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‘Not-So-Great Scott’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Not-So-Great Scott

807. Not-So-Great Scott

Aired November 3, 1998

Jill finds out in one of her therapy sessions that Heidi's husband, Scott, is cheating on her.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I had a patient come in and tell me that she'd had an affair with Heidi's husband. Heidi found out about it because I broke confidentiality and told Tim.
Wilson: Ah. Now you're telling me.
Jill: Oh, my God! I did it again. I can't believe it! I'm completely hopeless. You know, I'm just lucky that my supervisor never found out what I did.
Wilson: Well, you are right because she could've lost her license, and you could've been kicked out of the master's program.
Jill: Really?
Wilson: Oh, really. Also, the school could've been sued, and you might've been written about in textbooks for future generations to study.
Jill: Wilson, you're not making me feel any better.
Wilson: Well, excuse me! Why do I always have to be Santa's little helper? Well, I mean, I have wants. I-I-I- I have needs. I have issues. But does anyone ever come to the fence and say, "Wilson, do you have a problem?" I mean, no! It's just "Me, me, me, me!"

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Quote from Jill

Tim: Some affair at work? Let me guess. Let me guess. It's Al, isn't it? Huh? It's a classic case, psychologically. He's way too close to his mom. His house is too tidy. He's gay, isn't he?
Jill: It's not Al. Don't ask me any more questions. It violates my doctor/patient confidentiality.
Tim: I respect that, too. It's Marv, the camera guy, right?
Jill: It's not Marv, and the subject is closed.
Tim: Milton!
Jill: Milton doesn't go in for that sort of thing!

Quote from Jill

Tim: Look at Heidi's chest.
Jill: Okay, you just noticed?
Tim: The pin.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome back to Tool Time on location. We're here in Melvindale.
Tim: That's right, Heidi. We're doing a special renovation on the home of Marcy Miller. Say hi.
Marcy: Hello.
Al: Marcy's recently taken up one of America's fastest-growing hobbies, collecting fine wine.
Tim: Now, for most of us, the collection of fine wines has been associated with rich, snooty people. Lovey, don't waste the Bordeaux on Gilligan.
Al: But not anymore. Lots of people are collecting wine. And to help Marcy out, we're converting her whole butler's pantry into a wine locker. Now, our first step is to take out the old cabinets and shelves here.
Tim: Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute. The first step is to get rid of the old butler. Excuse me. [over intercom] Jeeves, walk yourself to the curb, but leave the silver here. Bye-bye.
Marcy: [laughs] You nut.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Okay, we've finished gutting our room, now it's time to create a moisture barrier.
Heidi: This allows us to control the climate regardless of outside conditions.
Al: To start, we've covered our walls with 3-mil plastic sheeting.
Tim: Shields moisture out, locks freshness in.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Okay, the guys have just finished installing our climate-control system.
Al: This is a combination refrigerator/humidifier, which will allow Marcy to keep the room at 55 degrees with 65% humidity.
Tim: And a 10% chance of showers.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, we've put in our redwood racks. Now, if you're on a limited budget, you can substitute PVC pipe for the redwood.
Tim: There's Marcy right now. Marcy, what do you think of your new wine room?
Marcy: Oh, it looks terrific. But these shelves are so tall. Are you sure they won't tip over?
Tim: Not a chance. I fastened these to the walls and floors with seven-inch bolts myself. Added some extra weight here for stability.
Al: Good thinking, Tim.
Marcy: Well, I love it. And to commemorate the occasion, I'm going to add this rare '56 Mouton Rothschild.
Al: Okay. Now, because of the added weight, we've also taken the precaution of reinforcing the floor.
Tim: We did?
Al: Didn't we?
Tim: I didn't. Did you?
[After a creaking sound, the wine rack falls through the floor.]

Quote from Mark

Tim: Just in time. Mark's doing a video on the family. [to camera] Scott and I just finished re-jetting the carburetor on the Nomad. Well, actually, Scott did it. I watched. Anyway, we're all finished.
Mark: Week three. Dad claims he's finished with the Nomad. The delusion continues.
Tim: Oh, ye of little faith. Okay, let me put it this way. The Nomad is done, finished. Finito!
Scott: Unless we slap a blower on her.
Tim: [grunts] This thing would run like a scalded cat! Yeah.
Scott: Yeah?
Mark: If you would like to learn more about obsessive-compulsive behavior, please consult your local library.

Quote from Tim

Scott: Heidi and I are having our own slumber party.
Tim: A slumber party?
Jill: Yeah. They finally got a night to themselves. Her mom's got the baby.
Heidi: And I got my baby.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey! We're in a garage.
Jill: Any and all affection must be directed towards the car.

