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‘I Was a Teenage Taylor’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: I Was a Teenage Taylor

607. I Was a Teenage Taylor

Aired October 29, 1996

Tim and Jill try to get revenge on Brad and Randy after a spate of Halloween pranks.

Quote from Randy

Randy: All right. One candy bar for the spaceman. And seven for the cute little lion cub.

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Quote from Al

Brad: Now we gotta think of something just as good to get back at them.
Al: Well, you're Tim's sons. I'm sure you inherited the torture chromosome.

Quote from Al

Brad: How would you like to help us do this prank on our parents?
Al: Well, I wouldn't feel so bad about scaring your dad again, but no, I wouldn't feel right scaring your mom.
Randy: Really? Even after what she said about you?
Al: What did she say about me?
Randy: Oh, I believe she referred to your little Halloween party as "the marathon yawn-a-thon".
Al: Jill said that?
Randy: That's what I heard. What about you, Brad?
Brad: Yeah, I heard her say that. She also said your mom doesn't bob for apples. She bobs for ham hocks.
Al: I'm in!

Quote from Randy

Randy: Oh, ow!
Brad: All right, they look like real tears.
Randy: They are. You just poked me in the eye.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Nice crisp autumn afternoon. Thank you for being here. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al "Autumn Boy" Borland. [cheering] Well, continuing wall treatment week here on Tool Time, Al and I are doing our salute to wallpaper... [ripping sound] ...removal.
Al: How you get rid of your wallpaper depends on what kind you have. Now, strippable wallpaper is the easiest to remove.
Tim: Al's gonna strip now, so those of you with weaker stomachs look away.
Al: You simply pry up a corner and pull down in a... [a bloody head tears through the wall] Whoa!
Tim: Oh. By the way, Happy Halloween, Al.
Al: That was not funny.
Tim: Well, apparently the audience laughed for no reason.

Quote from Al

Tim: Now, there's other ways to remove wallpaper.
Al: That's right. Electrical steamers, chemical stripping solutions...
Tim: Or my favorite. Just tear the house down and start all over again.
Al: For the chemical method you use a simple garden sprayer and scoring tool. Tim, would you like to do the honors?
Tim: Yes, I would. OK. Right here you start. You want to score the wallpaper in a crisscross fashion. Like this. All right? Take your chemical sprayer, filled with stripping compound and soak the wallpaper. Like this... [straining] There's no pressure in there, Al.
Al: Yes, there is. I checked this morning.
Tim: You ask a guy to do a job...
[Al laughs as Tim removes the lid of the sprayer and finds a rubber snake attached.]
Tim: You are the master, Al. You know, Al, if you're gonna scare The Tool Man you gotta do a better job than that, right?
[Tim yells as a monster's head tears through the wall]

Quote from Randy

Jill: OK, guys, what do you want for dinner?
Randy: Actually, Brad and I were gonna take care of that tonight.
Jill: Wait a minute. My sons are volunteering to cook dinner?
Brad: Yeah, we've already got something in the microwave. Vegetarian lasagna.
Jill: Oh! You're not only cooking it, you're cooking something healthy?
Randy: Well, we haven't started it yet. Why don't you check to see if we put enough cheese on it?
Jill: Sure. You're so beautiful. I love you. [finds a bloody head in the microwave] [gasping] I hate you!
Brad: Gotcha.
Jill: I hate when you scare me like that.
Randy: And yet, we love it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [looks in the microwave] Well, you've burst the skull again, honey. You're supposed to poke holes in a severed head before you nuke it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Brad and Randy nearly gave me a heart attack with that disgusting thing.
Tim: They didn't wait for me?
Jill: Tim, this isn't funny. They put a rubber tarantula in Mark's underwear, and, you know what, they pumped slime through every slat in Wilson's fence.
Tim: They didn't wait for me?

