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‘Believe It or Not’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Believe It or Not

722. Believe It or Not

Aired April 28, 1998

After Wilson confides in Tim that he once saw an alien spacecraft, he becomes the object of ridicule when Tim tells other people about Wilson's experience.

Quote from Benny

Tim: I'm talking about extraterrestrials.
Benny: Why would a guy need more than two? [Tim and Marty laugh]

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Quote from Tim

Tim: OK. What do we do?
Randy: Well, we're all booted up. So access the server, double-click on the browser icon, and we'll be surfing the Net.
Tim: OK. You know, 20 years ago no one would've understood that sentence, and today it's just me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Actually, you have spent a lot of time up on the roof. You ever noticed anything odd in the sky? Unusual sights?
Al: Uh, Tim, not with the aliens again.
Tim: No, I'm talking about UFOs, spaceships, that kind of stuff.
Al: I think the audience wants to talk about roofs, not about people from outer space.
Tim: You're awfully defensive about this.
Al: There are no aliens.
Tim: How do you know?
Tony: Hey, maybe he's hiding something.
Tim: Yeah, maybe he's hiding the fact that he's an alien.
Al: I am not now nor have I ever been an alien!
Tim: Oh, yeah? What do the first two letters of "alien" spell, Al?
Tony: Ooh...
Tim: And your mother's quite large. Perhaps she's the mothership.

Quote from Al

Tim: All right, now, when I turn on the machine, there might be a bright light, so watch out.
Al: All right. [Tim flashes a camera in Al's face]
Tim: Now, turn around.
Al: Oh, my gosh! It's Grant Hill! Man! It's like... It's like he's right here. I can almost touch him.
Grant Hill: Come on, Round Man. Show me what you got.
Al: [catches ball] You really have to dribble it. Yeah! All right. I'll just give him my patented jump shot.
Grant Hill: I guess flannel men can't jump.
Al: Man! Well, I don't have to jump. I can just blow by you. You're a virtual reality. [laughs] I can just blow right by... Wow, that hurts.
Tim: Well, it didn't really hurt, did it? It was just virtual pain.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Were you talking about a a real UFO?
Wilson: Maybe.
Tim: Have you seen a real UFO?
Wilson: Maybe.
Tim: Come on. It's just us out here.
Wilson: Maybe.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, if you want Wilson to know that you care about what's important to him, you're gonna have to make a gesture.
Tim: How about... "Please!"?
Jill: No. It works for me, but...
Jill: I think you should do some research on the stuff that Wilson's been talking about. So you'll be well-informed and it'll show that you take him seriously.
Tim: So I gotta have an intelligent conversation about stuff that doesn't exist.
Jill: Right.
Tim: Government cover-ups. Secret bases in the desert that no one knows what goes on there. Yeah. And big crop circles. Ooh, what's that all about? And big balloon-headed things that look like they ate too many almonds. [babbling noises] Nighttime abductions, big bright lights, and ships that scream in and always get people with no teeth...

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Tim: I found the file, Jilly.
Jill: What have you come up with, Taylor?
Tim: According to my underground sources, this is the triangulated center of all alien activity in the western hemisphere.
Jill: Easily explained by swamp gas, weather balloons, mass delusional hysteria.
Tim: Why do you respond to everything I say with scientific mumbo-jumbo?
Jill: Because everything you say is pie-in-the-sky, paranormal saucer-head idiocy.
Tim: The truth is out there.
Jill: No. You're the one that's out there.

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Tim: [hits head on pipe] Oh! Hold up, Jilly. I can't explain it, but I sense the presence of an alien.
Jill: Taylor, have you noticed these aliens seem to eschew well-lit, ventilated housing?
Tim: They what?
Jill: Eschew. Eschew.
Tim: Gesundheit. Right there. Right there. Right there.
Jill: What is it?
Tim: It's the alien we've been looking for all our lives.
Jill: How can we be sure it's not human?
Tim: It's too small. Notice the delicate, hairless features.
Jill: Oh, my God!
[reality:]
Tim: [yells]
Randy: [wakes up, yells]
Tim: Put a shirt on!

Quote from Tim

Wilson: So, Tim, with all your newfound knowledge, are you a believer?
Tim: I wouldn't say that. I'm just open to more possibilities now. And I'm having some really strange dreams.
Wilson: Oh. About government conspiracies, FBI agents in trench coats, that you are out there?
Tim: You know about my dream? Are we having some sort of mind-melding kumbayatic experience?
Wilson: No. Jill told me.
Tim: I didn't tell her.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You said you think Jordan's an alien?
Grant Hill: How else could he jump that high?
Tim: Shaquille?
Grant Hill: You call that an earth name?
Tim: All right. Dennis Rodman? [Grant Hill sighs] I'll give you that one.
Grant Hill: Look, Tim, these guys don't know I'm onto them, so I'd appreciate it if you don't say anything.
Tim: All right. All right. All right. How do I know you're not an alien?
Grant Hill: I never said I wasn't.
Tim: Yeah, but you're working, so you must have a green card.
Grant Hill: More bluish-gray.

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