Jerry Holborne: We award this certificate to Tim Taylor for his efforts to promote safety at home and on the job.
Al: You're getting an award for safety?
Tim: Yeah, I am, flannel boy. You got a problem with that?
Al: Well, I guess they didn't see the show where you fell through the roof of the project house.
Tim: Maybe they didn't, Al.
Al: Or the time you glued your head to the table.
Tim: Al!
Al: Or the time when you stapled the...
Tim: Jerry... Jerry, continue.
Jerry Holborne: Your clever staging of realistic-looking accidents clearly shows viewers what not to do. We salute you.

Randy: Want us to tell you what Mom got you?
Tim: [loudly] No, I don't want you to tell me what Mom got me. The surprise is half the fun. [quietly after Jill goes upstairs] I want to know and I want to know right now.
Randy: Oh, well, you know, I don't want to ruin the surprise.
Tim: Mark, two bucks?
Mark: Broom closet. Top shelf.
Tim: All right.
Randy: Hey, I didn't know there were gonna be bribes involved.
Tim: Where have you been living the last ten years?

Andy: Hey, tool man. I love your show. [grunts]
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah.
Andy: You must be Mrs. Arr-arr.
Jill: Well, actually, Arr-arr-arr is my married name. My maiden name was... [high-pitched barking]

Al: And how was the first ballroom dancing class?
Tim: It went pretty good.
Jill: Oh, pretty good! It was a disaster. He threw the teacher across the room.
Al: You did?
Tim: Not. She said, "Spin me. Spin me." You'd think a former June Taylor Dancer could take a fall better than that.
Jill: Well, she might have been able to if she hadn't caught her chin on the piano.
Al: Well, I'm still free for tomorrow night for lesson number two.
Jill: I don't think so, Al. After she regained consciousness, Mrs. Keeney gave our description to the security guard.
Tim: She was so woozy she described us as an elderly Japanese couple.

Tim: And the Binford power roofing nail gun is my favorite, because the new magazine holds 120 roofing nails. It's enough for a bushel of shingles. [camera man groans]
Al: Available at fine hardware stores everywhere.
Tim: Mark, get a claw hammer, get that out of your thigh. Get some salve on it.
Al: Tim.
Tim: And if it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else makes it.

Tim: All right, before we get to our next project, we have a special guest. Jerry Holborne's here from the Village Association to give me a certificate of appreciation.
Al: You?
Tim: Is there an echo in here? Yes, me. Let's bring Jerry out here with a big Tool Time welcome. Jerry Holbornet, everybody.
Jerry Holborne: It's good to see you, Tim. You know, I've never been on TV before.
Tim: Oh, anybody can do it.
Al: You should know.
Jerry Holborne: Well, Tim, on behalf of the Detroit Area Homebuilders Association, I would like to present you with this beautiful scroll.
Tim: Now, Al's name's on there, right?
Jerry Holborne: No, it's not.
Tim: Oh. It's too bad, huh?

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Got one for you.
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: How much wood could a Wilson chop if a Wilson could chop wood?
Wilson: He could cut a quarter of a cord of conifer if you gave him a quarter for every cord he cut.
Tim: You're good.

Wilson: Problem, Tim?
Tim: The problem is I can't dance.
Wilson: I won't ask you.
Tim: I got Jill kinda angry with me 'cause I was goofing around at this dance class we took.
Wilson: Well, Tim, oftentimes we mock that which we cannot do.
Tim: I can't cha-cha. I was trying to figure out where to put my hands and my feet and line everything up. And the next thing I know, the instructor slides under a piano and her jaw is wired shut.
Wilson: I don't know that step.
Tim: She didn't either. [chuckles] Whoa.

Wilson: Well, Tim, the problem is you're just thinking too much. Let's say you were a racecar driver...
Tim: Oh.
Wilson: And you're taking your turns at Indy.
Tim: Indy, aaaaarrrgghhh! Passing Unser. See you, buddy. Sucker! Aah!
Wilson: Ah, Tim, you're doing quite well.
Tim: Yeah. Finish line's right up there, checkered flag.
Wilson: Don't look in the mirror.
Tim: Aaaaarrrgghhh!
Wilson: Mirrors? Forget about the minicam.
Tim: Minicam's right back here.
Wilson: Don't wave at the...
Tim: Aah!
Wilson: Uh-oh. You hit the wall.
Tim: They're all passing me. I was so close to it.
Wilson: Well, Tim, you were doing fine when you weren't thinking about the minicam or the mirrors and such. You were going on instinct. You were one with the car. You were Zenlike.
Tim: I was Zenlike. I never met Zen. What was he like?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Zen is a state of mind. Like when you dance, you can't worry about what your hands and your feet are doing. You just have to let the music envelop you.

Mark: What is green, has eight legs and liver spots?
Tim: I don't know, but I think I married her.
Jill: With all eight legs kicking and screaming.