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‘Insult to Injury’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Insult to Injury

621. Insult to Injury

Aired April 15, 1997

After Tim finds out he is about to break Bob Vila's record for the most consecutive appearances on a tool show, he injures himself on Tool Time and winds up in the hospital.

Quote from Al

Tim: Never in my wildest dreams did I believe I could break Bob Vila's record.
Al: I believed in you.
Tim: Yeah?
Al: Oh, yeah. The minute I met you, I knew you could break anything.

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Quote from Randy

Jill: Brad, put your napkin in your lap.
Tim: Mark, pass me the meat. Don't stick your finger in the gravy, please.
Jill: Now, we're going to go around the table and find out how everybody's doing. Randy, put something green on your plate.
Randy: I did. It's the meatloaf.
Jill: Very funny.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, guys, come on, there must be something you want to share, something you're looking forward to.
Mark: Well, I'm really looking forward to going to the air show with Dad next Sunday.
Tim: Nothing better for a father and son than all day sucking on corn dogs and breathing toxic jet fumes. Yeah!
Randy: Gosh, Dad, you make it sound so appealing.
Jill: Don't knock it. Your father and Mark look forward every year to sucking up those toxic fumes together.
Mark: This year the Blue Angels are performing.
Tim: That's right. You guys remember when the Blue Angels let me ride in the back of the airplane?
Brad: Yeah, they'll never forget it. They spent a week hosing it out.
Tim: You know what I read this year? They're going to bring an F-117 to simulate a bomb run.
Mark: Ooh. Are they dropping the Mark 54s or the Mavericks?
Tim: Both.
Mark: All right.
Jill: Isn't this great? Having a conversation just like a family.
Randy: Yeah, nothing brings a family together like bomb talk.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time.
Al: Today we're going to talk about vises in the workshop.
Tim: Simple. Just don't drink or gamble when you use the bench grinder.
Al: We're talking about bench vises.

Quote from Tim

Tim: There's a little problem with me staying here tomorrow.
Dr. Knell: What's that?
Tim: No can do. I'm breaking Vila's record on Tool Time tomorrow.
Dr. Knell: What's Tool Time?
Tim: [laughs] Now you're going to tell me you don't know who Bob Vila is.
Dr. Knell: No, I know who Bob Vila is.

Quote from Jill

Jill: It's just a stupid record. Having the permanent use of your arms is more important.
Tim: There's a solution here. I've got the solution.
Jill: Yeah, listen to the doctor.
Tim: No, no, we'll just do Tool Time here. We'll bring the steamroller here. Your wheelchair ramps need repaving.
Jill: You can't work the day after surgery.
Dr. Knell: It's out of the question. How can you even think of doing a TV show when you're injured?
Jill: You really haven't seen his show.

Quote from Tim

Dr. Knell: [on the phone] And you're the prettiest nurse in Dialysis, Becky... No, I mean it. I'll see you Saturday night. Yeah, love you.
Tim: [imitates machine beep]
Dr. Knell: I gotta go.
Tim: Gotcha, huh?

Quote from Tim

Tim: [inner monologue] I don't need rest. I feel great. I'm the Tool Man. A separated shoulder shouldn't stop me. Heck, I once did a show with three broken ribs and my hair on fire! Well, that was easy. Now, I'll just go to the location, break Vila's record and come right back. [reaches for a shirt in the wardrobe] [screams] Mental note, lifting is bad. [flips off the bed as he rocks back and forth trying to put on his socks] Mental note, next time wear sandals.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Brad, Randy, Mark, we're heading to the hospital to see Dad.
Mark: I'm bringing his Blue Angels sweatshirt.
Randy: Something he has to pull over his head. Thoughtful gift for a guy who just had shoulder surgery.
Jill: I'll help him put it on. I'm calling him, tell him we're coming.
Brad: Hey, instead of those boring family dinners, maybe we can all get together and dress Dad.
Randy: Yeah! And then tomorrow, the family bath.
Brad: There we go!
Jill: Very funny. There's no answer. He was pretty wiped out after the surgery. He's probably still sleeping.
Randy: Let's go wake him up as a family.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, he wasn't released and nobody's seen him.
Randy: Maybe we should check the psycho ward.
Jill: That was the first place I looked.
Mark: The suitcase is here, but there's no clothes in it.
Jill: So... he got dressed and left, and... [they all look up at the TV] ...oh, no.

