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‘A House Divided’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: A House Divided

418. A House Divided

Aired February 21, 1995

The Taylors have an unwelcome house guest after Tim blows up Benny's aunt's house.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hey, guys, can you keep it down?
Tim: Yeah, yeah. Come on, Benny.
Benny: Hiya, roomie.
Jill: I beg your pardon?
Tim: Didn't I tell you I was gonna tell her?
Benny: Tim blew up my house. Need I say more?
Tim: I didn't blow up your house. I didn't blow up his house.

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Quote from Tim

Al: Benny! Did your aunt happen to mention that there's also a gas leak in the stove?
Benny: Maybe. It's hard to understand her when she's not wearing her teeth.
Al: You realize there's the possibility gas has been leaking into this house for the last half hour? The slightest spark could cause combustion.
Benny: Take it easy. I disconnected all the electrical appliances like you told me.
Al: Ah, good.
Benny: Except that lamp over there. But you don't have to worry. It's the kind that only goes on when you clap.
Tim: Come on, guys. Let's go. [claps]
[After Al and Benny see the lamp turn on, Al grabs Tim and they dive for cover before the house explodes]
Tim: Let me guess. There was another leak?
Al: The stove.
Tim: Benny!

Quote from Benny

Benny: Can you guys loan me a space heater?
Al: What for?
Benny: The furnace in my residence has a gas leak. I don't have the means to get it fixed.
Harry: What kind of dump are you living in now?
Benny: For your edification, it's an eight-room house. One room, I'm not sure what it is. It's got a lot of books in it.
Tim: The bathroom.
Al: You can't afford an eight-room house.
Benny: True, but my beloved aunt is in Florida for a few months. And while the aunt's away, the nephew will stay.
Tim: My guess is he won't pay.
Benny: And I'm covered till May.

Quote from Benny

Al: Hey, a leaky gas valve can be very dangerous.
Tim: That's right, Benny. It really is.
Benny: Relax. It was shut off weeks ago, the gas.
Harry: So that means you don't have any hot water?
Tim: That means you can't take a shower? [Tim, Al and Harry step away from Benny]
Benny: Not to worry. I boil the water on my hot plate and give myself a nightly sponge bath.
Tim: Makes you glad you're not a sponge, huh?

Quote from Benny

Tim: Wait a minute. We could help him out. Why don't we take a Tool Time crew over there and fix the furnace for that heating and cooling special we're doing on the show?
Al: That's a good idea.
Tim: Yeah.
Benny: And Tim, you yourself would do the repairs?
Tim: Yeah.
Benny: Forget it.
Tim: It's free.
Benny: I'm in.

Quote from Benny

Tim: That's just how I see it, all right?
Benny: I don't care. You blew up my house.
Tim: I didn't blow up your house.
Benny: Who clapped?
Tim: I've clapped a million times. It's probably the one thing I've done that hasn't caused an explosion.
Benny: Till now.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Why did his house have to blow up?
Randy: Ask Mr. Claphappy. [claps]
Tim: I didn't blow up the house.
Jill: Tim, you gotta find him a place to stay.
Tim: I've tried to find him a place to stay. Harry won't take him. He laughed and hung up. I even called some sisters, they hung up on me.
Jill: His own sisters won't take him in?
Tim: No, no, no. I'm talking about the sisters at the Perpetual Mercy Mission.

Quote from Benny

Tim: Um, we can schedule this Monday morning, early, we got to be there about 6am.
Benny: Monday's no good for me. I got my Gamblers Anonymous meeting.
Al: Well, how about Tuesday?
Benny: Also no good. I'm going to the track.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi. I'm Tim Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al Borland. We're here on location at the Baroni home.
Al: Our project today is fixing a gas furnace. And if we have time, maybe we'll fix this broken windowpane, maybe put on some new gutters, maybe some new shutters.
Tim: Maybe we'll do a TV show. Maybe we'll call it Tool Time. Maybe I'll be the host and you'll be the humorless assistant.
Al: Maybe.

