Tim: Well, how would you like it if you were in an auction and some other neighbor behind a fence made 400 more dollars than you?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'd be hi-de-hurt.
Tim: That's how I felt. I started doubting myself you know? I felt worthless.
Wilson: Well, Tim, it's been said that when a foot compares itself to a yard it always comes up short.
Tim: So you're saying that Vila's the yard, and I'm the foot, and he's better than me, right?
Wilson: Well, only if you perceive him as being better. OK. A philosopher once said, "If you place a small value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price." [chuckles]
Tim: But if I believe in myself I could win this.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. If you believe in yourself you've already won.

Tim: Please bear with my wife, this is the first time she's ever been an auctioneer.
Jill: [bangs gavel] I'm gonna open the bidding at one hundred dollars.
Man: One hundred dollars.
Jill: [auctioneer voice] I got a hundred, hundred, hundred... Do I hear a hundred and a quarter, hundred and a quarter, hundred and a quarter?
Woman: Two hundred.
Jill: Two hundred from the lovely lady in the denim shirt. Do I hear three hundred, three hundred, three hundred? Talk to me, talk to me, swing, batter, swing. Come on, people. Stop sitting on your hands. This is big Bob Vila, the man who's the reason why men like my husband have a job.
Man: Seven hundred.
Jill: Woohoo! Seven hundred! [auctioneer voice] Seven hundred, seven hundred, seven hundred, going once, going twice... Sold for seven hundred smackeroonies to the man with the wonderful smile. Hope you're very happy with your tool man.

Al: I'm telling you, seven hundred dollars... Seven hundred dollars is a lot of money, but he is worth it.
Tim: Petty cash. Wait till you see what I go for. Sit down, Bob.
Jill: All right, ladies and germs, you now have the chance to bid on the toast of Tool Time, the host of Tool Time, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. I'm going to open the bidding at one hundred dollars. A hundred, a hundred, a hundred... A hundred.
Woman: A hundred dollars!
Jill: A hundred dollars. Do I hear two hundred dollars, two hundred dollars, two hundred, two hundred? Just remember this man will do to your house what he does here every day.
Al: Maybe we should auction off some homeowners' insurance first.

Randy: Good work, Dad. It's so quiet, you can't even tell it's running.
Tim: It's the solenoid, I think.
Jill: Hey, guys. How's it going?
Randy: Dad's taking a ride in the hot rod. Hey, Dad, slow down! Let Mom get in!
Tim: I'm telling you, please pipe down.
Randy: Uh-oh, there's someone on your tail. Is it Bob Vila? No, it's a little kid on a tricycle.
Tim: Would you shut up?

Tim: What are you waiting for? Something to explode?
Randy: No.
Tim: You don't want to go for a ride, do you?
Randy: I want to go for a ride. I just want to tell you that your car looks great.
Tim: And?
Randy: And that I think you can beat Bob Vila tomorrow.
Tim: Really? I sure hope so. A great philosopher said once, "If your feet are short, and you don't raise your prices, you're destined for yard sales."

Tim: You know how they have those studly celebrity auctions? We could do that on Tool Time. People would pay a lot of money to have a handsome tool guy stop by and fix stuff.
Jill: Do you think Al would do that?

Randy: Anyway, my money's on you. I mean, you got a 350 V8 and 500 pounds of torque in this puppy.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt] Randy, you're starting to sound like me.
Randy: [grunts] Oh, no, don't want that.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, you do.
Randy: [grunts] Oh, I don't know about that.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, ho, ho, yeah...

Jill: Oh, man, I can't believe it.
Tim: What's the matter?
Jill: I still haven't reached my fundraising goal for the library. Where am I gonna get another thousand dollars?
Tim: Well, you could pay the fine on that library book I've had out for seven years. I'm almost done with it.
Jill: If I could just reach this fundraising goal I'd be out of the fundraising business forever. No more kissing up to people, planning stupid events. I'd be a whole different person.
Tim: Forget the book, I got the grand right here.

Jill: What's that supposed to mean?
Tim: Honey, snookums. Loverbuns, come on. This fundraising doesn't actually bring out the best in you. You've been almost as unbearable as you were during childbirth.
Jill: I'd like to see how pleasant you'd be giving birth.
Tim: Hey. I'd be huge giving birth. Cracking jokes, doing impressions. "Look, sumo man. Look at me, look at me." I would cut the umbilical cord with Binford 6100 hedge clippers.
Jill: Great way for baby to begin life, seeing you coming at him with hedge clippers.

Tim: Bob, what brings you to Detroit?
Bob Vila: I just showed my hot rod at the custom car show over at Cobo Hall.
Tim: You built a hot rod?
Bob Vila: Actually, I had it built by some experts.
Tim: I built my own.
Bob Vila: That's nice, Tim. But mine actually runs. [Al laughs]