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‘Al's Fair Lady’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Al's Fair Lady

805. Al's Fair Lady

Aired October 20, 1998

When Tim and Jill have dinner with Al and his new girlfriend, Trudy (Megan Cavanagh), she surprises him with a classic Ferrari for their one-month anniversary.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Have you talked to Trudy about this?
Al: Oh, I can't. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Wilson: Well, what about you? You know, the patriot Thomas Paine said, "It is necessary to the happiness of a man that he be faithful to himself."
Al: I suppose you're right.

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Quote from Al

Tim: Let's take a look at this van, shall we? It's a custom-made Chevy half-ton. Custom-made flares. It's got a duel rear axle, aluminum wheels, 440 horse 350, but inside is the real story. This thing is equipped to fix anything from a Hoover vacuum to the Hoover Dam. Complete set of Allen wrenches, circular saw, cordless drill, table vise. [holds up a bag of Cheetos] Even one of Al's vices.
Al: And here we have a laptop computer with a complete set of home repair manuals on CD-ROM.
Tim: We call it the brains of the operation.
Al: Something we've never called Tim.

Quote from Al

Al: Oh, no. Trudy, I really like you.
Trudy: You do?
Al: Oh, yeah. I remember the first time I saw you, you had that wire in one hand, and the rat in the other hand, and I said to myself, "Oh, boy, Al! Don't let this one get away!"

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location. And now the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and, of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Al: To give something back to the community, Binford has designed this complete workshop on wheels.
Tim: We'll be coming into your neighborhood to help with your household repairs.
Al: That's right, we're equipped to fix your tools, your car, your plumbing.
Tim: And on a good day, your schnauzer.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Moving on. We even have our own paint department on this van. You can create the custom color of your choice, right over here.
Al: And paint isn't the only thing we make to order.
Tim: Because a working man works up a hearty appetite. That's why our circular saw doubles as a deli slicer. We'll make you a salami and oak sandwich. Or how about a dagwood, extra lean?
Al: This brazing furnace? Well, it's also a barbecue grill.
Tim: So while we're sharpening your ax, "ax us" for a hamburger. You can wash it down with a Binford 6100 milkshake because our paint mixer doubles as a blender. Mmm, mmm, mmm. What flavor's that?
Al: White semi-gloss.

Quote from Heidi

Tim: I don't get it. We've been driving around for 20 minutes. Where is everybody?
Al: Maybe nobody has anything broken.
Tim: Something is always broken, Al.
Heidi: Guys, we forgot something.
[As the Tool Time theme plays from the van, a bunch of guys excitedly run towards it with their tools]

Quote from Tim

Al: There you go, Smitty. Brand-new peephole.
Tim: That should cut down on those unexpected visits from your ex-wife, huh?
Smitty: God bless you, Tool Man. You have given me hope.
Tim: Okay, Larry. I finished working on your weed hacker. Did the work myself, so I gave you a little bit more power. Gratis, man. Added a little bit of weight, so the balance is a little different. So let me show you about handling this bad boy. Al, help me out. Hold it.All right, safety first, folks. Always use your goggles. But now the motor's a little heavier now. Starting is the same. All right. Hold on to here. Gotta give it a crank, there. Oh, yeah. Little weed here. Little weed there. Just like butter! [inaudible] There you go, Larry. Start some hacking, buddy.
Al: Nicely done, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Al.
Al: Okay, well, that's it for Tool Time.
[The tree where Tim was weed-whacking falls back and crushes a shed]

Quote from Tim

Tim: What are we having for dinner?
Jill: Well, the boys are having leftover something. And you and I are going to Al's new girlfriend's for dinner.
Tim: We are?
Jill: Yeah. He said that he told you all about it. Don't you ever listen to anything he says?
Tim: I don't have to listen to Al. He's my assistant. He gets paid a handsome wage to listen to me.
Jill: When are you gonna get used to the fact that the whole world does not revolve around you?
Tim: I'm used to that fact. I'm working right now on "Why not?"

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, regardless, we're having dinner with Al and Trudy tonight.
Tim: Gee, I can't wait!
Jill: He said that they've known each other for about a month, and she's really nice.
Tim: I know her. They met on Tool Time. Don't you remember? She was that frumpy kook with the rat that did the wiring. She wasn't really the rat lady, but the real rat bit me on the nose? It's gonna be a nightmare.
Jill: It'll be fine.
Tim: Oh, you say that now, but wait till after dinner, Al undoes that belt. And those three bloodcurdling words, "Let's play Twister!"

