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‘Desperately Seeking Willow’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Home Improvement: Desperately Seeking Willow

719. Desperately Seeking Willow

Aired March 17, 1998

When Wilson's house is fumigated while he visits Chicago, Willow stays with Tim and Jill.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome back to our St. Patrick's Day Tool Time.
Al: And our salute to everything Irish.
Tim: [with Irish accent] There once was a lad from Nantucket...
Al: Tim.
Tim: First off, thanks to Seamus O'Connor for showing his antique Waterford crystal collection. It's priceless.
Al: Yeah. [glass shattering]
Tim: And somewhat fragile. Sorry, Seamus.
Al: Thank you, Seamus. You knew this was a possibility when you came on the show.

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Quote from Pete

Tim: I guess you guys really know how to party on St. Patty's Day.
Pete: That's right. It's a big holiday up at K&B. It's right up there with Christmas... and Friday.

Quote from Rock

Al: Well, tell me this, since St. Patty's falls on a Tuesday, how do you find time to celebrate?
Dwayne: It is a challenging dilemma. But being skilled craftspersons, we've designed our own accouterments for just such a situation.
Tim: Well, your accouterments look suspiciously like just a green tool box.
Pete: Well, to the untrained eye, Tim. Open her up.
Tim: Aww.
Pete: Voila. A traditional Irish feast.
Tim: Look at that. Corned beef and cabbage.
Rock: Yeah, you betcha. And look down in this compartment. Instead of your nails and screws, you got your spuds and stews.
Al: Ah, it's a little oily there. [eats]
Rock: Yeah, well, that's where we typically keep the WD-40.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim? Where are you? I thought you were gonna help me with these bulbs.
Tim: Oh, I'll help you with those bulbs, all right.
Jill: What is that?
Tim: It's my bulb blaster.
Jill: Is this really necessary?
Tim: Probably not. But it's gonna be a lot of fun. Now, stand up. OK. Stand back. [gun blast] It's tulip time in Beijing. Look at that.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, top o' the morning to you, Taylor twosome.
Jill: Good morning.
Wilson: Jill, I wanted to bring you a basket of St. Patrick's Day goodies before I leave.
Jill: Oh, thank you. What a nice thing for you to do. Where are you going?
Wilson: I'm spending three days with my good friend Sean McCormack in Dublin.
Tim: You're going to Ireland for just three days?
Wilson: Dublin, Ohio.
Tim: Then the three days'll be plenty, won't it?

Quote from Tim

Willow: Uncle Wilson, the guy with the nerve gas is here. And I may have a lead on a place to stay.
Jill: Tim and I were just talking. We'd like you to stay with us.
Willow: Oh, I wouldn't want to put anybody out.
Jill: You wouldn't be putting anyone out. We'll have the boys double up.
Tim: And if that doesn't work, Jill and I will double up.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Willow, thanks for making us dinner.
Jill: Oh, it's delicious.
Willow: Making dinner's fun when you get to cook for people you like.
Jill: Mmm. Maybe that's been my problem all along.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What are you still doing up?
Jill: It's two o'clock. Willow's still not back. I'm worried. What are you doing up?
Tim: That Moroccan food was a bit spicy. That Marrakech Express has been running all night.
Jill: I wonder if there something's going on with Willow. You know, I've seen girls like her in counseling. Because they don't have a strong parental role model, they lack direction. They get lost and stay that way for the rest of their lives.
Tim: [belches] Excuse me. You came up with that based on the fact that she's two hours late?
Jill: No. I came up with that theory the minute I met her. Just never had the opportunity to obsess about it.
Tim: Honey, don't do this. First thing, she's not our daughter and she's 26 years old. Second of all, she's been living like this her whole life. I think she's seems to doing pretty well.
Jill: Have you seen people who seem OK, but inside they're racked with pain?
Tim: [groans] You are singing to the choir.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Do you guys think you have any idea where Willow is?
Brad: Maybe she's at a friend's house.
Randy: Could be working.
Mark: Maybe she fell in a big hole and can't get out. [off their looks] What? It could happen.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Maybe she has an address book. She's been staying in Brad's room. We should check there.
Tim: Or over at Wilson's.
Randy: Dad, Wilson's house is being bombed with nerve gas. Who's gonna go in?
Tim: [grunts]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Woo! Ow! [muffled mumbling]
Randy: Dad, take off the mask.
Tim: What a rush! Walking through dark, poison-filled hallways. A mission where it could cost me my life! It was unbelievable! It was great!
Randy: Dad, are you sure that mask is completely leak-proof?
Tim: Who said that?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Another club. I have enough stamps on my hand to mail myself to Caracas.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Excuse me. I'm sorry. Uh, this is an emergency. You have to let us in. We're searching for a missing person. Her name is Willow. She's about five-foot-three. She has reddish/blondish/brownish hair. She sounds like this. [imitates Willow] Hi.
Bouncer: Oh, just go in. Just go in.
Tim: Thanks a lot.
Bouncer: Wait. Not you.
Tim: I'm with her.
Bouncer: Yeah. But she is cool.
Jill: Oh. Stay here, I'll be back.
Tim: Hold on a second, honey. Hold. Apparently, you don't know who I am. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Bouncer: And I'm Lance "I Hate Your Show" Smith.

Quote from Tim

Tim: A little later on in the show, we're gonna repaint this little table. This beautiful Irish coffee table. And I'm gonna use Kelly green.
Al: And I'm gonna finish tatting this lovely Irish lace.
Tim: Very McMann-ly, Al. But before we get to that, we have some very special guests for you.
Al: That's right. Nobody knows how to celebrate St. Patrick's Day like the working man.
Tim: And we're talking about the working men from Bay City. Let's give a warm welcome to the boys from K&B. Rock, Pete and Dwayne! Hi. It's great to have you guys here.
Rock: Always great to be here, Timmy!

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, so much for the food portion of our St. Patty's Day celebration. Guys, why don't you tell the audience why you really came down here?
Pete: Well, Tim, during breaks up on the high steel, we like to sing traditional Irish folk songs.
Al: I love Irish music. It's magically delicious.
Tim: [Irish accent] And I like it, too!

Quote from Tim

Pete: Happy St. Patty's Day!
Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, the boys from K&B. [When Al manages to get up, his face is covered in green paint] And Al Green.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: No. It's very good timing since my house is gonna be filled with nerve gas.
[Tim and Jill chuckle]
Jill: I thought he said nerve gas.
Tim: So did I.
Wilson: Well, I did. I did. I'm trying to get rid of the bats in my attic. You know, I've tried every other way. But, alas, it comes down to gas.
Tim: It always does... always does.

Quote from Jill

Wilson: You know, Jill, there's something that's still bothering me. My niece still hasn't got a place to stay.
Jill: Well, that's weird. I thought she had tons of friends.
Wilson: Well, yes. But have you met them? They're wild. They're irresponsible. I know it's a big favor to ask, but could Willow maybe stay with you for three days?
Jill: I would love that. [Tim fires his bulb blaster into the air] In fact, I'd like to trade her for Tim.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, hi-ho, Nick.
Tim: Oh, is that Nick the exterminator? Nick, the nerve gas guy. What's shaking?
Wilson: His entire body.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I love this Moroccan food. You get to eat with your fingers.
Randy: How's that different from the way you normally eat?
Mark: He licks his fingers a lot more.
Tim: I love squab. Mm.
Brad: No kidding. You've practically eaten the entire flock.

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