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‘All in the Family’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: All in the Family

803. All in the Family

Aired October 6, 1998

Jill is uneasy when her sister Carrie starts seeing Tim's brother Jeff.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm not finished yet. I'm not finished yet. You know, just because a wood is coarse and unfinished doesn't make it inferior. You know, I believe this country was founded on the principle that all wood has the inalienable right to become a nice cabinet!
Al: What exactly is your point, Tim?
Tim: I mean that all wood is created equal, regardless of color, creed or burl. And fourscore and seven tables ago...
Al: We'll be right back to "Woodworking Week" after we medicate our host.

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Quote from Jill

Carrie: Boy, I wish I could find a guy like him!
Tim: Yeah. Well, Carrie, when they made me, they broke the mold.
Jill: I believe you broke the mold.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Jill, everybody picks up certain negative characteristics from their parents.
Jill: Yeah, well, I knew I picked up negative characteristics from my mother. I didn't know I'd gotten them from my father, too. That hardly seems fair.
Wilson: Right there. See, now, by identifying them, you make the first step to overcoming them. You know, it took me years of hard work to get rid of my father's annoying traits.
Jill: Really? What was he like?
Wilson: Odd man. Kept to himself. Never really let people see the whole person.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honestly, what do you think?
Jill: It's kind of a "lumber jacket."
Tim: [chuckles] Yeah! Yeah! That's good. I'm wearing this to kick off Woodworking Week. Honey, listen, the Calvin Pine collection.
Jill: You smell kind of like a bookshelf.
Tim: Yeah. It's Old Cedar.
Jill: It's very sexy.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What are you doing home so early?
Tim: Three words. Rag, oil, match. Well, the boys are still at school. How's that window situation holding up?
Jill: Oh, the window. Actually, I'm wide open until after 2:00. And then again between 3:00 and 3:30.
Tim: Two windows in the same afternoon? There's bound to be some broken glass.
Jill: I'm willing to risk it.
Jill: [doorbell chimes] Should we get that?
Tim: Let the machine get it.
Carrie: [o.s.] [knocks] Jill, honey, it's me, Carrie!
Jill: Oh, my God! That's my sister Carrie!
Tim: Let the machine get it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: This is absolutely unbelievable. They've been at it for almost an hour!
Tim: I had no idea Jeff had that kind of staying power.
Jill: Jeff and Carrie, of all people in the world?
Tim: Well, some women go for that bald look, you know? They stare in that shiny head and they can fix their make-up.
Jill: What would my sister see in your brother?
Tim: I just told you. Herself.

Quote from Tim

Jill: No. I don't mean the bald thing. You know, Jeff is just... He's so...
Tim: So what?
Jill: Well, he can't keep a job... He can't...
Tim: Oh, stop it...
Jill: He's been divorced twice. He's, you know, kind of uncouth.
Tim: My brother reeks of couth.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And what makes you think Carrie's such a catch?
Jill: Carrie? She's a great catch. She's an accomplished photographer. She's cute. She's warm. She's funny.
Tim: She's a mooch.
Jill: What?
Tim: How does she always end up staying here? She's always on her way to this imaginary hotel of hers. The "Holiday Inn Her Mind."

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, I don't want to argue about this. Look, Jeff is just the wrong guy for my sister, okay?
Tim: What you mean is he's not good enough for your sister.
Jill: I never said that.
Tim: But that's what you mean.
Jill: Don't tell me what I mean.
Tim: I don't need to tell you what you mean, you know what you mean.
Jill: I do know what I mean. And it's not what you think I mean. And who are you to tell me what I mean, anyway? Half the time you don't even know what you mean!
Tim: What's that supposed to mean?
Jill: What do you think it means?
Tim: I don't know. I'm not even sure what the original topic is.
Jill: My sister. Your brother.
Tim: What? Yes!

Quote from Al

Heidi: Welcome back to "Woodworking Week" and our special segment on dents, defects and gouges.
Al: Now, we've just showed you how to inlay knots to cover blemishes.
Tim: Since we're done working on Al's face, we can now start on this nice table. Okay, say you have a lacquered or varnished table...
Al & Heidi: You have a lacquered or varnished table.
Tim: With a small dent in it. Doink!
Al: Not to worry. No need to sand off the finish to restore this table to its natural beauty.
Tim: No, no, no. We're gonna show you a process that we call "doping in."
Al: Doping in can be done in one of two ways. You can stick Tim into the dent. [snorts]

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