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‘All in the Family’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: All in the Family

803. All in the Family

Aired October 6, 1998

Jill is uneasy when her sister Carrie starts seeing Tim's brother Jeff.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm not finished yet. I'm not finished yet. You know, just because a wood is coarse and unfinished doesn't make it inferior. You know, I believe this country was founded on the principle that all wood has the inalienable right to become a nice cabinet!
Al: What exactly is your point, Tim?
Tim: I mean that all wood is created equal, regardless of color, creed or burl. And fourscore and seven tables ago...
Al: We'll be right back to "Woodworking Week" after we medicate our host.

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Quote from Jill

Carrie: Boy, I wish I could find a guy like him!
Tim: Yeah. Well, Carrie, when they made me, they broke the mold.
Jill: I believe you broke the mold.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Jill, everybody picks up certain negative characteristics from their parents.
Jill: Yeah, well, I knew I picked up negative characteristics from my mother. I didn't know I'd gotten them from my father, too. That hardly seems fair.
Wilson: Right there. See, now, by identifying them, you make the first step to overcoming them. You know, it took me years of hard work to get rid of my father's annoying traits.
Jill: Really? What was he like?
Wilson: Odd man. Kept to himself. Never really let people see the whole person.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honestly, what do you think?
Jill: It's kind of a "lumber jacket."
Tim: [chuckles] Yeah! Yeah! That's good. I'm wearing this to kick off Woodworking Week. Honey, listen, the Calvin Pine collection.
Jill: You smell kind of like a bookshelf.
Tim: Yeah. It's Old Cedar.
Jill: It's very sexy.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What are you doing home so early?
Tim: Three words. Rag, oil, match. Well, the boys are still at school. How's that window situation holding up?
Jill: Oh, the window. Actually, I'm wide open until after 2:00. And then again between 3:00 and 3:30.
Tim: Two windows in the same afternoon? There's bound to be some broken glass.
Jill: I'm willing to risk it.
Jill: [doorbell chimes] Should we get that?
Tim: Let the machine get it.
Carrie: [o.s.] [knocks] Jill, honey, it's me, Carrie!
Jill: Oh, my God! That's my sister Carrie!
Tim: Let the machine get it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: This is absolutely unbelievable. They've been at it for almost an hour!
Tim: I had no idea Jeff had that kind of staying power.
Jill: Jeff and Carrie, of all people in the world?
Tim: Well, some women go for that bald look, you know? They stare in that shiny head and they can fix their make-up.
Jill: What would my sister see in your brother?
Tim: I just told you. Herself.

Quote from Tim

Jill: No. I don't mean the bald thing. You know, Jeff is just... He's so...
Tim: So what?
Jill: Well, he can't keep a job... He can't...
Tim: Oh, stop it...
Jill: He's been divorced twice. He's, you know, kind of uncouth.
Tim: My brother reeks of couth.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And what makes you think Carrie's such a catch?
Jill: Carrie? She's a great catch. She's an accomplished photographer. She's cute. She's warm. She's funny.
Tim: She's a mooch.
Jill: What?
Tim: How does she always end up staying here? She's always on her way to this imaginary hotel of hers. The "Holiday Inn Her Mind."

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, I don't want to argue about this. Look, Jeff is just the wrong guy for my sister, okay?
Tim: What you mean is he's not good enough for your sister.
Jill: I never said that.
Tim: But that's what you mean.
Jill: Don't tell me what I mean.
Tim: I don't need to tell you what you mean, you know what you mean.
Jill: I do know what I mean. And it's not what you think I mean. And who are you to tell me what I mean, anyway? Half the time you don't even know what you mean!
Tim: What's that supposed to mean?
Jill: What do you think it means?
Tim: I don't know. I'm not even sure what the original topic is.
Jill: My sister. Your brother.
Tim: What? Yes!

