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Home Improvement: Slip Sleddin' Away

313. Slip Sleddin' Away

Aired January 5, 1994

Randy injures himself after being challenged by one of the McGurn boys to a sled race.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm gonna run you down to the emergency room, get an x-ray for you, write a note to Mom.
Randy: Dad, I don't need to go to the emergency room.
Tim: [chuckles] That's what I usually tell Al.
Randy: Well, how does he get you to go?
Tim: I don't know. I'm usually passed out by then.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Brad, where's your saxophone? You have a lesson in 20 minutes.
Brad: Mom, why do I have to keep taking these stupid lessons?
Jill: Brad, sit down.
Brad: Is this gonna be another one of those "When I was a little girl" stories?
Jill: No. Will you just listen? [long pause] When I was a little person about your age... I had to take flute lessons for five years, and it wasn't always fun, but I was really glad that I stuck to it.
Brad: Why? It's not like you ever play the flute now.
Jill: Well, that's true, but I take great joy in knowing that I could if I wanted to. Besides, if you get really good at it, we could have mother/son jam sessions.
Brad: There's a dream come true.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Don't worry. They'll take real good care of you here.
Randy: Is this the emergency room you come to all the time?
Tim: I don't come here all the time.
Delivery Guy: Hey, Tool Man.
Tim: Hey, buddy.
Marge: Hi, Mr. Taylor.
Buzz: Hey, Tim.
Tim: Hey, Buzz. How are those little girls...? Chanel and Cher, right?
Buzz: Good. Real good.
Tim: Hey, Laurie.
Randy: You're better known here than you are at Sears.

Quote from Tim

Marge: Mr. Taylor. And you walked in under your own power. Always a good sign.
Tim: Well, actually...
Marge: You know, I keep your file handy.
Tim: Actually...
Randy: That's all you?
Marge: That's just this year.
Tim: It's not me today, Marge. It's my little son Randy.
Marge: Well, how cute - like father, like son.

Quote from Tim

Randy: What's gonna happen now?
Tim: Well, they're gonna run you back to X-ray, take a photograph of your wrist.
Randy: What if it's broken?
Tim: Don't worry about it. They're great here. They'll set it in a cast, and you'll be good as new in two months.
Randy: Two months?
Tim: Oh, it goes just like that. I remember when I broke my arm. I was younger than you.
Randy: Well, how'd you break it?
Tim: Well, the first time... I was six or so, in the garage looking at my little red wagon. [grunts] "That thing needs more power." [grunts]

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, I'm trying to protect my young from the Vinnie McGurns of the world.
Wilson: Aha-ha. So you are encouraging Randy to act like the saiga antelope.
Tim: Yeah. Yeah, exac... What?
Wilson: The saiga antelope. They roam the Russian plains. Any invader who challenges the male's domain is met with a fight.
Tim: Arr. Russia. [sings] Where the deer and and the antelope play
Wilson: Unfortunately, the males of the species are so obsessed with running back and forth and butting heads that they barely ever eat, so that when wintertime comes they have no body fat. They starve to death.
Tim: [sings] And the sky is not cloudy all day
Wilson: See, Tim, you can't allow a challenge to make you lose sight of what is really important.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Today on Tool Time, we're gonna talk about a real American hero - the supersize sausage... submarine, also known as the SS Cholesterol.
Al: I thought we were talking about squeaky floors.
Tim: We are, we are.
Al: And the obvious connection would be?
Tim: Stick with me. Let's say your wife has you on one of those low-cal mulch and grass diets, but you got one of these bad boys hidden out in that camp cooler in the garage. So you wait till she drifts off to sleep, snoring like a band saw. You creep out to the garage to get it, but as soon as your feet hit the floor, what happens? [wood creaks] She wakes up. "Hey, leave that submarine sandwich alone, you big tub of lard! Get back into bed! You're gonna be eating nothing but fiber for three months!" And you doubted the connection.
Al: I'm hating myself now.

Quote from Tim

Randy: I'm not sure Mom's gonna be too happy when she finds out we souped up the sled.
Tim: Don't worry about it.
Randy: Do we have to tell her?
Tim: Yes, yes. You can't lie to your mom. I get two lies a year, and I'm not wasting one on you.

Quote from Tim

Marge: Mr. Taylor, this way to x-ray. [laughs] Look who I'm telling!
Tim: You know, Marge, it's kind of gratifying to be here in the hospital and not be a patient.
Janitor: See ya, Tool Man.
Tim: Hey, buddy.
[Tim bangs his head on the swinging door]
Marge: Well, maybe you can have that feeling another day.
Tim: Medic!
Marge: It's all right. It's all right.
Tim: Medic!

