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‘Taylor Got Game’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Taylor Got Game

804. Taylor Got Game

Aired October 13, 1998

Brad considers skipping college and playing soccer in England when he meets the owner of a British football team.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I don't want you to miss the opportunity for an education because you're afraid of messing up.
Brad: Well, don't you ever worry about messing up?
Tim: Have you ever seen Tool Time?
Brad: Yeah, I guess you're right.

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Quote from Tim

Brad: I was just taking the math test. Gosh, it was so hard I'm scared to find out my score.
Tim: Well, let's add it up. How do we do this?
Brad: Well, I already did the adding and the subtracting. You have to take this number here and divide it by four.
Tim: Well, don't worry. Math is just simple logic. Let's see, two, two...
Brad: Well, Dad, when you divide, shouldn't the number get smaller?
Tim: I've been dividing since I was a kid. That is your score. Forty-two hundred, baby!
Brad: Dad, the highest possible score is 800. You know what? I bet you added a zero to the 420.
Tim: Don't be silly. You add a zero to 420, you still get 420.
Brad: Yeah, you're right.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You're never gonna get into UCLA with scores like that, no matter how well you play soccer.
Brad: I know, but I hate math. I'd rather hit myself in the head with a hammer.
Tim: Don't be too sure. It really hurts.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right! Tim, Tim, he's our man! If he can't fix it, Big Al can! [continues cheerleading]
Tim: Heidi. Thank you, Heidi. Thank you. Thank you, Heidi.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, moving on. Well, after a late night, most students have a hard time getting up on time. So we've created a fail-safe wake-up system with three stages of alarm.
Tim: Well, for the light sleeper... [alarm clock chimes]
Al: I'm up. For the moderate sleeper... [horn blaring]
Tim: What was that? Just five more.
Al: For the stubborn sleeper...
Man: [screams] Get up!

Quote from Tim

Wilson: He's also a very active philanthropist.
Simon: Well, I'm involved in a foundation that fights poverty and promotes world peace.
Tim: Enough chit-chat. What do you drive?
Simon: I've got a Bentley, two Jaguars and I'm restoring an Austin-Healy.
Tim: Wow, I've got an Austin-Healy myself!
Wilson: I thought that was Jill's Austin-Healy.
Tim: Technically, in the sense that she owns it and I'm not allowed to drive it.

Quote from Tim

Simon: Oh, it's a lovely car, Taylor.
Tim: Thanks. Just finishing having it rebuilt, bottom up. But there's something really funky in the wiring.
Simon: All right, let's have a quick peek under your bonnet.
Tim: Simon, we just met.
Simon: In England, they call the hood the bonnet.
Tim: I know that. It's just you Brits have a way of sucking all the manliness out of a car.
Simon: I think it was the Americans who came up with the car bra.
Tim: When you got a nice set of headlights, you want to support them with something, don't you?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Guess what the Chubbster said. He says you're good enough to play soccer professionally in England.
Brad: No way!
Tim: Yeah.
Brad: Wow! That's so cool.
Tim: [British accent] Awfully talented, frightfully good, absolutely marvelous. Shaken, not stirred. James Bond. Bond, James Bond.
Brad: Dad. Dad.
Tim: No, Goldfinger.
Brad: Dad! Dad!
Tim: No, Goldfinger.
Brad: Dad!
Tim: Pussy. Pussy Galore.
Brad: I'm trying to study here.
Tim: Right! Right! Study! The boy must study! I'll tell Moneypenny immediately.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Well, Simon says it's gonna be a great experience for me playing soccer and living on my own.
Jill: What do you plan to do for money?
Tim: Yeah.
Brad: Simon says he'll pay me £10,000 a year. Simon says that's plenty to live on.
Tim: That's simple for Simon to say.
Jill: If Simon says jump off the London Bridge, are you gonna do that?
Brad: Simon wouldn't say that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Good arm, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, thank you, neighbor. Simon inspired me to dust off my cricket gear. [sighs] Unfortunately, I'm having trouble controlling my googly.
Tim: Maybe you should switch to briefs.
Wilson: No, Tim. See, the googly is the cricket equivalent of a curve ball.
Tim: Well, Simon certainly threw a curve ball over here the other day. Did you know that he offered Brad a contract to play for his soccer team in England?
Wilson: Well, Simon said that Brad was a great player, but Simon never said anything about signing him up.
Tim: I am sick of what Simon says!

