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‘A Marked Man’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: A Marked Man

425. A Marked Man

Aired May 9, 1995

After Tim and the boys visit Harry's hardware store, Al notices that a Swiss army knife they were admiring is missing.

Quote from Al

Al: You know, this was not easy for me to bring up. And I turned that store upside down looking for that darn thing and the fact is it was there when you guys came in and when you left... it was gone.
Tim: Well, I know kids steal things, but my boys steal from you and Harry? Come on.
Al: Things like that happen. Let me tell you a story about my uncle's grocery store. I was holding my mother's hand...
Tim: And this was yesterday?
Al: I was seven years old. And she went off to look for the children's appetite suppressant... And... on the shelf there was a cookie. And I stole it and I ate it.
Tim: OK, so you're saying you think one of my kids ate that knife?

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: You how l look at it, the stronger the punishment, the less likelihood is the kid will ever do it again.
Wilson: Well, Tim, many people subscribe to that theory, but I'm reminded of the great Nietzsche.
Tim: Wow. What a linebacker. Green Bay Packers.
Wilson: No. No, no, no, no. Not Ray Nitschke. I'm talking about Friedrich Nietzsche, the philosopher.
Tim: Sure. Freddy. Yeah.
Wilson: Yes. Nietzsche said that punishment often increases the feelings of estrangement and strengthens the power of resistance.
Tim: I think what influenced me more was Fisk.
Wilson: Oh, I didn't know you were a fan of John Fiske, the English historian.
Tim: I'm not. I'm talking about Carlton Fisk, the White Sox catcher. He said if you get caught stealing, throw him out.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I hate when you do this. The kids do something, you overreact...
Tim: No, you underreact.
Jill: I do not underreact. You go overboard.
Tim: Then you go underboard.
Jill: There's no such word as underboard.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Honey, I want to talk to you. Look... What you did was wrong. But your father came down on you kind of hard and I thought you might be upset.
Mark: I'm not upset.
Jill: Well, I'd be upset if somebody yelled at me like that. You know, my dad used to yell at me like that. He was an army colonel. He was trained to yell so you could hear him from one end of the base to the other. [Randy bounces his basketball] Randy, can you leave us alone for a few minutes?
Randy: But it's my room.
Jill: I'm trying to tell Mark a story from when I was a little girl.
Randy: I'm outta here.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Brad, you've always wanted one of these things.
Brad: Yeah. So has Randy. If somebody took it, it was probably him.
Randy: Yeah, right. You're the thief. You're the one who took Dad's hot rod magazine with the babes on the cover.
Tim: What? The Bevy Of Beauties From Chevy? You got that issue?
Brad: Well, Randy took Mom's Victoria's Secret catalog.
Tim: That's mine too.

Quote from Jill

Jill: And since when are you the only one that makes decisions around here? I thought that we were in this parenting thing together.
Tim: Well, somebody had to deal out punishment and it certainly wasn't gonna be you.
Jill: Oh, I see. I see. So you deal out the punishment and then I'm the one who has to stay and enforce it?
Tim: You wanna work together? That's your part.
Jill: That's one of the stupidest things you've said.
Tim: So what am I supposed to do? Quit work, stay home and enforce his grounding?
Jill: No, I just want you to think about what you say before you say it. And if it's not the right thing to say, then don't say it at all.
Tim: Could you say that again?

Quote from Harry

Al: So even though it was only one cookie that I stole, the point is I, too, succumbed to temptation. You understand, Mark?
Mark: I think so, but what's an appetite suppressant?
Harry: Something his mother obviously never found.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I can tune out any woman, any time, as long as I'm watching sports. My wife can be yelling right in my ear. I can watch sports... I can come out with the scores, everything.
Al: Would you like to prove that?
Tim: Sure.
Al: We'll bring out the sports channel, see if he can tune out Deb.
Tim: What do you think about that challenge, huh?
Audience: Yeah!
Tim: Heidi, bring out the TV.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Al: There you go, Tim. PGA golf.
Deb Selby: [shouts] Timmy! Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! Timmy! Here, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy! Timmy! Here, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy!
Al: All right, Tim. Well, what did the announcer say?
Tim: What?
Al: The announcer - what did he say?
Deb Selby: This always happens to Steve. He gets a ringing in his ears.
Tim: You're not singing in my rear.

Quote from Harry

Al: 94, 95, 196 galvanized nails.
Harry: Al, who cares how many nails we got?
Al: To run an efficient business, you should have an accurate inventory. [empties bucket of nails] When was the last time you counted everything in this store?
Harry: Oh, let's see. Including yesterday... never.
Al: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
Tim: 13, 12...
Al: Don't.
Harry: 28, 105, 40.

Quote from Tim

Harry: So what can I do for you today, Tim?
Tim: What?
Harry: You still having trouble with your hearing?
Tim: Herring? I hate fish. When did you start selling fish? Ugh.

Quote from Tim

Brad: The doctor said his hearing will come back any day.
Randy: Yeah, we came here to get a hacksaw blade.
Harry: Oh. Aisle three.
Tim: What?
Randy: Aisle three.
Tim: So go pee.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Harry, I'll just take this one. Gotta run - gotta get the boys to soccer practice.
Harry: OK, I'll put it on your tab.
Tim: I don't need a cab. I got a car right out front.
Harry: And I'm gonna charge you double.
Tim: [chuckles] You're right. Al does look like Barney Rubble.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [imitates Deb] Albert! Albert, Albert, Albert, Albert!
Al: What? What's the matter?
Tim: Nothing. I was just practicing for next year's sidekick-calling contest.

Quote from Tim

Al: Uh, actually, Tim, there's something I need to talk to you about. It's about yesterday. After you left the hardware store, I noticed a little something was missing.
Tim: Thank you, Al. I do kind of light up a hardware store, don't I?
Al: I... Actually, you know that Swiss army knife your boys were admiring?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: It's gone.
Tim: You're not suggesting one of my boys stole it, are you?
Al: No. But knives don't just get up and walk off on their own.
Tim: Well, maybe Harry stole it.
Al: Why would Harry steal a pocketknife from his own store?
Tim: To collect the insurance.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Hi, sweetie. How was your day?
Tim: Where are the boys?
Jill: Outside. [Tim goes outside] And how was my day? It was great. I went to school. It was real interesting.
Tim: [o.s.] I can't see them.
Jill: ... I came home. I washed the floor. I did the laundry. I had an affair.
Tim: Who are you talking to?
Jill: Evidently myself.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Al thinks one of the boys might have stolen a knife from the hardware store.
Jill: Why would they steal a knife?
Tim: Not a knife. A Swiss army knife. This is the reason the Swiss army is the force they are today. It's got a magnifying glass, a corkscrew, a toothpick.
Jill: In case they get attacked by wine stewards with spinach in their teeth?

Quote from Randy

Brad: Yo, Dad, what's going on?
Tim: Settle up for a minute. Um... Al couldn't find that Swiss army knife. Do you have any idea who might have taken it?
Randy: You know, maybe Harry took it. To collect the insurance money.
Tim: Where do you come up with these ideas?

Quote from Jill

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: Dusting.
Jill: In a drawer?
Tim: Very dusty in here. Look at this.
Jill: You are searching their rooms. I'm not gonna stand by and let you do that. That is an invasion of the boys' privacy. My mother used to do that to me when I was growing up. I really, really, really hated it. The way she did it was so sneaky too.
Tim: What did she do? Maybe there's something she did we could use.
Jill: No. It was really stupid. I'd catch her looking in my desk drawer and she'd pretend that she was putting my underwear away. No, if I start searching their rooms, I might as well turn right into my mother.
Tim: [groans] Don't even joke about that.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Hey, hey. Not so fast. Come on, talk to me.
Mark: I don't want to talk.
Jill: Well, OK. OK, then I'll just sit here with you. I could tell you about the time that my father yelled at me 'cause I was trying to sneak out of the house in a skirt that he thought was too short. It was way longer than any of the skirts my friends were wearing, except of course, for Darlene Mayberry, but she had... [Mark puts his head under a pillow] really chubby knees.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: [chanting in Japanese]
Tim: Wilson. Wilson, could you stop singing and talk to me for a second?
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, neighbor. Happy Tako Age.
Tim: Happy Yokohama to you. What's with the kite?
Wilson: Well, today is the Japanese festival of Tako Age, which means "big kite-flying day." See, according to legend, a master of a 16th century Japanese castle flew a kite in order to celebrate the birth of his son.
Tim: Yeah? What did he do when his son committed his first crime?
Wilson: Pardon?
Tim: I'm not gonna pardon him.
Wilson: What in the world are you talking about?

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