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‘Chop Shop 'Til You Drop’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Home Improvement: Chop Shop 'Til You Drop

813. Chop Shop 'Til You Drop

Aired January 5, 1999

After Brad's new car is stolen, Tim an Al go undercover at a salvage yard selling stolen parts.

Quote from Tim

Brad: You know, I can't believe this. I mean, there's nothing they can do about this?
Tim: I'm with Brad. Somebody's got to be held accountable for this.
Jill: You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do.
Tim: Well, maybe there's nothing they can do. There's something I can do. I'm the guy that delivered a baby after being crowned "Car Guy of the Year." The same night! I'm the guy that built a lawnmower that can do 12 seconds in the quarter mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill into geosynchronous orbit. So, don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm The Tool Man! I can fix anything!
Jill: Okay. Fine. Then zip up your fly and let's go.

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Quote from Brad

Brad: Well, my car got stolen.
Tim: What?
Brad: Yeah, right in front of the high school. You know, I always had a bad feeling about that place.
Jill: I can't believe it.
Tim: Did you call the police?
Brad: Yeah, I called the police. Then I had to ride home on that stupid yellow bus.
Tim: Well, what did they say?
Brad: "Hey, what's the cool guy doing on the bus?"

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, I was robbed once when I was 12. I was riding my brother's unicycle.
Tim: Did they steal one of your tires?
Wilson: No, no. This big bully came, pushed me off and took it.
Tim: What did you do?
Wilson: I didn't do anything. It was that hooligan Terry Zavacas. Sold it. I didn't have any evidence.
Tim: So you never caught him?
Wilson: Her. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I mean, just talking about it right now is just bringing up all these ugly memories. God, I hated Terry Zavacas and...
Tim: Wilson! Wilson!
Wilson: that sleazy band of...
Tim: Hey, calm down, buddy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'll get an old Mercury. I'll chop it. I'll make a custom out of it. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! An old Camaro! Update it, put a Vette rear end in it. I got it!
Brad: Dad...
Tim: No. Wait a minute. Stop. Stop. I'll go with it...
Brad: Dad.
Tim: Maybe I'll get an off-the-road thing.
Brad: Dad!
Tim: Hold on! Let me...
Brad: Dad!
Tim: What?
Brad: This is my car.

Quote from Jill

Tim: That's a great idea, matching the funds for his car. That's wonderful.
Jill: Well, I did it 'cause I want him to have a really cool car, and money is no object when it comes to my oldest son getting a really bitching set of wheels.
Tim: The money's coming out of my car budget, isn't it?
Jill: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Brad

Brad: I got all the pictures of me and the Mustang.
Tim: Let me take a look at them.
Brad: All right. Oh, here we are at the gas station.
Tim: Yeah.
Brad: Here I am giving it its first oil change.
Tim: Nice.
Brad: Oh, here I am putting on five coats of wax.
Tim: Carnauba?
Brad: Oh, yeah. Oh, here we are just being silly.
Tim: Hey, that's the one with me.
Brad: Yeah.
Tim: Too bad you didn't get a reprint for me.
Brad: Oh, Dad, I am way ahead of you, man. [pulls out a photo frame]

Quote from Al

George: Can I help you?
Al: No, no. We're just browsing.
George: Well, if you need anything, my name is George.
Al: Oh, my God, Tim! That's the guy we met in prison. I know it! You know, when we were scalping tickets? He'll never recognize us with these get-ups on.
George: Hey, wait a minute. Were you guys ever in county jail? I think we showered together.
Al: I don't think so. You must have me mistaken with some other gentleman.

Quote from Al

Al: All right. I think that we found what we were looking for.
Tim: All right. What do we owe you for that?
Carl: Hundred bucks and it's yours.
Al: And I'm sure you'll probably want it in cash. [swings body around so the camera faces both men]
Tim: Just pay the man, Bobby.
Al: All right. I'll pay. I'll pay them, all right. And so will they. [removes camera from fanny-pack]
George: Hey, what is that? Some kind of video recorder?
Tim: No. That's his artificial heart.
George: He keeps an artificial heart in his fanny pack?
Al: HMOs. What are you gonna do? [pounds on his chest]

Quote from Tim

Brad: All right, guys, I'll be home by midnight. What car should I take?
Tim: Better take the Nomad. I'm gonna use the Mustang for the hockey game.
Jill: No, you can't take the Nomad. I'm going to the movies with Patty.
Brad: What about the Healey? Is it running? [Tim & Jill laugh] Guys, what am I supposed to use for transportation?
Tim: Use your bike.
Brad: Dad, I'm going on a date.
Tim: You ride up to her house, you ring the bell a couple of times, chicks dig that stuff.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: And now we're under the hood completing a compression test.
Tim: Compression test is a great way to find out if your rings are in good shape or if you've had a crack in the block.
Al: Now, my gauge should read between 120 and 130 pounds.
Tim: The last time your gauge read that, you were six years old.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, it's time to start dealing. Right, Brad? All right.
Al: Let's meet the owner of this beauty. Let's have a warm Tool Time welcome for Mr. Michael McCready.
Tim: Well, Mike, you did something to your hair, huh?
Thelma: I'm Thelma, Michael's mother. I'm the actual owner of the car. Mikey was just helping me out showing it to you. Oh, here. I brought you kids some homemade jelly donuts.
Al: Well, thank you.
Tim: This is the oldest trick in the book. Send an old lady to soften up the buyer with fresh donuts. I'm on to you, Granny.
Al: I'm sorry, Mrs. McCready. I apologize for Tim's behavior.
Thelma: That's okay. I've seen Tool Time. I know that sometimes he can be a real schmo.

