Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Borland Ambition’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Borland Ambition

406. Borland Ambition

Aired October 25, 1994

Al drives everyone mad after buying a stake in Harry's Hardware store.

Quote from Al

Al: Why don't I get my coat and we'll lock up?
Tim: Hey, wait a minute. Go on. You go on. I'll lock up for you.
Al: You want me to leave you alone in my hardware store?
Tim: Yes, I do.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Rate

Quote from Tim

Tim: What's up?
Al: Well, I stopped by to find out, are you going to invest in Harry's Hardware?
Tim: It's a possibility.
Jill: Completely out of the question.
Tim: We're still discussing it.
Jill: Over my dead body.
Tim: She's on the fence.

Quote from Benny

Al: Uh, Harry, can, um... Can we have a little business meeting?
Harry: Sure. Step into my office. [moves over a step] OK, what is it?
Al: Well, I'm just thinking that, um, if we sell everything at cost, we won't make a profit. Well, I'm just saying that if we give Tim a discount, where does it stop? Your relatives? My relatives? Benny?
Benny: You don't have to worry about me. I never buy anything.

Quote from Al

Wilson: I asked how are you enjoying being a new businessman?
Al: Oh, muy bien. And this is just the beginning. Once I learn the ropes, I'm going to break free from Harry's and open my own chain of hardware stores. In fact, I stayed up all night thinking up a name for it. What do you think of this? Al's Hardware.
Wilson: That's very evocative.
Al: Well, if all goes according to plan I'll double my money in five years.
Wilson: Well, that's an admirable goal, Al, but I might remind you that the humorist Kin Hubbard said: "To safely double your money, fold it over once and put it in your pocket."
Al: Well, speaking of double, it's double value days here at Harry's. You buy another flashlight, I'll throw in the batteries for free.
Wilson: I don't think so, Al.

Quote from Mark

Brad: Hey, mom, you think I have a chance at winning the costume contest? I don't have enough brains oozing out of my head.
Randy: I didn't know you had any brains in your head.
Brad: Well, how would you like it if I made you look like you're really dead?
Jill: Boys, boys, just relax. I think Mark's gonna win the contest anyway.
Brad: Mark? No way.
Mark: [dressed as Al] Well?
Brad: Well, if he's Al, I guess that makes you Al's mom?
Mark: I don't think so, Brad.

Quote from Harry

Al: Hey, Harry. How are you feeling?
Harry: Good as new. My doctor said the best thing to do after a heart attack is to surround yourself with loved ones.
Tim: So you left your wife at home and came down to the hardware store.
Harry: [chuckles] You got it.

Quote from Benny

Tim: Hey, Benny. You are always here. I thought you had a new job.
Benny: I decided to leave that position.
Harry: He was fired.
Benny: Which made it easy for me to leave.

Quote from Al

Al: Which one you choose depends on the weight of your picture. For this one here, I'd go with a 3/4 inch plastic-lip screw anchor.
Tim: Right, these are available at any local hardware store.
Al: That's right. [unbuttons flannel shirt to reveal a Harry's Hardware t-shirt] I like to buy mine at Harry's Hardware. Third, near Main and Royal Oak. Tell them that Al sent you.
Tim: We'll be back with more of Al's commercial after a few words from our show!

Quote from Al

Al: I think you'll be very happy with the halogen. What are you gonna be using it for, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Al, a few of my friends are celebrating the Mexican Halloween, Da de los Muertos.
Al: "Day of the Dead"?
Wilson: Very good, Al.
Al: At Harry's Hardware, se habla espaol.
Wilson: Well, in that case, ¿Cómo van las cosas con su nuevo negocio?
Al: Se habla español not so good-o.

Quote from Tim

Al: She's, you know, just gonna have to understand that I own a business now. I have a whole new set of responsibilities.
Tim: Al, Harry owns 80% of your business. He never stays here this late.
Al: Ah, but Harry doesn't see the big picture. I'm breaking in a whole new market - the after-hours hardware crowd.
Tim: Al, I am the after-hours hardware crowd.

Quote from Mark

Brad: I can't believe Mark won the contest. And we didn't even get anything.
Jill: I knew you'd win.
Brad: If you ask me, the whole thing was fixed.
Randy: Yeah, you should've seen the judges. It was an all-flannel panel.
Mark: Guys, I won fair and square. I can't help it if Al's mom was the head judge.

