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‘Crazy for You’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Crazy for You

306. Crazy for You

Aired October 27, 1993

Tim is worried on Halloween when an obsessed fan won't leave him alone.

Quote from Jill

Marie: You know, Jill, I think you should take this Rose thing seriously. I'm in therapy, so I know for a fact there are a lot of nuts out there.
Jill: But why would anyone be obsessed with Tim?
Tim: Because I'm very obsessable.
Jill: Oh, Tim. I'm married to you, and I barely think about you.
Tim: Jill, you think this is real funny, don't you? There could be a woman out there fantasizing about me right now.
Jill: Oh, what is she fantasizing, that you come over to her house late at night, bring some wine and blow up her garbage disposal?

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Quote from Al

Tim: "Dear Tim, I'm your biggest fan. I watch you every day and dream about you every night. I hope you like these cookies I baked." You bet I will. "Your admirer, Rose." You know, this is the second letter I've gotten from Rose this week. Did you hear that, Al? She dreams about me every night.
Al: It sounds like she has a sleeping disorder.
Tim: Al, don't be jealous, don't be jealous. You'll get some letters one day. Just change your name to "Occupant."
Al: That wouldn't be necessary, Tim. Heidi, my mail, please.
Heidi: [brings in a wheelbarrow full of envelopes] Here you go, Al.
Al: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Al: If Tim's face appears green, don't adjust your TV. It's just envy.
Tim: Yeah, but anybody can get letters like that. I got cookies.
Al: Boys! [two men bring in wheelbarrows full of gifts]

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-dee-ho and boo, good neighbor.
Tim: Hey, let me ask you a question. Let's say you wanted my phone number. How would you get it?
Wilson: Well, I already have your phone number.
Tim: I know. What if you didn't have it?
Wilson: I suppose I'd just ask you for it.
Tim: What if you didn't know me?
Wilson: Then why would I want to call you?
Tim: Boy, I wish I was friendly with some of the other neighbors around here.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, put the bat down. I'm so sorry, Marie. Remember that woman that sent him the cookies? He's convinced that she's obsessed with him. [Marie chuckles] You want some coffee?
Marie: Yeah, I'd love some.
Tim: Wilson said sometimes obsessed fans will send you poisoned food.
Jill: Ooh! That's true. Those cookies had a lot of butter in them. Butter's very high in cholesterol. She could be trying to kill you slowly.

Quote from Jill

Tim: [on the phone] Operator? What's the number for 911? Slow down. [knock at door] Jill?
Woman: [o.s.] Guess again. It's Rose.
Tim: I'll... be right there. I'm just going to fix my face. Ugh. Come on in. Come on.
[Tim screams as a woman in red approaches him from the bathroom]
Tim: Aah!
Al: [takes off the red veil] Trick or treat! [whopping and laughter]
Jill: You look beautiful!
Al: That was a great trick!
Jill: The king of Halloween is dead. Long live the queen.

Quote from Tim

Al: As you can see, with the Binford Light Oak stain, you get a nice... [Tim dozes off] honey-colored... [Tim mouths "finish"] ...finish.
Tim: That's right, Al. When you're all finished with this, you wanna put a thin coat of Binford polyurethane on there. Now Binford provides this in an economical two-gallon size. Al, you want to pop the top?
Al: Be glad to, Tim.
[Al screams as a bloodied head pops out of the paint can as he opens it]
Al: Aah!
Tim: [makes the head pop up and down] Al... Al... Al... Al...Al. I can't believe you fell for the old "head in the polyurethane" gag.
Al: I guess this must mean Halloween is just around the corner. Or else you've found a sick new way to celebrate Columbus Day.
Tim: Nope, Halloween. [makes the head pop up again] No, no, no, no, no!

Quote from Jill

Tim: Hey, guys, what are you gonna be for Halloween?
Brad: We're gonna be the Three Stooges.
Tim: Yes! That's great! I grew up with those guys. I love those guys. The Stooges. Moe for his leadership qualities. Larry for his quick wit. Curly for his ability to go, "Whoo-whoo-whoo!"
Boys: Whoo-whoo-whoo.
Jill: Of all the people in the world, why do you wanna be the Stooges? They're obnoxious, they're constantly hitting each other... It just became clear.

Quote from Tim

Marie: What is it with the Stooges anyway? All men seem to adore them, even the smart ones.
Jill: I don't think that Einstein did.
Tim: Are you kidding? Einstein was a big Stooge fan. Why do you think he wore his hair like Larry's?

