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‘Taking Jill for Granite’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Taking Jill for Granite

717. Taking Jill for Granite

Aired March 3, 1998

When Tim finally manages to find a granite guy who meets his high standards, Jill is shocked to learn it's Ian (Tom Wopat), the guy who hit on her at the gym.

Quote from Tim

Tim: For a minute there I thought you said you fired my granite guy.
Jill: I did. When I gave him a lift home, he came on to me.
Tim: You fired the granite guy?
Jill: Did you hear what I said? He came on to me.
Tim: Did he say you have a nice outfit or something?
Jill: He kissed me.
Tim: [stammers] What did you do?
Jill: I pushed him away.
Tim: Well, you should've fired him!
Jill: I did fire him!
Tim: You fired the granite guy?!

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Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location from Al's living room. Today we're gonna show you how to conserve energy. Now, a good place to start would be replacing all your old insulation. I would recommend that you-
Tim: Heidi?
Heidi: Yes?
Tim: Do tell us when the camera is rolling.
Heidi: Okay... [exits]

Quote from Tim

Jill: I feel terrible, I am really sorry.
Tim: Are you? Or maybe inside you're jumping for joy? Huh? Huh? Maybe you and Ian are just spinning a web of twisted little lies. And I am just your prawn.
Jill: Tim, a prawn is a big shrimp.
Tim: Right. You can't play chess with a crustacean.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: What made you think you couldn't be totally honest with Tim?
Jill: Well, I told myself it was because I thought he would get jealous. There might be more to it than that.
Wilson: Ah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know, I am reminded of the English writer Aleister Crowley who said that "falsehood is invariably the child of fear."
Jill: What am I afraid of? I don't know. Maybe if Tim knew that I was attracted to Ian...
Wilson: He would love you less?
Jill: Well, yeah. I mean, what kind of a person does that make me?
Wilson: A human person.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I could give you a ride.
Ian: Ah, you don't have to do that.
Jill: After you shared your lunch with me, that's the least I can do!
Ian: OK, do you mind if I leave my tools here?
Jill: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Oh, oh! But cover them up or Tim will want to play with them all night long.

Quote from Jill

Ian: You checked out my butt.
Jill: I did not!
Ian: You did so.
Jill: I did not! Well, okay, then. How could you tell if someone's checking out your butt if it's, you know, right in your face.
Ian: Well, because I saw your reflection in the window because I was checking you out.
Jill: Well, you had no business checking out a reflection in a married woman's window.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, Tim, when you said done, I had a whole different image in my mind.
Tim: Well, I finished my part. I got the cabinets in, huh?
Jill: Well, they look great.
Tim: Thank you. Now we just gotta find the right granite guy to put in the countertops.
Jill: Tim, you fired the last two granite guys 'cause you didn't like the way they measured. And then you interviewed another hundred guys. Can you just pick one?
Tim: Honey, you cannot pick a granite guy out of the phone book like you would a doctor or a lawyer! I got my feelers out.
Jill: When, realistically, do you think we can expect to have our kitchen finished?
Tim: If I could predict the future, I'd be down at the racetrack right now.

Quote from Randy

Tim: All right, guys. Hustle up, he'll be here any minute. I want everything neat and tidy.
Brad: Of course, we mustn't be messy for the granite guy.
Mark: Do I look OK for the granite guy?
Randy: You don't look OK for anybody.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Good morning.
Tim: Is that what you're wearing?
Jill: What's wrong with the clothes I'm wearing?
Tim: Nothing, if we're going to a tractor pull or something. But the granite guy is coming. [doorbell rings] Put on lipstick, do something with your hair?
Jill: Sure, and I'll put on some pearls for the plumber. God!
Tim: [opens door] Oh, hi. Patty. You're just in time for the granite guy.
Patty: I don't know what you're talking about. It's not the first time, though. Jill, I brought your psych book.
Jill: Thank you.
Tim: Look at Patty. She looks great, doesn't she? Now, she is ready for the granite guy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, I am Tim "the Landlord" Taylor and, of course, you all know my tenant, Al Borland.
Al: Now, in winter, homes consume more energy, which is why I like double glazed windows.
Tim: And double glazed donuts. Now, along with replacing windows, we just came from the basement where we put in new furnace filters.
Al: For maximum efficiently I recommend you replace the filters every 30 days.
Tim: Al's on a 30-day cycle. That explains the bloat.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right now, next up... Next up, we're, uh, we're gonna look for the greatest source of energy loss, air leaks!
Tim: You can usually find one underneath the front door.
Al: That's right. A simple way to fix that, put in a door sweep as a barrier.
Tim: An easy do-it-yourself fix.
Al: Let's get to work.
Tim: Ooh, Al, I see another draft. [sighs] It's a cold one. [drinks beer]