Quote from Tim

Al: All right, so would anyone like some wine? I have a lovely pinot.
Tim: I'm sure you do. I'll have the wine, though.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I can't believe Al never told me that Trudy was rich.
Jill: Well, you know, that stuff's just not important to Al. I mean, he doesn't date for money.
Tim: He'd date for an onion ring.
Tim: She's got a grotto? A wine cellar? When I was a kid, the only thing we had in the cellar was my grandmother. "Let me out of here! This duct tape's starting to hurt me! Come on!"
Jill: Well, Trudy seems very nice. And Al seems so happy. And I feel so stupid for bringing a three-bean salad to a mansion.
Tim: FYI, that three-bean salad wouldn't taste any better in a Turkish prison.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's not just a Ferrari. It's a classic!
Jill: The car is completely inappropriate.
Tim: Wrong. It's perfect. It's dressy, yet casual.
Jill: You don't think that it is slightly insane to give a Ferrari on a one-month anniversary?
Tim: Trudy is loaded. Her giving him a car is like you giving me boxer shorts.
Jill: You'd have to be shallow not to see what is going on here.
Tim: I see what's going on here. Al got a Ferrari after sticking it out for one month! He holds on for a year, he'll get the Duesenberg she's got parked in the garage.

Quote from Wilson

Al: Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Wilson: Well, hi ho, Al. You look like you're getting ready for the Grand Prix.
Al: Well, I thought I would embrace the Ferrari lifestyle. What do you think?
Wilson: Well, to quote my old friend, the famous race-car driver, Stirling Moss, "You look fine."

Quote from Tim

Tim: "Dear Trudy, I know Al feels it's best to return the Ferrari, and I respect that. In the short time I was with the car, we became very close. And if at any point you need someone to be its big brother, please know that I'm here. Sincerely, Tim Taylor, the man who controls whether Al works weekends."

Quote from Jill

Brad: Hey, Mom, what do you think of my face?
Jill: It's the most precious, adorable little face I've ever seen.
Brad: No, I'm actually going for a goatee.
Jill: Where? Oh, no, wait! I see a little something here. No, that's a pimple.
Brad: Oh, come on, Mom. There's gotta be something down here.
Jill: Why are you suddenly growing a beard, anyway?
Brad: Well, 'cause the whole team's doing it. We decided not to shave until our winning streak's over.
Jill: Well, I'm sure you'll win lots of games and your beard will grow in nice and thick.
Brad: Yeah.
Jill: But I don't know why anybody would want to cover up that sweet, adorable little face.
Brad: Come on, Mom.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Brad. Hi, honey.
Jill: Hi, sweetie.
Brad: Dad, you can see the goatee, right?
Tim: Yeah, but your mom prefers if I don't bring it up.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Do we have the right address?
Jill: Yeah, this is it.
Tim: She probably lives in the guesthouse around back. Let's go back there.
Al: [opens door] I thought I heard voices out here! Hey!
Jill: Hi!
Tim: Al, does the owner know you're in the main house?
Al: Of course she does. The owner's Trudy. Come on in!
Jill: Wow! What an incredible house!
Tim: Yeah. This thing's gotta be worth a million bucks. I mean, a million-two if it's been re-piped with copper.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Trudy, good to see you again.
Trudy: Nice to see you, Tim. So nice to meet you, Jill. Al just raves about you.
Jill: Oh, that's so sweet. Well, I brought a three-bean salad.
Trudy: Oh, you shouldn't have.
Tim: I tried to stop her.
Trudy: Don't be silly. I'm sure it'll be a perfect complement to the pheasant.
Tim: Pheasant? That's my favorite fowl!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wow! You have an amazing house.
Trudy: Oh, thank you. It's been in the family for years. You've heard of the Rockefellers?
Jill: Well, of course.
Trudy: One of them ran over my grandfather.
Jill: That's awful!
Tim: How many times did they hit him?

Quote from Al

Jill: Trudy, that was an incredible dinner.
Trudy: Thank you. I love to cook.
Al: And I love to eat. [they giggle]
Trudy: We're perfect for each other.

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