Home Improvement Quote of the Day

Friday, April 12, 2024

Quote from Tim in A House Divided

Brad: Why did his house have to blow up?
Randy: Ask Mr. Claphappy. [claps]
Tim: I didn't blow up the house.
Jill: Tim, you gotta find him a place to stay.
Tim: I've tried to find him a place to stay. Harry won't take him. He laughed and hung up. I even called some sisters, they hung up on me.
Jill: His own sisters won't take him in?
Tim: No, no, no. I'm talking about the sisters at the Perpetual Mercy Mission.

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Recent Quotes

Thursday, April 11, 2024

Quote from Al in Dollars and Sense

Al: Working on the high steel takes courage and intestinal fortitude, a lot like working with Tim.
Tim: That's right, A... That's right, Al.

Wednesday, April 10, 2024

Quote from Wilson in A Frozen Moment

Tim: Wilson, I break a lot of things around here because I think big. I get these visions, I have to carry them out. OK?
Wilson: Oh, so you think of yourself as a visionary, like Socrates or Marco Polo.
Tim: [grunts] But Jill thinks I got double vision.
Wilson: Well, to paraphrase Seneca, the Roman moralist, there is a fine line between genius and madness.
Tim: Do you think I've stepped over that line?
Wilson: Tim, why don't you ask me that question when you're not wearing that Mountie uniform?

Tuesday, April 9, 2024

Quote from Jill in What You See is What You Get

Tim: Fuses in, wired up. I'm gonna try the horn. Cover your ears, Mark. [lights go on]
Mark: Aah! Dad, the horn is blinding me!
Tim: Just a crossed wire, son.
Jill: That's what it's gonna say on your tombstone - "It was just a crossed wire."

Monday, April 8, 2024

Quote from Tim in Believe It or Not

[dream sequence:]
Tim: [hits head on pipe] Oh! Hold up, Jilly. I can't explain it, but I sense the presence of an alien.
Jill: Taylor, have you noticed these aliens seem to eschew well-lit, ventilated housing?
Tim: They what?
Jill: Eschew. Eschew.
Tim: Gesundheit. Right there. Right there. Right there.
Jill: What is it?
Tim: It's the alien we've been looking for all our lives.
Jill: How can we be sure it's not human?
Tim: It's too small. Notice the delicate, hairless features.
Jill: Oh, my God!
[reality:]
Tim: [yells]
Randy: [wakes up, yells]
Tim: Put a shirt on!

Sunday, April 7, 2024

Quote from Mark in The Look

Mark: My contact lens has to be around here somewhere.
Brad: Way to go, Mark. The contact has spent more time on the floor than it has in your eyes.
Tim: Anybody home? Hey, guys.
Boys: Hey, Dad.
Tim: Well... I don't care what you're playing, but I'm in. [drops to the floor]
Randy: It's called "Looking for Mark's Contact."
Tim: How do you play?
Randy: You look for Mark's contact.
Tim: OK. Whose turn?
Brad: OK, Dad. It's yours. OK, one, two three... go!
Mark: Wait, I found it! It was in my eye the whole time.
Tim: Well, if you're gonna cheat...

Saturday, April 6, 2024

Quote from Jill in This Joke's for You

Tim: Does Randy seem different to you lately?
Jill: What do you mean?
Tim: Well, he was making fun of me in front of Jeremy. What kind of guy makes jokes at other people's expense?
Jill: I don't know. Maybe we should ask Al.

Upcoming Quotes

Saturday, April 13, 2024

A quote from Randy in the episode Some Like It Hot Rod.

Sunday, April 14, 2024

A quote from Tim in the episode Pilot.

Monday, April 15, 2024

A quote from Tim in the episode Communication Breakdown.

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

A quote from Jill in the episode Nothing More Than Feelings.

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

A quote from Wilson in the episode Mr. Wilson's Opus.