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‘Be True to Your Tool’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Be True to Your Tool

308. Be True to Your Tool

Aired November 10, 1993

Tim confronts the new CEO of Binford Tools, Wes Davidson (Joel Polis), over an inferior tool he plans to launch.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, it was Robert Ingersoll, a 19th-century lawyer, who said: "It is a blessed thing that in every age somebody has had the courage to stand by their convictions."
Tim: A lawyer said that?!
Wilson: On the other hand, I'm reminded of a general named Pyrrhus.
Tim: That's right.
Wilson: It was a Greek general who fought the Romans. His army won the war, but he lost so many men, it might just as well have been a defeat. Today we call that a Pyrrhic victory.
Tim: What are you saying? That this might not be worth the fight?
Wilson: It wasn't for Pyrrhus. It may be for you. You see, Tim, when it's a question of integrity, there are no easy answers.
Tim: I could come back. You're right, Wilson. This is really a pickle. And I don't mean that dill.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: "Whoa" is right. Look at this. The new Binford 6100 reciprocating saw. [audience gasps] Phew! Huh? Every tool Binford makes goes through a rigorous quality-control system to make sure it's top of the line. And the Binford 6100... [Wes Davidson gives Tim a thumbs up]... bombed out big-time. Al, if you wanna walk away, I'll understand.
Al: I never walk away from a tool in need. That's right. The Binford 6100 bombed out of every single test we threw at her.
Tim: And... and I bet you're wondering who's responsible for making a tool like this. It's the new president of Binford Tools, Wes Davidson. He's right over there. A man who doesn't mind a bad tool. As long as it's made by somebody else. 'Cause if it says Binford on it, it's gotta be the best. I think Wes Davidson deserves a big round of applause. Wes. Come on over here, Wes. Come on! It's because of this man you'll only see quality products in your hardware store. Wes, tell us a little bit about the problem you had developing the 6100.
Al: Please, tell us.
Wes Davidson: I'd be glad to, guys. Uh, we found that the motor was a little underpowered.
Al: And the casing?
Wes Davidson: And the casing would have been a little stronger had we used metal.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What are you gonna do with it?
Wes Davidson: Well, in the interests of the consumer, I've decided to hold off production.
Tim: [dramatic gasp] Isn't this the kind of guy you want selling you tools?
Audience: Yeah!
Tim: Uh, I got an idea. Heidi, would you bring out the Binford Big Boy ZX?
Heidi: Sure, Tim.
Tim: Here on Tool Time, when we have a tool or product that doesn't measure up to our standards, we give it an... Ooh! interesting farewell. Heidi? The Binford tool masher. Al, you wanna take the honors here?
Al: I don't think so, Tim. But perhaps Wes would like to. How about it, Mr. President?
Tim: All right! Just shove it right in there. Watch your hands! [machine whirring and clunking] And what we end up with... is the new Binford 6100... paperweight.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late. What a day! The computers all went down at work, and then I had a library fundraiser meeting, and I got this headache - I thought my head was going to explode.
Brad: Mom, we're completely out of food.
Jill: Thank you for caring. You father and I just went to the grocery store two days ago. How can there be no food? [looks in the fridge] There's no food! Gosh! You guys are just like piranhas in blue jeans. OK, um, I'll order a pizza for tonight. Tomorrow I'll go to the grocery store.
Brad: Well, can you make sure the food is here by the time we get home from school?
Jill: Why don't I just meet you at the bus stop and I can serve you as you get off.
Randy: You're always thinking, Mom.

Quote from Tim

Al: So? What are you gonna do about the reciprocating saw?
Tim: I'm gonna do my job, Al.
Al: You're not gonna promote it on the show, are you? What about your principles?
Tim: I don't wanna end up in a Pyrex victory, all right?
Al: What?

Quote from Al

Wes Davidson: Super episode. Right up there with Vila.
Tim: Thanks, Wes.
Al: Thank you, President Davidson.
Tim: He's president of Binford Tools, not the United States, Al.

Quote from Mark

Brad: There's nothing to eat in this house.
Mark: Hey, Randy. What's in the pantry?
Randy: We got some garlic powder, nutmeg and fennel.
Brad: What's fennel?
Mark: That's what Al's shirts are made of.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Here's what I'm thinking: tomorrow I'm gonna give you boys some money.
Brad: Yeah! Money!
Jill: And then I'm gonna send you to the grocery store, and you're gonna buy everything I tell you to and nothing else.
Randy: Oh, man!
Jill: And when I say potatoes I don't mean potato chips. And milk does not mean Milk Duds, OK?
Brad: Well, can we at least get something sweet?
Jill: You could buy me some flowers - that'd be sweet.

