Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Great Race’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Great Race

225. The Great Race

Aired May 19, 1993

When Bob Vila returns to Tool Time, Tim agrees to take part in a lawn mower race for charity.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, ignore him. He's always in a snit when Bob Vila's on the show.
Karen: Isn't he the guy that has that national tool show that Tim ripped off?
Tim: Don't start, Karen, please. All I've heard all week long is, "Bob Vila this, Bob Vila that." What does Bob Vila have that I don't?
Karen: High ratings.
Jill: Fans.
Karen: Big salary.
Tim: Are you through?
Jill: Oh, pookie. We're just kidding. Remember, you have something to be proud of that Bob Vila does not have.
Tim: Oh, yeah. What?
Jill: Al.

Rate

Quote from Tim

Tim: Yeah, thanks, Officer. I'll make sure I get those tickets for Tool Time for you. You bet. So... how was your day?
Jill: Well... When I heard on the news that there was a lawn mower running amuck down I-96, with a police helicopter in hot pursuit, I thought to myself, "Could this be my husband?" Are you all right?
Tim: Pretty good chance of that. Yeah, I'm all right. There's good news and bad news. The bad news is... I got a ticket and they impounded the lawn mower.
Jill: What's the good news?
Tim: Good news is... I mowed 40 lawns and made 186 bucks.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you know, Bob is also here to promote one of my favorite charities.
Tim: The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Flannel.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, Tim, I just hope you're not a poor loser.
Tim: Al, I think the audience knows just what kind of loser I am.
Al: Experienced.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Brad and Randy made me eat a tadpole.
Jill: A what?
Mark: A tadpole.
Jill: Where are they?
Mark: They ran away.
Jill: Well, Mark, you're gonna be fine.
Karen: I'll get you a glass of water.
Mark: No! Not water!
Karen: OK.
Mark: It's turning into a frog.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Tim, would the boys be in trouble?
Tim: Big trouble. They made Mark eat a tadpole, so Jill's making them think they're having tadpole soup.
Wilson: Mm-hm. Well, if you want to try the real thing, why don't you come over to my house on Saturday night?

Quote from Al

Tim: Bob, why don't you take a seat right here? Now, a lot of people think there's a big rivalry between Bob and I, but actually there's a lot of mutual respect between us. Right, Bob?
Bob Vila: Absolutely, Jim.
Tim: It's Tim.
Bob Vila: [chuckles] I was just pulling your leg, buddy. Just kidding.
Al: [snorts] I don't... I don't know if we can have Bob on the show anymore. My... my sides are about to split.
Bob Vila: Al, you've got a wonderful sense of humor.
Tim: Doesn't he, though?

Quote from Tim

Karen: What is it?
Tim: What is it? It's a riding lawn mower with a jet engine off a Chinook helicopter.
Jill: Are you out of your mind? You put a jet engine on a lawn mower?
Tim: No, but thanks for thinking I could. I borrowed this. It's on loan from the US Lawn Mower Racing Association.
Karen: Why would anyone do this?
Tim: Think about it. You got riding lawn mower, you got jet engine. Sooner or later, somebody was gonna put 'em together.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Think about it, Wilson. I'll be driving the fastest riding lawn mower on earth.
Wilson: Uh-huh, uh-huh-huh-huh.
Tim: I'm gonna be a lawn-mowing legend. [grunts]
Wilson: Well, Tim. It sounds to me like you're dealing with hubris.
Tim: Hubris? What's that in English?
Wilson: It is English. It means "excessive pride."
Tim: Oh, yeah, I got that. [grunts]
Wilson: Not necessarily a good thing.
Tim: I don't have that. I don't want it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We invited our viewers to vote for their all-time favorite guest here on Tool Time, and today we'll announce the winner.
Al: That's right. You were able to go down to your local hardware store and pick up a ballot that listed every single guest we've ever had on Tool Time, although Bob Vila was left off that list.
Tim: Computer error, Al. Anyway, our three finalists are George Foreman, Mario and Michael Andretti, and Dwayne, from the K&B Construction Company. From our ever-widening audience, we've had thousands of viewers write in. Lisa, what's the final count?
Lisa: 112 postcards, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Lisa. And the winner for the most popular guest here on Tool Time is... I got goose bumps, I really do. What? No. Mario and Michael Andretti. [applause]
Al: Tim, that's not what... That's not what it... That's not what it says.
Tim: Yes, it does.
Al: No, it... No, it doesn't.
Tim: Yes, it does.
Al: Does not.
Tim: Does too.
Al: Bob Vila. [applause]

Quote from Tim

Tim: It can't... It can't be... It cannot be Bob Vila. It can't be Bob Vila. I erased his name... Computer error took his name off that list.
Al: Well, maybe the viewers did what I did and wrote his name in.
Lisa: That's what I did.
Tim: Write-ins weren't allowed, Lisa.
Lisa: Al told me I could.
Tim: He did, did he?
Al: Yes, I did. So please join us next time when we'll meet our winning guest, Bob Vila. So popular that, even though he was deliberately left off the ballot, won with a write-in campaign.
Tim: So join us next time on Tool Time, when Bob and Al discuss how to remove crusty food from their beards. See you next time on Tool Time.

