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‘A Battle of Wheels’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: A Battle of Wheels

121. A Battle of Wheels

Aired March 17, 1992

Tim and Jill struggle to share the garage when she gets a pottery wheel. Meanwhile, Tim agrees to let Al host an episode of Tool Time.

Quote from Al

Lisa: And now, Binford Tools is proud to present Tool Time, with its very special guest host, Al "The Tool Man" Borland.
Al: Hi. [struggles to get his jacket off] Hi. And... and welcome to Tool Time, the show with more power... [grunts weakly] Ah, you all know my guest assistant, Tim "The Assistant Man" Taylor. [Tim salutes] Tim and I are going to be showing you today the proper method of installing decorative molding around the interior of a doorway. [runs backstage] Thank you, Lisa. [returns and knocks on the door]
Tim: Jeez, Al.
Al: [comes up behind Tim] Ah, Tim. Do you suppose if Little Miss Muffet went through there, instead of a "doorway" they'd call it a "curds and whey"? [snorts]
Tim: I don't think so, Al.
Al: Why not?
Tim: That's Al "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland...

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: You won't believe it, but you were wrong, Wilson. Jill didn't want intimacy.
Wilson: Is that so?
Tim: And you'll never guess what she really wanted.
Wilson: A little more time to herself?
Tim: Huh?
Wilson: You see, Tim, as Khalil Gibran said: "For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
Tim: Ah, that's beautiful. Oh, yeah, it is, yeah. I have no idea what you just said.
Wilson: I just mean that occasionally, it's healthy for you and Jill to be apart.
Tim: Why didn't you say that in the first place?
Wilson: It just came to me. Sometimes it's not good to get me too early in the day, Tim.

Quote from Al

Al: OK. So, uh... The most common decorative molding are the casings, which go around the doors and windows. And the, uh, baseboards - thank you, Tim - which go on the, uh... Ah, the. They go...
Tim: Bottom?
Al: [shouts] bottom of the walls! And the crown molding, which of course go up on... Oh. [Al's tie comes loose]
Tim: Can I assist you with that, Al?
Al: Uh, no thank you, Tim.
Tim: We could use a staple gun right to your Adam's apple, Al.
Al: And you know, speaking of staple guns, the, uh... Do... do you suppose that they call it a staple gun because it shoots out staples?
Tim: Yes, I do, Al.
Al: Well. I... I agree, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Now, look, my pottery teacher said that I should work where the creative energy feels the strongest. And since Paris is out of the question, I picked the garage and I really like it.
Tim: Well, I... I don't think it's creative energy you're sensing. This is grease energy. It's... It's man energy, and it's... Boy, it's tough, even for a woman like you. This'd suck the estrogen right out of you, honey.
Jill: What you really mean is that it's your garage and I don't belong here.
Tim: What I really mean is it's our garage, and you don't belong out here.

Quote from Jill

Tim: How many guys brought this in here?
Jill: Just one little skinny guy.
Tim: Okay. [lifts the pottery wheel] Ah, gee!
Jill: Tim, you're gonna hurt your back. You need to lift with your legs.
Tim: Is that what he did? [groans]
Jill: No, he had a forklift.

Quote from Al

Al: All right, uh, first off we're gonna get to our miter box here. Ah. Ah, so... But first, I would like to get something off my chest...
Tim: That tie?
Al: Uh... I... I'm just... I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The, uh, the other day I was in the supermarket. And I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans three for a dollar. And... and I took four. And... and the lady at the checkout counter said. "Hey, can't you count?" [silence] Women, huh? Are you with me on this? [A woman leaves] [to an audience member] Are you hot?

Quote from Tim

Tim: The auto parts god, Gearshift, has shined on me, I found this today at the junkyard.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What's this doing in the garage? I thought we wanted to put it in the basement.
Jill: Well, we were, but I can't work down there.
Tim: Oh, come on. It'll be quiet, the kids won't go down there.
Jill: Ugh, it's just damp, and there are bugs.
Tim: Well, I'll get you a sponge and an anteater, or something.

