Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Bewitched’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Bewitched

806. Bewitched

Aired October 27, 1998

Tim fears he's lost the ability to scare people when his Halloween pranks fall flat. After Tim encourages Wilson to break up from his new girlfriend at a Halloween party, Wilson mysteriously vanishes.

Quote from Tim

Detective Roberts: Do we have anything to link her to the crime scene? A black cat? A broom?
Tim: How about her amulet that she wore around her neck? It's right here. Hey, look at that. It's my fez. I've been looking all over for this thing.
Detective Roberts: Your fez? What happened to the amulet?
Tim: Well... I had it in my hand.
Detective Roberts: You tampered with the crime scene?
Tim: I did not know it was a crime. I did not know it at the time.
Detective Roberts: Dr. Seuss claims there was a witch.

Rate

Quote from Tim

Tim: Guys, guys, forget about me. Shouldn't we be looking for Wilson?
Detective Roberts: Yeah. We'll get that in motion as soon as you give us some more information. Now, look, Tim. Can I call you Tim?
Tim: I'd like that.
Detective Roberts: You really had no idea about your neighbor's financial situation?
Tim: No, no. I mean, he's a real simple guy. He eats squirrel. And he's been wearing the same hat for 15 years.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I'm innocent. I've been framed, here. Honey, say something about...
Agatha: We just need a positive ID on the body.
Tim: Body?
Agatha: Bring it in. [the sheet is pulled back to the end of Wilson's nose]
Detective MacIntyre: Is this Mr. Wilson?
Jill: Oh, God! Yeah.
Brad: Why'd you do it, Dad?
Tim: I didn't do anything.
Wilson: Boo! [Tim screams] [everyone else cheers and laughs] He never saw it coming! Got ya!
Heidi: You are the king.
Wilson: I am the king!

Quote from Brad

Brad: Who's Agatha?
Jill: She's that witch that Wilson was dating.
Brad: Mom, it's okay. I'm old enough. You can say the "B" word.

Quote from Al

Tim: Today, in the spirit of Halloween, we're gonna take a fresh look at a room in the house that's gotten a pretty bad name.
Al: The torture chamber. [man screams]
Tim: You know, I don't really call it a torture chamber, I call it a room of misunderstood machines.
Al: Misunderstood?
Tim: Yes. To "The Tool Man," there's no bad machines, there's just bad people. I mean, any device in the wrong hands can cause pain and suffering.
Al: Well, you certainly prove that every week.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I told him about the witch. Tell them about the witch at the party.
Jill: Oh. She seemed very nice.
Detective MacIntyre: Can you corroborate your husband's whereabouts during the time of Mr. Wilson's disappearance?
Jill: Oh, yes, I can. He was with me the whole time.
Tim: Thank you, honey.
Jill: Except for that 45 minutes in the middle of the night.
Tim: I was in the bathroom.
Detective Roberts: Alone?
Jill: Believe me, nobody would go in there with him.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Dad, you gotta face it. It's a fact of life, you know? People grow up.
Tim: How do you explain me?
Brad: I gave up a long time ago.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I've heard this happened to other guys my age. But I just never thought it would happen to me. I can't perform.
Jill: You were great last night.
Tim: Not that! Gags! I used to be the king of pranks on Halloween. So far today, nothing.
Jill: Well, look, you got 16 hours left. I'm sure you can come up with something totally gross and disgusting.
Tim: You're just saying that.
Jill: No, no. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. But really, I gotta go pick up those costumes for the party, okay? I'll see you later.
[As Jill opens the door to the garage, a skeleton drops from the ceiling. Jill takes a moment to react.]
Jill: Oh! Oh, man! That was so really scary!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now look over here. A perfect example of a French Revolution guillotine.
Al: All right. I'm gonna play along about this fake arm. Okay, Tim! Now, you want to be very careful with this machine, you know? Because it can be very, very dangerous.
Tim: Does this look like a fake arm? Is this fake to you? It looks pretty real to me! Fake arm. It took two people to operate the guillotine. Mon Dieu. You put la tête in here.
Al: La tête?
Tim: And then you pull this here. [screams] The pain! The pain!
Al: Are you happy now? Can we go on with the rest of the show?
Tim: I need to scare somebody. Didn't it scare anybody?
Al: Oh, well, I... Yes, I was... I'm sure our audience was terrified. Let's have a big hand for Tim "The Scary Man" Taylor! That was very scary! As a matter of fact, let's have a hand for his big, stupid, fat...
[Al screams as he goes to grab Tim's plastic hand and a hand grabs him]
Tim: I'm the king, baby! I'm the king!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Oh! Wilson, help, help, help! Oh! Oh, I put... [Wilson finds Tim with a bloodied ax stuck in his shoe]
Wilson: Oh, my God, Tim! Put direct pressure on it. I'll call 911.
Tim: Wait a minute. Hold on. You know what you should do first?
Wilson: Yes? Yes?
Tim: Let's see if the shoe fits you. [laughs]
Wilson: Oh, my God, Tim! Are you trying to kill me?
Mozart: Tim, are you trying to kill me? Tim, are you trying to kill me?
Wilson: I mean, I nearly had a heart attack.
Tim: You're not just saying that?
Wilson: Well, I'm still hyperventilating. I am the king! I'm the king!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Great party. So, what's with Agatha?
Wilson: Oh, you think she's odd, don't you?
Tim: Well, I don't know. "Odd" is kind of a strong word. Confusing, interesting, and kind of...
Wilson: Oh, Tim, you think she's mildly delusional.
Tim: I think she's a certifiable nut case, to be honest with you.
Wilson: I find her a little bit peculiar myself.
Tim: Well, why is she still your special friend, then?
Wilson: Tim, I've tried to break up with her three times, but she won't take no for an answer. I mean, have you ever dated a woman who scared you? [Tim waves to Jill] I mean, if you were in my position, what would you do?
Tim: Well, like you would tell me. I mean... You gotta be honest, straightforward. Tell her that it's just, you know, nicely, that it's over.
Wilson: Yes.
Tim: And if that doesn't work, drop a house on her.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, I just steered Wilson's romantic life in the right direction.
Jill: What are you talking about?
Tim: Well, he wasn't getting along with his new special friend. So I suggested he just call it off.
Jill: Tim, you shouldn't be butting into his personal life! I can't believe he listened to you!
Tim: We're very close friends, you know? He trusts me. We talk about emotional stuff. You know, I'm a lot more perceptive than you give me credit for.
Jill: Really?
Tim: Yes.
Jill: Your tail's on fire.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wilson's phone is still busy.
Tim: It's probably Agatha trying to yak her way back into his life.
Brad: Hey, guys. When's dinner? I'm starving.
Tim: We're waiting for Wilson. He was supposed to be here for dinner 30 minutes ago.
Jill: This is not like Wilson. He's usually very punctual.
Tim: Well, maybe the wind shifted, he caught a whiff of your meat loaf.

