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‘An Older Woman’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Home Improvement: An Older Woman

713. An Older Woman

Aired January 20, 1998

Tim and Jill are surprised when Brad starts dating a college student who is three years older than him.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Brad, do you think maybe you're moving a little fast in this relationship?
Brad: We're moving fast because we really like each other.
Tim: Brad, I think the point is she is three years older than you. And, um, we're just worried that maybe you're getting in too deep.
Brad: You're three years older than Mom.
Tim: Look how deep I'm in.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: The 19th century English novelist Elizabeth Gaskell said, "The wise parent nurtures the desire for independence in order to become a friend and advisor when his absolute power ceases."
Tim: If an English novelist said that, how come it's not in English?
Jill: What he means is if we expect Brad to listen to us we've got to be on his side.
Tim: But we're not on his side, honey.
Jill: Yeah, but's reverse psychology. We have to pretend we are.
Wilson: Well, that isn't the most honest interpretation of Miss Gaskell's words.
Jill: I don't think she'll complain. She's been dead 100 years.
Tim: Show a little respect. That's Eddie Haskell's mom, right?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Brad?
Brad: Listen, before you guys say anything, there's something I want to tell you.
Tim: You want to register at Toys 'R' Us?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Dinner at 9:00. Just a couple of years ago he was going to bed at 9:00.
Tim: A couple years from now we'll be going to bed at 9:00.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Hi, Brad.
Brad: I'll be up in my room studying.
Tim: Fair enough.
Jill: [quietly to Tim] That was good. That was calm. That was good. [yells at Brad] Are you insane? What is the matter with you? You're acting like a crazy person! How could you even think about getting married at your age?

Quote from Randy

Mark: OK. A buck says Brad goes to the party.
Randy: All righty. Then another dollar says Brad's been feeling like a loser since Angela dumped him. And there's no way he's going to that party.
Mark: Well, we all know Brad's a loser. But I still say he's going to the party.
Jill: You're betting on Brad's social life?
Randy: Actually, I'm betting against it.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Brad, you have to go to this party.
Brad: You think so?
Jill: You can't stay locked in your room forever just cause you got dumped by that dingbat, motormouth Angela, who, by the way, I really liked in case you get back together.

Quote from Jill

Jill: He met somebody. Isn't that adorable? What's her name?
Brad: Samantha.
Jill: Samantha. Adorable.
Tim: What is she like?
Brad: Well, she's really cute, she loves sports, and she drives a '68 Camaro.
Tim: Camaro? Adorable.
Jill: So, when are you gonna see her again? [doorbell rings]
Brad: Soon as I open the door. She's taking me to the Red Wings game.
Tim: Red Wings? Adorable!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Before we let you go out with our son, there's a few things we need to know aboyt you.
Brad: Uh, Dad?
Tim: Brad, hold on, I'm doing this for your own good. Samantha, that Camaro is it a big block?
Jill: You'll have to excuse my husband. You know, he gets very concerned about his son getting mixed up with the wrong car.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Are you OK with this?
Tim: Yeah. She seems like she's very nice.
Jill: Brad's just a boy.
Randy: Oh, come on, Mom! I mean, younger girls date older guys all the time. No one says anything about it. You have a double standard.
Tim: He's right, honey. Honey- I love you. But sometimes you can be a bit sexist.

Quote from Brad

Samantha: I just can't believe I only met you two weeks ago.
Brad: Yeah. It kind of feels like we've known each other our whole lives.
Samantha: How was I lucky enough to meet a guy like you?
Brad: Well, I guess we were at the right place at the right time. Two strangers reaching for onion dip.
Samantha: So, when was the exact moment you knew I really, really liked you?
Brad: I guess when you met my parents and you didn't run away screaming.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Brad has spent every available moment with Samantha for the last month. They're going too fast. I don't like it.
Tim: I'm not so sure. His school work isn't suffering. His job's OK. He's coming in every night at curfew. Let's face it, Samantha's a better parent than we are.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Nice jacket.
Brad: Oh, you like it?
Jill: Yeah.
Brad: Samantha helped me pick it out the other day. She says you have to "dress for who you want to be."
Jill: Who do you want to be?
Brad: I don't know. I just figure I'll put on the clothes and see who I turn into.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You've been learning an awful lot from Samantha?
Brad: Oh, yeah, it's great. And you're not gonna believe where she wants me to take her tomorrow: to Tool Time.
Tim: Yeah?
Jill: There's something seriously wrong with this woman.
Tim: Funny. I'm starting to like her a lot.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time's salute to... [shaver whirrs]
Both: shaving.
Tim: It's been grooming week all this week on Tool Time. We've been cutting, clipping, moussing and foaming. Now we tackle the mother of all grooming problems, removal of unwanted facial hair.
Al: That's right. Every little boy remembers peering over the sink watching his father shaving.
Tim: In your case it was your mom, wasn't it? "Al, stop staring at me! Get me another beer, will ya?!"
Al: Tim?

Quote from Al

Tim: Shaving equipment has really come a long way over the years.
Al: That's right. Today we have a lot of things to choose from. We have double-edged, swivel head, disposable, and a wide array of electric shavers.
Tim: But for the purist, nothing beats the cut of a straight edge. Right, Al?
Al: That's right.
Tim: Look out! My thumb! Oh, my God! Just kidding. Today we're gonna show how close it shaves by shaving Al's beard. Right, Al?
Al: I don't think so, Tim. I've grown rather fond of this beard.
Tim: You call it a beard. I call it a runway for Fritos.

Quote from Tim

Tim: In barber college they practice on a balloon to get a handle on a straight edge so they don't nick their customers. I've got my own version of the balloon.
Al: Why do you put my face on everything you're about to mangle or destroy?
Tim: Because your butt won't fit.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Brad, why were you joking about getting married? I was trying to do a serious show about hair removal.
Brad: Dad, I'm not joking. Samantha and I, we put a lot of thought into this.
Tim: You can't have put a lot of thought into it. You've only been seeing each other for a month.
Samantha: Mr. Taylor, I know it seems fast, but Brad and I clicked from the beginning.
Tim: Put your clickers away. This is ridiculous, guys.
Brad: You know, I knew you were gonna react like this. I mean, instead of yelling at us, you should be congratulating us.
Tim: I'm sorry. Waiter, get me some champagne. And two juice boxes for the bride and groom!
Brad: You know what, Dad, it doesn't matter what you say. We're getting married. Let's get out of here.
Tim: Brad Hey! Hey! You can't get married! You got homework!

Quote from Mark

Tim: Brad and Samantha want to get married.
Jill: Married? That's insane!
Mark: It's sad, really. Can I have his room?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Listen to this. They announced their engagement on Tool Time. I tried to talk to him about it. He just ran out on me.
Jill: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What if she's pregnant? [Tim groans] What if they're getting married because they want to get pregnant?
Tim: She probably just wants to get a hold of the Taylor fortune.
Jill: There is no Taylor fortune.
Tim: Not in cash. But we are tool rich.

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