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‘The Great Race II’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Great Race II

325. The Great Race II

Aired May 25, 1994

Tim goes up against Bob Vila in a charity "stud" auction on Tool Time to help Jill raise money for the library.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, how would you like it if you were in an auction and some other neighbor behind a fence made 400 more dollars than you?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'd be hi-de-hurt.
Tim: That's how I felt. I started doubting myself you know? I felt worthless.
Wilson: Well, Tim, it's been said that when a foot compares itself to a yard it always comes up short.
Tim: So you're saying that Vila's the yard, and I'm the foot, and he's better than me, right?
Wilson: Well, only if you perceive him as being better. OK. A philosopher once said, "If you place a small value on yourself, rest assured the world will not raise your price." [chuckles]
Tim: But if I believe in myself I could win this.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. If you believe in yourself you've already won.

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Quote from Jill

Tim: Please bear with my wife, this is the first time she's ever been an auctioneer.
Jill: [bangs gavel] I'm gonna open the bidding at one hundred dollars.
Man: One hundred dollars.
Jill: [auctioneer voice] I got a hundred, hundred, hundred... Do I hear a hundred and a quarter, hundred and a quarter, hundred and a quarter?
Woman: Two hundred.
Jill: Two hundred from the lovely lady in the denim shirt. Do I hear three hundred, three hundred, three hundred? Talk to me, talk to me, swing, batter, swing. Come on, people. Stop sitting on your hands. This is big Bob Vila, the man who's the reason why men like my husband have a job.
Man: Seven hundred.
Jill: Woohoo! Seven hundred! [auctioneer voice] Seven hundred, seven hundred, seven hundred, going once, going twice... Sold for seven hundred smackeroonies to the man with the wonderful smile. Hope you're very happy with your tool man.

Quote from Al

Al: I'm telling you, seven hundred dollars... Seven hundred dollars is a lot of money, but he is worth it.
Tim: Petty cash. Wait till you see what I go for. Sit down, Bob.
Jill: All right, ladies and germs, you now have the chance to bid on the toast of Tool Time, the host of Tool Time, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. I'm going to open the bidding at one hundred dollars. A hundred, a hundred, a hundred... A hundred.
Woman: A hundred dollars!
Jill: A hundred dollars. Do I hear two hundred dollars, two hundred dollars, two hundred, two hundred? Just remember this man will do to your house what he does here every day.
Al: Maybe we should auction off some homeowners' insurance first.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Good work, Dad. It's so quiet, you can't even tell it's running.
Tim: It's the solenoid, I think.
Jill: Hey, guys. How's it going?
Randy: Dad's taking a ride in the hot rod. Hey, Dad, slow down! Let Mom get in!
Tim: I'm telling you, please pipe down.
Randy: Uh-oh, there's someone on your tail. Is it Bob Vila? No, it's a little kid on a tricycle.
Tim: Would you shut up?

Quote from Tim

Tim: What are you waiting for? Something to explode?
Randy: No.
Tim: You don't want to go for a ride, do you?
Randy: I want to go for a ride. I just want to tell you that your car looks great.
Tim: And?
Randy: And that I think you can beat Bob Vila tomorrow.
Tim: Really? I sure hope so. A great philosopher said once, "If your feet are short, and you don't raise your prices, you're destined for yard sales."

Quote from Jill

Tim: You know how they have those studly celebrity auctions? We could do that on Tool Time. People would pay a lot of money to have a handsome tool guy stop by and fix stuff.
Jill: Do you think Al would do that?

Quote from Randy

Randy: Anyway, my money's on you. I mean, you got a 350 V8 and 500 pounds of torque in this puppy.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt] Randy, you're starting to sound like me.
Randy: [grunts] Oh, no, don't want that.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, you do.
Randy: [grunts] Oh, I don't know about that.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, ho, ho, yeah...

