Detective Roberts: Do we have anything to link her to the crime scene? A black cat? A broom?
Tim: How about her amulet that she wore around her neck? It's right here. Hey, look at that. It's my fez. I've been looking all over for this thing.
Detective Roberts: Your fez? What happened to the amulet?
Tim: Well... I had it in my hand.
Detective Roberts: You tampered with the crime scene?
Tim: I did not know it was a crime. I did not know it at the time.
Detective Roberts: Dr. Seuss claims there was a witch.

Tim: Guys, guys, forget about me. Shouldn't we be looking for Wilson?
Detective Roberts: Yeah. We'll get that in motion as soon as you give us some more information. Now, look, Tim. Can I call you Tim?
Tim: I'd like that.
Detective Roberts: You really had no idea about your neighbor's financial situation?
Tim: No, no. I mean, he's a real simple guy. He eats squirrel. And he's been wearing the same hat for 15 years.

Tim: I'm innocent. I've been framed, here. Honey, say something about...
Agatha: We just need a positive ID on the body.
Tim: Body?
Agatha: Bring it in. [the sheet is pulled back to the end of Wilson's nose]
Detective MacIntyre: Is this Mr. Wilson?
Jill: Oh, God! Yeah.
Brad: Why'd you do it, Dad?
Tim: I didn't do anything.
Wilson: Boo! [Tim screams] [everyone else cheers and laughs] He never saw it coming! Got ya!
Heidi: You are the king.
Wilson: I am the king!

Brad: Who's Agatha?
Jill: She's that witch that Wilson was dating.
Brad: Mom, it's okay. I'm old enough. You can say the "B" word.

Brad: Dad, you gotta face it. It's a fact of life, you know? People grow up.
Tim: How do you explain me?
Brad: I gave up a long time ago.

Tim: Today, in the spirit of Halloween, we're gonna take a fresh look at a room in the house that's gotten a pretty bad name.
Al: The torture chamber. [man screams]
Tim: You know, I don't really call it a torture chamber, I call it a room of misunderstood machines.
Al: Misunderstood?
Tim: Yes. To "The Tool Man," there's no bad machines, there's just bad people. I mean, any device in the wrong hands can cause pain and suffering.
Al: Well, you certainly prove that every week.

Tim: I told him about the witch. Tell them about the witch at the party.
Jill: Oh. She seemed very nice.
Detective MacIntyre: Can you corroborate your husband's whereabouts during the time of Mr. Wilson's disappearance?
Jill: Oh, yes, I can. He was with me the whole time.
Tim: Thank you, honey.
Jill: Except for that 45 minutes in the middle of the night.
Tim: I was in the bathroom.
Detective Roberts: Alone?
Jill: Believe me, nobody would go in there with him.

Tim: I've heard this happened to other guys my age. But I just never thought it would happen to me. I can't perform.
Jill: You were great last night.
Tim: Not that! Gags! I used to be the king of pranks on Halloween. So far today, nothing.
Jill: Well, look, you got 16 hours left. I'm sure you can come up with something totally gross and disgusting.
Tim: You're just saying that.
Jill: No, no. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. But really, I gotta go pick up those costumes for the party, okay? I'll see you later.
[As Jill opens the door to the garage, a skeleton drops from the ceiling. Jill takes a moment to react.]
Jill: Oh! Oh, man! That was so really scary!

Tim: Now look over here. A perfect example of a French Revolution guillotine.
Al: All right. I'm gonna play along about this fake arm. Okay, Tim! Now, you want to be very careful with this machine, you know? Because it can be very, very dangerous.
Tim: Does this look like a fake arm? Is this fake to you? It looks pretty real to me! Fake arm. It took two people to operate the guillotine. Mon Dieu. You put la tête in here.
Al: La tête?
Tim: And then you pull this here. [screams] The pain! The pain!
Al: Are you happy now? Can we go on with the rest of the show?
Tim: I need to scare somebody. Didn't it scare anybody?
Al: Oh, well, I... Yes, I was... I'm sure our audience was terrified. Let's have a big hand for Tim "The Scary Man" Taylor! That was very scary! As a matter of fact, let's have a hand for his big, stupid, fat...
[Al screams as he goes to grab Tim's plastic hand and a hand grabs him]
Tim: I'm the king, baby! I'm the king!

Tim: Oh! Wilson, help, help, help! Oh! Oh, I put... [Wilson finds Tim with a bloodied ax stuck in his shoe]
Wilson: Oh, my God, Tim! Put direct pressure on it. I'll call 911.
Tim: Wait a minute. Hold on. You know what you should do first?
Wilson: Yes? Yes?
Tim: Let's see if the shoe fits you. [laughs]
Wilson: Oh, my God, Tim! Are you trying to kill me?
Mozart: Tim, are you trying to kill me? Tim, are you trying to kill me?
Wilson: I mean, I nearly had a heart attack.
Tim: You're not just saying that?
Wilson: Well, I'm still hyperventilating. I am the king! I'm the king!