Quote from Benny

Tim: Morning, Benny.
Benny: Hey, Tim, I hope you don't mind. I borrowed your bathrobe.
Jill: That's my bathrobe.
Benny: I should've known. It feels so soft against my body. I'll put it back.
Jill: Keep it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hello. Anybody home? Tim?
Tim: Under here.
Jill: Oh, I picked up my application for graduate school. You know what? I have to write an essay on why I'd make a good psychologist.
Tim: Well that's easy. Tell them you're the kind of person who gives people advice whether they want it or not.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Just putting a little attachment on your garbage disposal.
Jill: Don't touch that! It's working fine.
Tim: Oh, it's working fine if you want to grind up normal stuff, which it doesn't do that well anyway, but I got a vision. I'm talking about real stuff - whole corn on the cob with the husk included. Avocado pits? Heck, avocado trees ought to go down this thing. Other tool guys ask, "Why?" This tool man asks, "Why not?"
Jill: This tool man's wife asks, "Why me?"
Tim: I'll show you why, you. Just in case you need extra power. [motor revving] [Tim drops whole cobs of corn down the disposal]

Quote from Harry

Harry: Hey, Al, I wish you'd stop cleaning, you know. You're a partner, not a janitor.
Al: I know, but I don't mind. You see, I feel a tidy hardware store is a successful hardware store. Isn't that your philosophy?
Harry: [throws nuts on the ground] In a nutshell.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Benny: Tool Time.
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is on location with Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, let's go take a peek at our leak. Watch your step, buddy. Speaking of peeks, aren't those drawers a little tight on you, Al? [hits head on pipe] Ow!
Al: Well, here we are in the basement.
Tim: Good observation, Al. Maybe tomorrow you can tell people what that big room upstairs is with the stove in it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. Fixing that leaky valve involves taking the plate off this old furnace here. Sometimes these old furnaces are tough, you know. You gotta... Oh, boy! When they're old like this, you gotta really... [Al effortlessly lifts the cover off] Yeah, right. After I loosened it for you. Marv, if you get down here, we'll find that valve. In these ones they're hard to see 'cause sometimes they're... [Al points Tim's flashlight to the valve] right there in front of you. There's that pesky little devil, there. Now, the first thing we wanna do is loosen up the flexible connector with a seven-eighths-inch wrench. All right.
Al: Then you wanna loosen the module control wires, here.
Tim: Then you wanna loosen up Al with a stiff martini.
Al: Simply unscrew the old gas valve like that. Now we're ready for the new one. However, before we put this in, we want to seal the valve at both the gas inlet and outlet. For that we need a compound known as plumber's dope. Tim, where's the plumber's dope?
Tim: [goofy voice] It's right here. Ha ha ha ha! Sorry I'm late. Hi, Al. Sorry I'm late. I thought the basement was upstairs. Ha ha ha.

Quote from Benny

Heidi: Hey, that was a really great show.
Al: Thank you, Heidi. You know, on these location Tool Times, sometimes I feel the audience gets to see the real Al.
Benny: If you don't zip up your fly, the real Al's gonna make a personal appearance. [laughs]

Quote from Randy

Jill: Did it ever occur to you that I might not have time to fulfill all your snacking needs because there might be something more important going on in my life?
Brad: Yeah, right.
Jill: I'm trying to finish my application to graduate school.
Randy: I thought you were already in graduate school.
Brad & Mark: Me too.
Jill: I can't believe you guys. I've been taking undergraduate courses since September. You have no idea what I've been doing in school?
Randy: Well, your teacher didn't send home any notes. We assumed everything was fine.

Quote from Benny

Tim: There was a gas leak at his Aunt's house and we tried to fix it, and there was an explosion.
Jill: Oh, Benny, I'm so sorry.
Tim: So I said until we figure out what we should do, he should stay here.
Benny: Don't worry. Tim said he's gonna fix up the house better than new. And I won't be an imposition. You won't even know I'm here.
Jill: Exactly, how long won't we know that you're here?
Tim: A couple of days.
Benny: Indefinitely.

Quote from Tim

Benny: [o.s.] [singing] Funicula.... funiculi... funicula...
Tim: Well, either Benny's singing or there's a sick cow in this house.
Brad: How come we're not eating eggs?
Tim: Benny ate 'em.
Mark: Or bacon?
Jill: Benny.
Randy: Toast?
Tim: Benny.
Jill: Who ties up the phone, puts their dark laundry in with our whites, sleeps all day, watches TV all night?
Tim: Benny.
Brad: Who do we want out of the house?
All: Benny!

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