Quote from Tim

Thelma: Have a donut, Al.
Al: Oh, no. I couldn't. Not while I'm working.
Thelma: Oh, I made them with my special boysenberry filling.
Al: Really? Well, maybe just one.
Tim: Lesson number one. You want to make sure that the seller is honest and trustworthy. Which begs the question, why would a woman who voted for, I'm guessing, Calvin Coolidge be selling a V-8 Mustang?
Thelma: Well, actually, it was my late husband's car.
Tim: Oh, the old late-husband routine, you know. What we're going to hear now is you only drive it to church on Sunday?
Thelma: Oh, no. We took the Trans Am.

Quote from Al

Heidi: And now it's time for the all-important negotiation. That's right.
Al: Now, all used cars have a blue book value. Low book is what a dealer might pay for it. High book is what he'd sell it for. Thelma's asking price came right in the middle, $4,000.
Tim: All right. I'll give you $2,500 for it.
Thelma: $2,500? After all the work we put in this car? You take another look under the hood. It's as clean as a whistle.
Al: Well, Tim, it does look pretty clean to me. [Al's donut drips on the motor]
Tim: Well, it was until you slobbered jelly all over it.
Al: Geez, I'm sorry!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Oh, now it's all dirty. You'll have to knock off a little. How about $2,450? Do we have a deal?
Thelma: No, we do not. And I'm insulted by your offer and your disrespectful attitude. I'm not gonna sell you this car.
Tim: All right, $2,750 and I'll give you a ride home.
Thelma: No deal, Tool Man. I'm taking my wheels and leaving.
Tim: All right. All right. All right. $3,000. And that's my final offer.
Thelma: And here's my final offer. Bite me!

Quote from Tim

Brad: Dad, you're blowing the deal.
Tim: All right. I'm willing to go to $3,500. $3,500, that's fair.
Thelma: Forget it! Put the spark plug back in and give me my key.
Brad: Please, Mrs. McCready. I really want that car.
Thelma: Oh, you seem like a nice boy. You must take after your mom. All right. I'll let you have it for $2,500.
Tim: All right! See? $2,500 it is.
Thelma: Plus the cost of the donuts.
Tim: Okay. What could they cost?
Thelma: $2,000.

Quote from Mark

Jill: How's the stew coming?
Mark: I don't know. I've never done this before.
Jill: Oh, well, honey, it's your first time, you know? And that's always kind of... [eats] This is incredible. What did you do?
Mark: Well, you know, I followed the recipe and made sure you didn't touch it.
Jill: Good going.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [on the phone] Hello, Officer. Yeah. This is Tim Taylor. Well, apparently, my son's car just got stolen at the high school. And I'm giving away free Tool Time tickets to the first group of guys that find it. [faint chuckle] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! You know, I fail to see the humor in what I just said.

Quote from Tim

Brad: I know, Dad. I just can't believe my car is gone, you know? You know, I keep thinking I'm gonna step out that front door and she's gonna be there waiting for me.
Tim: It'll get back to you. Some kids probably just took it for a joy ride. Come on, sit down.
Brad: I know. But, Dad, we put so much work into that car. I mean, what? Didn't we test-drive, like, 15 cars before we decided which one was best for me?
Tim: Well, 16 if you count the Ferrari we drove just for the fun of it.
Brad: So, Dad, have you ever had a car stolen before?
Tim: No. But I've experienced every car disaster known to man. Floods, fires, jockstrap caught in the fan belt. It was a fraternity thing, you know?

Quote from Tim

Tim: [on the phone] No, listen, Officer, I got this tip from a friend of mine named Eddie. He owns Eddie's Body Shop. He says it's a place called A-1 Salvage that's selling stolen parts. So, I figured you guys got to go down there and check it out. What do you mean, you need a warrant? This is America.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm getting ready to give my honey to a friend.
Tim: She sounds like a very understanding woman.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. See, I'm bottling honey to take to a Crespian festival. Did you realize that in Crespia they pay homage to honey because to them it's symbolic of gold?
Tim: How do they celebrate that in Detroit?
Wilson: Well, we have a little honey, and then we get all liquored up and put on funny hats. Do you want to come?
Tim: I'm not in that funny of a mood.

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