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‘Thanksgiving’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Thanksgiving

709. Thanksgiving

Aired November 25, 1997

Tim and the family spend Thanksgiving in a V.I.P. box at the Silverdome. [Guest stars: Rodney Dangerfield, Tom Poston and Alex Rocco]

Quote from Tim

Ted: These are the transformers and all the breakers. I love spending time down here.
Tim: Who wouldn't? The place is so homey.
Ted: If you like this, wait till you see our control room. That's where we operate all of the Silverdome's lights and our 2,000 toilets.
Tim: Wait a minute. Two thousand toilets? Is there a button you can press to flush them all at once?
Ted: No, but I'll bring it up at the next board meeting. You're a thinker. I like that.

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Quote from Tim

Ted: Hello, Taylor family. Welcome to box 12. I'm Ted, your personal Silverdome liaison and I've got hats.
Jill: Oh, thank you. I'm Jill Taylor. And that's Randy, Mark and Brad and my husband, Tim Taylor.
Ted: Hey, it's "The Tool Man." [imitating Tim] "Oh! Oh!"
Tim: Good to meet you, Ted. Um, you look awful familiar. Have we met before?
Ted: No. Perhaps you've met one of my brothers. Ned or Fred?
Tim: Wait a minute. One brother works at the airport in Alpena. And the other brother at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, I've met them.
Ted: Yes. I hope they didn't give you any trouble. They've always been pretty ornery. One time they held me down and packed my nose with candy corn.
Jill: Kids can be so cruel.
Ted: This was last Christmas. By the way, Tim, I've been authorized to give you a tour of the Silverdome's nerve center. Home of our state-of-the-art electrical and plumbing system.
Tim: Somebody pinch me!

Quote from Tim

Ted: Mr. Taylor? Are you ready to explore the bowels of the Silverdome?
Tim: Let me loose.
Jill: Tim, can I speak to you for a moment? He'll be right there. You cannot leave us alone with the Schmayman.
Tim: Jill, Jill, Jill. Thanksgiving is about compassion. It's about reaching out to others. It's about being there for other people. Gotta go.

Quote from Jill

Irv Schmayman: Boy, this takes me back. January, 1994, the earthquake hit and wiped out the power while Tina Turner was staying in my guest house.
Jill: So, let me guess. You went next door and borrowed a flashlight from David Bowie.
Irv Schmayman: You know, Jillsie, we Schmaymans are pretty perceptive people, and I am picking up a hint of sarcasm on my "Schmaydar."

Quote from Jill

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, Schmayman. Hey. What can I tell you, huh?
Irv Schmayman: Hey, Rodney.
Rodney Dangerfield: I had a hard time finding you, you know. After they saw my face they turned off all the lights.
Irv Schmayman: Rodney starred in my Christmas special. I Don't Get No Respect: On Ice.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, and I'll tell you, it was cold. It was so cold, it was colder than my wife's handshake on our honeymoon.
Jill: [laughs] Hello.
Rodney Dangerfield: How do you do, baby.
Jill: I'm Jill Taylor. I can't believe it's Rodney Dangerfield. What are you doing in Detroit?
Rodney Dangerfield: I'm looking for plugs and points. [laughter] I was the Grand Marshal at the Great American Parade. And I tell you, if they made me the Grand Marshal, how great can America be, you know?

Quote from Jill

Mark: Mom? Who's Rodney Dangerfield?
Jill: Honey, he's a famous comic. He's hilarious.
Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, what's with the black outfit? I mean, devil worshipers are in box 666.
Randy: You are good.
Rodney Dangerfield: [chuckles] Thanks, shorty. You know, when I was a kid, I was short myself. I was so short I had to blow my nose through my fly. [laughter]
Jill: Are you this funny at home?
Rodney Dangerfield: Not since my wife's mother moved in. What a barracuda.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Hey, I'm sorry I wrecked your Thanksgiving, OK.
Jill: No! Are you kidding? It was great. It was the best Thanksgiving ever. We got to hang out with Rodney Dangerfield. [imitating Rodney] It was wild. It was like my neighborhood. You know, my neighborhood was so wild, when the kids played hopscotch they used real scotch.
Tim: You know, trying to cheer me up is getting kind of pathetic here, OK?
Rodney Dangerfield: [enters] Hey, Jill, I forgot to give you my phone number in L.A., you know. If you get to L.A., bring the whole family. We'll have a barbecue, OK?
Jill: Thanks, Rodney.
Rodney Dangerfield: And you'll meet my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombach, you know. In fact, I saw him last week and asked him if my heart was strong enough for sex. He told me not if I join in.
Tim: Rodney Dangerfield, I'm Tim Taylor. I'm her husband.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah. You're the knucklehead who screwed up the lights, huh? [to Jill] If you get to L.A. just bring the kids, OK? [to Tim] You take it easy. I hope I run into you. When I'm driving!

Quote from Tim

Al: Great to have you on the show, Mr. Dangerfield.
Rodney Dangerfield: A pleasure to be here. Okay, what are we working on today, boys?
Tim: Well, we're gonna refinish this frame for a husky picture Al's got. Now, speaking of husky, I understand you were kind of a husky kid. How husky were you?
Rodney Dangerfield: I'm not here to do jokes. I'm here to help Al with a project.
Tim: Speaking of projects, I hear that you were pretty poor and lived in the projects. How poor were you?
Rodney Dangerfield: None of your business. Hey, what kind of wood are we using in this frame?
Al: Well, we'll be using distressed maple.
Tim: Wait a minute. Speaking of distressed, I understand your wife is kind of annoying. How annoying is she, Rodney?
Rodney Dangerfield: Not as annoying as you. How do you work with this guy, huh?
Al: It's tough. I gotta tell ya, I don't get any respect.
Rodney Dangerfield: You're talking to the original. 'Cause I don't get no respect at all. And I got no sex life. My wife cut me down to once a month. Though I'm lucky. Two guys I know she cut out completely.

Quote from Jill

Wilson: So, what are the holiday plans for the Taylors this year?
Jill: Well, my mom is gonna be with my sister in Texas. Tim's mom is gonna be with his brother, Jeff, so it's just the five of us. I thought maybe I'd get up early and try out some new recipes.
Wilson: Why new recipes?
Jill: Well, everybody hates my cooking so much, I thought I might as well make it interesting for me.

Quote from Wilson

Willow: Oh, hi. How's it going, Jill?
Jill: Hey, Willow. Oh, that's a great looking turkey.
Willow: Actually, it's 100 percent soybean. It's called a "soy-key".
Wilson: I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving. You know, it's the first time in years that the whole Wilson clan has all been together. Uncle Wilbur.
Willow: Aunt Willemina.
Wilson: Cousin Wilford.
Willow: Uncle Willard.
Wilson: Grandma Wilma.
Willow: And Bob.
Jill: Bob?
Wilson: He's the black sheep.
Jill: Ah. Well, every family has to have a troublemaker.
Wilson: No, no, no. Bob is a very nice sheep. He just gets cranky at shearing time.

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