Al: Why don't I get my coat and we'll lock up?
Tim: Hey, wait a minute. Go on. You go on. I'll lock up for you.
Al: You want me to leave you alone in my hardware store?
Tim: Yes, I do.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: What's up?
Al: Well, I stopped by to find out, are you going to invest in Harry's Hardware?
Tim: It's a possibility.
Jill: Completely out of the question.
Tim: We're still discussing it.
Jill: Over my dead body.
Tim: She's on the fence.

Al: Uh, Harry, can, um... Can we have a little business meeting?
Harry: Sure. Step into my office. [moves over a step] OK, what is it?
Al: Well, I'm just thinking that, um, if we sell everything at cost, we won't make a profit. Well, I'm just saying that if we give Tim a discount, where does it stop? Your relatives? My relatives? Benny?
Benny: You don't have to worry about me. I never buy anything.

Wilson: I asked how are you enjoying being a new businessman?
Al: Oh, muy bien. And this is just the beginning. Once I learn the ropes, I'm going to break free from Harry's and open my own chain of hardware stores. In fact, I stayed up all night thinking up a name for it. What do you think of this? Al's Hardware.
Wilson: That's very evocative.
Al: Well, if all goes according to plan I'll double my money in five years.
Wilson: Well, that's an admirable goal, Al, but I might remind you that the humorist Kin Hubbard said: "To safely double your money, fold it over once and put it in your pocket."
Al: Well, speaking of double, it's double value days here at Harry's. You buy another flashlight, I'll throw in the batteries for free.
Wilson: I don't think so, Al.

Brad: Hey, mom, you think I have a chance at winning the costume contest? I don't have enough brains oozing out of my head.
Randy: I didn't know you had any brains in your head.
Brad: Well, how would you like it if I made you look like you're really dead?
Jill: Boys, boys, just relax. I think Mark's gonna win the contest anyway.
Brad: Mark? No way.
Mark: [dressed as Al] Well?
Brad: Well, if he's Al, I guess that makes you Al's mom?
Mark: I don't think so, Brad.

Al: Hey, Harry. How are you feeling?
Harry: Good as new. My doctor said the best thing to do after a heart attack is to surround yourself with loved ones.
Tim: So you left your wife at home and came down to the hardware store.
Harry: [chuckles] You got it.

Tim: Hey, Benny. You are always here. I thought you had a new job.
Benny: I decided to leave that position.
Harry: He was fired.
Benny: Which made it easy for me to leave.

Al: Which one you choose depends on the weight of your picture. For this one here, I'd go with a 3/4 inch plastic-lip screw anchor.
Tim: Right, these are available at any local hardware store.
Al: That's right. [unbuttons flannel shirt to reveal a Harry's Hardware t-shirt] I like to buy mine at Harry's Hardware. Third, near Main and Royal Oak. Tell them that Al sent you.
Tim: We'll be back with more of Al's commercial after a few words from our show!

Al: I think you'll be very happy with the halogen. What are you gonna be using it for, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Al, a few of my friends are celebrating the Mexican Halloween, Da de los Muertos.
Al: "Day of the Dead"?
Wilson: Very good, Al.
Al: At Harry's Hardware, se habla espaol.
Wilson: Well, in that case, ¿Cómo van las cosas con su nuevo negocio?
Al: Se habla español not so good-o.

Al: She's, you know, just gonna have to understand that I own a business now. I have a whole new set of responsibilities.
Tim: Al, Harry owns 80% of your business. He never stays here this late.
Al: Ah, but Harry doesn't see the big picture. I'm breaking in a whole new market - the after-hours hardware crowd.
Tim: Al, I am the after-hours hardware crowd.