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‘Talk to Me’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Talk to Me

420. Talk to Me

Aired March 14, 1995

After Jill asks Tim to open up and then criticizes him for feeling like he is being taken for granted, he delivers his complaint on Tool Time.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I cannot believe that you have the gall to say that I am taking you for granted.
Tim: Here it goes.
Jill: For the last 15 years I've been doing all the thankless jobs around here - the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and in my spare time I've managed to have three children. You never once thanked me. And the one time that I come to you asking you to carry your weight around here, all I get from you is resentment. The truth is you were happier when I just was stuck here in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. I should just squat down here right now and shoot out another kid.
Tim: Just don't do it near the furnace vent.

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Quote from Al

Tim: Make sure the joint on your door is secure.
Al: And for that, we're using a biscuit joiner to cut the slots in our wood for the biscuits.
Tim: Biscuits? Do you think they...
Al: No. They're not buttermilk biscuits. They're not sourdough biscuits. They're not dog biscuits.
Tim: I was just trying to make...
Al: They're not biscuits with honey, they're not biscuits with gravy, they're not biscuits in a box, or biscuits in a basket.
Tim: You're a biscuit case, Al.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor. You know, Tim, I woke up this morning and the blues were all around my bed.
Tim: Maybe you should have tried vacuuming. Well, I got hit with a croquet ball. I got the black-and-blues.
Wilson: [plays harmonica and sings] Got out of my bed Got hit in the head Knocked out of my shoes I got those lowdown croquet-ball blues
Tim: When did you learn to play the harmonica?
Wilson: This morning.

Quote from Tim

Tim: But I also should learn to listen to your feelings and understand what you're going through. You helped me when I changed careers into Tool Time. And, you know, I want to do the same for you, 'cause, with your talent, you might have your own show. Your own psychology show, can you imagine? "Is everyone cognizant of what time it's become?" "It's Psycho Time."

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: [plays harmonica and sings] I told my baby how I was feeling
Tim: [sings] A big wooden ball fell down from the ceiling
Wilson: Now we're gonna have a discussion
Tim: 'Cause my baby gave me a concussion
Both: We got the lowdown, croquet-ball blues

Quote from Tim

Jill: Is it my ring?
Tim: I think...
Jill: I don't believe it! Is it OK?
Tim: Let's take a look at it. Perfect. It's even cleaner now. Your inscription's all worn off. "I will never love... an otter."
Jill: "Another."
Tim: "I will never love another." Huh. And to think all these years I've been avoiding otters.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Something is bothering you and you're just avoiding it. We shouldn't have any unresolved issues.
Tim: If you must know, since you've been doing this test here, I've been doing a lot of extra work, and I'm beginning to feel taken for granted.
Jill: Taken for granted?
Tim: I know you're not doing it on purpose, but you've been pretty insensitive.
Jill: Pretty insensitive?
Tim: You know, a little thank you would go a long way.
Jill: A little thank you?
Tim: You know, it really scares me when you repeat everything I say.

Quote from Al

Tim: OK. Now, my wife is studying to be a psychologist. They do something called role-play, it's very valuable to learn about the other person's position. We need somebody to play the role of Lorraine. Um... Al, you have a very strong feminine side. Would you be Lorraine for this experiment?
Al: Only if Lorraine gets to finish the cabinet doors.
Tim: OK, Dave, you're it.
Jim: What if Lorraine is watching this?
Dave: Are you kidding me, man? She wouldn't watch Tool Time. She hates Tim.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Al: Obviously a woman with taste.

Quote from Al

Tim: Makes my point. Women, or guys playing women, tend to confuse us.
Jim: Tim, what about when Lorraine starts talking to me about commitment? I love her, but I don't know about marriage. I'm not ready.
Al: Well, excuse me, Jim, I'm sure that Lorraine would understand if you explained that marriage is the first step of a sacred journey, and something that important cannot be put on the fast track.
Tim: Well, let's put that to a vote. How many think Al gave Jim good advice or put Jim on the fast track to a quick head injury?
Audience: Head injury.
Al: Oh, come on. Not all women are trying to trap men.
Tim: [scoffs] Trap, snare, snag. A woman has to be married, otherwise she'd be home nagging herself.
Al: If you ladies would like to contact Tim directly, that's 555-TOOL. Operators are standing by.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You know what gives me the blues? Women. Jill in particular. She likes to talk everything to death. And she wants to know what I feel, how I feel, when I feel it. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.
Wilson: Well, Tim, is it nagging or is Jill searching for intimacy?
Tim: Nagging. See, I had this problem. Not a big one, I just didn't want to let her know about it. But she dragged it out of me, and when I told her what it was, she jumps down my throat, totally overreacted.
Wilson: Well, maybe Jill's got a touch of the blues herself.
Tim: Why would she have the blues?
Wilson: Oh, Tim, I don't know. I just know that Mahalia Jackson, the great singer, said having the blues is like being in a deep pit yelling for help.
Tim: So when she's yelling at me, maybe she's just crying out for help?
Wilson: Well, there's only one way to find out, Tim. Talk to her.
Tim: [grunts] No more talk. I am not talking anymore.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al, you're not still angry because we didn't finish that cabinet door, are you? [Al is silent] Albert. It's not good to have any unresolved issues.
Al: As a matter of fact, yes, I was looking forward to that segment. You know, I told some cabinetmaker friends of mine about it. They were very disappointed.
Tim: I hope they didn't come unhinged.

