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‘Thanksgiving’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Thanksgiving

709. Thanksgiving

Aired November 25, 1997

Tim and the family spend Thanksgiving in a V.I.P. box at the Silverdome. [Guest stars: Rodney Dangerfield, Tom Poston and Alex Rocco]

Quote from Tim

Ted: These are the transformers and all the breakers. I love spending time down here.
Tim: Who wouldn't? The place is so homey.
Ted: If you like this, wait till you see our control room. That's where we operate all of the Silverdome's lights and our 2,000 toilets.
Tim: Wait a minute. Two thousand toilets? Is there a button you can press to flush them all at once?
Ted: No, but I'll bring it up at the next board meeting. You're a thinker. I like that.

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Quote from Tim

Ted: Hello, Taylor family. Welcome to box 12. I'm Ted, your personal Silverdome liaison and I've got hats.
Jill: Oh, thank you. I'm Jill Taylor. And that's Randy, Mark and Brad and my husband, Tim Taylor.
Ted: Hey, it's "The Tool Man." [imitating Tim] "Oh! Oh!"
Tim: Good to meet you, Ted. Um, you look awful familiar. Have we met before?
Ted: No. Perhaps you've met one of my brothers. Ned or Fred?
Tim: Wait a minute. One brother works at the airport in Alpena. And the other brother at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, I've met them.
Ted: Yes. I hope they didn't give you any trouble. They've always been pretty ornery. One time they held me down and packed my nose with candy corn.
Jill: Kids can be so cruel.
Ted: This was last Christmas.
Ted: By the way, Tim, I've been authorized to give you a tour of the Silverdome's nerve center. Home of our state-of-the-art electrical and plumbing system.
Tim: Somebody pinch me!

Quote from Tim

Ted: Mr. Taylor? Are you ready to explore the bowels of the Silverdome?
Tim: Let me loose.
Jill: Tim, can I speak to you for a moment? He'll be right there. You cannot leave us alone with the Schmayman.
Tim: Jill, Jill, Jill. Thanksgiving is about compassion. It's about reaching out to others. It's about being there for other people. Gotta go.

Quote from Jill

Irv Schmayman: Boy, this takes me back. January, 1994, the earthquake hit and wiped out the power while Tina Turner was staying in my guest house.
Jill: So, let me guess. You went next door and borrowed a flashlight from David Bowie.
Irv Schmayman: You know, Jillsie, we Schmaymans are pretty perceptive people, and I am picking up a hint of sarcasm on my "Schmaydar."

Quote from Jill

Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, Schmayman. Hey. What can I tell you, huh?
Irv Schmayman: Hey, Rodney.
Rodney Dangerfield: I had a hard time finding you, you know. After they saw my face they turned off all the lights.
Irv Schmayman: Rodney starred in my Christmas special. I Don't Get No Respect: On Ice.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, and I'll tell you, it was cold. It was so cold, it was colder than my wife's handshake on our honeymoon.
Jill: [laughs] Hello.
Rodney Dangerfield: How do you do, baby.
Jill: I'm Jill Taylor. I can't believe it's Rodney Dangerfield. What are you doing in Detroit?
Rodney Dangerfield: I'm looking for plugs and points. [laughter] I was the Grand Marshal at the Great American Parade. And I tell you, if they made me the Grand Marshal, how great can America be, you know?

Quote from Jill

Mark: Mom? Who's Rodney Dangerfield?
Jill: Honey, he's a famous comic. He's hilarious.
Rodney Dangerfield: Hey, what's with the black outfit? I mean, devil worshipers are in box 666.
Randy: You are good.
Rodney Dangerfield: [chuckles] Thanks, shorty. You know, when I was a kid, I was short myself. I was so short I had to blow my nose through my fly. [laughter]
Jill: Are you this funny at home?
Rodney Dangerfield: Not since my wife's mother moved in. What a barracuda.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Hey, I'm sorry I wrecked your Thanksgiving, OK.
Jill: No! Are you kidding? It was great. It was the best Thanksgiving ever. We got to hang out with Rodney Dangerfield. [imitating Rodney] It was wild. It was like my neighborhood. You know, my neighborhood was so wild, when the kids played hopscotch they used real scotch.
Tim: You know, trying to cheer me up is getting kind of pathetic here, OK?
Rodney Dangerfield: [enters] Hey, Jill, I forgot to give you my phone number in L.A., you know. If you get to L.A., bring the whole family. We'll have a barbecue, OK?
Jill: Thanks, Rodney.
Rodney Dangerfield: And you'll meet my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombach, you know. In fact, I saw him last week and asked him if my heart was strong enough for sex. He told me not if I join in.
Tim: Rodney Dangerfield, I'm Tim Taylor. I'm her husband.
Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, yeah. You're the knucklehead who screwed up the lights, huh? [to Jill] If you get to L.A. just bring the kids, OK? [to Tim] You take it easy. I hope I run into you. When I'm driving!

Quote from Tim

Al: Great to have you on the show, Mr. Dangerfield.
Rodney Dangerfield: A pleasure to be here. Okay, what are we working on today, boys?
Tim: Well, we're gonna refinish this frame for a husky picture Al's got. Now, speaking of husky, I understand you were kind of a husky kid. How husky were you?
Rodney Dangerfield: I'm not here to do jokes. I'm here to help Al with a project.
Tim: Speaking of projects, I hear that you were pretty poor and lived in the projects. How poor were you?
Rodney Dangerfield: None of your business. Hey, what kind of wood are we using in this frame?
Al: Well, we'll be using distressed maple.
Tim: Wait a minute. Speaking of distressed, I understand your wife is kind of annoying. How annoying is she, Rodney?
Rodney Dangerfield: Not as annoying as you. How do you work with this guy, huh?
Al: It's tough. I gotta tell ya, I don't get any respect.
Rodney Dangerfield: You're talking to the original. 'Cause I don't get no respect at all. And I got no sex life. My wife cut me down to once a month. Though I'm lucky. Two guys I know she cut out completely.

Quote from Jill

Wilson: So, what are the holiday plans for the Taylors this year?
Jill: Well, my mom is gonna be with my sister in Texas. Tim's mom is gonna be with his brother, Jeff, so it's just the five of us. I thought maybe I'd get up early and try out some new recipes.
Wilson: Why new recipes?
Jill: Well, everybody hates my cooking so much, I thought I might as well make it interesting for me.

Quote from Wilson

Willow: Oh, hi. How's it going, Jill?
Jill: Hey, Willow. Oh, that's a great looking turkey.
Willow: Actually, it's 100 percent soybean. It's called a "soy-key".
Wilson: I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving. You know, it's the first time in years that the whole Wilson clan has all been together. Uncle Wilbur.
Willow: Aunt Willemina.
Wilson: Cousin Wilford.
Willow: Uncle Willard.
Wilson: Grandma Wilma.
Willow: And Bob.
Jill: Bob?
Wilson: He's the black sheep.
Jill: Ah. Well, every family has to have a troublemaker.
Wilson: No, no, no. Bob is a very nice sheep. He just gets cranky at shearing time.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well! I guess that finishes up our cooking portion of our salute to a man's Thanksgiving. A point to ponder: when you baste the turkey in cognac, you want to keep the bird away from the open flame.
Al: Otherwise your Butterball will become a fireball.
Tim: Pretty obvious, isn't it? [chuckles] Now it's time to look at some of the things we men should be thankful for. And this, of course, would be number one: women. Our mothers, our co-workers, our family members, our sisters. They deserve a lot of appreciation.
Heidi: Wow. Thank you, Tim.
Tim: You're welcome. Now, get lost. It's a man's segment.

Quote from Tim

Tim: OK, Al. Well, you're sort of a man. What are you thankful for?
Al: Well, Tim, I'm thankful for the tool I carry with me always.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Al! It's a family show!
Al: I'm talking about my Swiss Army knife. I would feel naked without it.
Tim: Ew.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Wilson, I thought that you and Willow were going to Ann Arbor for Thanksgiving.
Wilson: Well, we're gonna leave as soon as I finish making my feng shui home protection tool.
Jill: How does that work?
Wilson: Well, Jill, the horizontal flute is the guardian of hopes and desires. And the two angled flutes radiate peace throughout the house and the universe.
Jill: What do the red tassels do?
Wilson: They scare away squirrels.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Would you look at all this food? Do you know how many needy families it could have fed on Thanksgiving? Ooh. Crab puffs.

Quote from Tim

Irv Schmayman: Sorry I'm late. I ran into Harry Belafonte at the V.I.P. elevator. What a chatterbox.
Tim: I'm sorry. You would be?
Irv Schmayman: Irv Schmayman. Major television producer. And you are?
Tim: Tim Taylor, major television star.
Irv Schmayman: Taylor.
Tim: Yeah.
Irv Schmayman: Never heard of you.
Tim: Well, Mr. Schmayman, maybe you have the wrong booth.
Irv Schmayman: Box 12. The Lions front office set me up.
Jill: Tim, didn't you say this booth was just gonna be for our family?
Irv Schmayman: Hey, we are all in the entertainment family. All part of the business I like to call, "Show."
Tim: Well, Irv, this is my wife, Jill and these are my boys, Randy, Brad and Mark.
Irv Schmayman: Irv Schmayman. Hollywood legend. Here's my card. Pass it around, kid.
Jill: Well, so much for our family Thanksgiving.
Tim: Honey, it's just one Schmayman.

Quote from Brad

Irv Schmayman: Girls? These are my personal assistants, Jenny and Cindy. They're going to be joining us for Thanksgiving.
Brad: Now I've got something to be thankful for.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, Lions won!
Jill: The game just started.
Tim: No, they won the coin toss.
Irv Schmayman: You know, the holiday season always reminds me of my Helen Reddy special, Reddy or Not, It's Christmas. It was a ratings volcano.
Tim: Are you guys gonna watch the game or chat?
Irv Schmayman: Whoa, relax, Timski. I've got friends at the network. I'll get you a tape.

Quote from Jill

Irv Schmayman: So, finally, I tell the network, "Hey, look, you've got a great idea. But the show needs a twist. You want funny? Make the nun fly."
Jill: If your father doesn't get back soon I'm gonna have to kill him.
Randy: Dad or Schmayman?
Jill: Whoever's closest.

Quote from Jill

Irv Schmayman: I've been so blessed. I have this superhuman feel for what's funny. Pants are funny. Pork is funny. Fish are funny.
Jill: I think I might vomit.
Irv Schmayman: Vomit, big funny.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Ted, I can't thank you enough.
Ted: If I can put a smile on "The Tool Man's" face, my dream has come true.
Tim: Ha, ha. You really mean that?
Ted: No, I'm just being a good host. Before you go back to your family, I have one more surprise for you.
Tim: I don't think my heart can take it. Let me guess. An autographed copy of the building permit.
Ted: Hey, I'm a liaison. I'm not God. Smile, "Tool Man". You're on Jumbo Vision.

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