Quote from Brad

Tim: You guys stay here. I'll go over there. But I'm gonna need some protection, guys.
[Tim picks up a pan lid and a meat fork]
Brad: Well, that's a great weapon if you're attacked by a brisket.

Quote from Tim

Detective Roberts: Do you know of anyone who might hold a grudge against Mr. Wilson?
Tim: Yeah. This Agatha.
Detective Roberts: You got a last name?
Tim: No.
Detective Roberts: Can you give me a description?
Tim: Yeah. She was about 5'7", blonde hair, good-looking, a witch. A witch?
Detective Roberts: I better call the boys from the Emerald City precinct.
Tim: No, no, no. She said she was a real witch.

Quote from Jill

Brad: Hey, Dad. What's going on?
Tim: Well, McMillan and Wife think I had something to do with his disappearance.
Brad: You?
Detective MacIntyre: My name is Maclntyre.
Detective Roberts: I'm Roberts.
Jill: I'm Taylor.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Little Mozart. Little Mozart. Little... Mozart! Where are you?
Tim: [o.s.] Hey, Wilson! He's up here! Somehow he got out of the cage. He's up here on this wire!
Wilson: Tim, you be careful!
Tim: [o.s.] It's okay. I got him. He's right next to me. Come here, Mozart! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... [screams]
Wilson: Oh, my God! Oh, Lord! Tim! Tim! Tim, are you all right? Tim?
[As Wilson checks on the body that fell from the roof, Tim walks up behind him]
Tim: [chuckles] Who's the king now?
Mozart: Tim's the king. Tim's the king.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wow, is it Halloween already? Geez! It slipped my mind. Before you guys go, would one of you get me some juice?
Brad: Okay.
[When Brad opens the refrigerator, it is filled with bloody plastic heads. Brad grabs one]
Brad: Oh, cute, Dad.
Mark: Nice head.
Tim: Cute?
Brad: Did I say cute? I meant terrifying! Ooh!
Tim: That didn't shock you at all?
Mark: I tried to be scared.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Good morning, sweetie.
Tim: Good morning!
Jill: I have so many things to do today, I don't even know where to get started.
Tim: Hey, you could start off with a nice hot, relaxing cup of tea.
Jill: Oh, that's a good idea.
[When Jill turns on the tap, a bloody plastic limb pops out of the disposal]
Jill: Oh, my God! Today is Halloween! I almost forgot. I gotta go pick up those costumes before Wilson's party tonight.
Tim: Honey?
Jill: What? [off Tim's look] Oh! I'm sorry, honey. That was really an adorable gag.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Can we take a look at our first device over here?
Al: What's wrong with your hands?
Tim: Nothing. Nothing at all. Just fell asleep backstage. I'll do this... [hammers his "hand"] Probably be up all night now. All right. Now, look at this. You don't see craftsmanship like this anymore.
Al: Thank goodness! This happens to be a rack. It was used to pull people apart.
Tim: But not today! Today it's a lovely fabric stretcher. Just follow me. Let's say you've shrunk your wife's favorite sweater, right? A few cranks on this bad boy, it is good as new.
Al: If your wife happens to be an orangutan.
Tim: Don't rule it out, buddy. Your old clock is ticking, Al. And I mean that in a very nice way.
Al: You know, I'm not falling for this ridiculously fake arm for one second!
Tim: What are you talking about, fake arms? I have a pinched nerve. You laughing at that? Never mind him.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode