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Home Improvement: What You See is What You Get

323. What You See is What You Get

Aired May 11, 1994

When Jill writes an article about women getting plastic surgery, she worries Tim would be more attracted to her if she had work done.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wow!
Jill: What?
Tim: Wow!
Jill: Are you saying you think I'd look good like that?
Tim: No. It was a general wow.
Jill: General wow?
Tim: The famous Chinese military guy, General Wow...

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: She had this computer simulation that showed some cosmetic surgeon's alterations to her body. It reminded me of when she was young, when I first met her. I kinda liked it. Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it would cost to overhaul her whole body.
Wilson: Whoa, major faux pas.
Tim: Major Faux Pas... Was he in the same campaign as General Wow?
Wilson: Tim, I'm not familiar with General Wow, but your situation reminds me of The Naked Ape. [Tim grunts] That is the one exactly, Tim. You see, The Naked Ape is a book which theorizes that men, like apes, are instinctively drawn to younger, more fertile women in order to propagate the species.
Tim: What's Mrs. Naked Ape attracted to?
Wilson: Well, unlike the male of the species, she instinct is be attracted to someone older and more experienced. Someone with more wisdom, sensitivity.
Tim: Wait a minute. What you're saying is if I explain to Jill it was just my instincts talking, I'd be off the hook.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. What I'm trying to say is you have to learn to understand your instincts, and then you won't be on the hook in the first place.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, sure.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Fuses in, wired up. I'm gonna try the horn. Cover your ears, Mark. [lights go on]
Mark: Aah! Dad, the horn is blinding me!
Tim: Just a crossed wire, son.
Jill: That's what it's gonna say on your tombstone - "It was just a crossed wire."

Quote from Jill

Mark: Come on, make your move.
Tim: I'm working on it.
Jill: If chess is too hard for you, you could go back to tick-tack-toe.
Tim: I'm thinking.
Mark: Dad, you've been thinking for half an hour.
Jill: That's a record for your father.
Tim: Eat my dust.
Mark: Checkmate.
Jill: Dust my house.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Table For One" Borland.
Al: Need I remind you that I now have a significant other?
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. It's Al "Table For Two" Borland. But if his mom's dining with him, it's Al "Table For Seven" Borland. "Al, where's the salad bar?" [moos]

Quote from Tim

Jill: We've gotta get in the kitchen and start making those cupcakes for the school carnival.
Tim: Honey, there's one thing you should know about men: We don't make cupcakes.
Jill: Come on, you promised me that you'd help me.
Tim: Another thing you should know about men - we lie.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Did you get the cardboard cutouts for the photo booth?
Tim: Yeah, right over here. This is for the men... [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Maria! Maria! I can't itch my own back! [normal voice] And for the women... [Jill laughs] Hi.
Jill: It's lovely, Tim. Her thumb is on the wrong side of her right hand, and she has no left arm.
Tim: I didn't even notice that she had any arms.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Listen, Jill... after 12 years of marriage and all those kids, women tend to let themselves go, you know, spread out. Most men aren't as forgiving as I am.
Jill: Excuse me. Did you say that you have forgiven me for letting myself go?
Tim: No, that's not what I said.
Jill: That is exactly what you said.
Tim: Well, I didn't mean that.
Jill: What did you mean?
Tim: I... I mean... those Tigers have a shot at the pennant with good pitching this year.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We're gonna show you how to refinish a table today, and we'll show you the steps necessary using these three tables, all of which we bought for $3 at a garage sale.
Al: Actually, I bought them, and you haven't reimbursed me yet.
Tim: Before we refinish, let's decide what kind of wood we're dealing with. For that, a simple pat underneath will tell you if you're dealing with raw wood or - eww - old chewing gum. Al can actually determine what flavor it is just by tasting it. Take a try.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Al

Al: All right, now we're ready for sanding. Now, in this case, you wanna use Binford's 6100 palm sander.
Tim: If you don't actually own a palm sander, you can use a sanding attachment to any Binford drill.
Al: Well, you don't want to use an attachment on fine furniture because it will leave unsightly swirl marks.
Tim: Says who?
Al: Everybody.
Tim: Oh, and you listen to what everybody says?
Al: Unless it's you.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Whoa! Check out this babe on Dad's hot-rod magazine.
Randy: Whoa. One question. Who works on a car in a bikini and high heels?
Tim: I do. [hits head on pipe] Oh! Unless I'm working under the car. Then I go with a halter top and flats. You guys are supposed to be working on the basement, not gawking at my car magazines.
Brad: Dad, we've been working all morning. We needed a babe break.
Tim: Don't call her that. She's got a name. Ohh... That's Miss Dual Exhaust 1984.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I thought you're done with your research. Why is the computer hooked up?
Jill: Come over here. I want you to see something.
Tim: Hey, there's a good-looking guy.
Jill: Here. Take this keyboard and show me what you think is my ideal Tim.
Tim: Sounds like fun. What do I gotta do?
Jill: Oh, you hit D for delts, B for biceps, W for waist, P for pecs.
Tim: Are you sure P is for pecs?
Jill: Just press the P.
Tim: There we go. "The Timinator."

