Tim: I'm talking about extraterrestrials.
Benny: Why would a guy need more than two? [Tim and Marty laugh]

Tim: OK. What do we do?
Randy: Well, we're all booted up. So access the server, double-click on the browser icon, and we'll be surfing the Net.
Tim: OK. You know, 20 years ago no one would've understood that sentence, and today it's just me.

Tim: Actually, you have spent a lot of time up on the roof. You ever noticed anything odd in the sky? Unusual sights?
Al: Uh, Tim, not with the aliens again.
Tim: No, I'm talking about UFOs, spaceships, that kind of stuff.
Al: I think the audience wants to talk about roofs, not about people from outer space.
Tim: You're awfully defensive about this.
Al: There are no aliens.
Tim: How do you know?
Tony: Hey, maybe he's hiding something.
Tim: Yeah, maybe he's hiding the fact that he's an alien.
Al: I am not now nor have I ever been an alien!
Tim: Oh, yeah? What do the first two letters of "alien" spell, Al?
Tony: Ooh...
Tim: And your mother's quite large. Perhaps she's the mothership.

Tim: All right, now, when I turn on the machine, there might be a bright light, so watch out.
Al: All right. [Tim flashes a camera in Al's face]
Tim: Now, turn around.
Al: Oh, my gosh! It's Grant Hill! Man! It's like... It's like he's right here. I can almost touch him.
Grant Hill: Come on, Round Man. Show me what you got.
Al: [catches ball] You really have to dribble it. Yeah! All right. I'll just give him my patented jump shot.
Grant Hill: I guess flannel men can't jump.
Al: Man! Well, I don't have to jump. I can just blow by you. You're a virtual reality. [laughs] I can just blow right by... Wow, that hurts.
Tim: Well, it didn't really hurt, did it? It was just virtual pain.

Tim: Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Were you talking about a a real UFO?
Wilson: Maybe.
Tim: Have you seen a real UFO?
Wilson: Maybe.
Tim: Come on. It's just us out here.
Wilson: Maybe.

Jill: Look, if you want Wilson to know that you care about what's important to him, you're gonna have to make a gesture.
Tim: How about... "Please!"?
Jill: No. It works for me, but...
Jill: I think you should do some research on the stuff that Wilson's been talking about. So you'll be well-informed and it'll show that you take him seriously.
Tim: So I gotta have an intelligent conversation about stuff that doesn't exist.
Jill: Right.
Tim: Government cover-ups. Secret bases in the desert that no one knows what goes on there. Yeah. And big crop circles. Ooh, what's that all about? And big balloon-headed things that look like they ate too many almonds. [babbling noises] Nighttime abductions, big bright lights, and ships that scream in and always get people with no teeth...

[dream sequence:]
Tim: I found the file, Jilly.
Jill: What have you come up with, Taylor?
Tim: According to my underground sources, this is the triangulated center of all alien activity in the western hemisphere.
Jill: Easily explained by swamp gas, weather balloons, mass delusional hysteria.
Tim: Why do you respond to everything I say with scientific mumbo-jumbo?
Jill: Because everything you say is pie-in-the-sky, paranormal saucer-head idiocy.
Tim: The truth is out there.
Jill: No. You're the one that's out there.

[dream sequence:]
Tim: [hits head on pipe] Oh! Hold up, Jilly. I can't explain it, but I sense the presence of an alien.
Jill: Taylor, have you noticed these aliens seem to eschew well-lit, ventilated housing?
Tim: They what?
Jill: Eschew. Eschew.
Tim: Gesundheit. Right there. Right there. Right there.
Jill: What is it?
Tim: It's the alien we've been looking for all our lives.
Jill: How can we be sure it's not human?
Tim: It's too small. Notice the delicate, hairless features.
Jill: Oh, my God!
[reality:]
Tim: [yells]
Randy: [wakes up, yells]
Tim: Put a shirt on!

Wilson: So, Tim, with all your newfound knowledge, are you a believer?
Tim: I wouldn't say that. I'm just open to more possibilities now. And I'm having some really strange dreams.
Wilson: Oh. About government conspiracies, FBI agents in trench coats, that you are out there?
Tim: You know about my dream? Are we having some sort of mind-melding kumbayatic experience?
Wilson: No. Jill told me.
Tim: I didn't tell her.

Tim: You said you think Jordan's an alien?
Grant Hill: How else could he jump that high?
Tim: Shaquille?
Grant Hill: You call that an earth name?
Tim: All right. Dennis Rodman? [Grant Hill sighs] I'll give you that one.
Grant Hill: Look, Tim, these guys don't know I'm onto them, so I'd appreciate it if you don't say anything.
Tim: All right. All right. All right. How do I know you're not an alien?
Grant Hill: I never said I wasn't.
Tim: Yeah, but you're working, so you must have a green card.
Grant Hill: More bluish-gray.