Randy: Why does this bad stuff always have to happen to me?
Tim: Well, bad stuff happens to everybody. Bad stuff happens to me all the time.
Randy: Yeah, but you cause it.

Randy: All right. One candy bar for the spaceman. And seven for the cute little lion cub.

Tim: [deep voice] No. Leave the girl alone. Give me my bamboo. My bamboo.
Gracie: Oh, Mr. Panda, thank you so much from saving me from Mr. Monkey.
Tim: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Mr. Tiger.
Gracie: That's Mr. Lion Cub.
Tim: Sorry. I've never been a lion cub before.
Randy: Well, I have. You know, I gotta tell you, it's a tough gig. Everyone expects you to be king.

Jill: Hey, guys. Did, um, any of you see Tool Time today?
Randy: Unfortunately, yes.
Mark: Dad's lost it.
Brad: Yeah, it was his second girlie Tool Time in a row. I mean, what's next, a Pantyhose Week? Or a "Salute to Feminine Hygiene"?
Randy: I don't know about you, but I stop watching the day Dad turns to Al and says, "Do you feel fresh?"

Brad: Mom.
Jill: What?
Brad: Dad's cussing.
Tim: I'm not cussing.
Mark: He said a bad word.
Tim: It wasn't bad.
Randy: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn".
Tim: I did not say "damn".
Randy: Now you did.

Brad: Yeah, when are we gonna fit the exhaust?
Tim: We could start it now, if you want.
Brad: Cool. Do I get to use the blowtorch?
Tim: Yeah, right. Then we wait outside for the fire department to show up.
Randy: Well, it's not like they haven't been here before.

Tim: Guess what's coming back to the house in two weeks. I'll give you a hint. It goes vroom, vroom, vroom.
Randy: Ha. Usually everything around here goes vroom, vroom, boom.

Brad: Um, I don't think the book is in the station wagon. I saw Mark with it.
Jill: What would Mark be doing with my abnormal psychology book?
Randy: Maybe trying to figure out what's wrong with him.

Tim: What are we waiting for?
Randy: Well, it's gonna take a minute to boot up. I still have that old I30 chip in it. Not much power.
Tim: Are you saying this thing needs more power? Lemme open it up. I can make this thing go faster.
Randy: Well, why don't we just save you the trouble and throw it up against the wall?

Brad: Also, Randy had to go to another doctor and get a second blood test.
Tim: Why?
Randy: It's all Mom's fault. She told Dr. Medwick I been kinda tired lately.
Tim: Well, you have been. I caught you on the couch the other day asleep at 4:00.
Randy: Dad, I was watching Tool Time.