Quote from Mark

Tim: Binford's coming out with a new saw. I get to promote it on the show. Tonight I get to try it out in the garage - if you'll help move the hot rod chassis out.
Brad: Is it a power saw?
Tim: You bet.
Randy: I'll get the candles.
Mark: I'll get the Band-Aids.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Honey, are you still here? It's two in the morning.
Tim: Come over here, Jill. Look at this. Know what I found out when I took this apart?
Jill: That you couldn't put it back together?
Tim: This is an inferior tool. I'm embarrassed to have it in the garage breathing the same air as the rest of my stuff.
Jill: Honey, I know they're like little people to you, but get a grip.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Mom, we're back! We got everything on the list.
Jill: Everything?
Brad: Well, everything except the garlic gloves.
Jill: Garlic gloves? That's garlic cloves, honey.
Randy: Oh. Then we had Mark smelling gloves for nothing.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Did you buy anything that wasn't damaged?
Randy: Yeah, the chicken. We couldn't find any dented ones.
Jill: Why didn't you just throw it up against the wall before you got to the register?
Brad: See, Randy? I told you we should do that.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Hi, everybody. Back from shopping. How'd it go? There's no labels on these. What is it? It could be succotash or dog food.
Randy: Well, with the way Mom cooks, I don't think it makes a difference.
Jill: [o.s.] I heard that!

Quote from Tim

Wes Davidson: You know, Al, I really enjoyed the "What's New" segment, and it started my little gray cells churning.
Tim: Seems like it churned the hair right off your head.
Wes Davidson: Hey! Hey. The hair's off-limits, Taylor.
Tim: [quietly] It's off your scalp, too.

Quote from Tim

Wes Davidson: I thought it would be perfect if you could give it a sneak preview on Friday's segment.
Al: That's a very good idea. We can see now why you're number one.
Wes Davidson: Thanks, Al. Well, back to work. Bye, Al. See you, Timmy.
Tim: So long, Wessy.
Al: See you, Mr. President.
Tim: Why don't you just glue your lips to his butt?
Al: There's no need to be snitty. Besides, I think you're overlooking something very important that has just happened here.
Both: We got a new tool!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, everybody.
Jill: Oh, hi.
Kids: Hi, Dad.
Tim: How is the best gosh-darn family in the whole world?
Jill: You got a new tool, didn't you?
Tim: [grunts] Yeah!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look at these washers. These are plastic washers, plastic screws. I knew this'd happen when Davidson took over. He doesn't care about quality the way I do.
Jill: No kidding. I saw his wife at a Christmas party.
Tim: Binford would have never made a tool like this. The length of the stroke isn't even half an inch.
Jill: Well, that may be obvious to you and me, but... Davidson may not know that this is a bad tool.
Tim: How could he not know this is a bad tool?
Jill: He's been sitting behind a desk for ten years.
Tim: You know, you're right. Even when we were selling tools together... Get this, he didn't know the difference between a spline shank and a two-flute. [Jill scoffs] That was exactly my reaction.

Quote from Al

Wes Davidson: How are you guys? You want anything?
Tim: We want you to scrap production on the 6100.
Wes Davidson: I was thinking more along the lines of coffee or tea.
Tim: It's an inferior tool. Both Al and I agree.
Wes Davidson: Is this true, Al?
Al: [knocks over the globe] I would like some tea.
Tim: The point is I took it home last night and fiddled around with it. Al tried it this morning. The motor's really too small, Wes. There's all those plastic parts in it.
Al: Do you have chamomile?

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know what they say, honey. A weasel is a weasel... is a weasel!
Jill: That good, huh?
Tim: Well, I guess the bottom line is, I either promote the tool or he fires me.
Jill: What?
Tim: Well, I don't think he can hurt "The Tool Man" Tim Taylor.
Jill: Tim, he's the president of the company. He has the power to fire you.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Who's he gonna replace me with? Borland? Al's show now? Flannel Time? Who's gonna watch that?

Quote from Tim

Tim: I didn't tell you about being on the road, though. Staying in hotels - you get to make a big mess and someone else cleans up after you.
Mark: Doesn't Mom do that?
Tim: Yeah, but the chambermaid doesn't give you those nasty looks. You get to eat all the food you want - get bloated and all gassy at night.
Mark: That doesn't sound so good.
Tim: Oh, but rental cars. You can do whatever you want to 'em. Commuter flights. "Is that wing supposed to be doing that?" Oh, boy. Staying up late. And talking to your kids by phone. Never being home for holidays. I hated doing that.
Mark: Dad, if you were a tool salesman, you'd never be home with us.
Tim: I wanna be home with you guys. I wanna do Tool Time. That's really the life I like.

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