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‘A House Divided’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: A House Divided

418. A House Divided

Aired February 21, 1995

The Taylors have an unwelcome house guest after Tim blows up Benny's aunt's house.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hey, guys, can you keep it down?
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Come on, Benny.
Benny: Hiya, roomie.
Jill: I beg your pardon?
Tim: Didn't I tell you I was gonna tell her?
Benny: Tim blew up my house. Need I say more?
Tim: I didn't blow up your house. I didn't blow up his house.

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Quote from Tim

Al: Benny! Did your aunt happen to mention that there's also a gas leak in the stove?
Benny: Maybe. It's hard to understand her when she's not wearing her teeth.
Al: You realize there's the possibility gas has been leaking into this house for the last half hour? The slightest spark could cause combustion.
Benny: Take it easy. I disconnected all the electrical appliances like you told me.
Al: Ah, good.
Benny: Except that lamp over there. But you don't have to worry. It's the kind that only goes on when you clap.
Tim: Come on, guys. Let's go. [claps]
[After Al and Benny see the lamp turn on, Al grabs Tim and they dive for cover before the house explodes]
Tim: Let me guess. There was another leak?
Al: The stove.
Tim: Benny!

Quote from Benny

Benny: Can you guys loan me a space heater?
Al: What for?
Benny: The furnace in my residence has a gas leak. I don't have the means to get it fixed.
Harry: What kind of dump are you living in now?
Benny: For your edification, it's an eight-room house. One room, I'm not sure what it is. It's got a lot of books in it.
Tim: The bathroom.
Al: You can't afford an eight-room house.
Benny: True, but my beloved aunt is in Florida for a few months. And while the aunt's away, the nephew will stay.
Tim: My guess is he won't pay.
Benny: And I'm covered till May.

Quote from Benny

Al: Hey, a leaky gas valve can be very dangerous.
Tim: That's right, Benny. It really is.
Benny: Relax. It was shut off weeks ago, the gas.
Harry: So that means you don't have any hot water?
Tim: That means you can't take a shower? [Tim, Al and Harry step away from Benny]
Benny: Not to worry. I boil the water on my hot plate and give myself a nightly sponge bath.
Tim: Makes you glad you're not a sponge, huh?

Quote from Benny

Tim: Wait a minute. We could help him out. Why don't we take a Tool Time crew over there and fix the furnace for that heating and cooling special we're doing on the show?
Al: That's a good idea.
Tim: Yeah.
Benny: And Tim, you yourself would do the repairs?
Tim: Yeah.
Benny: Forget it.
Tim: It's free.
Benny: I'm in.

Quote from Benny

Tim: That's just how I see it, all right?
Benny: I don't care. You blew up my house.
Tim: I didn't blow up your house.
Benny: Who clapped?
Tim: I've clapped a million times. It's probably the one thing I've done that hasn't caused an explosion.
Benny: Till now.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Why did his house have to blow up?
Randy: Ask Mr. Claphappy. [claps]
Tim: I didn't blow up the house.
Jill: Tim, you gotta find him a place to stay.
Tim: I've tried to find him a place to stay. Harry won't take him. He laughed and hung up. I even called some sisters, they hung up on me.
Jill: His own sisters won't take him in?
Tim: No, no, no. I'm talking about the sisters at the Perpetual Mercy Mission.

Quote from Benny

Tim: Um, we can schedule this Monday morning, early, we got to be there about 6am.
Benny: Monday's no good for me. I got my Gamblers Anonymous meeting.
Al: Well, how about Tuesday?
Benny: Also no good. I'm going to the track.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi. I'm Tim Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al Borland. We're here on location at the Baroni home.
Al: Our project today is fixing a gas furnace. And if we have time, maybe we'll fix this broken windowpane, maybe put on some new gutters, maybe some new shutters.
Tim: Maybe we'll do a TV show. Maybe we'll call it Tool Time. Maybe I'll be the host and you'll be the humorless assistant.
Al: Maybe.

Quote from Benny

Tim: Morning, Benny.
Benny: Hey, Tim, I hope you don't mind. I borrowed your bathrobe.
Jill: That's my bathrobe.
Benny: I should've known. It feels so soft against my body. I'll put it back.
Jill: Keep it.

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