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‘Believe It or Not’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Believe It or Not

722. Believe It or Not

Aired April 28, 1998

After Wilson confides in Tim that he once saw an alien spacecraft, he becomes the object of ridicule when Tim tells other people about Wilson's experience.

Quote from Benny

Tim: I'm talking about extraterrestrials.
Benny: Why would a guy need more than two? [Tim and Marty laugh]

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Quote from Tim

Tim: OK. What do we do?
Randy: Well, we're all booted up. So access the server, double-click on the browser icon, and we'll be surfing the Net.
Tim: OK. You know, 20 years ago no one would've understood that sentence, and today it's just me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Actually, you have spent a lot of time up on the roof. You ever noticed anything odd in the sky? Unusual sights?
Al: Uh, Tim, not with the aliens again.
Tim: No, I'm talking about UFOs, spaceships, that kind of stuff.
Al: I think the audience wants to talk about roofs, not about people from outer space.
Tim: You're awfully defensive about this.
Al: There are no aliens.
Tim: How do you know?
Tony: Hey, maybe he's hiding something.
Tim: Yeah, maybe he's hiding the fact that he's an alien.
Al: I am not now nor have I ever been an alien!
Tim: Oh, yeah? What do the first two letters of "alien" spell, Al?
Tony: Ooh...
Tim: And your mother's quite large. Perhaps she's the mothership.

Quote from Al

Tim: All right, now, when I turn on the machine, there might be a bright light, so watch out.
Al: All right. [Tim flashes a camera in Al's face]
Tim: Now, turn around.
Al: Oh, my gosh! It's Grant Hill! Man! It's like... It's like he's right here. I can almost touch him.
Grant Hill: Come on, Round Man. Show me what you got.
Al: [catches ball] You really have to dribble it. Yeah! All right. I'll just give him my patented jump shot.
Grant Hill: I guess flannel men can't jump.
Al: Man! Well, I don't have to jump. I can just blow by you. You're a virtual reality. [laughs] I can just blow right by... Wow, that hurts.
Tim: Well, it didn't really hurt, did it? It was just virtual pain.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Were you talking about a a real UFO?
Wilson: Maybe.
Tim: Have you seen a real UFO?
Wilson: Maybe.
Tim: Come on. It's just us out here.
Wilson: Maybe.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, if you want Wilson to know that you care about what's important to him, you're gonna have to make a gesture.
Tim: How about... "Please!"?
Jill: No. It works for me, but...
Jill: I think you should do some research on the stuff that Wilson's been talking about. So you'll be well-informed and it'll show that you take him seriously.
Tim: So I gotta have an intelligent conversation about stuff that doesn't exist.
Jill: Right.
Tim: Government cover-ups. Secret bases in the desert that no one knows what goes on there. Yeah. And big crop circles. Ooh, what's that all about? And big balloon-headed things that look like they ate too many almonds. [babbling noises] Nighttime abductions, big bright lights, and ships that scream in and always get people with no teeth...

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Tim: I found the file, Jilly.
Jill: What have you come up with, Taylor?
Tim: According to my underground sources, this is the triangulated center of all alien activity in the western hemisphere.
Jill: Easily explained by swamp gas, weather balloons, mass delusional hysteria.
Tim: Why do you respond to everything I say with scientific mumbo-jumbo?
Jill: Because everything you say is pie-in-the-sky, paranormal saucer-head idiocy.
Tim: The truth is out there.
Jill: No. You're the one that's out there.

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Tim: [hits head on pipe] Oh! Hold up, Jilly. I can't explain it, but I sense the presence of an alien.
Jill: Taylor, have you noticed these aliens seem to eschew well-lit, ventilated housing?
Tim: They what?
Jill: Eschew. Eschew.
Tim: Gesundheit. Right there. Right there. Right there.
Jill: What is it?
Tim: It's the alien we've been looking for all our lives.
Jill: How can we be sure it's not human?
Tim: It's too small. Notice the delicate, hairless features.
Jill: Oh, my God!
[reality:]
Tim: [yells]
Randy: [wakes up, yells]
Tim: Put a shirt on!

