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‘Shooting Three to Make Tutu’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Shooting Three to Make Tutu

220. Shooting Three to Make Tutu

Aired March 3, 1993

Tim is given courtside seats to the Pistons/Bulls game when he's supposed to take Mark to see Swan Lake. Meanwhile, Brad and Randy stay home alone.

Quote from Al

Tim: [theme music starts] Ah! There's the theme music. You know what time that means it is.
Al: Time to hear another word from Binford about some of their fine new products.
Tim: That's right. I'd like to introduce you to Binford's small line of industrial magnets.
Al: The MiniMag 100 is perfect for picking up screws and nails. It can also pick up small tools that have carelessly been dropped behind the workbench. Perhaps the fault of a coworker.

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Quote from Randy

Randy: Are you gonna call before you come home?
Jill: Why are you asking me that?
Randy: No reason.
Jill: Yeah, right. I think that you should know that I could be home at any moment. Now, Wilson is gonna be next door the whole time if you need anything. And here are the emergency numbers right here.
Randy: We know. We know. We call them all the time for Dad.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: How much ballet have you actually seen?
Tim: Well, counting the 30 minutes I saw today, about 36 minutes, lifetime total.
Wilson: Well, then I would have to say that your opinion is based on ignorance.
Tim: You just called me ignorant?
Wilson: Well, when it comes to ballet, I guess I did. Ignorance is a breeding ground for prejudice.
Tim: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. You ask anybody. I'm not a prejudiced guy.
Wilson: Not against people. Perhaps against ideas, though. See, Tim. Anytime a man forms an opinion that's not based on facts, then he's a fool.
Tim: Oh, great, great, great. Now I'm an ignorant, prejudiced fool.
Wilson: Mm-hm.

Quote from Al

Tim: What gadget do you have for us today, Al?
Al: Well, Tim, I think I have an interesting item. A light bulb that is guaranteed to last 100 years.
Tim: Al, that's... that's not really that new. It's been around quite awhile.
Al: Well, perhaps. But this is guaranteed to last 100 years and I have a certificate... to prove it.
Tim: How do you know the company will be around a hundred years?
Al: Well... Uh... Someone will be held responsible.
Tim: How many of these did you buy?
Al: Well, Tim, I... [Tim knocks the bulb onto the floor] Just that one.
Tim: And they said it was good for a hundred years.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And the MiniMag 2000. Small, but powerful. 10 pounds will pick up 400 pounds. This would suck the Tin Man right through a keyhole.
Al: Well, it was designed to pick up sheet metal, so you'll want to keep it pointed... [the magnet sticks to Al's tool belt] Tim... No, no. Just slide it straight down. [the magnet sticks to a metal TV cabinet] Tim...
Tim: Pretty powerful little thing, isn't it? [the magnet pulls down the boom mike] Marv, pull it back! [the magnet pulls a camera towards Tim's face] Marv! Oh! We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. All right. All right, guys. Attention on deck. I got all the snacks ready for the game of the century. The Pistons versus the Bulls. Michael Jordan, Isiah Thomas. [horn blows] Ah!
Brad: What'd you get?
Tim: All right. Cheese nutrition. Cheese Doodles, Cheese Oodles, Cheese Curls, Cheese Puffs - teeth-stainin', artery-blockin', stomach-bloatin'... [grunts]
Jill: Gee, no dessert?
Tim: Yes. Cheesecake. You want to join us?
Jill: You know I'd love to, but my jock is in the wash. Would you come out in the garage? I want to talk to you for a minute.
Tim: She just can't get enough of me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What's up?
Jill: My computer crashed. I gotta go to work today and recreate all of the research for next week's lead article. It means I can't take Mark to the ballet.
Tim: Mark was really looking forward to going to Swan Lake with you. What are you gonna do?
Jill: Gonna get you to do it.
Tim: Me?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Back the tutu up, honey.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, look. Mark has really been looking forward to this ever since he saw The Nutcracker on TV. It really means a lot to him.
Tim: Give him a ticket and call him a cab.
Jill: Tim!
Tim: He can take my car. Put a pillow in there, he'll look like Grandma with just his knuckles showing. "I can't see anything."

