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‘Karate or Not, Here I Come’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Karate or Not, Here I Come

219. Karate or Not, Here I Come

Aired February 24, 1993

When Tim and Jill sign Mark up for a karate class so he can grow in self-confidence, its the parents who need self-defense lessons.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. 'Course, you all know my assistant, Al "I live for Bingo" Borland. Here on Tool Time, we've showed you many different ways to cut wood, but nothing as fun as today. Al, if we were gonna cut that piece of pine, what would you select?
Al: Well, Tim, I'd probably use the Binford 2,200 Circular Saw.
Tim: Mm, good choice. Ooh, but what if we had blown a fuse?
Al: I see, we're at your house.

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Quote from Al

Al: Mr. Cho is here to publicize the karate demonstration this Tuesday night at the Fox Theater to benefit the Children's Hospital.
Tim: That's right. Karate. Boy, there's a sport with more power. [grunts]
Robert Cho: That's right, Tim. But the secret is to channel that power through focus and concentration.
Tim: Yeah. Two things I excel at.
Al: Well, that and driving yourself to the hospital while bleeding.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Why are you all so fascinated with fighting? I don't want anybody to beat anybody up. What is wrong with you people? You make me sick. I just want you to love each other, you big bunch of jerks!

Quote from Jill

Daphne: Hey, if stick boy can't take it, get him out of here.
Jill: He did it again! Hey, come on. Tell your kid to stop playing dirty.
Daphne: Listen, they are just having fun. Artie is not gonna hurt stick boy.
Jill: Would you stop calling my kid "stick boy"?
Daphne: Then feed him something. Face it, lady. Your kid's a weenie. Artie just gave him a little tap.
Jill: Well, how would you like it if somebody gave you a little tap, huh? [slaps her face] Is that fun?
Daphne: Don't touch me, lady.
Jill: Hey, don't shove me.
Daphne: Get out of my face.
Jill: Why don't you tell that to your breakfast doughnut?
Tim: Hey, hey, honey. Stop it!
Daphne: Hyah! [swings her purse and hits Tim]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Actually, camouflage has many applications, even around the house. Lisa, bring that out, please. Let's take wallpaper. Wallpaper can be used to decorate a wall or disguise an unsightly wall switch. Now see, can you find the switch here, Al?
Al: Well, they're usually... They're usually right along the...
Tim: Not as easy as it looks, is it, Al? That's camouflage for you. Woop!
[Tim presses a switch and the studio lights dim. He presses the switch again to revert the lights.]
Al: This is ridiculous, Tim. I don't want to be a part of this anymore.
[As Al walks over to the work bench, Lisa and Tim turn the wall around to reveal a wallpaper pattern of green flannel on top, a tool belt strip in the middle, and blue denim at the bottom]
Tim: I'm sorry, Al. Just trying to make a point. Here, put these away for me, will you? Come on. Put 'em... Just grab them, Al. Grab the darn things, Al. [Al walks in front of the wall] Al? Hey, Al, where'd you go? Al! Al!

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the Greek historian Herodotus said: "Where wisdom is called for, force is of little use."
Tim: Of course wisdom is the best way to go. But when a fat kid is slapping you around, you don't have time to be thinking about reciting the state capitals alphabetically.
Wilson: Well, that's interesting. Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta...
Tim: Wilson. Wilson!
Wilson: Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge...
Tim: You got a minute?
Wilson: Oh, I'm sorry, neighbor.
Tim: Do you think it's a bad idea to teach the kid karate?
Wilson: You just have to remember that when you give a boy a weapon like karate, that he's mature enough to know when to use it.
Tim: Yeah, he is a little kid, isn't he?
Wilson: Mm-hm.
Tim: Have a good day.
Wilson: Mm-hm. Bismarck, Boise, Boston, Carson City... Charleston! Cheyenne, Columbia...

Quote from Jill

Jill: Your father and I were just talking and, uh... We think that since Brad and Randy won't ever let you play with them, that you should take some kind of class where everyone gets to participate. So, what do you think?
Do you want to take gymnastics, or... [sighs] karate?
Mark: I can take karate?
Tim: All right.
Jill: Before you decide... Before you decide... do you remember when we watched the Olympics and we saw those handsome American gymnasts get their gold medals?
Tim: Jill...
Jill: Shut up! They were standing, remember, on that podium, so proud. And the American flag was raised, and "The Star-Spangled Banner" was playing, and America wept.
Tim: Please!
Jill: Remember that? That could be you. That could be you. Mark Taylor, gymnast, representing the entire United States of America.
Tim: When does he get his Congressional Medal of Honor?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You all right there?
Tim: I'm great. I got him in a karate class. We're out here to practice moves.
Wilson: Oh, yes, karate does build up the stamina.
Tim: Yeah. Jill thinks I have him taking the karate class so it'll teach him how to fight.
Wilson: Oh, so Jill thinks you have a predilection for aggression.
Tim: Predilection?
Wilson: Let's just say proclivity.
Tim: Proclivity? What else you got?
Wilson: How about inclination?
Tim: Inclination, yeah. Well, that's what she thinks, anyway.

Quote from Tim

Robert Cho: Tim, Tim. I don't think that you should try this.
Tim: Hey, quiet.
Al: I think there's one thing that you should...
Tim: You've said enough.
Al: Well, you should know...
Tim: It's my show. I can do this. [inhales deeply] [hisses] [yells pseudo-Japanese] [bangs head]
Al: I was gonna say I have studied karate. Tim.
Tim: Buford Tools... Messages... We have them.
Al: We'll be right back.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Why don't you teach him something about football? Wouldn't that be a good idea? Like right now. I'll teach you guys how to go a long pass. [Brad and Randy run up the stairs] Go long, come on. Come on, in there. Swerve. Now, long! Go! Come on! Longer! Go long! Post pattern. Go! Go!
Brad: [o.s.] Dad, come on! I'm in the bathroom!
Tim: Well, shut the door and take a shower.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I think you're right about Mark. I think that he just has a self-confidence problem. We should find him something that he can be good at.
Tim: I got it. I got it. How about... [mumbles in pseudo-Japanese]
Jill: Flight attendant?
Tim: Karate.
Jill: No, no. Karate is too violent. What about gymnastics? That's a wonderful sport and he won't get hurt.
Tim: He won't get hurt? One slip on the pommel horse, boom.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Or you could take karate and, you know, probably lose some teeth.
Tim: Or slip on a pommel horse and squish your little...
Jill: Tim... don't try to influence him.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Hey, Dad. I heard a woman slugged you with her purse?
Randy: What happened, she wouldn't let you borrow her makeup?
Tim: Son, you want to say that one more time to me?
Randy: No.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And that's the proper way to repair a mortise and tenon joint. Good job, Al.
Al: Thank you, Tim.
Tim: Now, if we were building a coffin, would we have to build a rigor mortis and tenon joint?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Almost out of time, Al. Just enough time for "Camouflage Corner."
Al: "Camouflage Corner"?
Tim: Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
Al: No.
Tim: Must have been camouflaged. [chuckles] Normally when we think of camouflage, we think of military. Now this is your typical military soldier's tiger camouflage. Now here's that same soldier in a Costa Rican jungle. Where is he? Where is he? I can't even see him! He could be looking at me right now! I'm so scared!
Tim: Al, there's also applications in your yard. That tool shed of yours? A little unsightly out there in the backyard. All right. Now, here's a way to camouflage. [holds up a picture of a shed with novelty glasses and nose] You can hardly even tell it's there now.
Al: Think you've finally lost it, Tim.
Tim: I'm just joking around, Al.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: But you're not actually encouraging Mark to fight.
Tim: No. I just want him to be able to stand up for himself. If he gets in a bad situation, I'd like him to be able to kick butt in a major way. But every dad wants that, you know.
Wilson: Gandhi's dad didn't.
Tim: Well, maybe Gandhi was a major disappointment to his dad. Maybe Gandhi didn't eat because he wouldn't fight kids for his lunch money. How about that?
Wilson: Tim, are we talking about the same Gandhi?
Tim: Not unless he went to my elementary school. You see, when I was that age, if I couldn't wisecrack my way out of a situation, sometimes I'd run. And I'm thinking that karate would give Mark, you know, the ability to stand up for himself.

Quote from Tim

Mark: If Artie pushes me, I'm gonna give him a karate chop.
Tim: You're not ready to karate chop anybody yet. You don't know enough about karate. But you're learning. You're gonna know pretty soon.
Mark: Then I'll beat him up, I guess.
Tim: No, no, no, no, no. With guys like Artie, once they know that you have the skill to actually beat them up, you don't have to. Then you have the confidence to just stand there, and they walk away, you know? Karate does give you more power, but it's wisdom that teaches you when to use the power. That's according to Greek historian, Hippopotamus.
Mark: What are we gonna do in case he pushes me today?
Tim: Just wave those socks in front of him. Boy.
Mark: Dad, come on.
Tim: You got a fish in there?
Mark: Dad.
Tim: Recite the state capitals.
Mark: I don't know them.
Tim: Then walk away from it, OK?

Quote from Tim

Roy: Hey, Mike. What's up?
Mike: This guy here... What's your name?
Tim: Borland. Al Borland.
Mike: Al said if Artie touches stick boy, there's going to be big trouble.
Tim: Did I say it like that? With hostility like that? It didn't come out...
Roy: Wait a minute. My wife told me about you. You're married to that loudmouth.
Tim: Yeah, that's her.
Roy: I don't like anyone threatening my son.
Tim: Don't crowd me.
Roy: What are you gonna do about it?
Tim: Atlanta, Austin... Afghanistan...

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, then I'd use my trusty crosscut saw.
Tim: That's a good choice, but not today. Today, we have something special for you. And for that, we have to bring out a very special guest. And I expect a big Tool Time round of applause for Robert "the Human Hatchet" Cho! If you were to cut that piece of pine, would you want to use a circular saw for that?
Robert Cho: Won't be necessary, Tim.
Tim: Uh, hacksaw?
Robert Cho: No, no.
Tim: Coping saw?
[Robert yells as he head-butts the wood and snaps it in two]
Tim: Here's a man who doesn't worry about losing his house keys. Ha! I'm in!

Quote from Al

Tim: Are you saying I couldn't break that board with my head?
Al: Well, Tim, he says it takes focus and concentration. And I think we all know which one of us has that.
Tim: You think you can break this board with your head?
Al: Yes, I do.
Tim: Oh, really?
Robert Cho: I don't think it's such a good idea, Al. I...
Tim: My show here, OK? You're up to the challenge, right, Al?
Al: It's all right. [inhales deeply, yells as he head-butts the board]

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