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, you know, Brad asked me if I could have skipped college and gone right to Tool Time, would I have done that? And I couldn't say that I wouldn't have done that.
Wilson: Ah. And you're afraid if you told Brad to do something that you wouldn't do, you would be a hypocrite.
Tim: Exactly.
Wilson: Tim, to be offered your dream job at such an early age, that would be so flattering. I think anybody would be tempted.
Tim: So do I.
Wilson: You know, for example, when I was young, I had to choose between going to Oxford or becoming a professional mime.
Tim: [mimes "Wow"] That certainly would have impacted our relationship, wouldn't it?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, if you had been offered Tool Time when you were 18 years of age, do you think you would have missed anything by not going to college?
Tim: Of course I would've missed college. That's where I met a lot of my friends, and, you know, there's all sorts of great stuff in college. You know, panty raids, keggers. And Chemistry class. They let me work with real stuff.
Wilson: That's when you blew up the lab.
Tim: Allegedly. College was more about expanding my horizons. I learned a lot of stuff.
Wilson: So there you go. You know, it seems to me you can have this talk about college with Brad without being a hypocrite.
Tim: What made you decide not to be a mime?
Wilson: [sighs] I talked myself out of it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You worked real hard this year and you got your grades up, didn't you?
Brad: Yeah, in high school. If I go to a school like UCLA, Dad, they'll humiliate me.
Tim: Where did you get an idea like that?
Brad: Grant Scott's brother sent me a book from UCLA. I couldn't even understand the cover.
Tim: Well, you just gotta... [reads] Jeez! It's like a foreign language.
Brad: That's my Spanish book.

Quote from Brad

Tim: And think about this, half of the starters on the World Cup soccer team came from UCLA.
Brad: Dad, they finished last.
Tim: That's why they need you.
Brad: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Tim: You get into UCLA, I will build you a dorm room of your dreams, man. Just like on Tool Time. What feature would you really like?
Brad: Heidi?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Brad, honey, relax.
Brad: Okay, go ahead.
Tim: [whistles] Eight-hundred-and-twenty-six million, fifty-thousand and thirty-three.
Brad: Dad, that's my Social Security number.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Do you realize how close we came to having another son in a foreign country?
Tim: What's with these kids anyway? Other people want to come to America, these kids just want to get out.
Jill: Do you think it's my cooking?
Tim: You combine that with this couch, and...

Quote from Brad

Brad: It's the closing minutes of the World Cup. Brad Taylor steals the ball and dribbles to the right, cuts back to the left, shoots! It's a goal! Goal, goal, goal! Goal! Oh, yeah!
Tim: [enters] So you're studying hard today, huh?
Brad: Yeah. I'm practicing for the SAT test.
Tim: Is this the part where they ask you to make rain?

Quote from Tim

Jill: So what do you think?
Brad: New hair?
Jill: No!
Tim: New pants?
Jill: No! New couch! New couch!
Tim & Brad: What new couch?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The School Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my assistant Al "Husky" Borland.
Al: Thank you.
Tim: Welcome to our Tool Time salute...
Both: Food fight! ... To college.
Al: In today's competitive college environment, a young man needs an edge.
Tim: That's why we've taken that dorm room and given it the old Tool Time twist.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to...
Both: ...the man's dorm room!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, at first blush, this may look like an ordinary college dorm room, but let's scratch that surface a little bit and go deep. The operative word in this dorm room is "efficiency."
Al: Most college students don't have time to do laundry, so it piles up, cluttering the workspace.
Tim: Hey, roomie, what are we gonna do with all this laundry?
Al: Not to worry.
Tim: We've modified this little trash compactor. Aha! Perfect. [Tim pulls out a cube of clothing and hands it Al] Hard to believe there's 16 weeks of my dirty underwear in there, huh? [Al drops the cube]

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