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‘What You See is What You Get’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: What You See is What You Get

323. What You See is What You Get

Aired May 11, 1994

When Jill writes an article about women getting plastic surgery, she worries Tim would be more attracted to her if she had work done.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wow!
Jill: What?
Tim: Wow!
Jill: Are you saying you think I'd look good like that?
Tim: No. It was a general wow.
Jill: General wow?
Tim: The famous Chinese military guy, General Wow...

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: She had this computer simulation that showed some cosmetic surgeon's alterations to her body. It reminded me of when she was young, when I first met her. I kinda liked it. Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it would cost to overhaul her whole body.
Wilson: Whoa, major faux pas.
Tim: Major Faux Pas... Was he in the same campaign as General Wow?
Wilson: Tim, I'm not familiar with General Wow, but your situation reminds me of The Naked Ape. [Tim grunts] That is the one exactly, Tim. You see, The Naked Ape is a book which theorizes that men, like apes, are instinctively drawn to younger, more fertile women in order to propagate the species.
Tim: What's Mrs. Naked Ape attracted to?
Wilson: Well, unlike the male of the species, she instinct is be attracted to someone older and more experienced. Someone with more wisdom, sensitivity.
Tim: Wait a minute. What you're saying is if I explain to Jill it was just my instincts talking, I'd be off the hook.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. What I'm trying to say is you have to learn to understand your instincts, and then you won't be on the hook in the first place.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, sure.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Fuses in, wired up. I'm gonna try the horn. Cover your ears, Mark. [lights go on]
Mark: Aah! Dad, the horn is blinding me!
Tim: Just a crossed wire, son.
Jill: That's what it's gonna say on your tombstone - "It was just a crossed wire."

Quote from Jill

Mark: Come on, make your move.
Tim: I'm working on it.
Jill: If chess is too hard for you, you could go back to tick-tack-toe.
Tim: I'm thinking.
Mark: Dad, you've been thinking for half an hour.
Jill: That's a record for your father.
Tim: Eat my dust.
Mark: Checkmate.
Jill: Dust my house.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Table For One" Borland.
Al: Need I remind you that I now have a significant other?
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. It's Al "Table For Two" Borland. But if his mom's dining with him, it's Al "Table For Seven" Borland. "Al, where's the salad bar?" [moos]

Quote from Tim

Jill: We've gotta get in the kitchen and start making those cupcakes for the school carnival.
Tim: Honey, there's one thing you should know about men: We don't make cupcakes.
Jill: Come on, you promised me that you'd help me.
Tim: Another thing you should know about men - we lie.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Did you get the cardboard cutouts for the photo booth?
Tim: Yeah, right over here. This is for the men... [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Maria! Maria! I can't itch my own back! [normal voice] And for the women... [Jill laughs] Hi.
Jill: It's lovely, Tim. Her thumb is on the wrong side of her right hand, and she has no left arm.
Tim: I didn't even notice that she had any arms.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Listen, Jill... after 12 years of marriage and all those kids, women tend to let themselves go, you know, spread out. Most men aren't as forgiving as I am.
Jill: Excuse me. Did you say that you have forgiven me for letting myself go?
Tim: No, that's not what I said.
Jill: That is exactly what you said.
Tim: Well, I didn't mean that.
Jill: What did you mean?
Tim: I... I mean... those Tigers have a shot at the pennant with good pitching this year.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We're gonna show you how to refinish a table today, and we'll show you the steps necessary using these three tables, all of which we bought for $3 at a garage sale.
Al: Actually, I bought them, and you haven't reimbursed me yet.
Tim: Before we refinish, let's decide what kind of wood we're dealing with. For that, a simple pat underneath will tell you if you're dealing with raw wood or - eww - old chewing gum. Al can actually determine what flavor it is just by tasting it. Take a try.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Al

Al: All right, now we're ready for sanding. Now, in this case, you wanna use Binford's 6100 palm sander.
Tim: If you don't actually own a palm sander, you can use a sanding attachment to any Binford drill.
Al: Well, you don't want to use an attachment on fine furniture because it will leave unsightly swirl marks.
Tim: Says who?
Al: Everybody.
Tim: Oh, and you listen to what everybody says?
Al: Unless it's you.

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