Tim: Wow!
Jill: What?
Tim: Wow!
Jill: Are you saying you think I'd look good like that?
Tim: No. It was a general wow.
Jill: General wow?
Tim: The famous Chinese military guy, General Wow...

Tim: She had this computer simulation that showed some cosmetic surgeon's alterations to her body. It reminded me of when she was young, when I first met her. I kinda liked it. Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it would cost to overhaul her whole body.
Wilson: Whoa, major faux pas.
Tim: Major Faux Pas... Was he in the same campaign as General Wow?
Wilson: Tim, I'm not familiar with General Wow, but your situation reminds me of The Naked Ape. [Tim grunts] That is the one exactly, Tim. You see, The Naked Ape is a book which theorizes that men, like apes, are instinctively drawn to younger, more fertile women in order to propagate the species.
Tim: What's Mrs. Naked Ape attracted to?
Wilson: Well, unlike the male of the species, she instinct is be attracted to someone older and more experienced. Someone with more wisdom, sensitivity.
Tim: Wait a minute. What you're saying is if I explain to Jill it was just my instincts talking, I'd be off the hook.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. What I'm trying to say is you have to learn to understand your instincts, and then you won't be on the hook in the first place.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, sure.

Tim: Fuses in, wired up. I'm gonna try the horn. Cover your ears, Mark. [lights go on]
Mark: Aah! Dad, the horn is blinding me!
Tim: Just a crossed wire, son.
Jill: That's what it's gonna say on your tombstone - "It was just a crossed wire."

Mark: Come on, make your move.
Tim: I'm working on it.
Jill: If chess is too hard for you, you could go back to tick-tack-toe.
Tim: I'm thinking.
Mark: Dad, you've been thinking for half an hour.
Jill: That's a record for your father.
Tim: Eat my dust.
Mark: Checkmate.
Jill: Dust my house.

Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Table For One" Borland.
Al: Need I remind you that I now have a significant other?
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. It's Al "Table For Two" Borland. But if his mom's dining with him, it's Al "Table For Seven" Borland. "Al, where's the salad bar?" [moos]

Jill: We've gotta get in the kitchen and start making those cupcakes for the school carnival.
Tim: Honey, there's one thing you should know about men: We don't make cupcakes.
Jill: Come on, you promised me that you'd help me.
Tim: Another thing you should know about men - we lie.

Jill: Did you get the cardboard cutouts for the photo booth?
Tim: Yeah, right over here. This is for the men... [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Maria! Maria! I can't itch my own back! [normal voice] And for the women... [Jill laughs] Hi.
Jill: It's lovely, Tim. Her thumb is on the wrong side of her right hand, and she has no left arm.
Tim: I didn't even notice that she had any arms.

Tim: Listen, Jill... after 12 years of marriage and all those kids, women tend to let themselves go, you know, spread out. Most men aren't as forgiving as I am.
Jill: Excuse me. Did you say that you have forgiven me for letting myself go?
Tim: No, that's not what I said.
Jill: That is exactly what you said.
Tim: Well, I didn't mean that.
Jill: What did you mean?
Tim: I... I mean... those Tigers have a shot at the pennant with good pitching this year.

Tim: We're gonna show you how to refinish a table today, and we'll show you the steps necessary using these three tables, all of which we bought for $3 at a garage sale.
Al: Actually, I bought them, and you haven't reimbursed me yet.
Tim: Before we refinish, let's decide what kind of wood we're dealing with. For that, a simple pat underneath will tell you if you're dealing with raw wood or - eww - old chewing gum. Al can actually determine what flavor it is just by tasting it. Take a try.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Al: All right, now we're ready for sanding. Now, in this case, you wanna use Binford's 6100 palm sander.
Tim: If you don't actually own a palm sander, you can use a sanding attachment to any Binford drill.
Al: Well, you don't want to use an attachment on fine furniture because it will leave unsightly swirl marks.
Tim: Says who?
Al: Everybody.
Tim: Oh, and you listen to what everybody says?
Al: Unless it's you.