Brad: You know, I can't believe this. I mean, there's nothing they can do about this?
Tim: I'm with Brad. Somebody's got to be held accountable for this.
Jill: You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do.
Tim: Well, maybe there's nothing they can do. There's something I can do. I'm the guy that delivered a baby after being crowned "Car Guy of the Year." The same night! I'm the guy that built a lawnmower that can do 12 seconds in the quarter mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill into geosynchronous orbit. So, don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm The Tool Man! I can fix anything!
Jill: Okay. Fine. Then zip up your fly and let's go.

Brad: Well, my car got stolen.
Tim: What?
Brad: Yeah, right in front of the high school. You know, I always had a bad feeling about that place.
Jill: I can't believe it.
Tim: Did you call the police?
Brad: Yeah, I called the police. Then I had to ride home on that stupid yellow bus.
Tim: Well, what did they say?
Brad: "Hey, what's the cool guy doing on the bus?"

Wilson: You know, I was robbed once when I was 12. I was riding my brother's unicycle.
Tim: Did they steal one of your tires?
Wilson: No, no. This big bully came, pushed me off and took it.
Tim: What did you do?
Wilson: I didn't do anything. It was that hooligan Terry Zavacas. Sold it. I didn't have any evidence.
Tim: So you never caught him?
Wilson: Her. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I mean, just talking about it right now is just bringing up all these ugly memories. God, I hated Terry Zavacas and...
Tim: Wilson! Wilson!
Wilson: that sleazy band of...
Tim: Hey, calm down, buddy.

Tim: That's a great idea, matching the funds for his car. That's wonderful.
Jill: Well, I did it 'cause I want him to have a really cool car, and money is no object when it comes to my oldest son getting a really bitching set of wheels.
Tim: The money's coming out of my car budget, isn't it?
Jill: Oh, yeah.

Tim: I'll get an old Mercury. I'll chop it. I'll make a custom out of it. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! An old Camaro! Update it, put a Vette rear end in it. I got it!
Brad: Dad...
Tim: No. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop. I'll go with it...
Brad: Dad.
Tim: Maybe I'll get an off-the-road thing.
Brad: Dad!
Tim: Hold on! Let me...
Brad: Dad!
Tim: What?
Brad: This is my car.

Brad: I got all the pictures of me and the Mustang.
Tim: Let me take a look at them.
Brad: All right. Oh, here we are at the gas station.
Tim: Yeah.
Brad: Here I am giving it its first oil change.
Tim: Nice.
Brad: Oh, here I am putting on five coats of wax.
Tim: Carnauba?
Brad: Oh, yeah. Oh, here we are just being silly.
Tim: Hey, that's the one with me.
Brad: Yeah.
Tim: Too bad you didn't get a reprint for me.
Brad: Oh, Dad, I am way ahead of you, man. [pulls out a photo frame]

George: Can I help you?
Al: No, no. We're just browsing.
George: Well, if you need anything, my name is George.
Al: Oh, my God, Tim! That's the guy we met in prison. I know it! You know, when we were scalping tickets? He'll never recognize us with these get-ups on.
George: Hey, wait a minute. Were you guys ever in county jail? I think we showered together.
Al: I don't think so. You must have me mistaken with some other gentleman.

Al: All right. I think that we found what we were looking for.
Tim: All right. What do we owe you for that?
Carl: Hundred bucks and it's yours.
Al: And I'm sure you'll probably want it in cash. [swings body around so the camera faces both men]
Tim: Just pay the man, Bobby.
Al: All right. I'll pay. I'll pay them, all right. And so will they. [removes camera from fanny-pack]
George: Hey, what is that? Some kind of video recorder?
Tim: No. That's his artificial heart.
George: He keeps an artificial heart in his fanny pack?
Al: HMOs. What are you gonna do? [pounds on his chest]

Brad: All right, guys, I'll be home by midnight. What car should I take?
Tim: Better take the Nomad. I'm gonna use the Mustang for the hockey game.
Jill: No, you can't take the Nomad. I'm going to the movies with Patty.
Brad: What about the Healey? Is it running? [Tim & Jill laugh] Guys, what am I supposed to use for transportation?
Tim: Use your bike.
Brad: Dad, I'm going on a date.
Tim: You ride up to her house, you ring the bell a couple of times, chicks dig that stuff.

Heidi: And now we're under the hood completing a compression test.
Tim: Compression test is a great way to find out if your rings are in good shape or if you've had a crack in the block.
Al: Now, my gauge should read between 120 and 130 pounds.
Tim: The last time your gauge read that, you were six years old.