Benny: Hey, everybody!
Tim: Benny, what are you doing here?
Benny: I heard you were having a party for Jill. How come I wasn't invited?
Tim: Well... I didn't want you to feel obligated to bring her a present.
Benny: You know me. I never feel obligated.

Tim: I was just telling him about that survey how you thought we should make love five nights a week.
Jill: I never said that.
Tim: You said we should be like those couples.
Jill: All I said was that I'd like it if it was more than once a month.
Al: Ilene and I are once-a-weekers. [looks at watch] And tonight's the night. [runs out]

Wilson: I had been living with the Mara Masai tribe for six months. But I had been unable to engage their aged chief in conversation. I had all but given up hope, until suddenly I was summoned to his death bed, where he whispered in my ear the words I'll never forget. [speaks foreign language] Which, roughly translated, meant "Hidy-ho, neighbor."
Jill: So that's where he got it.
Wilson: And then we did the dance of death because the chief had died. [chanting in foreign language]
Tim: I think we know what killed him.

Jill: If you're so worried about this, why don't you just go outside and talk to Wilson?
Tim: I tried to talk to him at work and he just ran off the set.
Jill: Well, you know, it's Wilson's property. Ultimately, if he wants to build this thing, I don't think there's much you can do about it.
Tim: Oh, really? I tell you one thing, when I jumpstart this brain, I can do anything.
Jill: So 100 years from now, Wilson's got trouble.

Tim: While Al cleans up his little mess, let me tell you about next week's show.
Al: My little mess?
Tim: Al, I think we both learned an important lesson today. Never slam the casement window shut until your coworker has completely removed his head.

Wilson: Jill, everybody picks up certain negative characteristics from their parents.
Jill: Yeah, well, I knew I picked up negative characteristics from my mother. I didn't know I'd gotten them from my father, too. That hardly seems fair.
Wilson: Right there. See, now, by identifying them, you make the first step to overcoming them. You know, it took me years of hard work to get rid of my father's annoying traits.
Jill: Really? What was he like?
Wilson: Odd man. Kept to himself. Never really let people see the whole person.

Wilson: I was just on my way over there to wish you and Jill a happy Terminalia Day.
Tim: Happy Terminalia Day?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Tim: What's this one all about?
Wilson: Ah, Terminalia Day. Well, this is a Roman festival where neighbors bond with each other in order to promote the spirit of community.
Tim: Wonderful. How do they do that?
Wilson: Well, traditionally, they slaughter a suckling pig and then they splatter their fences with its blood.
Tim: Well, I've slaughtered a marriage this week. Bring on the pig!