Quote from Tim

Wilson: What is troubling you, my little fence friend?
Tim: [eating cookie] All right. I got kind of an odd call by this woman who sent me a fan letter at work. My phone number's unlisted.
Wilson: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That is a concern. I hope you're not dealing with an obsessed fan. [Tim mumbles] No, no, no, no, Tim. Sometimes they see somebody on TV, they start idolizing that person. Sometimes they even send them gifts.
Tim: Like chocolate macadamia nut cookies?
Wilson: That's a good and tasty possibility. Though I'd be very cautious about eating anything that they send.
[Tim spits out the cookie]

Quote from Jill

Jill: [on the phone] Oh, Marie, it is going so well. This is gonna get Tim back for every Halloween prank he ever pulled on me. The severed thumb in my Jell-O. Yeah, the tarantula in my underwear drawer. Well, Wilson is in on it, too. Yeah, yeah. He's freaking him out even more.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Did you notice whether there were any women in the audience today?
Al: I didn't notice, but there's always a few. Why?
Tim: No reason. Hey, do me a favor. Would you go out there and see if any of them look... obsessed?
Al: Obsessed?
Tim: Yeah. You know, the same look you get when you're sitting in front of a plate of pancakes.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: And here they are, those two guys who are no fools when it comes to tools - Tim Taylor and Al Borland! Whoo!
Tim: Thank you. Welcome to Tool Time. Golly, there's a lot of women in the audience today, Heidi.
Heidi: That's right, Tim. This afternoon, we're honored to have with us the Women's Sharpshooters Club of Detroit!
Tim: Well, welcome, sharpshooters. I am Tim Taylor. This is Tool Time. You all know my assistant - Al "Bull's-Eye" Borland. You know, a lot of people don't know that Tool Time isn't just about home improvement. It's also about frisking people. Would you take the honors today, Al?
Al: I don't think so, Tim. Today, we're going to be talking about insulating windows.
Tim: Yes, we are. Caulking, window insulation... And that's all the time we have. Have a safe drive home.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honey, what were you thinking about when you picked out these costumes? A widow and a corpse?
Jill: Well, by the time I got there, there wasn't much left. You know, it was either a corpse or Bob Vila.
Tim: What's the difference?
Tim: Is it just my imagination, or are we surrounded by death tonight?
Jill: Well, death was a very hot costume this year. You know, black is very slimming.
Tim: Why don't these people just get dressed up as licorice?

Quote from Brad

Mark: Hello.
Randy: Hello.
Brad: Hello.
Boys: Hello!
Jill: Wait a minute. Why did your father dress you all alike?
Brad: Well, we all wanted to be Moe.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Excuse us for a minute. Rose is here.
Jill: Rose, the obsessed fan?
Tim: No, Rose Kennedy. Yes, Rose, the obsessed fan!

Quote from Tim

Jill: What's all this stuff?
Tim: Oh, I thought I'd put a little romance back in Halloween.
Jill: Well, I've always been attracted to dead, pasty-faced guys. [laughs]
Tim: You better kiss me before rigor mortis sets in. Care to dance, my widow woman?
Jill: I'd love to, Dead Astaire.
Tim: Ah. Nice party.
Jill: Spin me, Mr. Taylor. Spin me.
Tim: You got it.
[Jill screams as she is spun away from Tim and takes his arm with him]
Jill: Aah!
Tim: The king is back! He's got one arm, but the king is back. Thank you.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Guys, here she comes. Get ready.
Randy: Hmm. Mom, my mouth hurts. [blood dribbles out of the boys' mouths onto the kitchen counter]
Jill: You see what happens when you don't floss?
Tim: [enters] Hey, all right. Blood capsules. Cool. And you know what goes really good with those?
Brad: What?
Tim: Pus pellets.
Randy: Ew!
Tim: I got yellow and green ones, enough for all you guys, but don't squeeze 'em until Halloween.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Oh, Dad. Now we have all this Halloween junk. Skeletons, brains and mummy-wrapping tape.
Tim: Gotta have wrapping tape. You don't want to see your mummy naked.
Jill: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Very funny.

Quote from Jill

Mark: Dad, I don't see any rubber guts.
Randy: How can we have a Halloween party without rubber guts?
Tim: Let me tell you something, little mister. When I was your age, we didn't have rubber guts. We had to use real guts.
Jill: This is why you're lucky to have two parents. I got these from the rubber-guts catalog.
Brad: All right.
Jill: Here's your stomach, your large intestine, a spleen, some colon.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, good! You got the carrot cake.
Tim: They did a great job on this thing. They got all those candy corns in the shape of jack-o'-lanterns. Look at this thing.
[Jill screams as she opens the box and a bloodied head pops out]
Jill: Aah!

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