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‘Dead Weight’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Dead Weight

824. Dead Weight

Aired May 18, 1999

After Al decides to propose to Trudy, he takes his mother out for dinner to break the news. Meanwhile, Tim is unhappy when Bud hires a new manager to oversee Tool Time.

Quote from Al

Al: I was just thinking about my mother, all the great times we used to have. When I was a kid, she used to take us to the park. We'd fly kites, she'd push us on the swing. We'd spend hours on the teeter-totter.
Tim: I used to love the teeter-totter. Up and down. Up and down.
Al: Down?
Tim: Well, they play it differently in different parts of the country.


Quote from Al

Al: My mother was a great woman. She was my friend, my supporter, my teacher. And Tim's right. She said that there's nothing greater than sharing your love with someone else. And, well, there was something I was going to do the other night. And I don't think there's any reason for putting it off. Trudy, will you marry me? [off her reaction] Perhaps I've put you on the spot?
Trudy: Of course I'll marry you, Al. [applause]
Wilson: Al and Trudy, this is indeed a joyous occasion. Now, let us proceed to the grave site. Will the following pallbearers please take their places? Al, Cal, Tim, Brad, Mark, Marty, Benny, Patrick, Colin, Francis, Chris, William, Brian, Jake, Carson, Ted, Alonzo...

Quote from Al

Al: I'm taking Mother out to dinner to break the news to her first.
Jill: Oh! Well, that's a way to go.
Tim: And let me guess where you're taking her. Sven's All-You-Can-Eat Smorgasbord.
Al: No. As luck would have it... You know, they went bankrupt shortly after our last visit?
Tim: You know, I do remember seeing a white flag in their window, yeah.

Quote from Al

Jill: Look, let's be honest. Your mother was not in the best physical condition. The doctor said that she was a prime candidate for a heart attack.
Al: And I pushed her over the edge.
Jill: No.
Tim: You're being way too hard on yourself, Al. This is not your fault. And think of it this way. Your mom went the way she would want to go. She was dining in a fine restaurant.
Al: Surrounded by her favorite side dishes.
Jill: And now she's at that big buffet in the sky.
Al: I just can't believe she's gone. No more do-si-doing at the seniors' center. No more harmonizing with Don Ho.

Quote from Heidi

Tim: Thanks for filling in for Al, Heidi.
Heidi: Oh, sure. Anything to help. But, you know, I'm a little nervous. You and Al work so well off each other.
Tim: Oh, come on. You're gonna do just fine. Hey, tell you what. Do you have any quirks or physical abnormalities I can make fun of?
Heidi: Uh... Yeah. I twitch when I get nervous.
Tim: Your eye or something?
Heidi: Not exactly. [Heidi's breasts twitch]
Tim: I don't know if I can work with that.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, my God! It looks like somebody hand-polished a barn. [off Tim and Mark's looks] Well, that's an example of something that you shouldn't say.
Mark: I'm glad you cleared that up.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Would anyone else like to say a few words to honor Alma?
Tim: I'd like to say something. Uh... This is hard for me because as most of you know, I've spent a lot of years making fun of Alma on Tool Time. But what you probably don't know is that she was... And there's no delicate way to say this, but she was a huge fan. She had a great sense of humor and a great spirit about her. Everywhere Alma went, she left a big impression. That was her favorite joke. I owe a lot to that woman. Without her, I would never have had the privilege of knowing my good friend Al. And I know, Al, that your mom would want you to share the love that she gave you with someone you love. [Al hugs Tim] I didn't mean me.

Quote from Tim

Bud: See, Morgan feels all your show needs is explosion consistency.
Tim: What?
Bud: He wants you to blow up more stuff.
Morgan: Right. Whether it's an accident or not.
Tim: No, no. No. I'm not gonna stage explosions on Tool Time. I'm proud of the fact all the accidents on this show are a result of my legitimately stupid mistakes.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Horrible day today.
Jill: Really? What happened?
Tim: Get this. Bud's handed Tool Time over to some hotshot young producer who wants me to stage explosions. He wants more danger on Tool Time.
Jill: More danger? You already have higher insurance rates than the Knievel family.

Quote from Brad

Mark: What are you working on?
Jill: Oh, it's just an application for a counseling job in Dearborn. I might go for the PhD, though. But I want to keep my options open.
Brad: Yeah, that's a good idea. I mean, the last thing you want to do is narrow yourself down in your golden years.
Jill: I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
Brad: And yet very soon you won't have to pretend.

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