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome back to our continuing effort to make Al's place energy efficient.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. We now give you... [fanfare plays]
Tim & Al: The board door!
Al: Now, a board door is the most effective way to detect air leaks in your home.
Tim: It does that by creating a vacuum inside the house, pulling outside air through any cracks and openings.
Al: And since you can't see air...
Tim: Unless you live in Los Angeles. [chuckles] Oh, that's not pollution, that's a marine layer!

Quote from Tim

Al: We're gonna use this generator to create smoke so we can then see our leaks. [Tim blows smoke in Al's face] Thank you, Tim. Now have you sealed up the house, all the doors, windows, vents?
Tim: You bet I have.
Al: Then we're ready to see leaks.
Tim: But first off, let's make sure that the fireplace flue is shut. A good way to remember that is to close the flue, pull towards you. Push away, make fire today. My grandfather taught me that.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right Tim why don't you go outside and crank up the smoke?
Tim: Can I turn on the blower?
Al: All right.
Tim: It's a great control panel. Look at this bad boy, huh?
Al: You might not want to tweak it that high.
Tim: The faster we tweak, the faster we find our leak. My grandma taught me that one.

Quote from Jill

Ian: I know. Look, I'm sorry, I feel like a idiot. Believe me, tomorrow everything's going to be strictly business.
Jill: Uh, uh. No. I don't think there should be a tomorrow.
Ian: What do you mean?
Jill: I'm not going to feel comfortable having you finish this.
Ian: Who's going to install the rest of the granite?
Jill: Well, I do happen to be married to Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.
Ian: [chuckles] Well, good luck.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Now, come on, you're getting paranoid.
Tim: Am I?
Jill: I had no idea that this was gonna turn out this way. All I wanted was for you not to fire another guy and for us to get our kitchen finished.
Tim: Did you? Maybe you secretly have the hots for the granite man.
Jill: I don't have the hots for any man!
Tim: Hmm.
Jill: Look you know what I mean, well... You... You probably have plenty of secrets from me!
Tim: No, I don't. You always talk about trust in this marriage. You do something like this and you break it.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: What I am asking you is, how honest is a person supposed to be in relationship?
Wilson: Well, Jill, I always believed in being totally honest.
Jill: You have?
Wilson: Which might explain why I haven't had a decent relationship in over 20 years.
Jill: So, maybe it's not such a good idea to be totally honest.
Wilson: Well, it depends on the relationship.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Well, I was extremely human today. I even snuck a peek at this guy's... [finds Wilson bent over in his igloo] butt.
Wilson: Well, Jill, that's no big deal. If I had a nickel for every married woman at the library who checked out my butt, I could pay everybody's overdue fines.
Jill: Well, I wish that I could, you know, go ahead and be honest with him and tell him I was attracted to Ian.
Wilson: Maybe you should.
Jill: You know, when it comes to the really big stuff, Tim doesn't keep any secrets from me.
Wilson: Or me!

Quote from Tim

[Tim answers the door to Ian]
Tim: [grunting] [title: "What are you doing here?"]
Ian: [muttering] [title: "I came for my tools."]
Tim: [grunting] [title: "Here you go."]
Ian: [grunting] [title: "I'm sorry about what happened with your wife."]
Tim: [inquisitive grunt] [title: "What about 'my knife'?"]
Ian: [grunting] [title: "I said, 'your wife'."]
Tim: [short grunt] [title: "I'm sorry it came to this. You're a hell of a granite guy. Maybe the best there ever was."]
Ian: [grunts] [title: "Thanks. See you."]
Tim: [grunts] [title: "Jokes on him. I kept his best chisel."] [grunting laughter]

Quote from Tim

Tim: The god of granite just smiled on us!
Jill: Meaning?
Tim: We hired the best guy in the state.
Jill: Yes!
Tim: Well, apparently the couple he was working for split up. She got the sport ute and the house, he got the Shih Tzu. And we got the granite guy!

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