Quote from Al

Heidi: Welcome back to "Woodworking Week" and our special segment on dents, defects and gouges.
Al: Now, we've just showed you how to inlay knots to cover blemishes.
Tim: Since we're done working on Al's face, we can now start on this nice table. Okay, say you have a lacquered or varnished table...
Al & Heidi: You have a lacquered or varnished table.
Tim: With a small dent in it. Doink!
Al: Not to worry. No need to sand off the finish to restore this table to its natural beauty.
Tim: No, no, no. We're gonna show you a process that we call "doping in."
Al: Doping in can be done in one of two ways. You can stick Tim into the dent. [snorts]

Quote from Tim

Al: You can keep this crack from getting any bigger by installing a decorative butterfly key.
Tim: Like one of these ones I carved earlier today.
Al: Well, Tim, that's made of ash.
Tim: I know.
Al: Well, our table is made of bird's-eye maple. They're from two different families.
Tim: So what?
Al: Well, ash is a coarse grain and maple's a fine grain. They just... They don't go together.
Tim: Are you saying your wood is better than my wood?
Al: No.
Tim: Your wood is classier and more intelligent than my wood?
Al: What are you talking about?
Tim: I'm talking about people that look down on other people's wood. Maybe your maple could just kiss my ash.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho, Jill.
Jill: What are you doing?
Wilson: I am celebrating Yabusame. You know, at Yabusame time in Japan, members of the Shinto religion shoot arrows to expel evil influences and resolve long-standing quarrels.
Jill: Well, if you have any extra arrows, you ought to send one over here.
Wilson: Problem, neighbor-san?

Quote from Jill

Jill: My sister Carrie started seeing Tim's brother Jeff. We won't go into the how, when and where of that. But I didn't think it was a good match. Tim got all sensitive about it, accused me of looking down on his family.
Wilson: Well, why did he do that?
Jill: I have no idea. I have always been the one who defended his family.
Wilson: To whom?
Jill: My family. Well, you know, my dad.
Wilson: Oh, yes! The Colonel!
Jill: He was a very opinionated man. Judged everybody according to rank.
Wilson: Oh, I remember that. Used to call Tim "Corporal Punishment."
Jill: Well, then he promoted him to "Major Butt-head." I never wanted to be like my dad. You know, look down on people. That's why I've always been very accepting of Tim's brothers.
Wilson: Accepting of Tim's brothers?
Jill: If you're trying to imply that Tim's right, you are way, way off base. If I was that judgmental, I never would have married someone like Tim. "Someone like Tim." Oh, my God! Listen to me. I've become my father without the scowl.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I saw Jeff's car. Where's he taking Carrie?
Jill: Dinner and a fight.
Tim: Sounds like Friday night at our house.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I thought you had to go to the class today.
Jill: Not till about 10:00.
Tim: Oh, boy!
Jill: I have a kind of a window of opportunity. How about you?
Tim: Oh, I've got to be at Tool Time in 20 minutes. So, I just have, like, a little peephole.

Quote from Tim

Jeff: [on answer machine] Hey, bro. It's Jeff. Listen, I decided to take you up on your invitation to have dinner and watch the fight. Although I may be a little late because I have an appointment with my podiatrist. Tim, I've got a fungus infection between my toes that would just turn your stomach.
Tim: Just ignore him. He does that to get a rise out of me.
Jill: He won't.
Jeff: [on phone] It's unbelievable, Timmy! There's this yellow stuff oozing out of my toenails. Actually, it's more of a light green or a teal... Hard to describe on the phone, Tim. I'll show you tonight over dinner, okay? See ya.
Jill: That just put a lock on my window.
Tim: Hey, but Daddy's got the master key!

Quote from Jill

Jill: Okay, I know this. The cerebrum is responsible for sensory and neural function, motor coordination... And one more thing. Memory! Damn!

Quote from Tim

Carrie: Surprise!
Tim: Hi, Carrie.
Carrie: What ya doing?
Tim: I was looking for a quarter.
Carrie: I guess I came at a good time then, huh?

Quote from Jill

Carrie: I'm photographing a magazine cover. I just thought I'd stop by on my way to the hotel.
Jill: You are not staying at a hotel.
Tim: Honey, she's a grown woman. If she wants to stay in a hotel, who are we to stop her, huh?
Jill: She is not staying at a hotel. You can stay in Randy's room. But when you stay down there, you gotta go all the way up to the bathroom and then you gotta jiggle the handle of the toilet because it kind of runs. So, I should have Brad stay down in Randy's room and you can stay up there in his room.
Carrie: Great. Okay. Tim, is that okay?
Tim: I have no idea what she just said. But that's okay.

Quote from Tim

Jeff: The skin between every single one of my toes is cracked, splitting and raw. Could you pass the creamed corn?
Tim: There you go.
Jeff: I'll tell you, this fungus is painful.
Jill: Not as painful as hearing about it.
Jeff: You know what's the worst? Plantar's warts. You have to scrape that skin off the inside of your toe...
Tim: Okay, that's it. Dinner's over. Time for the fight.

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