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, man, I can't believe it.
Tim: What's the matter?
Jill: I still haven't reached my fundraising goal for the library. Where am I gonna get another thousand dollars?
Tim: Well, you could pay the fine on that library book I've had out for seven years. I'm almost done with it.
Jill: If I could just reach this fundraising goal I'd be out of the fundraising business forever. No more kissing up to people, planning stupid events. I'd be a whole different person.
Tim: Forget the book, I got the grand right here.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What's that supposed to mean?
Tim: Honey, snookums. Loverbuns, come on. This fundraising doesn't actually bring out the best in you. You've been almost as unbearable as you were during childbirth.
Jill: I'd like to see how pleasant you'd be giving birth.
Tim: Hey. I'd be huge giving birth. Cracking jokes, doing impressions. "Look, sumo man. Look at me, look at me." I would cut the umbilical cord with Binford 6100 hedge clippers.
Jill: Great way for baby to begin life, seeing you coming at him with hedge clippers.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Bob, what brings you to Detroit?
Bob Vila: I just showed my hot rod at the custom car show over at Cobo Hall.
Tim: You built a hot rod?
Bob Vila: Actually, I had it built by some experts.
Tim: I built my own.
Bob Vila: That's nice, Tim. But mine actually runs. [Al laughs]

Quote from Jill

Jill: Come on, people, I got a hundred dollars. Do I hear one-fifty, one-fifty, one-fifty?
Tim: Guy in the back. Two hundred, he says.
Al: I didn't see a hand.
Tim: He's got gloves on.
Jill: OK, we have two hundred dollars. Do I hear three hundred, three hundred, three hundred? Somebody give me three hundred. Anybody give me three hundred, anybody, anybody. Nobody. All right. I bid three hundred dollars.
Al: You can't bid, you're the auctioneer.
Jill: It's my auction and I'll bid if I want to. Three hundred dollars. Going once, going twice. Going home with me for three hundred dollars. [bangs gavel]
Tim: Wait, you put the gavel down too fast. The guy in the back. Speak up, sir.
Man: How can I get tickets to Bob Vila's show?

Quote from Randy

Jill: It was great. Bob Vila showed up and the bidding went wild.
Randy: How'd dad do?
Jill: Good. Real good. In fact, he was bought by a very attractive woman.
Randy: How much did you pay for him?
Jill: Doesn't matter how much I paid for him.

Quote from Randy

Brad: How much did Bob Vila go for?
Jill: It's not important.
Randy: Vila kicked his butt, huh?
Jill: You might say that. Just don't say it in front of your father. And I mean it, Randy.
Tim: Hi, guys. [the boys look at Tim] Why you looking at me like that? 'Cause Bob Vila kicked my butt again?
Randy: Well, since the ice is broken... That must have been pretty embarrassing, huh, Dad?
Tim: Thank you, honey.
Randy: He brought it up.

Quote from Tim

Bob Vila: Thank you, Al.
Al: Oh, no, thank you, Bob. It was the thrill of a lifetime.
Tim: What'd you guys do? Go to Beards R Us?
Al: No. Bob took me for a ride in his new hot rod. It's unbelievable. He has a turbocharged two-liter engine with 370 horsepower. And the whole body is made out of aluminum.
Tim: Big deal. My whole hot rod body is made out of fiberglass. And we all know how fast fiber makes you move.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wait a minute, wait. That's it. Why don't we race our hot rods, all right? Meet me at that old airport, the military one on I-94, tomorrow.
Bob Vila: You're on.
Tim: OK. We'll even tape it for Tool Time, so the audience can watch me kick your tailpipes right back to That Old House.
Bob Vila: Tim, the show I do now is called Home Again.
Tim: OK, Bob. Kick your tailpipes Home Again.
Bob Vila: We'll see about that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. Now we just gotta check the oil. How's it look?
Brad: It's hard to see.
Tim: That's 'cause it's clean. That oil's so clean, you add a little oregano and vinegar, you got a salad dressing.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Damn!
Jill: Is it my imagination, or are you a bit on edge tonight?
Tim: How would you feel if your solenoid was stuck?
Jill: First I'd cry, and then I'd want to know what a solenoid is.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. Just 'cause you can't get the car started is no reason to jump all over me, or Randy.
Tim: Well, I'm sorry, honey, but I'm in a race tomorrow and the car won't start.
Jill: Why don't you just call Bob Vila and ask him if you can race him on Sunday?
Tim: Because I already told him the car was running.
Jill: Why did you do that?
Tim: I don't know. Why does sauerkraut go through me like a laser beam?

Quote from Tim

Tim: I need to get a new solenoid. I've got to find an auto parts store that's open 24 hours.
Jill: Well, what can I do to help?
Tim: Get a hammer...
Jill: Yeah?
Tim: and four big nails.
Jill: Yeah?
Tim: Go to Bob's hotel and puncture all his tires.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Honey, I thank you the most because you didn't get jealous, even though I spent more time with the hot rod than with you.
Jill: Oh, I didn't mind that. I just didn't like it when you got us mixed up and tried to rotate my legs.
Tim: You get better mileage now.

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