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, this show's part entertainment. It takes a lot of skill to entertain the audience while we do our projects.
Al: Anyone can do what you do.
Tim: Oh, really? Do you think you can do what I do?
Al: Oh, please. How hard can it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?
Tim: A lot harder than it looks. That isn't all that you think I do, do you?
Al: Yes, and so do most of your viewers.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, I can't work with this noise.
Jill: How can you call that noise? [sings along to the opera music]
Tim: That's not noise, that's a proctology exam.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Jill, what is this?
Jill: This is a garage-use timetable. Since we can't share the garage together. I thought we should share it separately.
Tim: Honey, I don't have any time on there.
Jill: I gave you plenty of spaces.
Tim: Oh, like between two and three on Tuesdays? I work.
Jill: Oh, that's right. Well, I'll just take that space too.
Tim: [faint chuckle] I love this, between 12 and 6 am. That's when we sleep together.
Jill: Now you're catching on, big boy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I should have never let you into my garage in the first place.
Jill: Aha! Your garage! The truth comes out.
Tim: Honey, you know what I mean. I got the hot rod here. I got my tool bench. I've already given you a place for the washing machines.
Jill: I guess I should be grateful... that you let me come into your garage to do your laundry.
Tim: What I'm trying to get at is this is a man zone.
Jill: Where is the woman zone, Tim?
Tim: All I got is the garage. You got the whole rest of the damn house.
Jill: To do what? Clean?
Tim: No. Knit, sew, cook, vacuum... [Jill picks up Tim's hammer] I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. [Jill drops the hammer] Ow!
Jill: So am I.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Al. I'm having a little trouble with your CutSaw back here, Al! [groans] I hope we didn't scare anybody just then. But it was Al's idea to stage a little disaster like this to demonstrate the importance of keeping your concentration at the workplace. Right, Al?
Al: Uh, that's right, Tim.
Tim: Get to your... get to your molding, then.
Al: Molding?
Tim: Yeah, the molding, Al. You know, when I'm molding, sometimes, cutting in a miter, I get splinters at the end of my wood. What would you do about that, Al?
Al: Ah, well, you want to take your tape. And tape the front of the molding before you start your miter.
Tim: Thank you, Al.
Al: No, thank you, Tim.
Tim: Hey, Al, do you suppose they call this "molding" because it's made out of stuff that's been in the refrigerator a little too long?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi ho, good neighbor.
Tim: Hey, Wilson. What are you up to?
Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.
Tim: Yeah, of who?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I believe that would be of me.
Tim: Yeah? Can I see what you got so far?
Wilson: Sure, neighbor.
[Wilson holds up a painting of himself with his face only half poking above a fence]
Tim: I got a question for you. Do you mind?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I would never give you the brush-off.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You have to understand, Tim, life for women is connections, a struggle to avoid isolation and preserve intimacy.
Tim: Uh, intimacy.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: Yeah, bingo.
Wilson: Hm?
Tim: Intimacy. That's what it's all about. Wilson, you're always right.
Wilson: Ah, ah, Tim, Tim. "Always" is as dangerous a word as "never".

Quote from Tim

Tim: There's a fine how-do-you-do. I always think about you.
Jill: Oh, really? Even when you're watching football?
Tim: Especially when I'm watching football. Yeah, I sit down and watch football. I'm always thinking: "God, if Jill were here, she could get me another beer."

Quote from Jill

Brad: Mom, I can't find the hose.
Jill: What do you want it for, anyway?
Randy: Oh, nothing. Just something to do.
Jill: Why don't you read a book?
Brad: You can't make mud with a book.
Jill: Mud?
Brad: We're playing commandos. We're putting the mud on our faces for camouflage.
Jill: No mud.
Brad & Randy: Oh, man.
Jill: Wait a second, wait a second. You really want your faces dirty?
Randy: Yeah.
Jill: Okay, come here. [Jill smears clay on Randy's face]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys.
Brad & Randy: Hi, Dad.
Tim: What? Are you giving each other facials?
Randy: No. We're playing commandos.
Tim: What? Are you attacking a beauty salon, or something?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, your area is way over there, mine is way over here. If I bother you, you can just tell me and I'll leave.
Tim: Good. Jill?
Jill: What?
Tim: You're bothering me. I'm kidding. We'll share the garage.
Jill: Good.
Tim: I was just concerned about your safety. I gotta put on the steering box today, and you know what that means? Welding. Sparks, heat, noise, sweat.
Jill: Wow. We should have welded on our honeymoon.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al, you didn't... you didn't get the stop in there.
Al: I believe that was your job, Tim.
Tim: Al, I believe you're my assistant. You're supposed to check up my work, right? That's what a good assistant does, right, Al?
Al: A good assistant does a lot more than that, Tim.
Tim: You're right, Al. And that's why Al and I plan these minor slip-ups. To demonstrate the importance of how a good assistant can prevent accidents like this. Isn't that right, Al?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: I think what Al means is, if you're not careful and watch your step. You can screw up, just like Al did. Tool Time tip: don't be like Al. See you next time, everybody.

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