Quote from Tim

Tim: The point is, today, how do you get rid of that tattletale squeak?
Al: Well, first you have to determine if you have a squeak... [wood squeaks] a creak... [wood creaks] or a groan... [Tim moans with pleasure] because each one of those will require a different repair.
Tim: Right, Al. Now, Larry, you wanna bring the camera in here. Normally, a squeak is caused by wood rubbing against a loose nail.
Al: Now, if you have your squeak between the joists, what you wanna do is add a bridge.
Tim: Right. Now... older homes, like older people, tend to groan. That's because there's a sag and weakening between the beam and the joist. "Oh, my aching beam. I got such a pain in the joist, you shouldn't know!"
Al: Our older viewers will wanna write Tim at "Tool Time, P.O. Box 32733..." Now, if you have a creak - which happens when two boards rub against each other - we have an old carpenter's remedy.
Tim: Right. Take an old squeezable ketchup bottle, fill it with talcum powder.
Al: Now, you wanna direct the talc between the boards, give it a good healthy squeeze. [Tim coats Al's face in talc] You know, I don't think many people know, but on weekends Al does mime at the mall. Look at these apples, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You're doing great.
Brad: No, I'm not. I think I should just quit. I'm no good at this.
Tim: Oh, I'm no good at a lot of things. Doesn't stop me. I don't wanna hear anything more about you quitting. [walks into the kitchen] Good news - I think he's gonna quit.
Jill: He can't quit. He's only been doing it three weeks. Besides, I really think he's getting better.
Tim: Better? He sounds like Al's mom at a luau. [imitates women singing badly]

Quote from Brad

Randy: I had no choice. Vinnie challenged me to a sled race.
Tim: So you beat the guy and he dumped you in a snowbank? That's typical of those guys.
Randy: No, they beat me, and this was part of their victory celebration.
Brad: I hate those guys.
Randy: I swear, this time I'm gonna get 'em back.
Brad: I hate those guys!
Tim: We know, Brad.

Quote from Brad

Randy: I'm just gonna walk up to Vinnie and start swinging.
Brad: No, Randy, don't be stupid. Don't try to fight Vinnie.
Tim: For once, Brad's right. Listen to him.
Brad: Get someone else to beat up Vinnie. There's this one boy in my class, his name's Troy. For a quarter, he'll punch himself in the face.
Tim: [goofy chuckle]

Quote from Jill

Jill: Mark, go get your shoes on. I'm taking you for a haircut.
Mark: Mom, I don't need a haircut.
Jill: Oh, please. I could turn you upside down and mop the floor with you. Besides, the barber is right next to Brad's saxophone teacher. I can get you a trim while he's having his lesson.
Mark: You just wanna get out of hearing Brad play.
Jill: I never said that, and if it gets around, I never said that.

Quote from Jill

Mark: Mom, can't find my shoes!
Jill: I swear, if his head wasn't attached, he'd... Oh, no. I'm channeling my mother again. I'm coming!

Quote from Randy

Tim: All right, smart guy, sit up there, let me take a look at it. Careful, careful. Ooh.
Randy: Ow!
Tim: Ooh. That hurts, huh?
Randy: No, I just have a condition that makes me say "ow" every ten minutes.

Quote from Tim

Tim: OK, let's fill this out quick. Birthday is the 18th.
Randy: 8th.
Tim: Eighth.
Tim: 97 pounds on you.
Randy: No, 80.
Tim: 80. All right. Big brown eyes.
Randy: Big blue eyes.
Tim: OK.
Buzz: Here you go, Tim. [hands him a coffee cup with "TIM" on it] Coffee just the way you like it - cream and five sugars.
Tim: Thank you, Buzz.
Buzz: Couple more sugars, they gonna be calling you Buzz.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Where is he?
Tim: He's over at Jeremy's, showing him my x-ray.
Jill: Your x-ray?
Tim: Yeah, I banged my head down there. Took an x-ray. Showed nothing.
Jill: Big surprise.
Tim: "Big surprise."

Quote from Tim

Jill: So what happened to Randy? The sled just got away from him?
Tim: You know how they are with those sleds. It gets all icy, wind catches the spoiler... [whistles]
Jill: Wait a minute. Since when do sleds have spoilers?
Tim: It's not uncommon.
Jill: I don't believe you. You powered up the sled?
Tim: Oh, I tweaked it a little bit. It's not like I put a motor on it. Although...

Quote from Jill

Tim: I suggested a more sensible alternative.
Jill: Oh, a sensible one, like sending our son barreling down a hill on a death machine to win some stupid race?
Tim: You are so wrong. This is a practice run. The race isn't till Saturday.
Jill: No, it's not.
Tim: Yes, it is. He was challenged by Vinnie.
Jill: You said that Randy challenged Vinnie.
Tim: Yeah, well, then Vinnie challenged him back. You just don't understand the intricacies of the male mind.
Jill: Yeah, explain it to me. I've got a minute.
Tim: OK. Guy A challenges guy B. If guy B accepts the challenge, guy A is automatically challenged by guy B not to back down from the challenge that A gave to guy B.
Jill: OK, let me explain to you how a woman's mind works. Guy A and guy B are both idiots, and Randy is not racing.

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