Quote from Randy

Al: Tim, shouldn't you be in the hospital?
Jill: [watching TV at the hospital] Yes, he should.
Tim: This is one good-looking steamroller. I think it actually looks better in person.
Brad: [at the hospital] He wouldn't.
Mark: [at the hospital] He couldn't.
Randy: [at the hospital] He's Dad.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I hear a little boy crying. Please tell me he didn't run over the little boy.

Quote from Tim

Gary: You smooshed my car, you big stupidhead.
Tim: It's gonna be all right, kid. Look. Well...
Gary: [crying]
Tim: It's all right. Hey, I'll get you another one... a better one.
Gary: [sniffles] That was my favorite car.
Tim: Come on! Come on, hey! We're on TV. And nobody likes a crybaby, right? You know, it's situations like this that tend to make a kid stronger. I remember a slogan, "Into everyone's life some rain must fall." Right, folks? Right? Boy, that's a big shadow! Is your Dad home? [Gary nods] Is he standing right behind me? [Gary nods] He's a big man, isn't he? [Gary nods] Is he smiling? [Gary shakes his head]
Gary's Father: You know, there's an old saying. "In everyone's life, a little rain must fall." Well, I hope you got a big umbrella, buddy.
[The man picks Tim up and swings him around in the air]

Quote from Brad

Brad: Wow. Looks like Dad's putting on his own air show.

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, good patient.
Tim: Hi, Wilson. I didn't know you were a surgeon.
Wilson: Well, I'm not. Usually I'm a volunteer down at the gift shop, but, today they're letting me cut! So, what are we working on today? Gall bladder, circumcision?
Tim: Oh, no, no. It's a shoulder... a shoulder problem. Probably could use a new brain though today.
Wilson: A brain transplant? Oh, boy! That sounds like fun!

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Tim: I was supposed to take Mark to the air show tomorrow. I really disappointed him.
Wilson: Mmm.
Tim: Thinking about myself. Selfish me. I'm always thinking about myself.
Wilson: And that is exactly who you should be thinking about. Look out for number one, I always say.
Tim: You never say that.
Wilson: I've never done brain surgery either. [laughs]
Tim: Wait a minute. This is a dream. That's what this is. Silly me. But, what am I gonna do about Mark?
Wilson: Well, I don't know, figure out something quick because by the time I'm done, odds are you're not gonna know who Mark is!
Tim: [cry of agony]
Wilson: Oh, Tim, relax. It isn't like it's brain surgery. Wait a second! It is! [maniacal laughter]

Quote from Jill

Lieutenant Commander Gray: I just thought of something. How about I pick you up at 06:00? You can ride up front in my jeep.
Mark: Ohh! You're on! I gotta call my dad at the hospital.
Jill: Speed dial six.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you for putting this food on our table. And most of all, for allowing us to share this time together. Amen.
All: Amen.
Mark: I'll turn on the TV.
Randy: Turn it up loud.
Jill: Freeze! Nobody's watching any TV during dinner tonight. Sit down. We are going to spend 20 minutes just talking to each other.
Randy: Twenty consecutive minutes?
Tim: We're going to have a quiet, peaceful dinner together. With no telephone and no TV.
Brad: What about watching...
Tim: Those are the rules, effective immediately, all right?
Randy: Dad, the Bulls are playing the Pistons.
Tim: Effective immediately starting tomorrow night.
Jill: Tim, forget it.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Now, Brad, what's going on with you?
Brad: Nothing.
Jill: Randy?
Randy: Nothing.
Jill: Mark?
Mark: I could use some more spending money.
Tim: Forget about it, please.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim! Tim, big news.
Tim: Your mom's bunions are inflamed again?
Al: Well, yes, actually, but that's not what I was going to tell you. We just got a call from the National Homebuilders Society.
Tim: I paid that fine.
Al: No, that's not why they want to talk to you.

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