you have any quirks or physical abnormalities I can make fun of?
Heidi: Uh... Yeah. I twitch when I get nervous.
Tim: Your eye or something?
Heidi: Not exactly. [Heidi's breasts twitch]
Tim: I don't know if I can work with that.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, my God! It looks like somebody hand-polished a barn. [off Tim and Mark's looks] Well, that's an example of something that you shouldn't say.
Mark: I'm glad you cleared that up.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Would anyone else like to say a few words to honor Alma?
Tim: I'd like to say something. Uh... This is hard for me because as most of you know, I've spent a lot of years making fun of Alma on Tool Time. But what you probably don't know is that she was... And there's no delicate way to say this, but she was a huge fan. She had a great sense of humor and a great spirit about her. Everywhere Alma went, she left a big impression. That was her favorite joke. I owe a lot to that woman. Without her, I would never have had the privilege of knowing my good friend Al. And I know, Al, that your mom would want you to share the love that she gave you with someone you love. [Al hugs Tim] I didn't mean me.

Quote from Tim

Bud: See, Morgan feels all your show needs is explosion consistency.
Tim: What?
Bud: He wants you to blow up more stuff.
Morgan: Right. Whether it's an accident or not.
Tim: No, no. No. I'm not gonna stage explosions on Tool Time. I'm proud of the fact all the accidents on this show are a result of my legitimately stupid mistakes.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Horrible day today.
Jill: Really? What happened?
Tim: Get this. Bud's handed Tool Time over to some hotshot young producer who wants me to stage explosions. He wants more danger on Tool Time.
Jill: More danger? You already have higher insurance rates than the Knievel family.

Quote from Brad

Mark: What are you working on?
Jill: Oh, it's just an application for a counseling job in Dearborn. I might go for the PhD, though. But I want to keep my options open.
Brad: Yeah, that's a good idea. I mean, the last thing you want to do is narrow yourself down in your golden years.
Jill: I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
Brad: And yet very soon you won't have to pretend.

Quote from Al

Tim: Hey, I got it. After you tell your mom, let me know. We'll come over and get a little bottle of champagne and we'll celebrate with you.
Al: Oh, that would be great. I could use the support. I'm very nervous about how she's going to react.
Jill: Oh, don't worry. It's gonna be fine.
Al: [sighs] I hope so. I can't believe I'm gonna pop the question!
Tim: Ah, it's a big day in a man's life. It really is.
Al: It sure is.
Tim: Yeah.
Al: Do you remember when you asked your mother for permission to get married?

Quote from Tim

Jill: And if you need any help with the arrangements, we'll be glad to pitch in.
Al: Oh, thank you. Gosh, there are so many details! I have to notify the rest of the family. I have to find a minister. Oh, gosh! I have to buy Mother a burial plot.
Tim: That could get pricey.

Quote from Jill

Al: Oh, thank you, guys, for coming. You remember my brother Cal.
Tim: Cal, sorry about your mom.
Cal: Thank you.
Jill: Hi, Cal. How are you?
Cal: I'm trying to be strong.
Jill: Well, you don't have to be. I mean, a funeral is for grieving.
Cal: You're right. [sobs] I wish I was in the casket with her.
Tim: You're a therapist, right?

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I'm glad Al got you to officiate.
Wilson: Well, it's my honor to do it, neighbor. Of course I haven't done a funeral since my last ceremony in Pago Pago. Tim, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a few adjustments on this service. Substitute "Heavenly Father" for "Lizard King."

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Hello. And a big Binford welcome back to Binford's Tool Time.
Tim: You may have noticed a little change in the set here. Well, Binford has to put its name on practically everything.
[As Heidi walks away, the Binford logo is printed on the back of her shorts]

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, today we're going to show you how the experts work with the world's hardest stone, a diamond.
Tim: That's right. In case you just joined us, all the way from South Africa, we have a guest, expert diamond-cutter... Dirk Brodsky. Dirk comes from a long line of diamond-cutters.
Dirk: Oh, yeah. That's right. In fact, I've brought some diamonds cut by my great-grandfather.
Tim: We're looking forward to seeing your family jewels.
Dirk: Humor is such a tricky thing, isn't it?
Al: All right, well, why don't we show you how diamonds are honed using these machines?
Tim: All right. We'll start off with this little saw. What is this for?
Dirk: This is a rotary diamond saw. We cut away the unusable part of our rough diamond and it gives us perfect cleavage.
Tim: And we all know how important perfect cleavage is.
Dirk: Very tricky.

Quote from Tim

Dirk: Over here, this is the brooding machine.
Al: Brooding. Does it come with a self-pity attachment? [chuckles]
Dirk: No. Now, with this machine we shape the outermost edge of the diamond which is known as the girdle. Now, it's critical to keep your diamond at a correct angle in order to avoid girdle stress.
Tim: Something Al's mom knows a lot about.
Dirk: Persistence. Now, over here, this is the polisher. Lou here is shaping and polishing the facets of the diamond using this spinning wheel.
Tim: All right. How long does the whole process take?
Dirk: With jokes like yours, it could take years.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I wonder if Al and his mom are here yet.
[Three waiters walk by carrying an array of dishes]
Tim: I'm guessing yes. Hey, Al. Hi, Alma.
[As Al waves to Tim, a woman off-screen waves a bread stick at him]

Quote from Tim

Antonio: Good evening.
Jill: Antonio. What are you doing here? I thought you were working at that French restaurant.
Antonio: I was traded for a chef and a waiter to be named later. I am so happy to see you.
Tim: Really?
Antonio: No. I'm practicing false sincerity so the Borland party will give me a big tip.
Jill: Well, we're gonna need a few minutes here.
Tim: Just some bread and water to start.
Antonio: How tantalizing! [to Alma] My God! Is that Gwyneth Paltrow?
Al: No, Antonio! That's still my mother. [chuckles]

Quote from Tim

Jill: I've never seen him so nervous.
Tim: Not since we did our salute to propane.

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