Quote from Tim

Tim: OK, it's autumn. What else is it time for, Al?
Al: It's time for Halloween, when you try to scare me with one of your childish tricks.
Tim: I don't have time for that. Today, we're talking about backyard refuse.
Al: So I don't have to worry about some bloody body part popping out at me?
Tim: Not unless it's yours. [chuckles]
Al: Thank you, Tim. Well, mulching is the quickest and most effective way to deal with those unsightly piles of leaves and twigs that clutter up your yard.
Tim: Not to mention you get to crank up a noisy machine and grind up stuff.
Al: Depending on your mulcher, you can throw in just about anything your yard will grow. [engine starts]
Tim: Leaves. Twigs. Or how about Al's paycheck? Then you get to the bigger stuff. Patio furniture, canoes, old doors. [engine stops] Your entire deck can go in here.
Al: That's exactly what you don't want to put in your mulcher because it could clog it up.
Tim: That's right. That's why we have this other mulcher to show you what happens when you get a clogged-up beater bar. Now, when you clear out the beater bar, and Al's gonna show you right now, you wanna make sure the whole unit's shut off because...
Both: Safety first.
Al: That's right. Now, you can just clear away the refuse here, get down into the beater bar... [a bloody head pops up out of the mulcher]
Tim: Happy Halloween, Al.

Quote from Benny

Harry: Anyway, my brother, Larry, he wants to sell his 20% share. So for $15,000 you could be my silent partner.
Benny: [mouth full] Hey. How come you didn't ask me?
Tim & Harry: What?
Benny: How come you didn't ask me?
Tim: Benny, you gotta have some money.
Benny: Oh, yeah. Money.

Quote from Tim

Al: What about me? I have money.
Tim: But you gotta be willing to withdraw it from your mattress, Al. [guys laugh]
Al: It's not in my mattress.
Tim: Oh, cut it out.
Harry: So wait a minute. You're saying you're interested, Al?
Al: Well, yeah. I mean, $15,000, that's... that's a lot of money, but on the other hand, it's always been a dream of mine to own a hardware store.
Tim: It's also been a dream of yours to walk around your mom without taking a rest stop. I'm just kidding, Al.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Well, I got the goodies for the kids and I got a little something special for you.
Jill: What? Chocolate-covered marshmallow pumpkins? I didn't know they made these any more. Where did you find them?
Tim: Little candy store in Windsor.
Jill: You drove to Canada to get me these?
Tim: Aw, shucks. I'd drive to Europe if it would put a little smile on your face.
Jill: What do you want?
Tim: It's like this. You know how me buying that put a little smile on your face? There's something I'd like to buy that would put a smile on my face.
Jill: What would that be?
Tim: A hardware store.
Jill: Take the candy back to Canada.
Tim: Listen, for a mere 15 grand we can own 20% of Harry's Hardware.
Jill: And while you're in Canada you can file for citizenship.

Quote from Al

Al: Because if you don't invest, I will.
Tim: Give me a break. You part with money? The last time you tried that you jumped in the wishing well to get your money back.
Al: I'll have you know that I once owned and operated a successful business venture.
Ilene: Did you really? I had no idea.
Tim: Neither did l.
Al: Little Al's Lemonade Stand. My slogan was: "When it comes to lemons, I'm your main squeeze."
Ilene: Oh, Al. Even as a little boy you were so clever.

Quote from Al

Harry: Oh, there he is. How's my new silent partner?
Al: Well, Harry, I'm filled with a renewed sense of who Al Borland is and who he has the potential to blossom into.
Harry: [chuckles] Sorry I asked.

Quote from Benny

Al: Well, I thought I'd keep the freeloaders from coming in here and drinking all our coffee.
Benny: Good idea.
Tim: Benny, I believe the freeloaders he's talking about is you.
Benny: Get outta here.
Al: I'm just saying that just to be fair, everybody should pay 50 cents for their coffee.
Harry: Al, lighten up.
Benny: Hey, I'm no freeloader. I'll buy my own coffee. Harry, can I bum 50 cents?
Harry: Sure thing. Here you go, Benny. [hands Benny coins from the register]
Benny: Here you go, Al. [hands coins to Al]
Al: Here you go, Harry. [hands coins to Harry]
Harry: Thanks, Al. [puts the coins back in the register]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, Al, financial moves like that, you'll be bankrupt in a week. But you could throw yourself a benefit concert - "Lemon Aid."

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, everybody. Thank you, Heidi. And welcome to Tool Time I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant Al "The Living Lemon" Borland.
Al: Today, we're gonna show you how to hang a picture on a hollow wall.
Tim: "Hollo," wall. You're such a stud. [fake laugh] Okay, let's say we're Al scampering around our apartment putting up our favorite picture. [hangs a picture of a lemon] There we go. Now, when this hap... [the picture falls off]
Al: Now, the reason that this happened is because the hollow wall here is not strong enough to support the weight. For that you need a wall anchor. Now, there are many types of wall anchors.
Tim: Right. You got your hollow wall anchor, plastic anchor, sleeve anchor, and if you're in that easy-listening mood I'd go with Paul Anka. [holds up record]

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode