Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Old College Try’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Old College Try

712. The Old College Try

Aired January 6, 1998

When Tim starts teaching a class on auto repair at the community college, he befriends some of his young students.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: We sound like a bunch of geezers.
Harry: Well, there's a very good reason for that.
All: We are.
Wilson: You know, I'm reminded of the English novelist Anthony Powell who said, "Getting old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you never committed."

Rate

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, you want some?
Wilson: Oh, no chili for me. You know, I just got my cholesterol results. I wish my IQ was that high. Wait a second. It is.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You won't believe what happened to me today.
Jill: What?
Tim: Wayne County Community College called the set and wants me to teach a class.
Jill: How to Blow Yourself Up 101?
Tim: You know, these barbs draw blood sometimes.

Quote from Brad

Jill: How did your first class go?
Tim: It was great. So much energy. I love school.
Randy: And I think hell just froze over.
Tim: The two hours went by like that. They picked my brain clean.
Brad: What did you do for the other hour and 59 minutes?
Tim: [chuckles] I thought about what I was gonna buy with your allowance.

Quote from Harry

Wilson: So, Professor Tim, how was your first day in the world of academia?
Tim: It was great, Wilson. I have a really cool group of students.
Benny: Hey, during roll call was anyone named Seymour Butts?
Wilson: Or Jacques Strap?
Harry: Or Kay O'Pectate?
Tim: When was the last time you were ever on a campus, Harry?
Harry: Oh, let's see. I got out of 'Nam in '71, so that would make it... never.

Quote from Benny

Tim: Anybody want chili?
Benny: Is it spicy?
Tim: Could take the chrome off a bumper with this stuff.
Benny: I'll eat it. Extra onions.
Al: How could you digest that stuff?
Benny: I said I'd eat it. I never said I'd digest it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: No, it's actually a 12-week course in auto repair.
Jill: You'd be great teaching auto shop.
Tim: That's what the dean said. I don't know. What do I know about teaching?
Jill: Isn't that kind of what you do on Tool Time?
Tim: [chuckles] No. Tool Time is a veiled attempt at entertainment. Teaching is serious business. You're talking about kids' futures. If you don't prepare just right they're gonna heckle ya, throw spitwads at ya.
Jill: They don't do that stuff in college.
Tim: Want to bet?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, you're always saying that you want to give something back to the automotive community.
Tim: I give them 30 percent of my annual income already.
Jill: No, look. You'll finally get to share your knowledge of cars.
Tim: I share that knowledge with you guys all the time.
Jill: But now you'll be sharing it with someone who's interested.

Quote from Brad

Jill: I just gotta set up the table for your dad. He's running late. I hope he didn't forget about the poker game.
Randy: Dad forget about poker? It's like Mark forgetting to be a dork.
Mark: Or Randy forgetting to wear the color "puke."
Jill: Can we get through the rest of this evening without any more insults, do you think?
Brad: Mom, I'll drive to the movies. Geek-boy and Vomit-Shirt can sit in back.

Quote from Benny

Benny: Let's go, guys. I've got rent to pay.
Harry: You don't pay rent. You mooch off your aunt.
Benny: It was a figure of speech.
Tim: Right up there with, "My wallet's in the car."

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wait, wait, wait. Quick. Pop quiz: What's the coolest car of all time?
Grant: '72 Eldorado convertible.
Tim: No.
Billy: Oh, the '67... The '67 Mustang Fastback.
Tim: Interesting, but so wrong.
Grant: '66 Karmann Ghia.
Tim: Get some help, Grant. Get some help.
Brett: '65 GTO with a 389 tri-power.
Tim: Color?
Brett: Montero red.
Tim: Montero red! So close and yet... [imitates buzzer] so definitely wrong. Palmetto blue. Palmetto blue.
Billy: Wait a minute. Are we getting graded on this?
Tim: Just you, Heidi.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What are you doing revving up the engine at this hour?
Tim: That was stupid. That's why I'm taking it outside.
Jill: Now?
Tim: Yeah, I'm gonna go out and do a little comparative driving.
Jill: You're gonna go drag racing?
Tim: No! I'm not gonna take those kids drag racing. We'll just cruise around, you know. Wouldn't it be cool to see your old man take those kids off the line?
Jill: Are you insane? You have to go to work tomorrow. You should get some sleep.
Tim: I don't have to sleep. I've got more energy than I've ever had, thanks to you.
Jill: Me?
Tim: If you hadn't encouraged me, I wouldn't be with these guys having fun. I'd be upstairs in bed with you. Gotta go.