Quote from Jill

Scott: You know, Tim and I were talking about the four of us doing something together.
Jill: Oh, that would be great. I haven't had any time for fun lately. What should we do?
Heidi: Why don't we go to dinner?
Tim: Oh, that sounds fun, but we were thinking about a wrestling match.
Jill: We'd kill you.
Scott: Channel 8 gave us sportswriters free tickets.
Tim: That's right. To see Screaming Steve Sanchez versus The Exterminator. Channel 8's tickets are so close, you'd be wiping sweat off your foreheads.
Jill: I got it. I got it. We'll go out to dinner, and you two can wrestle over the check.

Quote from Jill

Jill: How did all of this get started?
Wendy: We used to work together. But we always had this great mental chemistry. Do you know what it's like when you and a man that you are crazy about are on the same intellectual wavelength?
Jill: No. But go on.

Quote from Jill

Wendy: Well, one night last spring, I was at the TV station where I used to work, Channel 8, and Scott and I were both stuck there late, writing extra sports columns...
Jill: Hold on a second. Did you say Scott?
Wendy: Yeah, Scott. Well, anyway, it was late, and we got hungry...
Jill: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just... I wanna make sure that I heard you correctly. You did say Channel 8, the TV station?
Wendy: Yeah, the TV station. Anyway, it was...
Jill: The only reason I ask is that sometimes, if a patient's under stress, they'll get their facts confused, you know? Like they might say TV station when really what they mean is a train station or a bus station.
Wendy: Are you under stress?
Jill: No! No, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Quote from Jill

Tim: It's not me, is it? Heidi! She's cheating on Scott. The guy just rebuilt my carburetor, for God's sake!
Jill: It's not Heidi. Heidi would never do anything like that.
Tim: Heidi wouldn't do anything like that? Oh, and you're suggesting Scott would do something like that? Oh, you know, it's always the man! You women get up on your high moral horse, you know? This guy would not do anything like that! He's a car guy!
Jill: This car guy did do that.
Tim: I don't believe it. He's a Chevy guy.
Jill: He's parking his Chevy in another garage.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I don't believe it.
Jill: Tim... Look, this new patient came into my office today and told me that she was having an affair with a good-looking, married sportswriter named Scott who works at Channel 8.
Tim: "Good-looking, married sportswriter, named Scott who works at Channel 8." And you naturally assume it's the same good-looking, married sportswriter that works at Channel 8, named Scott, who's married to Heidi?
Jill: Tim, it's the same Scott! He wined her, he dined her and then he surprised her with a wooden owl.
Tim: I've never heard it called that before.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: I'm so glad we're finally able to get together.
Tim: This is fun. Not big, greasy men body-slamming each other.
Jill: We'll save that for our anniversary.
Tim: Isn't there supposed to be a celery stalk or pickle in the Bloody Marys?
Antonio: Sometimes in life, we do not get everything we want.
Tim: You know, we've been coming to this restaurant for 10 years. When are we going to get something other than the attitude?
Antonio: When you go to another restaurant.

Quote from Heidi

Scott: So you guys know about Wendy. I don't know what to say.
Tim: Well, I bet you know what to say when you're working on Wendy's float bowls.
Heidi: Wendy? Wendy Reynolds. Scott, what's going on with you and Wendy?
Antonio: I'm guessing he's stuffing the cannoli. I'll give you two more minutes to decide.

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: You slept with Wendy Reynolds.
Scott: It was months ago before she left the station, when you and I were separated.
Heidi: Scott, we were separated three weeks!
Scott: I didn't know what I was doing. I was lonely. I was miserable.
Heidi: I was lonely. I was miserable. But do I jump in the sack with Tim?

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm sorry that we have to leave.
Antonio: Ah, I hope you found the free dinner rolls to your satisfaction.
Tim: Actually, they were a tad yeasty.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, I feel so terrible.
Tim: So do I. I spent 20 bucks on two drinks.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm talking about Scott and Heidi. I thought we agreed not to say anything about this!
Tim: I snapped. I just can't believe he'd do that to my good friend Heidi.
Jill: Oh, I know. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. It's totally my fault. I should've known if I told you, you wouldn't be able to keep your big yap shut.
Tim: How come when it's your fault, it winds up being my fault?
Jill: No, no, no. I should never have betrayed my patient's confidence. What I did... I disgraced the entire psychology profession.
Tim: You think you got it bad? Because of what Scott did, it's a dark day for all Chevy guys.

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