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Home Improvement: Not-So-Great Scott

807. Not-So-Great Scott

Aired November 3, 1998

Jill finds out in one of her therapy sessions that Heidi's husband, Scott, is cheating on her.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: I had a patient come in and tell me that she'd had an affair with Heidi's husband. Heidi found out about it because I broke confidentiality and told Tim.
Wilson: Ah. Now you're telling me.
Jill: Oh, my God! I did it again. I can't believe it! I'm completely hopeless. You know, I'm just lucky that my supervisor never found out what I did.
Wilson: Well, you are right because she could've lost her license, and you could've been kicked out of the master's program.
Jill: Really?
Wilson: Oh, really. Also, the school could've been sued, and you might've been written about in textbooks for future generations to study.
Jill: Wilson, you're not making me feel any better.
Wilson: Well, excuse me! Why do I always have to be Santa's little helper? Well, I mean, I have wants. I-I-I- I have needs. I have issues. But does anyone ever come to the fence and say, "Wilson, do you have a problem?" I mean, no! It's just "Me, me, me, me!"


Quote from Jill

Tim: Some affair at work? Let me guess. Let me guess. It's Al, isn't it? Huh? It's a classic case, psychologically. He's way too close to his mom. His house is too tidy. He's gay, isn't he?
Jill: It's not Al. Don't ask me any more questions. It violates my doctor/patient confidentiality.
Tim: I respect that, too. It's Marv, the camera guy, right?
Jill: It's not Marv, and the subject is closed.
Tim: Milton!
Jill: Milton doesn't go in for that sort of thing!

Quote from Jill

Tim: Look at Heidi's chest.
Jill: Okay, you just noticed?
Tim: The pin.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome back to Tool Time on location. We're here in Melvindale.
Tim: That's right, Heidi. We're doing a special renovation on the home of Marcy Miller. Say hi.
Marcy: Hello.
Al: Marcy's recently taken up one of America's fastest-growing hobbies, collecting fine wine.
Tim: Now, for most of us, the collection of fine wines has been associated with rich, snooty people. Lovey, don't waste the Bordeaux on Gilligan.
Al: But not anymore. Lots of people are collecting wine. And to help Marcy out, we're converting her whole butler's pantry into a wine locker. Now, our first step is to take out the old cabinets and shelves here.
Tim: Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute. The first step is to get rid of the old butler. Excuse me. [over intercom] Jeeves, walk yourself to the curb, but leave the silver here. Bye-bye.
Marcy: [laughs] You nut.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Okay, we've finished gutting our room, now it's time to create a moisture barrier.
Heidi: This allows us to control the climate regardless of outside conditions.
Al: To start, we've covered our walls with 3-mil plastic sheeting.
Tim: Shields moisture out, locks freshness in.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Okay, the guys have just finished installing our climate-control system.
Al: This is a combination refrigerator/humidifier, which will allow Marcy to keep the room at 55 degrees with 65% humidity.
Tim: And a 10% chance of showers.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, we've put in our redwood racks. Now, if you're on a limited budget, you can substitute PVC pipe for the redwood.
Tim: There's Marcy right now. Marcy, what do you think of your new wine room?
Marcy: Oh, it looks terrific. But these shelves are so tall. Are you sure they won't tip over?
Tim: Not a chance. I fastened these to the walls and floors with seven-inch bolts myself. Added some extra weight here for stability.
Al: Good thinking, Tim.
Marcy: Well, I love it. And to commemorate the occasion, I'm going to add this rare '56 Mouton Rothschild.
Al: Okay. Now, because of the added weight, we've also taken the precaution of reinforcing the floor.
Tim: We did?
Al: Didn't we?
Tim: I didn't. Did you?
[After a creaking sound, the wine rack falls through the floor.]

Quote from Mark

Tim: Just in time. Mark's doing a video on the family. [to camera] Scott and I just finished re-jetting the carburetor on the Nomad. Well, actually, Scott did it. I watched. Anyway, we're all finished.
Mark: Week three. Dad claims he's finished with the Nomad. The delusion continues.
Tim: Oh, ye of little faith. Okay, let me put it this way. The Nomad is done, finished. Finito!
Scott: Unless we slap a blower on her.
Tim: [grunts] This thing would run like a scalded cat! Yeah.
Scott: Yeah?
Mark: If you would like to learn more about obsessive-compulsive behavior, please consult your local library.

Quote from Tim

Scott: Heidi and I are having our own slumber party.
Tim: A slumber party?
Jill: Yeah. They finally got a night to themselves. Her mom's got the baby.
Heidi: And I got my baby.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey! We're in a garage.
Jill: Any and all affection must be directed towards the car.

Quote from Jill

Scott: You know, Tim and I were talking about the four of us doing something together.
Jill: Oh, that would be great. I haven't had any time for fun lately. What should we do?
Heidi: Why don't we go to dinner?
Tim: Oh, that sounds fun, but we were thinking about a wrestling match.
Jill: We'd kill you.
Scott: Channel 8 gave us sportswriters free tickets.
Tim: That's right. To see Screaming Steve Sanchez versus The Exterminator. Channel 8's tickets are so close, you'd be wiping sweat off your foreheads.
Jill: I got it. I got it. We'll go out to dinner, and you two can wrestle over the check.

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