Home Improvement Quote of the Day

Saturday, August 13, 2022

Quote from Delores in When Harry Kept Delores

Delores: Well, maybe when my shift is over, I'll go talk to him.
Tim: Well... why don't you go now? I'll cover for you.
Delores: Yeah?
Tim: Yeah.
Delores: Well, thanks. I mean, there's nothing to it. You just pick up the orders and give them to the customers.
Tim: OK.
Delores: Oh, and make sure to smile. People don't like a sourpuss.

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Recent Quotes

Friday, August 12, 2022

Quote from Jill in The Vasectomy One

Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said that Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in manland?
Jill: Manland? Now you got a theme park between your legs?

Thursday, August 11, 2022

Quote from Al in The Kiss and the Kiss Off

Lisa: Hey. Big news. You're looking at Detroit Memorial's newest paramedic.
Al: Congratulations!
Lisa: Thank you!
Al: Boy, it didn't take you long to find a job!
Lisa: Well, they said three years working with Tim was like ten years' experience in emergency.
Al: Ain't that the truth?

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Quote from Wilson in Room at the Top

Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, neighbor. So, how's Jill's office coming?
Tim: Come and gone. She backed out right after she saw her shrink.
Wilson: Whoa. So you were destroyed by Freud.
Tim: I guess you could say that. Yeah.
Wilson: Hung by Jung.
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Brought to a halt by Gestalt.

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

Quote from Jill in Tim 'The Landlord' Taylor

Jill: You know, I've done similar things to him for different reasons.
Al: You have?
Jill: There was this one time, I was really overwhelmed with schoolwork. And he kept pestering me about remodeling a bathroom or something. So, I snuck out to the garage and I... I squirted some motor oil under the engine of his Mustang. It kept him out of my hair for days.
Al: That's brilliant!
Jill: This other time, I painted chicken pox on Mark's face so I wouldn't have to go to a tractor pull.
Al: Oh, this is a side of you I never knew existed!
Jill: Yeah. I'm devious.

Monday, August 8, 2022

Quote from Tim in Totally Tool Time

Jill: If the show's a big hit in Europe, does that mean we finally get to go there?
Tim: Yeah! We can go to England and visit the Aston Martin factory. Italy, the Ferrari plant. A romantic weekend in Stuttgart at the Porsche factory.
Jill: That's about as romantic as touring a sausage factory.
Tim: We can do that too. On the way home, we'll swing by Poland.

Sunday, August 7, 2022

Quote from Al in This Joke's for You

Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Tim: Al.
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.

Upcoming Quotes

Sunday, August 14, 2022

A quote from Wilson in the episode My Dinner with Wilson.

Monday, August 15, 2022

A quote from Tim in the episode A Taylor Runs Through It.

Tuesday, August 16, 2022

A quote from Jill in the episode Engine and a Haircut, Two Fights.

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

A quote from Wilson in the episode Tim's First Car.

Thursday, August 18, 2022

A quote from Al in the episode Tim's First Car.