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‘A Battle of Wheels’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: A Battle of Wheels

121. A Battle of Wheels

Aired March 17, 1992

Tim and Jill struggle to share the garage when she gets a pottery wheel. Meanwhile, Tim agrees to let Al host an episode of Tool Time.

Quote from Al

Lisa: And now, Binford Tools is proud to present Tool Time, with its very special guest host, Al "The Tool Man" Borland.
Al: Hi. [struggles to get his jacket off] Hi. And... and welcome to Tool Time, the show with more power... [grunts weakly] Ah, you all know my guest assistant, Tim "The Assistant Man" Taylor. [Tim salutes] Tim and I are going to be showing you today the proper method of installing decorative molding around the interior of a doorway. [runs backstage] Thank you, Lisa. [returns and knocks on the door]
Tim: Jeez, Al.
Al: [comes up behind Tim] Ah, Tim. Do you suppose if Little Miss Muffet went through there, instead of a "doorway" they'd call it a "curds and whey"? [snorts]
Tim: I don't think so, Al.
Al: Why not?
Tim: That's Al "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland...


Quote from Wilson

Tim: You won't believe it, but you were wrong, Wilson. Jill didn't want intimacy.
Wilson: Is that so?
Tim: And you'll never guess what she really wanted.
Wilson: A little more time to herself?
Tim: Huh?
Wilson: You see, Tim, as Khalil Gibran said: "For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
Tim: Ah, that's beautiful. Oh, yeah, it is, yeah. I have no idea what you just said.
Wilson: I just mean that occasionally, it's healthy for you and Jill to be apart.
Tim: Why didn't you say that in the first place?
Wilson: It just came to me. Sometimes it's not good to get me too early in the day, Tim.

Quote from Al

Al: OK. So, uh... The most common decorative molding are the casings, which go around the doors and windows. And the, uh, baseboards - thank you, Tim - which go on the, uh... Ah, the. They go...
Tim: Bottom?
Al: [shouts] bottom of the walls! And the crown molding, which of course go up on... Oh. [Al's tie comes loose]
Tim: Can I assist you with that, Al?
Al: Uh, no thank you, Tim.
Tim: We could use a staple gun right to your Adam's apple, Al.
Al: And you know, speaking of staple guns, the, uh... Do... do you suppose that they call it a staple gun because it shoots out staples?
Tim: Yes, I do, Al.
Al: Well. I... I agree, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Now, look, my pottery teacher said that I should work where the creative energy feels the strongest. And since Paris is out of the question, I picked the garage and I really like it.
Tim: Well, I... I don't think it's creative energy you're sensing. This is grease energy. It's... It's man energy, and it's... Boy, it's tough, even for a woman like you. This'd suck the estrogen right out of you, honey.
Jill: What you really mean is that it's your garage and I don't belong here.
Tim: What I really mean is it's our garage, and you don't belong out here.

Quote from Jill

Tim: How many guys brought this in here?
Jill: Just one little skinny guy.
Tim: Okay. [lifts the pottery wheel] Ah, gee!
Jill: Tim, you're gonna hurt your back. You need to lift with your legs.
Tim: Is that what he did? [groans]
Jill: No, he had a forklift.

Quote from Al

Al: All right, uh, first off we're gonna get to our miter box here. Ah. Ah, so... But first, I would like to get something off my chest...
Tim: That tie?
Al: Uh... I... I'm just... I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The, uh, the other day I was in the supermarket. And I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans three for a dollar. And... and I took four. And... and the lady at the checkout counter said. "Hey, can't you count?" [silence] Women, huh? Are you with me on this? [A woman leaves] [to an audience member] Are you hot?

Quote from Tim

Tim: The auto parts god, Gearshift, has shined on me, I found this today at the junkyard.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What's this doing in the garage? I thought we wanted to put it in the basement.
Jill: Well, we were, but I can't work down there.
Tim: Oh, come on. It'll be quiet, the kids won't go down there.
Jill: Ugh, it's just damp, and there are bugs.
Tim: Well, I'll get you a sponge and an anteater, or something.

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, this show's part entertainment. It takes a lot of skill to entertain the audience while we do our projects.
Al: Anyone can do what you do.
Tim: Oh, really? Do you think you can do what I do?
Al: Oh, please. How hard can it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?
Tim: A lot harder than it looks. That isn't all that you think I do, do you?
Al: Yes, and so do most of your viewers.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, I can't work with this noise.
Jill: How can you call that noise? [sings along to the opera music]
Tim: That's not noise, that's a proctology exam.

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