Tim: Make sure the joint on your door is secure.
Al: And for that, we're using a biscuit joiner to cut the slots in our wood for the biscuits.
Tim: Biscuits? Do you think they...
Al: No. They're not buttermilk biscuits. They're not sourdough biscuits. They're not dog biscuits.
Tim: I was just trying to make...
Al: They're not biscuits with honey, they're not biscuits with gravy, they're not biscuits in a box, or biscuits in a basket.
Tim: You're a biscuit case, Al.

Jill: I cannot believe that you have the gall to say that I am taking you for granted.
Tim: Here it goes.
Jill: For the last 15 years I've been doing all the thankless jobs around here - the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and in my spare time I've managed to have three children. You never once thanked me. And the one time that I come to you asking you to carry your weight around here, all I get from you is resentment. The truth is you were happier when I just was stuck here in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant. I should just squat down here right now and shoot out another kid.
Tim: Just don't do it near the furnace vent.

Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor. You know, Tim, I woke up this morning and the blues were all around my bed.
Tim: Maybe you should have tried vacuuming. Well, I got hit with a croquet ball. I got the black-and-blues.
Wilson: [plays harmonica and sings] Got out of my bed Got hit in the head Knocked out of my shoes I got those lowdown croquet-ball blues
Tim: When did you learn to play the harmonica?
Wilson: This morning.

Tim: But I also should learn to listen to your feelings and understand what you're going through. You helped me when I changed careers into Tool Time. And, you know, I want to do the same for you, 'cause, with your talent, you might have your own show. Your own psychology show, can you imagine? "Is everyone cognizant of what time it's become?" "It's Psycho Time."

Wilson: [plays harmonica and sings] I told my baby how I was feeling
Tim: [sings] A big wooden ball fell down from the ceiling
Wilson: Now we're gonna have a discussion
Tim: 'Cause my baby gave me a concussion
Both: We got the lowdown, croquet-ball blues

Jill: Is it my ring?
Tim: I think...
Jill: I don't believe it! Is it OK?
Tim: Let's take a look at it. Perfect. It's even cleaner now. Your inscription's all worn off. "I will never love... an otter."
Jill: "Another."
Tim: "I will never love another." Huh. And to think all these years I've been avoiding otters.

Jill: Something is bothering you and you're just avoiding it. We shouldn't have any unresolved issues.
Tim: If you must know, since you've been doing this test here, I've been doing a lot of extra work, and I'm beginning to feel taken for granted.
Jill: Taken for granted?
Tim: I know you're not doing it on purpose, but you've been pretty insensitive.
Jill: Pretty insensitive?
Tim: You know, a little thank you would go a long way.
Jill: A little thank you?
Tim: You know, it really scares me when you repeat everything I say.

Tim: OK. Now, my wife is studying to be a psychologist. They do something called role-play, it's very valuable to learn about the other person's position. We need somebody to play the role of Lorraine. Um... Al, you have a very strong feminine side. Would you be Lorraine for this experiment?
Al: Only if Lorraine gets to finish the cabinet doors.
Tim: OK, Dave, you're it.
Jim: What if Lorraine is watching this?
Dave: Are you kidding me, man? She wouldn't watch Tool Time. She hates Tim.
Jim: Oh, yeah.
Al: Obviously a woman with taste.

Tim: Makes my point. Women, or guys playing women, tend to confuse us.
Jim: Tim, what about when Lorraine starts talking to me about commitment? I love her, but I don't know about marriage. I'm not ready.
Al: Well, excuse me, Jim, I'm sure that Lorraine would understand if you explained that marriage is the first step of a sacred journey, and something that important cannot be put on the fast track.
Tim: Well, let's put that to a vote. How many think Al gave Jim good advice or put Jim on the fast track to a quick head injury?
Audience: Head injury.
Al: Oh, come on. Not all women are trying to trap men.
Tim: [scoffs] Trap, snare, snag. A woman has to be married, otherwise she'd be home nagging herself.
Al: If you ladies would like to contact Tim directly, that's 555-TOOL. Operators are standing by.

Tim: You know what gives me the blues? Women. Jill in particular. She likes to talk everything to death. And she wants to know what I feel, how I feel, when I feel it. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag.
Wilson: Well, Tim, is it nagging or is Jill searching for intimacy?
Tim: Nagging. See, I had this problem. Not a big one, I just didn't want to let her know about it. But she dragged it out of me, and when I told her what it was, she jumps down my throat, totally overreacted.
Wilson: Well, maybe Jill's got a touch of the blues herself.
Tim: Why would she have the blues?
Wilson: Oh, Tim, I don't know. I just know that Mahalia Jackson, the great singer, said having the blues is like being in a deep pit yelling for help.
Tim: So when she's yelling at me, maybe she's just crying out for help?
Wilson: Well, there's only one way to find out, Tim. Talk to her.
Tim: [grunts] No more talk. I am not talking anymore.