Quote from Randy

Randy: You know, how can you have so much energy after spending the night with a bunch of guys screwing around with cars?
Tim: Well, I think you answered your own question, didn't you?
Mark: I still don't get it. Why would your students want to hang out with you?
Brad: 'Cause they're sucking up.
Randy: You know, you gotta be pretty desperate to suck up to an auto shop teacher.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, this week, we're gonna be doing a little repair work on the Burnett family bathroom. To get the ball rolling we have our friend and master plumber, Felix Myman, who's going to show us how to get rid of a really nasty sink clog.
Tim: And they say there's nothing good on TV. Felix, come on and join us.
Felix: Hello, Tim, Al. How are you doing?
Al: Great to have you back.
Tim: You know, Felix has more of his work on TV than any other plumber I know. Years ago I had my own cable show, Pipe Styles of the Rich and Famous.
Tim: Felix, from now on let me do the jokes, OK?
Al: Well, why don't we plunge right in?
Tim: Al!

Quote from Tim

Al: All right, well... Now, the first thing you want to do is determine the nature of your clog.
Felix: Well, my guess is, there's something foreign caught in the pipes.
Tim: You think? Foreign? You mean like a Volkswagen? Maybe Julio Iglesias? Maybe Stonehenge is in there.
Felix: I'm on the clock, Tim. Every one of your jokes is costing you money.
Al: Not to mention our viewers.

Quote from Tim

Felix: To clear a foreign object through the pipe I use a snake.
Tim: That's pretty old-fashioned stuff, actually, Felix. All the hip, young guys are using compressed air to clear their clogs.
Felix: Well, that's fine if you've got hip, young pipes, Tim. But these old pipes, compressed air can damage old plumbing.
Al: That's right. A snake may be slower, but it's trusty and reliable.
Tim: Uh... "Trusty" and "reliable. Are there two duller words in the English language? Wait a minute. Yeah, there are. Al, you don't have a middle name, do ya?

Quote from Jill

Jill: I'm sorry this evening didn't work out the way you expected.
Tim: Well, I don't know what I expected. You know, I'm not 21 years old anymore.
Jill: I bet it was fun to pretend you were for a couple weeks. Did you ever envision yourself in the future, married in the suburbs with three kids?
Tim: No. I figured I'd spend the rest of my life driving around in my van, listening to In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida on an 8-track.
Jill: I guess it's not so bad to be 40 instead of 20. It feels good to be settled down, have some roots, even though they're getting gray.
Tim: To have a job, some money in the bank. That's good. We don't have to worry about getting lucky on New Year's Eve.
Jill: We just have to worry about staying awake on New Year's Eve.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hello, class.
Billy: Oh, whoa, whoa. Wayne Community College is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. [all hum the Tool Time theme] Ha, ha! What's up? What's up? Welcome.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi.
Billy: No, man, it's Billy.
Grant: But we'd trade him for Heidi.
Tim: Thank you, flat top. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And for the next 12 weeks you will be my assistants.
All: Yeah.
Tim: Today, we're gonna start by talking about the most important part of a car.
Brett: The back seat?
Tim: No, actually, they'll be covering that in Miss Hensley's class down the hall, [with lisp] Our Bodies, Ourselves.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We're gonna focus on the engine, actually.
Brett: All right! [students all stand]
Tim: No, no, sit, sit, sit! You don't need tools today. All you need is paper and pencils. I'm gonna do a history lesson about the internal combustion engine. It's interesting because most people don't know it was developed in a little village in France. [a spitwad hits the board] That's cold. Very good spit to wad ratio on that. Very nice, very nice. Is this not interesting? Is that the problem?
Grant: We came here to get our hands dirty.
Tim: Oh, really? Well, look. The school curriculum says the first lesson is just lecture, OK?
Billy: Since when does "The Tool Man" follow instructions?
Grant: Right. He didn't follow them when he fell in that port-a-potty.
Tim: You know, this material is boring but it may come up on a test.
Grant: You make the tests.
Tim: I do? I can give D's rather than get them? I'm the king. All right. And these are my subjects. I say, let's get greasy. [grunts]

Quote from Tim

Jill: I want to hear all about the class when we get back from the movies, OK?
Tim: You don't have to leave. I'm making my "mucho macho" chili. Stick around.
Jill: Five men and a vat of chili.
Tim: Hm. You might want to get a hotel room.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode