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‘Home Alone’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Home Alone

814. Home Alone

Aired January 19, 1999

Tim spends the weekend alone as he tries to write a book about men.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, I'm reminded of the playwright George Bernard Shaw. He said, "The man who writes about himself in his own time is the only man who writes about all people and about all time."
Tim: Nice car. What were you just saying?
Wilson: Well, I'm just saying that it's a daunting task to write about all men, because no two men are exactly the same. You might be more successful writing about one man.
Tim: Like that famous guy Seymour Butts!
Wilson: Why do I even try?
Tim: I know what you're saying. I should just write about me, Tim "The Tool Man."
Wilson: Exactly.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: So in the spirit of international brotherhood, we have invited the president of a major Japanese corporation to be our guest, to show us some of their newest inventions. Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to Nobo Nakamura. Welcome to Tool Time. Or as they say in Japanese... [speaks Japanese]
Nobo: You just invited me to frolic in your trousers.
Tim: Well, in this light you're kind of an attractive man. [laughs]
Al: All right, Nobo. Why don't you show us what's new in Japanese high tech?
Nobo: I would be happy to, Al. Behold the future!
Tim: Um... Well, it appears to be a steel rod with a hand on it.
Nobo: It's called The Lazy Grabber. You can pick up stuff without having to leave your chair.
Tim: Well, I was under the impression that Nakamura Industries was involved in lasers and high-tech stuff like that.
Nobo: Someone on your staff called Nakamura Novelties. [Tim extends the hand and touches Al's face] We specialize in things like the Noodle Guard. Protection from embarrassing noodle backsplash. Mmm.
Tim: Well, that's bound to turn that Japanese economy right around, huh?

Quote from Tim

Nobo: Now I'll show you something really state of the art. I will demonstrate on Al. This is the all-day tissue dispenser.
Al: For the guy on the go who has to go.
Tim: That's just a crappy invention.
Nobo: You calling my number-one seller crappy?
Tim: Wouldn't that be your number-two seller?
Nobo: Nobo is not laughing.
Tim: Oh, boy, Nobo. I'll bite. What the heck is this?
Nobo: This is called the Grin Grabber. Simply put on your face like this and then with one tug of the string, even grouchiest guy turns into Happy Harry.
Tim: That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen.
Nobo: Okay, now you make Nobo mad.
Tim: And yet you're smiling.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And I just, you know, have to write the book.
Al: You've done nothing?
Tim: Yes! I've done a lot of things. You plan. There's planning involved. You don't just write a book. You gotta plan. Make plans. I made a lot of plans, you know? Like you gotta plan who you'd want to do it if they made a movie out of it.
Al: Okay, let me guess. Harrison Ford?
Tim: He knows his tools, but doesn't have my bone structure.
Al: So what's the deadline?
Tim: Monday morning. I have to have three chapters. Which gives me, of course, the entire weekend to crystallize my thoughts on love, life, tools, my fascination with them, yin-yang, the dharma of guyness.
Al: You have no idea what to write, do you?
Tim: I have no idea what to write!

Quote from Tim

Tim: [inner monologue] Boy. That writer's cramp is kicking in. You know, I'm more of a verbal guy, anyway. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'll dictate my thoughts into a tape recorder, then play them back later and organize them.
Tim: Captain's log, 2024. [imitates fart] Spock, was that you? I'm not buying this stuff that Vulcans can't. There's only two of us in here. Believe me, that wasn't human.

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Pizza Guy: [v.o.] In an amazing development, Tim Taylor's book has sold 12 million copies before even hitting the shelves.
Leeza Gibbons: Now on tomorrow's show, the man who wrote Man is going to teach us what it means to be a man, and also make us better women for it. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. That's tomorrow.
Jay Leno: Folks, I want to apologize. Instead of getting a literary genius like Tim Taylor, we're stuck tonight with Jack Nicholson and Marlon Brando. [audience groan]
Oprah: Next week, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Toni Morrison is here, not to read from her latest book, but from the much anticipated bestseller by Tim Taylor.
Pizza Guy: [v.o.] This makes it the best-selling volume in the world, second only to the Bible.

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Pizza Guy: Mrs. Taylor, can you tell us anything about your husband's book?
Jill: I'm sure that it's gonna be a brilliant study of the male psyche. Tim is truly a visionary. And he's great in bed.
Brad: I think it's great that my dad has written this important book. And by the way, ladies, I definitely have some of that greatness in my genes.
Mark: Dad wrote a book? I'll believe it when I see it.
Pizza Guy: Tim, Tim, you must be so excited tonight.
Tim: Hey, you're Kenny the pizza guy.
Pizza Guy: Not anymore. Now I'm Kenny the on-air personality.
Tim: So you won't be needing a tip then, huh?

Quote from Tim

[dream sequence:]
Pizza Guy: Well, Tim, for selling so many copies, the publisher has two big surprises for you.
Tim: I like them.
Woman: A check for 10 million dollars and the keys to a brand new Ferrari.
Tim: You're kidding!
Pizza Guy: Oh, not so fast. Before we let you drive away, you're gonna have to read us a few passages from your highly anticipated book.
Tim: Well, I'd love to, Kenny.
Tim: [inner monologue] Plenty of places for autographs here. And notes, you know, personal notes, little letters you want to write to yourself.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no!
Tim: [inner monologue] There's nothing in this book! Nothing!
Oprah: What a hack!
Jay Leno: Who are we kidding? This man's a loser.
Leeza Gibbons: Tomorrow's show, celebrities who feel betrayed by Tim Taylor.
Tim: [screams]

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Now, how much writing have you actually gotten done?
Tim: Well... A paragraph.
Wilson: Oh, I hope it's a good paragraph.
Tim: Stinks.
Wilson: Maybe you're being too critical of your work.
Tim: No. Even the pizza guy hated it. What's the matter with me? I got a lot of good ideas up here in the old nugget. Just can't seem to get them to come down my neck, over the shoulder, through the arm and into the hand. The hand... You know, it's odd there's so much space between your index finger and your thumb. There could be a lot more fingers right in there.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, Tim, it sounds to me like you've got a classic case of a writer's block. What exactly are you trying to write about?
Tim: Men. Who they are. What makes them tick. First I wrote that all men are predators.
Wilson: Well, that's a start.
Tim: Yes, yes. It's a start. But then I thought about Al's family. And the only predator there is his mom. Then I wrote that all men are consumed with speed and power. Then I thought about you. You still use a manual lawnmower. Then I spent the rest of the night just making crank phone calls. You know? "Hey, ever taken a bus? Well, you better give it back!"

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And I intend to remain him. And you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Al: Thank you.
Tim: Oh, I'm excited. Today we have a globally significant Tool Time. We're doing our Tool Time salute... [gong rings]
Both: ...to international relations.
Al: In today's world, manufacturing superpowers compete for the leading edge in consumer products. Competition is healthy but so much more can be accomplished if you work together...
Tim: Al?
Al: ...harmoniously.
Tim: Al! My show, okay?

Quote from Tim

Al: Hey, Tim, so your family is going away this weekend?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: You want to hang out?
Tim: Nope.
Al: Okay, then. Nice talking to you.
Tim: Al, it has nothing to do with you. Just being alone this weekend will give me the perfect chance to write that book for Binford.
Al: You're still writing that thing? Didn't they give you the advance, like, six months ago?
Tim: Yes. And I spent the advance six months ago.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Whoo! Whoo! I'm all by myself! Miss you! I can do whatever I want! Anything I want to do. What do we want to do? Let's think. What do we want to do? First...
Tim: [inner monologue] Take a nap. Then go to a strip club or a drag race. Have a snack! Then I'll nap in the chair or the couch. Chair or couch? Couch!
Tim: Yes! No. Gotta write. Write, write, write, write, write. Well, I'll just get started. Okay, okay. All right.
Tim: [inner monologue] 4:00. I'll write for four hours straight. Figure 30 pages per hour, by 8:00, I'm up to 120.
Tim: Then I get to eat.
Tim: [inner monologue] I'm actually ahead of schedule.
Tim: So let's eat.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look at all the food Jill made me. Macaroni and cheese, pot roast. Oh, boy! Tuna casserole. So nice of her. [on the phone] Yes. I'd like to order a pizza. Let's get a large with onions and double sausage.
Tim: [inner monologue] That's a little fatty.
Tim: You have turkey sausage?
Tim: [inner monologue] What are you? A hairdresser?
Tim: How about just vegetables?
Tim: [inner monologue] You can't stand vegetables.
Tim: Put double cheese on it. Yeah. Tim Taylor. You got my address? Yes. I rewired the doorbell. Thank you. [hangs up]
Tim: [inner monologue] What a wuss! It was only a second-degree burn.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. Okay, all right. Here we go. "A." "A." "B." "C." "B." "C." "A." "O." "O." "O." "R." "A." "C." [phone rings] Right when I was getting hot!

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