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Home Improvement: Quibbling Siblings

408. Quibbling Siblings

Aired November 15, 1994

Randy is jealous when Tim lets Brad fill in for Al on an episode of Tool Time.

Quote from Brad

Tim: I want to thank our special guest Brad Taylor, who filled Al's tool belt admirably. With a few notches left over, I might add. [Heidi stands next to Brad]
Heidi: Goodbye, everybody.
Brad: Nee you sex time. See you next time.
Tim: Bye, folks.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: What we have here, honey, is a simple case of sibling rivalry.
Jill: Exactly.
Tim: Which just proves, Ms. Straight-A Student, that I might know just about as much about psychology as you do.
Jill: Oh, really? What causes sibling rivalry?
Tim: Having more than one kid.

Quote from Randy

Tim: What are we waiting for?
Randy: Well, it's gonna take a minute to boot up. I still have that old I30 chip in it. Not much power.
Tim: Are you saying this thing needs more power? Lemme open it up. I can make this thing go faster.
Randy: Well, why don't we just save you the trouble and throw it up against the wall?

Quote from Randy

Brad: Al won't be there. So I'm gonna be Dad's new assistant.
Randy: You?
Brad: Yeah. And not only that, I get to hang out with Heidi. I'll probably get her phone number.
Tim: Back the hormones up. I don't want to have to bring the fire department in to hose you down.
Randy: No big deal for them. They're usually there anyway.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You're always working on the hot rod together. You're always talking about what Brad's first car should be.
Tim: He'll be the first one to drive. He's the oldest.
Jill: Exactly my point. Randy is a middle child, just like I was.
Tim: We're not going through this middle-child thing again? Please.
Jill: It was very traumatic. I was constantly overlooked.
Tim: I know. Whenever you went to the zoo, you never got to see the animals you wanted to see.
Jill: Robin got to see the monkeys. Katie got to see the zebras.
Tim: I've heard this story over and over and over... [exits]
Jill: All I wanted to do was see the wallabies.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Truth is, Wilson, I'm not that interested in the things that Randy does. Playing with his computer. Listening to heavy metal music. Reading books without "illustrated" on the cover.
Wilson: Well, it sounds to me like it's just more difficult for you to connect with Randy.
Tim: I guess so.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Chinese philosopher Chuang-tzu said. "You cannot speak of the ocean to a well frog. You cannot speak of ice to a summer insect."
Tim: You can't speak Chinese to a tool man. What are you talking about?
Wilson: Well, I'm saying is if Randy is feeling overlooked, maybe you have to try a little harder to find a way into his world.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, gotta get into his world.

