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‘Stereo-Typical’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Stereo-Typical

124. Stereo-Typical

Aired May 5, 1992

Tim buys a new stereo system for the house. Meanwhile, Tool Time welcomes back the K&B guys for a musical performance.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And thus you have a beautifully decorated nameplate for your home. So when you come to my door, whose house is it, Al?
Al: Rolyat Mit.
Tim: All you got to do is read it, and it says... Rolyat Mit. How did I screw that up? Anyway, that's just one of the uses for a scrolling saber saw. Another way to make a scroll cut is use your coping saw. Say, Al, do you suppose they call these coping saws cos they're good at handling stress?
Al: I don't think so, Rolyat.
Tim: Thanks, Al. I mean, La.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: To most people, saws just mean noise, wood chips. And maybe a missing finger or two. Not to me. [chuckles] To me, a saw says the sound of power, something a man can relate to. Yeah, this bad boy is raw power. [audience grunts] Ar-ar yourselves. Yeah. This is a 3.5-cubic-inch chain saw. Automatic oil, manual chain style. [runs at the audience with the saw] Yeah, you won't have this thing around too long before you hear the wife going: "Are you sure you're supposed to have that running in the bedroom?" You want to cut down on the noise, put some tape across her mouth. I'm kidding. Al, the women know I'm kidding, right?
Al: That's Tim "He's Not Kidding" Taylor... [Tim cuts Al's cardboard sign with the saw] Boy, I'm tired of that sign, Al. Besides, the women know I'm kidding. If not, they're probably too busy yapping to hear me anyway.
Al: [with a new sign] That's Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, P.O. Box 3273...
Tim: Al, Al. Do the words "job search" mean anything to you at all? [Al rips up the sign]

Quote from Jill

Tim: All right. I'll buy sensible speakers, but we could upgrade the amp, boost the power...
Jill: No boosting. No rewiring. I just want something simple I can turn on.
Tim: Like me.
Jill: Not that simple.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: See, it's not unlike what the ancient Greeks felt during a dithyramb.
Tim: Dithyramb? How do you spell that?
Wilson: Well... Let's just say a poem with wild and irregular rhythms.
Tim: Let's just say that.
Wilson: Right. The dithyramb actually was a prelude to Greek theater. There was much stylized dancing and chanting as 50 naked men danced to the beat of a drum.
Tim: I think there's a place like that down by the airport.
Wilson: One of my favorite dithyrambs is similar to the chorus in a play by Aeschylus. "Give ear to my dithyramb. Ho! My flesh crawls while I listen to them pray. The day of doom has waited long. Oh, pain, grown into the race and blood-dripping stroke and grinding cry of disaster moaning and impossible weight to bear." [banging] Hmm. I am cleansed.
Tim: These guys would do that naked?

Quote from Tim

Mark: Dad, I found the instructions. You said there weren't any.
Tim: Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion of how to put this together. We got a better way, don't we?
Mark: [grunts] Yeah.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah!

Quote from Jill

Randy: Yeah, we want to listen to the speakers.
Tim: Prepare to be amazed. I've got 500 watts running through this bad boy.
Jill: 500 watts? Is it safe for us to be sitting here?
Tim: It's as safe as any other job I've done.
Jill: OK, boys. Let's go.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What I'm trying to say here is that tools in general don't just have to make banging, crashing, sawing noises. Tools can also make music. And to prove my point, I've got a special guest invited here to Tool Time. So I expect a big Tool Time welcome for Miss Janeen Rae Heller. Hi, Janeen. This is my assistant, Al.
Janeen Rae Heller: Oh, I'm a big fan of yours, Al.
Tim: Thanks for that. Why don't you sit right down here? As we all can plainly see, Janeen's got an ordinary Binford crosscut saw. Which means we're gonna have her build us a sun porch.
Janeen Rae Heller: No, Tim, I'm going to be playing music.
Tim: Music to even the most sensitive of ears. All right, hit it, Janeen.
Janeen Rae Heller: Any requests?
Tim: Maybe...
Al: Yes, I have one. It's from my favorite movie.
Tim: Do you know the theme to Dumbo?
Al: Tim, that's my favorite movie about an elephant. I would like to hear "Greensleeves".

Quote from Jill

Tim: Come on, think about it. They're great. I been reading a lot about speakers now. They're changing. Five-way bass reflex, right? Triple-crossover networks.
Jill: It excites me so much when you talk about conductors, high response.
Tim: Jill.
Jill: Megahertz, tweeters...
Tim: Jill, they got... You got a minute?
Jill: ..woofers.
Tim: You got a minute?
Tim: Can I speak for just one second?
Jill: All right.
Tim: They're new. Everything's got magnetic dampening and cooling, mini tweeters. They got aluminum diaphragms now in 'em. [Jill has a puzzled look on her face]

Quote from Tim

Jill: You stay here. I'll go buy the speakers.
Tim: Jill, please, please stay here. You go, you'll end up getting matching wood grain and a soft decor to go with carpets, chairs and linoleum. Men's speakers - that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days, that's it.
Jill: Before you get all these hairy speakers. I want you to stop and think to yourself: "What would Jill want me to buy?"
Tim: I always do that.
Jill: Well, listen this time.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Dad, are these good speakers?
Tim: You bet. The best. Dual concentric design speaker elements with the tweeter inside the woofer.
Mark: Woof!

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Hi-de-ho, big neighbor and little neighbor.
Tim & Mark: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: I see you got some stereo equipment.
Tim: Ah, state of the art, my friend. I was looking for speakers, but I ended up with a whole entertainment center.
Wilson: So you and Jill went shopping together.
Tim: Uh, she couldn't make it, so I'm hoping to surprise her.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: Wait till she sees the CD player. Eight times oversampling. Holds 18 CDs. We could party all night, man. [dances] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wilson: Your lovely wife just came in, Tim, and I think you're right. She does look surprised.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, why are you obsessed with all this gadgetry? This is way too complicated.
Tim: This couldn't be simpler.
Jill: Oh, yeah? Then you tell me, how do I turn the TV on?
Tim: [scoffs] Piece of cake. Set your pre-amp, turn on your amp, set VTR button to "TV". Sound system acoustical or flat. Dolby up one C, flip on your monitor.
Jill: Tim, box it up, open the door, put it in the car, take it back.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi-de-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Did you get that sound system hooked up yet?
Tim: Oh, yeah. Piece of cake, man. Can I ask you a question?
Wilson: Woof my tweeter, Tim.
Tim: When you listen to your music, do you have it up so loud it rattles the walls?
Wilson: Well, I used to, Tim, but nowadays when I pound on the bongos that hard, it just makes my palms sore.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill thinks I'm obsessed with all this stereo technology.
Wilson: Mm-hmm-hmm.
Tim: That's not it, you know. I like the loud music, but I like sound. That's what I like. I like 20 megahertz roaring through my body, shaking my bladder. My brain's blasting, my stomach's quivering... [grunts]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you all. Thank you all. Ar-ar yourselves. Cut it out. Welcome to the show. We have a very special program. I'm Tim Taylor. Of course, this is my assistant Al "I Wish I Could Be Tim Taylor" Borland. Like I said, we have a very special show today.
Al: You mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?
Tim: Maybe just your contract, fella.

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