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Something burning out here, Wilson?
Wilson: No need to be alarmed, Tim. I'm just smoking a fish.
Tim: Regular or menthol?
Wilson: No, no, Tim. I'm curing an Alaskan salmon. My only concern is what wine to have it with.
Tim: Love to help you, but I got a concern of my own. It started with me turning Jill's breasts into hot-air balloons and getting kind of excited about it.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I think you've finally found a problem that's out of my realm of expertise.

Quote from Tim

Tim: A lot of us have tables like this around the house. A little beat-up, nicks, scratches, stains all over it.
Al: That's right. So what you wanna do is sand it down... with a normal-size sander. Refinish it, you'll have yourself a brand-new table.
Tim: I can't do this to this table.
Al: It's all right, Tim. I'll do it.
Tim: No. I am surprised and shocked that you're so superficial.
Al: What are you talking...? You're superficial!
Tim: Maybe on the surface. Tool Time isn't just about home improvement. It's also about male improvement. You see, man, by nature, is just a naked ape, chain-smoking salmon. Now, our instincts would be to make this table new, make it look new with plastic filler in all the nicks. What we should do is learn to appreciate the natural beauty inherent in this wood, and over the years, it's become nothing but deeper, richer and warmer. And more interesting.
Al: What are you saying, Tim?
Tim: I'm saying this table is perfect the way it is.
Al: So our project today is to stand here and stare at this table.
Tim: No. We could pour oil on it, rub it affectionately and show the table how we love it. Rub with me, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Did you watch Tool Time today?
Jill: No.
Tim: Too bad. We had a table on that reminded me of you.
Jill: Why, was it big, flat, old and dented?
Tim: Actually, it was quite lovely. Its warmth and color and character made it even more beautiful than when it was new. Al wanted to refinish it, but I really liked that table just the way it was.
Jill: Oh, Tim... It's gorgeous.
Tim: Just like you. It expands in the middle. Not like you. It has extra leaves, so if we have company...

Quote from Tim

Tim: I had one of the computer guys at work help me with that program.
Jill: Oh, no.
Tim: Oh, come on, come on. Sit down. Let's see if I remember. This is us...
Jill: That's us?
Tim: That's us in 2446.
Jill: So we're, what, 400-some years old?
Tim: 450 years old. That's why we're not movin'. [Jill laughs] The point is, no matter how paunchy or wrinkly we get, we're still gonna be together and love each other.
Jill: So I guess that just proves that love is blind.
Tim: And there's good news. Our 425-year-old kids have finally left the house. So we can just sit around naked all day.
Jill: No, that is a pretty picture. Two wrinkled-up old prunes just lying around together.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, I have thousands of those things to make. I can't believe you're not gonna pitch in and help with this carnival.
Tim: I did pitch in. Don't forget about my "Stump The Tool Man" booth.
Jill: How could I forget? Last year, you kept getting stumped by that 12-year-old.

Quote from Tim

Mark: What are you guys doing?
Randy: We're doing our taxes. What does it look like we are doing?
Tim: I got winner.
Mark: I was here first. I've got winner.
Randy: There's no way we're playing you. You stink.
Brad: You stink even worse than Dad.
Tim: Hey, a little respect. I stink the most.

Quote from Tim

Tim: When you guys are down there cleaning that basement, don't touch those hot-rod magazines. That's your inheritance.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, Jill.
Jill: Hi. I just heard the most depressing story.
Tim: I suppose you're gonna share it with me?
Jill: Yes, I am. You know, I've been researching that article on plastic surgery. I just interviewed a woman who bought herself a whole new body because her husband left her for a younger woman. They were married 12 years, had four kids.
Tim: She made a big mistake.
Jill: I'm glad you feel that way.
Tim: Yeah. Had she had this surgery some time ago, she could have saved the marriage.
Jill: You've come a long way, Tim.

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