Home Improvement Quote of the Day
Saturday, August 13, 2022
Delores: Well, maybe when my shift is over, I'll go talk to him.
Tim: Well... why don't you go now? I'll cover for you.
Delores: Well, thanks. I mean, there's nothing to it. You just pick up the orders and give them to the customers.
Delores: Oh, and make sure to smile. People don't like a sourpuss.
Friday, August 12, 2022
Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said that Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in manland?
Jill: Manland? Now you got a theme park between your legs?
Thursday, August 11, 2022
Lisa: Hey. Big news. You're looking at Detroit Memorial's newest paramedic.
Lisa: Thank you!
Al: Boy, it didn't take you long to find a job!
Lisa: Well, they said three years working with Tim was like ten years' experience in emergency.
Al: Ain't that the truth?
Wednesday, August 10, 2022
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, neighbor. So, how's Jill's office coming?
Tim: Come and gone. She backed out right after she saw her shrink.
Wilson: Whoa. So you were destroyed by Freud.
Tim: I guess you could say that. Yeah.
Wilson: Hung by Jung.
Wilson: Brought to a halt by Gestalt.
Tuesday, August 9, 2022
Jill: You know, I've done similar things to him for different reasons.
Al: You have?
Jill: There was this one time, I was really overwhelmed with schoolwork. And he kept pestering me about remodeling a bathroom or something. So, I snuck out to the garage and I... I squirted some motor oil under the engine of his Mustang. It kept him out of my hair for days.
Al: That's brilliant!
Jill: This other time, I painted chicken pox on Mark's face so I wouldn't have to go to a tractor pull.
Al: Oh, this is a side of you I never knew existed!
Jill: Yeah. I'm devious.
Monday, August 8, 2022
Jill: If the show's a big hit in Europe, does that mean we finally get to go there?
Tim: Yeah! We can go to England and visit the Aston Martin factory. Italy, the Ferrari plant. A romantic weekend in Stuttgart at the Porsche factory.
Jill: That's about as romantic as touring a sausage factory.
Tim: We can do that too. On the way home, we'll swing by Poland.
Sunday, August 7, 2022
Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
Sunday, August 14, 2022
Monday, August 15, 2022
Tuesday, August 16, 2022
Wednesday, August 17, 2022
Thursday, August 18, 2022