Tim: I don't want you to miss the opportunity for an education because you're afraid of messing up.
Brad: Well, don't you ever worry about messing up?
Tim: Have you ever seen Tool Time?
Brad: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Brad: I was just taking the math test. Gosh, it was so hard I'm scared to find out my score.
Tim: Well, let's add it up. How do we do this?
Brad: Well, I already did the adding and the subtracting. You have to take this number here and divide it by four.
Tim: Well, don't worry. Math is just simple logic. Let's see, two, two...
Brad: Well, Dad, when you divide, shouldn't the number get smaller?
Tim: I've been dividing since I was a kid. That is your score. Forty-two hundred, baby!
Brad: Dad, the highest possible score is 800. You know what? I bet you added a zero to the 420.
Tim: Don't be silly. You add a zero to 420, you still get 420.
Brad: Yeah, you're right.

Jill: You're never gonna get into UCLA with scores like that, no matter how well you play soccer.
Brad: I know, but I hate math. I'd rather hit myself in the head with a hammer.
Tim: Don't be too sure. It really hurts.

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right! Tim, Tim, he's our man! If he can't fix it, Big Al can! [continues cheerleading]
Tim: Heidi. Thank you, Heidi. Thank you. Thank you, Heidi.

Al: Well, moving on. Well, after a late night, most students have a hard time getting up on time. So we've created a fail-safe wake-up system with three stages of alarm.
Tim: Well, for the light sleeper... [alarm clock chimes]
Al: I'm up. For the moderate sleeper... [horn blaring]
Tim: What was that? Just five more.
Al: For the stubborn sleeper...
Man: [screams] Get up!

Wilson: He's also a very active philanthropist.
Simon: Well, I'm involved in a foundation that fights poverty and promotes world peace.
Tim: Enough chit-chat. What do you drive?
Simon: I've got a Bentley, two Jaguars and I'm restoring an Austin-Healy.
Tim: Wow, I've got an Austin-Healy myself!
Wilson: I thought that was Jill's Austin-Healy.
Tim: Technically, in the sense that she owns it and I'm not allowed to drive it.

Simon: Oh, it's a lovely car, Taylor.
Tim: Thanks. Just finishing having it rebuilt, bottom up. But there's something really funky in the wiring.
Simon: All right, let's have a quick peek under your bonnet.
Tim: Simon, we just met.
Simon: In England, they call the hood the bonnet.
Tim: I know that. It's just you Brits have a way of sucking all the manliness out of a car.
Simon: I think it was the Americans who came up with the car bra.
Tim: When you got a nice set of headlights, you want to support them with something, don't you?

Tim: Guess what the Chubbster said. He says you're good enough to play soccer professionally in England.
Brad: No way!
Tim: Yeah.
Brad: Wow! That's so cool.
Tim: [British accent] Awfully talented, frightfully good, absolutely marvelous. Shaken, not stirred. James Bond. Bond, James Bond.
Brad: Dad. Dad.
Tim: No, Goldfinger.
Brad: Dad! Dad!
Tim: No, Goldfinger.
Brad: Dad!
Tim: Pussy. Pussy Galore.
Brad: I'm trying to study here.
Tim: Right! Right! Study! The boy must study! I'll tell Moneypenny immediately.

Brad: Well, Simon says it's gonna be a great experience for me playing soccer and living on my own.
Jill: What do you plan to do for money?
Tim: Yeah.
Brad: Simon says he'll pay me £10,000 a year. Simon says that's plenty to live on.
Tim: That's simple for Simon to say.
Jill: If Simon says jump off the London Bridge, are you gonna do that?
Brad: Simon wouldn't say that.

Tim: Good arm, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, thank you, neighbor. Simon inspired me to dust off my cricket gear. [sighs] Unfortunately, I'm having trouble controlling my googly.
Tim: Maybe you should switch to briefs.
Wilson: No, Tim. See, the googly is the cricket equivalent of a curve ball.
Tim: Well, Simon certainly threw a curve ball over here the other day. Did you know that he offered Brad a contract to play for his soccer team in England?
Wilson: Well, Simon said that Brad was a great player, but Simon never said anything about signing him up.
Tim: I am sick of what Simon says!