Quote from Tim

Wilson: So, Tim, with all your newfound knowledge, are you a believer?
Tim: I wouldn't say that. I'm just open to more possibilities now. And I'm having some really strange dreams.
Wilson: Oh. About government conspiracies, FBI agents in trench coats, that you are out there?
Tim: You know about my dream? Are we having some sort of mind-melding kumbayatic experience?
Wilson: No. Jill told me.
Tim: I didn't tell her.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You said you think Jordan's an alien?
Grant Hill: How else could he jump that high?
Tim: Shaquille?
Grant Hill: You call that an earth name?
Tim: All right. Dennis Rodman? [Grant Hill sighs] I'll give you that one.
Grant Hill: Look, Tim, these guys don't know I'm onto them, so I'd appreciate it if you don't say anything.
Tim: All right. All right. All right. How do I know you're not an alien?
Grant Hill: I never said I wasn't.
Tim: Yeah, but you're working, so you must have a green card.
Grant Hill: More bluish-gray.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, I've never told anybody this, but one night when I was living with my parents outside the Turkish city of Cappadocia... I saw an alien craft land.
Tim: Did you see little green men come out of it?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no. These men were bluish-gray. Assuming they were men. I didn't see any sexually distinguishing features.
Tim: Well, you had just met.
Wilson: Oh, I tell you, it was an amazing thing. I'll never forget it.
Tim: Well, how'd the night go? Some cocktails and a quick probe?
Wilson: Oh, Tim! I never should've told you about this.
Tim: No, no, no, no. I'm sorry, Wilson. I understand completely what happened. Have you been inside shellacking all day? Because if you don't get enough ventilation, it can really, you know... I do that, I think I'm Aquaman.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm serious. He said he had an encounter with extraterrestrials.
Randy: Or he dipped into the festival wine a bit early.
Jill: Well, I wouldn't dismiss him so quickly, guys. I mean, there has been lots of documentation about peoples' encounters with aliens.
Tim: You think there's a real possibility?
Jill: Look, there's some really respected institutions that have entire departments devoted to paranormal studies.
Tim: Ooh, yeah. The department of ooo-eee-ooo.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What you got, Wilson? Some rare Amazonian plant you crossbred with, like, a North African variety?
Wilson: They're petunias. Good day, Tim.
Tim: Wait a minute, Wilson. I was wondering if maybe that spaceship you saw is the same kind that the army found in Roswell.
Wilson: What do you know of Roswell?
Tim: Well, I know that a lot of people think a flying saucer crash-landed there. I also know about Sheffield, England. In 1962 there was a spectacular sighting there. And in Mexico City, 198-
Wilson: '83.
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: You know, Tim, with the difficult time you gave me, I'm kind of surprised you're taking such an interest in unexplained phenomena.
Tim: Well, I figured if a real intelligent guy like you was interested in the stuff, maybe I should learn more about it, so I went on the Internet and I found out there's a lot of people have had experiences just like yours, and not just people with a shellac dependency.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, everybody. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Hugh Hefty.
Al: All week long we've been showing you things that make men's lives easier.
Tim: Yesterday it was wives with laryngitis. But today it's our Tool Time salute...
Tim & Al: [on TV monitor] To remote control.
Al: [on TV monitor] The first television remote was connected to the TV with a wire. It was invented in 1950.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Al, my dad had a wireless remote control that was voice-activated in 1950.
Al: [on TV monitor] Tim, that's impossible.
Tim: No, it's not. It was called Mom.
Al: Ladies, write to Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, PO Box 327...

Quote from Al

Tim: OK, now we get to the ultimate in remote control.
Al: And what would that be?
Tim: It's called virtual reality. You become the remote control. You become part of the action.
Al: What kind of action?
Tim: You name it. Car racing, football... How about basketball? How would you like to go one-on-one with Grant Hill?
Al: Oh, that would be great!
Tim: Slip these on. These are virtual-reality optical sensing devices.
Al: Oh, the circuitry must be incredibly small. They look like regular sunglasses.
Tim: Now, slip your hand into this. This is a tactile sensory device.
Al: Well, this looks just like the work glove that disappeared out of my locker.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Aah! Oh!
Tim: Did I scare you, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, not you. It's that flying baked potato.
Tim: Well, the manufacturer says it looks like an alien spaceship. I think it looks like a big Jiffy Pop container.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, I tend to agree with you. A real spaceship would have some form of internal propulsion.
Tim: Right. Should look more like a saucer.
Wilson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. An iridescent glow.
Tim: A low hum.
Wilson: Yeah, 26 diamond-shaped windows all in a row.
Tim: What flying saucer are you talking about? The one out of Forbidden Planet or The Day The Earth Stood Still?
Wilson: Oh, I wasn't talking about a movie.
Tim: What were you talking about?
Wilson: Well, nothing. Oh, look at the rain.

Quote from Brad

Randy: What are those?
Brad: College catalogs. In case I don't get that soccer scholarship, I need to figure out a great place to go to college.
Randy: The University of Hawaii. Cancun College. Virgin Islands State? You going to college or on a cruise?
Brad: All these schools have great academic programs.
Randy: Is that why you divided them into beach schools and ski schools?

Quote from Jill

Tim: I had a weird discussion with Wilson.
Jill: Why, what's new with him?
Tim: He claims he had an encounter with space aliens. He saw these blue-green creatures when he was staying with his folks in a Turkish town, Cappuccino.
Jill: Were they covered in foam and sprinkled with cinnamon?

Quote from Randy

Randy: You know, Mom, with all the money spent on research, they still don't have any proof alien life exists.
Jill: They don't have any proof it doesn't exist.
Tim: Well, I guess we know who are the sane members of this family.
Randy: Don't lump me in with you.

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