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‘Taking Jill for Granite’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Taking Jill for Granite

717. Taking Jill for Granite

Aired March 3, 1998

When Tim finally manages to find a granite guy who meets his high standards, Jill is shocked to learn it's Ian (Tom Wopat), the guy who hit on her at the gym.

Quote from Tim

Tim: For a minute there I thought you said you fired my granite guy.
Jill: I did. When I gave him a lift home, he came on to me.
Tim: You fired the granite guy?
Jill: Did you hear what I said? He came on to me.
Tim: Did he say you have a nice outfit or something?
Jill: He kissed me.
Tim: [stammers] What did you do?
Jill: I pushed him away.
Tim: Well, you should've fired him!
Jill: I did fire him!
Tim: You fired the granite guy?!

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Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location from Al's living room. Today we're gonna show you how to conserve energy. Now, a good place to start would be replacing all your old insulation. I would recommend that you-
Tim: Heidi?
Heidi: Yes?
Tim: Do tell us when the camera is rolling.
Heidi: Okay... [exits]

Quote from Tim

Jill: I feel terrible, I am really sorry.
Tim: Are you? Or maybe inside you're jumping for joy? Huh? Huh? Maybe you and Ian are just spinning a web of twisted little lies. And I am just your prawn.
Jill: Tim, a prawn is a big shrimp.
Tim: Right. You can't play chess with a crustacean.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: What made you think you couldn't be totally honest with Tim?
Jill: Well, I told myself it was because I thought he would get jealous. There might be more to it than that.
Wilson: Ah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know, I am reminded of the English writer Aleister Crowley who said that "falsehood is invariably the child of fear."
Jill: What am I afraid of? I don't know. Maybe if Tim knew that I was attracted to Ian...
Wilson: He would love you less?
Jill: Well, yeah. I mean, what kind of a person does that make me?
Wilson: A human person.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I could give you a ride.
Ian: Ah, you don't have to do that.
Jill: After you shared your lunch with me, that's the least I can do!
Ian: OK, do you mind if I leave my tools here?
Jill: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Oh, oh! But cover them up or Tim will want to play with them all night long.

Quote from Jill

Ian: You checked out my butt.
Jill: I did not!
Ian: You did so.
Jill: I did not! Well, okay, then. How could you tell if someone's checking out your butt if it's, you know, right in your face.
Ian: Well, because I saw your reflection in the window because I was checking you out.
Jill: Well, you had no business checking out a reflection in a married woman's window.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, Tim, when you said done, I had a whole different image in my mind.
Tim: Well, I finished my part. I got the cabinets in, huh?
Jill: Well, they look great.
Tim: Thank you. Now we just gotta find the right granite guy to put in the countertops.
Jill: Tim, you fired the last two granite guys 'cause you didn't like the way they measured. And then you interviewed another hundred guys. Can you just pick one?
Tim: Honey, you cannot pick a granite guy out of the phone book like you would a doctor or a lawyer! I got my feelers out.
Jill: When, realistically, do you think we can expect to have our kitchen finished?
Tim: If I could predict the future, I'd be down at the racetrack right now.

Quote from Randy

Tim: All right, guys. Hustle up, he'll be here any minute. I want everything neat and tidy.
Brad: Of course, we mustn't be messy for the granite guy.
Mark: Do I look OK for the granite guy?
Randy: You don't look OK for anybody.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Good morning.
Tim: Is that what you're wearing?
Jill: What's wrong with the clothes I'm wearing?
Tim: Nothing, if we're going to a tractor pull or something. But the granite guy is coming. [doorbell rings] Put on lipstick, do something with your hair?
Jill: Sure, and I'll put on some pearls for the plumber. God!
Tim: [opens door] Oh, hi. Patty. You're just in time for the granite guy.
Patty: I don't know what you're talking about. It's not the first time, though. Jill, I brought your psych book.
Jill: Thank you.
Tim: Look at Patty. She looks great, doesn't she? Now, she is ready for the granite guy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, I am Tim "the Landlord" Taylor and, of course, you all know my tenant, Al Borland.
Al: Now, in winter, homes consume more energy, which is why I like double glazed windows.
Tim: And double glazed donuts. Now, along with replacing windows, we just came from the basement where we put in new furnace filters.
Al: For maximum efficiently I recommend you replace the filters every 30 days.
Tim: Al's on a 30-day cycle. That explains the bloat.

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