Tim: [theme music starts] Ah! There's the theme music. You know what time that means it is.
Al: Time to hear another word from Binford about some of their fine new products.
Tim: That's right. I'd like to introduce you to Binford's small line of industrial magnets.
Al: The MiniMag 100 is perfect for picking up screws and nails. It can also pick up small tools that have carelessly been dropped behind the workbench. Perhaps the fault of a coworker.

Randy: Are you gonna call before you come home?
Jill: Why are you asking me that?
Randy: No reason.
Jill: Yeah, right. I think that you should know that I could be home at any moment. Now, Wilson is gonna be next door the whole time if you need anything. And here are the emergency numbers right here.
Randy: We know. We know. We call them all the time for Dad.

Wilson: How much ballet have you actually seen?
Tim: Well, counting the 30 minutes I saw today, about 36 minutes, lifetime total.
Wilson: Well, then I would have to say that your opinion is based on ignorance.
Tim: You just called me ignorant?
Wilson: Well, when it comes to ballet, I guess I did. Ignorance is a breeding ground for prejudice.
Tim: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. You ask anybody. I'm not a prejudiced guy.
Wilson: Not against people. Perhaps against ideas, though. See, Tim. Anytime a man forms an opinion that's not based on facts, then he's a fool.
Tim: Oh, great, great, great. Now I'm an ignorant, prejudiced fool.
Wilson: Mm-hm.

Tim: What gadget do you have for us today, Al?
Al: Well, Tim, I think I have an interesting item. A light bulb that is guaranteed to last 100 years.
Tim: Al, that's... that's not really that new. It's been around quite awhile.
Al: Well, perhaps. But this is guaranteed to last 100 years and I have a certificate... to prove it.
Tim: How do you know the company will be around a hundred years?
Al: Well... Uh... Someone will be held responsible.
Tim: How many of these did you buy?
Al: Well, Tim, I... [Tim knocks the bulb onto the floor] Just that one.
Tim: And they said it was good for a hundred years.

Tim: And the MiniMag 2000. Small, but powerful. 10 pounds will pick up 400 pounds. This would suck the Tin Man right through a keyhole.
Al: Well, it was designed to pick up sheet metal, so you'll want to keep it pointed... [the magnet sticks to Al's tool belt] Tim... No, no. Just slide it straight down. [the magnet sticks to a metal TV cabinet] Tim...
Tim: Pretty powerful little thing, isn't it? [the magnet pulls down the boom mike] Marv, pull it back! [the magnet pulls a camera towards Tim's face] Marv! Oh! We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.

Tim: Come sit on the couch here. I made this tape for people who are prejudiced against the ballet, OK? OK, welcome to the More Power Ballet Hour.
Jill: What?
Tim: Tonight's feature is Prince Ziegfried in Eat My Dust. [ballet video plays] Oh, it's a happy day in the village. The peasants are awaiting the arrival of the talented Prince Ziegfried. [basketball video plays] There he is, the prince now. Oh, look. The prince slam dunks. Whoo! Nice. [ballet video plays] And the peasants rejoice. But just then the evil baron escapes his dungeon. [American football video plays] And Ziegfried's army pursues him. Go, go, go, go, go! The baron is tackled at about the 37-yard line. [ballet video plays] And the peasants...
Jill: rejoice.
Tim: But Ziegfried, wanting to escape his enemies, mounts his trusted steed and pulls a 6-5 ET at 220 miles an hour. [motor racing video plays] [ballet video plays] And the peasants rejoice. Look at those guys. Hence, the title of my piece, Eat My Dust or...
Both: The Peasants Rejoice.

Tim: All right. All right. All right, guys. Attention on deck. I got all the snacks ready for the game of the century. The Pistons versus the Bulls. Michael Jordan, Isiah Thomas. [horn blows] Ah!
Brad: What'd you get?
Tim: All right. Cheese nutrition. Cheese Doodles, Cheese Oodles, Cheese Curls, Cheese Puffs - teeth-stainin', artery-blockin', stomach-bloatin'... [grunts]
Jill: Gee, no dessert?
Tim: Yes. Cheesecake. You want to join us?
Jill: You know I'd love to, but my jock is in the wash. Would you come out in the garage? I want to talk to you for a minute.
Tim: She just can't get enough of me.

Tim: What's up?
Jill: My computer crashed. I gotta go to work today and recreate all of the research for next week's lead article. It means I can't take Mark to the ballet.
Tim: Mark was really looking forward to going to Swan Lake with you. What are you gonna do?
Jill: Gonna get you to do it.
Tim: Me?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: Back the tutu up, honey.

Jill: Tim, look. Mark has really been looking forward to this ever since he saw The Nutcracker on TV. It really means a lot to him.
Tim: Give him a ticket and call him a cab.
Jill: Tim!
Tim: He can take my car. Put a pillow in there, he'll look like Grandma with just his knuckles showing. "I can't see anything."

Wilson: Boy, it's too bad you're busy today. I've got two free tickets to the Pistons/Bulls game.
Tim: Oh!
Wilson: Ohh! It's a shame. First row.
Tim: No!
Wilson: Mm-hm. Courtside.
Tim: No way! Courtside? Let me just take a look at them. This is down... these are right behind the players' bench. How did you get these?
Wilson: Radio call-in contest. They asked the name of the astronomer famous for his three laws describing the motion of the planets around the sun. And I was the 15th caller that knew that it was, indeed, Johannes Kepler.
Tim: There were 14 other people that knew that?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.