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Boy, it's too bad you're busy today. I've got two free tickets to the Pistons/Bulls game.
Tim: Oh!
Wilson: Ohh! It's a shame. First row.
Tim: No!
Wilson: Mm-hm. Courtside.
Tim: No way! Courtside? Let me just take a look at them. This is down... these are right behind the players' bench. How did you get these?
Wilson: Radio call-in contest. They asked the name of the astronomer famous for his three laws describing the motion of the planets around the sun. And I was the 15th caller that knew that it was, indeed, Johannes Kepler.
Tim: There were 14 other people that knew that?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Hey, Randy, check it out. I found Mom's stash of cookies. Turn on the game.
Randy: I will. I will. After... I smoke my cigar.
Brad: Whoa, cool. Where did you get that?
Randy: Dad's sock drawer. He's got a whole box.
Brad: That's why his socks smell so bad.
Randy: No. I think that's why this cigar smells so bad.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Dad, the game was great.
Tim: You bet it was. Courtside, front row, you and me. That's the way to see B-ball.
Mark: Yeah. Do you think that referee's still mad at you?
Tim: He knows I was just stretching my legs. I wasn't trying to trip him.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Actually, we went to the ballet and the basketball... We just left the ballet a little early.
Jill: So how long did you stay? Five minutes?
Tim: Oh, come on. We stayed 30 minutes.
Jill: Tim, I have been trying to expose the boys to something other than sports, tools and cars. I mean, Brad has zero interest. Randy's light is barely flickering. I had a chance with Mark. Why did you have to go and ruin that?
Tim: I didn't ruin it. Now listen to me for a minute. Courtside, players' bench, these are very amazing seats. You don't get...
Jill: I don't care! You taught Mark something today! You taught him that basketball is cool and ballet is stupid.
Tim: You're overreacting. I did not tell him any of that. He does not think ballet is stupid. We were only there 30 minutes. Now had he been there for the whole thing, he might have... [Jill walks off] Oh, come on!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Come sit on the couch here. I made this tape for people who are prejudiced against the ballet, OK? OK, welcome to the More Power Ballet Hour.
Jill: What?
Tim: Tonight's feature is Prince Ziegfried in Eat My Dust. [ballet video plays] Oh, it's a happy day in the village. The peasants are awaiting the arrival of the talented Prince Ziegfried. [basketball video plays] There he is, the prince now. Oh, look. The prince slam dunks. Whoo! Nice. [ballet video plays] And the peasants rejoice. But just then the evil baron escapes his dungeon. [American football video plays] And Ziegfried's army pursues him. Go, go, go, go, go! The baron is tackled at about the 37-yard line. [ballet video plays] And the peasants...
Jill: rejoice.
Tim: But Ziegfried, wanting to escape his enemies, mounts his trusted steed and pulls a 6-5 ET at 220 miles an hour. [motor racing video plays] [ballet video plays] And the peasants rejoice. Look at those guys. Hence, the title of my piece, Eat My Dust or...
Both: The Peasants Rejoice.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Just follow my lead. Go get your coat. Boys, come on down here! Quick! Hurry up! [sighs] You gotta watch Mark for a little bit. We gotta take Wilson to the emergency room.
Brad: Why?
Randy: What's the matter?
Tim: I gave him one of those cigars that I hid in my sock drawer. He's real sick. Evidently the tobacco was infected or something.
Brad: Infected tobacco?
Tim: Boy, is he feeling bad. He's got this rash up his leg, head to toe. He's itching like crazy. And he's got hair growing out of his knuckles.
Jill: Yeah, he does. I saw it. It's gross. See you later.
Tim: Watch Mark, all right? [they leave]
Brad: You know, I'm sorta starting to itch.
Randy: Yeah, me too. Maybe we better go to the hospital with Mom and Dad before that hair starts to grow. [they open the door]
Tim & Jill: Busted!

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Basketball and ballet in the same day. You're raising your boys to be Renaissance men.
Tim: Actually, I'm not interested in Renaissance men. I think ballet's stupid.
Wilson: Really? Why do you think it's stupid?
Tim: It's ballet.
Wilson: Uh-huh. What is it that you don't enjoy about it?
Tim: It's ballet.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I think we've established that.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, you know, you might enjoy this. It's a great story. It's about the power of undying love.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy meets bird. Boy loses bird. Boy pan fries bird. [sizzle sounds]
Jill: Not exactly. It's about this princess and her friends. They're hanging out at the lake. And this evil sorcerer...
comes along and turns them all into swans. [Tim snores] Well, then the prince, Ziegfried, comes along to hunt the swans - weapons, bows and arrows [Tim "wakes up"] - and the princess says, "Please, I'm not a swan. I'm really just a person. Don't kill me."
Tim: So it's a swan with an identity crisis.

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK. Let's try another story. Once upon a time there was a beautiful, lovely and talented queen who was married to an evil king, the King Selfish.
Tim: Mmm, I'm gonna like this guy.
Jill: Yeah, you would like this guy. He has a low-rated tool show where most of the work is done by his assistant, the Earl of Al. Anyway, our kind and sensitive and breathtakingly beautiful queen wanted a knight in shining armor to come and take the young princeling to the palace dance festival.
Tim: I hate ballet. I hate it. You go to the ballet, you burp, people are going, "Shh, quiet!" "Hiss! Shhh!"
Jill: Tim, I took those kids to the monster truck rally for you. Do you remember that?
Tim: Uh-huh. Ten to one, no one there went, "Hey, lady! Quiet! You're burping! I can't hear Fordzilla!" All right, all right, all right. I'll take him. I'll tape the game on ye old royal VCR.
Jill: Thank you. You are my favorite knight. And later on, I'll make sure you have your favorite night. [Tim grunts]

Quote from Tim

Tim: They're handsome. They're virile. They even changed their underwear.
Jill: So, what? You're wearing his? He's wearing yours?
Tim: [high-pitched voice] And his are a little tight.
Jill: But they're so attractive. Oh, you all look great.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, Dad. Have fun at Swine Lake. [Randy and Brad snort]
Tim: You guys are just jealous because you don't get to dress up and look cool like Mark and I.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Now listen, I want you guys to have fun. But, Mark, this is a grown-up place and I want you to be on your best behavior. And remember, Tim, this is a grown-up place, and I want you to be on your best behavior.
Tim: We know it's a cultural event. We'll make you real proud.
Jill: All right.
Tim: Hey, lady! You in the beak! [horn blows] Nice jump! Go, swans, go! [Mark joins in] Go, swans, go! Go, swans, go!

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