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, on yesterday's show I might have gone a little overboard. We got a few calls from female viewers.
Al: 398.
Tim: Who's counting?
Al: Me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: The other day, when you asked me what I was feeling, I told you, and you jumped down my throat.
Jill: You're right. It wasn't fair. If I'm going to ask for your feelings, then I should be able to accept them no matter what they are.
Tim: And not hit me in the head with a croquet ball.
Jill: Sorry about that.
Tim: I'm not sure you should kiss your patients in that part of the peanut.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Guess what. I think, I hope, I did great on the test.
Tim: Congratulations.
Jill: Yeah, if I had to guess, I think I might be in the 90th percentile.
Tim: Out of how many?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Hey! No hockey in the house. Oh, guys. Do you remember this morning when you said to me: "We really love you and we'll have the house cleaned up by the time you get home"?
Brad & Randy: No.
Jill: Well, will you just get your jackets and your backpacks off the table? And which one of you pigs left this mess over the counter?
Randy: The pig with the tool belt.
Jill: Well, tell your dad to clear all that off and set the table. Oh, and dinner is in those bags right there.
Brad: Oh, what'd you get?
Jill: Chicken. Oh, don't touch it until dinnertime tonight. Gosh, I live with a bunch of animals - disgusting, filthy little animals.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Hey, Dad, be real careful. Mom just got home and she's in a real bad mood.
Tim: Great. She walks in the door and you tick her off? Can't you give her a couple of minutes and help her out, huh?
Randy: Hey, she's not mad at us. She's mad at you for leaving the mess on the counter.
Tim: What am I? A janitor?
Jill: [o.s.] Tim!
Tim: Uh... I'm cleaning up right now, honey.
Jill: [o.s.] Tim, I'm way behind. I've got to study tonight.
Tim: Hey, don't you worry about a thing, honey. I'll keep the boys out of your hair.
Jill: [o.s.] Oh, I brought dinner. Will you set it out for me?
Tim: I sure will. Where'd you set it out?
Jill: [o.s.] It's on the counter by the trash compactor.
Tim: Not anymore.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I've never studied for anything so hard in my life. But it will be worth it. If I do well, I should get into any graduate school around here, maybe even U of M.
Tim: [downbeat] Great. Jill, why do you leave your wedding ring here by the sink?
Tim: I took it off when I was washing the pots and pans.
Jill: This is not a good place to leave it. It could go down the sink, down the drain here. I'd never find it, okay? Always leave it over here where it's safe. [knocks the ring off the counter and down a vent] [grunts] Oh, no.
Jill: What did you do?
Tim: Nothing.
Jill: What was that noise?
Tim: I don't know, but it had a familiar ring to it.
Jill: Did you drop my ring down the drain?
Tim: No, I did not. I dropped it down the furnace vent.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, no. I want my wedding ring back.
Tim: OK, relax. I'll get some tools. I'll get it out of there. It'll give me a chance to find those earrings I dropped down there that I just realized I didn't tell you about.
Jill: Tim, what is going on with you? I mean, first you flatten the dinner, you forget to empty the dishwasher, you didn't separate the laundry this afternoon like I asked you to.
Tim: I was driving Mark to his computer class.
Jill: No, no, no. There's something else. Lately, I've been sensing some hostility from you.
Tim: No more than usual.
Jill: Tim, I thought that we had an open relationship, you know, that we could talk about anything. Talk to me.
Tim: I don't want to.

Quote from Tim

Al: Our objective is to put our two pieces of wood together so it has a secure and perfect union.
Tim: Yeah. Yeah. Right.
Al: That's right. In this case...
Tim: Like there's ever such a thing as a perfect union. Come on. What century are you living in?
Al: Well, what happens...
Tim: I want to get something off my chest.
Al: Tim.
Tim: Leave me alone.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys, I'm cheesed. Has this ever happened to you? You're home minding your own business, picking your meal out of the trash compactor, when out of the henhouse, the big old hen starts clucking: "We got some unresolved issues." And don't ever- Don't ever fall for this "they want to talk," you know what they want, they want you to say something to get yourself in trouble.
Jim: Exactly. I hear you.
Tim: You know what I'm talking about, huh?
Dave: We're constantly in trouble with our girlfriends.
Jim: I mean, no matter what we say, we're always in trouble.
Tim: Two bachelors in trouble. Hm. What do you say, we get 'em down here and see if we can help them? What do you think, audience? Bring them on down.

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