Quote from Brad

Brad: [to the mirror] We'll be using a number nine medium-tooth blade in our scroll saw. Oh, man. I'm gonna be awesome.
Heidi: Hi, Brad.
Brad: Oh, uh, hi, Hodi. Um... Ho, Heidi. I mean, hi, Heidi.
Heidi: You a little nervous about being on Tool Time?
Brad: Um... Tool Time? Oh! Oh, yeah. That's it.
Heidi: There's a little trick I use to calm myself down before a show. I just picture everybody in their underwear.
Brad: I don't think that's gonna work.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Now, I've already traced my design onto a piece of three-quarter-inch clear pine.
Tim: Right. Heidi, the clear pine, please.
Heidi: Here you go, Brad.
Brad: Hank you, Theidi. Um... I mean, thank you, Heidi. [watches her walk away]
Tim: Could we?
Brad: Sorry, Dad.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How was school?
Jill: Oh, it was great. I got my first A!
Brad: Cool!
Tim: Congratulations. Well, that goes on the refrigerator.
Jill: No. No, Tim. This is a paper on abnormal sexuality.
Tim: Put it up in the bedroom.
Jill: We don't need it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What happened?
Tim: Al's favorite bingo caller died.
Jill: Oh, no.
Tim: Al said his last words were, "B-11 and G... I think I'm having a heart attack."
Jill: Oh, that's awful.
Tim: Yeah. Worse than that, Al was one away from bingo.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Dad, since Al's not going to be there tomorrow, do you think I could be your assistant?
Tim: You mean, you take Al's place?
Brad: Yeah. I mean, I know a lot about tools, and I can say, "I don't think so, Tim."
Tim: [chuckles] Well, what about school?
Brad: I'd only miss a couple of classes.
Tim: It's in the afternoon. Would you miss the important ones? You know, like shop?
Brad: Nah, just history and math.
Tim: In that case, all right, yeah.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, hey, hey! Could you please turn that junk down?
Randy: It's not junk, it's heavy metal.
Tim: Well it sounds like they're banging their heads on their guitars while getting their teeth drilled.
Randy: Hey, cool. You saw the video.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Now, we'll be using a number nine medium-tooth blade in our scroll saw.
Tim: Right. Welcome to the Scroll Saw Grand Prix, starring championship driver Brad Taylor. He was in pole position at his first cut. Notice how he keeps his fingers away from the blade, on the advice of his crew chief "Three Fingers" Morgan. A lousy crew chief but a great bowler. As he comes around that corner, there's no one even near him. Can he hold the race to the end? We don't know. Watch this, for the grand... [makes engine noises] Watch out! The finish line... Checkered flag! Good work.
Brad: Thanks, Dad.
Tim: You know, watching that amazing scrolling, I'm thinking maybe I'll make Mom a heart instead of a pipe rack.
Brad: Well, aren't you gonna trace your design first?
Tim: Son, you been scrolling as long as I have, you don't need to waste time tracing. I want you to be my commentator.
Brad: All right. Welcome to the Scroll Saw 500. Tim Taylor's at the wheel. Uh-oh! All the other scrollers are leaving the track! They're afraid for their lives! Now, the race is up to Tim Taylor. All he has to do is finish the heart and the victory's his. Now, let me tell you, I bet my dad's gonna make a great-looking heart. He's at the finish line. Is it great? Um, Dad. That doesn't look like a heart. It looks more like a kidney.
Tim: Well, yes, it does. Well, a heart says, "I love you," but a kidney says, "I gotta go."
Brad: Well, guess what. And so do we. We'll be right back after these words from Binford.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Yeah, you had the audience eating out of your hand. One of these days, you'll have your own star on the Tool Time Walk of Fame. Right near mine, and way ahead of Al's.

Quote from Randy

Randy: [phone rings] I'll get it.
Brad: Hey, don't bother. I'm sure it's for me. It's probably Heidi.
Randy: Yeah, she just wants to know what time she should come over to baby-sit you.
Brad: You're just jealous. [answers phone] Hello. Oh. Hi, Ashley. Oh, you loved the show?
Randy: Not as much as Brad loves Heidi.
Brad: I'm gonna pound you, you little punk. No, not you, Ashley. Um...
Randy: [sings] Brad and Heidi, sitting in a tree...
Brad: Could I call you right back?
Randy: K-i-s-s-i-n-g...

Quote from Tim

Jill: So what do you think is going on with Randy?
Tim: There's nothing going on. He's just being Mr. Obnoxious.
Jill: Maybe he's reacting to his equally obnoxious brother, Mr. Hot-for-Heidi.
Tim: You should know she's a master electrician.
Jill: Yeah, right.

Quote from Tim

Jill: It's the competition between siblings for the love and attention of their parents.
Tim: So Randy's acting like this to get our attention?
Jill: No. I think he's acting like this to get your attention.
Tim: Why does he just want my attention?
Jill: 'Cause you took Brad on Tool Time.
Tim: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. This is classic Freud. Transferring blame to the tool show host.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I got an idea. How would you like to be on Tool Time with me next week?
Randy: Why? Is Brad holding out for more money?
Tim: This is nothing to do with Brad. I thought it'd be fun. We could do a project together.
Randy: No, thanks.
Tim: Heidi'll be there. She's a master electrician.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Neighbor, have you seen my fuzzy woolly bear?
Tim: No, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Wilson: No, Tim. The fuzzy woolly bear I'm referring to is a type of caterpillar. Oh, there you are, little fella.
Tim: Just one question, Wilson. Pet or dinner?
Wilson: It's a weather forecaster, Tim. You see, by measuring the width of the stripe on the caterpillar's back, I can tell you how long and cold the winter's gonna be.

Quote from Jill

Jill: And, see, this is kinda harder for Randy, because he's a middle child, just like I was.
Brad: Mom, Mom, please. Not the wallaby story. [exits]
Jill: We went to the zoo every year. [Tim enters] Robin got to see the monkeys.
Tim: Oh, no, no!
Jill: Katie got to see the zebras.

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