Quote from Tim

Karen: Tim, you're so tense. Maybe you should come and pamper yourself at Adriana's.
Jill: Yeah, yeah. They have manicures and pedicures for men.
Tim: Let me tell you two gals something. Men don't let other people touch their feet. A real man clips his own toenails and flicks them in his wife's hair.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, Tim. This is the big day.
Tim: It sure is. We get to that subfloor.
Al: Ooh. I don't think that's why the audience is watching today. I'm sure that, like me, they're all excited about seeing our favorite-guest-contest winner.
Tim: Aren't we all, Al. Aren't we all. Now, the subfloor will start...
Al: Tim. Why don't we introduce our favorite guest?
Tim: Why not? Our favorite guest is someone a few of you may know...
Al: I think we all know Bob and love him.
Tim: Are we gonna have to hose you down, Al?
Al: Let me introduce the paterfamilias of home repair, Mr. Bob Vila.

Quote from Tim

Bob Vila: Thank you. Thanks for that warm welcome.
Lisa: Mr. Vila, I just want you to know I'm one of your biggest fans. In my opinion, you've completely redefined television home repair.
Tim: Lisa.
Lisa: Right. [exits]

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tell me you're not gonna race this thing.
Tim: Technically it won't be a race. It's just an exhibition with... Bob Vila.
Jill: I should have known. Whenever Bob Vila's on the show, you turn everything into a competition.
Tim: Jill, this is for charity.
Jill: No, it's not. It's to compete.
Tim: Honey, this is no competition. This is gonna be a slaughter. I'll be at the finish line and Bob Vila will be back there at the starting post picking mulch out of his beard. "See you, Bobby."
Karen: How fast does this thing go?
Tim: Right now, this gearing, about 62. But if I regear it, 94 I'll get out of it.
Jill: And after they pry you out of this with the crowbar, I'll turn to the crowd and say: "He was a nice man, a good man, but not a bright man."
Tim: Honey, this'll mow a football field in 11 seconds.

Quote from Randy

Mark: Hi, guys. Where did you go?
Brad: We went down to the creek and caught some tadpoles.
Mark: Why didn't you come and get me?
Brad: We looked all over and we couldn't find you.
Mark: I was in my room.
Randy: Boy, Brad. The one place we didn't look.

Quote from Randy

Mark: Why don't you take me anywhere with you guys?
Brad: It's because you always rat on us.
Mark: Promise I won't rat on you again.
Randy: Oh, really? Hey, Brad. Maybe we should make him take the test.
Brad: Yeah, the test.
Mark: What test?
Randy: The tadpole secrecy test.
Mark: What's that?
Brad: You have to put a live tadpole in your mouth.
Mark: Ew! No way!
Randy: OK, fine. But then you don't get to come to the creek with us and build a raft. See ya.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Mark, you weren't supposed to swallow the tadpole.
Mark: [coughing] What's gonna happen?
Randy: Well, it's gonna swim around inside you and grow into a frog.
Brad: Yep. Ribbit, ribbit.
Mark: Shut up, Brad!
Randy: Hey, Mark. I wouldn't drink any water. Might make it grow faster.
Mark: I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad on you.
Brad: Oh, yeah, like Mom and Dad are gonna believe that we made you eat a tadpole.
Randy: Brad... I wouldn't use that argument.
Mark: Mom!

Quote from Tim

Tim: What happened?
Jill: Brad and Randy made Mark eat a tadpole. [Tim laughs] This is not funny. It's a terrible thing to do.
Tim: Oh, come on. They're boys. What's the big deal? When I was little, I made one of my brothers eat spaghetti. It had an earthworm in it.
Jill: Oh, Tim.
Tim: Please. Steve didn't even know it was in there until... one of the noodles tried to crawl back out. It was great. Oh, he paid me back. He made me eat my mashed potatoes with a big cockroach in there.
Karen: Oh!
Jill: Tim!
Tim: Oh, quit ohing. They're good. They're crunchy. They're not bad.

Quote from Jill

Tim: What's that smell?
Jill: It's clam chowder... Mushrooms, raisin and little bits of liver.
Tim: Ugh!
Jill: I want Brad and Randy to think it's tadpole soup.
Tim: That's disgusting. I love it.
Jill: I'm just going with the flow. Go out and tell them that the soup is on. [sinister laugh]

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode