Home Improvement Quote of the Day

Friday, June 9, 2023

Quote from Jill in Unchained Malady

Jill: Honey, I was just making this list, and, you know, I don't think that all this bad luck is just because of that chain letter.
Tim: You don't, do you?
Jill: No, listen to this. In the last month, you have done the following. Backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe into the floor, and glued your head to a table.
Tim: What's your point?
Jill: Well, the point is, it's not the chain letter that's bringing you bad luck. It's you. You're a klutz. Isn't that great?
Tim: Honey, I'm thrilled.


Recent Quotes

Thursday, June 8, 2023

Quote from Al in Nothing More Than Feelings

Tim: Hey, that's a nice-looking shirt. Is it brand-new? [title: "Sorry I made you cry"]
Al: No, it's an old one. [title: "Tim must be feeling guilty"]
Tim: Well, it looks really good on you. [title: "I apologize"]
Al: Thanks. [title: "Thanks"]
Tim: Hey, maybe some girl will see you in that shirt and want to marry you. [title: "Fat chance"]
Al: Thanks, Tim. I appreciate that. [title: "I can't wait until I get my own show"]

Wednesday, June 7, 2023

Quote from Wilson in Love is a Many Splintered Thing

Wilson: Tim, I believe it was André Maurois who said that a successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
Tim: And I like rebuilding, boy. Hammer, hammer, yeah, saw, hammer.
Wilson: That's because you have an edifice complex. [laughs] Oh, my gosh, I do crack myself up sometimes. But I think what Maurois was trying to say is that there is a deep chasm between man and woman, and every day we must build a bridge and cross over to the other side.
Tim: Wouldn't that put Jill on my side and me on her side?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. In a successful marriage, man and woman will meet in the middle.

Tuesday, June 6, 2023

Quote from Jill in Be True to Your Tool

Jill: Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late. What a day! The computers all went down at work, and then I had a library fundraiser meeting, and I got this headache - I thought my head was going to explode.
Brad: Mom, we're completely out of food.
Jill: Thank you for caring. You father and I just went to the grocery store two days ago. How can there be no food? [looks in the fridge] There's no food! Gosh! You guys are just like piranhas in blue jeans. OK, um, I'll order a pizza for tonight. Tomorrow I'll go to the grocery store.
Brad: Well, can you make sure the food is here by the time we get home from school?
Jill: Why don't I just meet you at the bus stop and I can serve you as you get off.
Randy: You're always thinking, Mom.

Monday, June 5, 2023

Quote from Tim in Don't Tell Momma

Tim: Look, look, this could've happened to anybody.
Jill: Yeah, anybody who parked under a crane. And what kind of a crane operator drops a three-ton beam anyway? You know, we should just sue that jerk for all he's worth.
Tim: Oh, we don't wanna do that.
Jill: Why not?
Tim: You married him.
Jill: Oh, no. You did this? You mean we've gotta pay for this?
Tim: I'm sure we got some beam-droppage thing in our insurance.

Sunday, June 4, 2023

Quote from Tim in Thanks, but No Thanks

Tim: Ah, but it must be great spending the night with all these tools, huh? Waking up with the fresh smell of solvents. A rack of ball cocks. But why dream, you know? Jill's never gonna toss me out.

Saturday, June 3, 2023

Quote from Jill in Feud for Thought

Tim: What you got in this thing?
Jill: Clothes.
Tim: We're only going to DC for two days.
Jill: And two nights. That's four outfits. And they said it might snow.
Tim: So what did you do, pack a snow shovel and a plow?
Jill: No. A parka and boots. I'm not gonna walk in the slush in my high heels.
Tim: What you got in there?
Jill: My essentials. The makeup, the night cream, the day cream, the concealer, the cotton balls, magnifying mirror...
Tim: Why don't you just airmail the whole bathroom... Oh!
Jill: I wish I could.

Upcoming Quotes

Saturday, June 10, 2023

A quote from Jill in the episode Where There's a Will, There's a Way.

Sunday, June 11, 2023

A quote from Al in the episode Insult to Injury.

Monday, June 12, 2023

A quote from Tim in the episode The Look.

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

A quote from Jill in the episode The Write Stuff.

Wednesday, June 14, 2023

A quote from Wilson in the episode Quibbling Siblings.