Quote from Randy

Randy: That was weird. What do you think that was about?
Brad: Randy, Randy, Randy, don't you get it?
Randy: Of course I get it. What have I got?
Brad: We put the head in the microwave so Mom and Dad thought of something to get us back with.
Randy: I don't know. That guy Clifford seemed pretty believable.
Brad: Yeah, I've got to admit he was pretty real. But I still think this is a total set-up.
Randy: Yeah, easy for you to say. You're not the one sleeping in the basement.
Brad: Look, the guy said he knew Wilson. Let's go talk to Wilson. If Wilson says he's never heard of him we know it's a scam.
Randy: And if it isn't I'm switching rooms with Mark.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Head of monkey, brain of cat, eye of weasel, tail of rat, juice of mugwort, mastic, myrrh, all within the pot I stir.
Randy: What's that smell?
Wilson: Well, I'm making a mugwort-based witch's brew. You boys want a slug?
Randy: No, thanks. I'm trying to cut back on my mugwort.
Wilson: If you boys are over here to help me clean my fence you're a bit late.
Brad: Yeah, sorry we slimed you, Wilson.
Wilson: Oh, fortunately, it was a water-based slime. It hosed right off.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Randy, honey. Honey, everything is OK.
Brad: I don't know, Mom. He's really scared about this Clifford guy.
Tim: What are you crying about?
Randy: I'm not staying here. I know Clifford's gonna come back. He's gonna kill all of us.
Jill: Honey, he's not. This was just a stupid joke we played on you to scare you.
Tim: I didn't want to, but your mom wanted to.

Quote from Al

Randy: You guys really made this up?
Jill: No! I mean, yes. He did. Look, look, I swear. It is just a big mistake. I am so sorry, sweetheart. It's all over now.
Brad: Not unless you're just saying this so we won't be scared of Clifford.
Randy: I want to go home with Al where it's safe.
Al: Oh, now, come on, Randy. You heard your parents. There is no such person as Larry.
Tim: Yeah, come on. Listen to Al. There's no such... Larry? You mean, as in like "Halloween Larry"?
Al: Uh... No, as in Clifford, Clifford the murderer!
Randy: Halloween guy? Murderer? What difference does it make? Guys, I'm really scared here.
Tim: The difference is, Al just blew your stupid little joke.
Al: But we almost had you! [laughs] We did, didn't we? We got you guys! We didn't, we're all... Oh, man, I'm a Halloween washout. I'm a third-rate prankster.
Tim: Don't flatter yourself.

Quote from Brad

Randy: [coughing] Man, what is this stuff? I can't see a thing.
Brad: I don't know. [thunderclap] Maybe Dad left the window open and the warm air and cold air mixed and made fog. Wow. I just remembered something from Earth Science!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Why don't we go to Al's party?
Jill: There's no reason why we can't all go.
[the attic hatch closes]
Randy: That might be a reason.
Brad: Come on, Dad, the joke's over.
Tim: I didn't do this. Larry, did you rig this door shut?
Larry: Wish I had. It's a nice touch.
Jill: It's shut. We're locked in.
Tim: No worries. I'm the Tool Man. I'll get it open. [jumps up and down]
[meanwhile, downstairs:]
Wilson: So, Al, how long you gonna leave them up there?
Al: Oh, just long enough to let them know that Al Borland can prank with the best of them. [chuckling] Actually, you know, maybe I should let them down now before Tim does something stupid.
[After Al removes the large pole that was holding the attic hatch, Tim jumps through the hatch]

Quote from Tim

Jill: What are we gonna do about them?
Tim: Well, what any good parents would do. Scare the daylights out of them.
Jill: "An eye for an eye" is not my idea of good parenting.
Tim: Honey, I know this is your area and you're the expert here, but let me explain a little about the psychology of Halloween.
Jill: This should be good.
Tim: Just go with me for a minute. When a child puts a severed head, real or otherwise, in an oven, they're not doing that to scare you. They're doing that to reach out. They're saying, "Mom and Dad, I love you. Please, please, scare me."
Jill: [laughs] It would really mean a lot to you if I went along with this, wouldn't it?
Tim: It's not for me. It's for the children.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Can I help you?
Larry: I hope so. My name is Clifford Warren. [thunderclap] I'm in town for a funeral at the Pleasant Lake Mortuary. Lovely facility.
Randy: You need directions or something?
Larry: No, I was on my way and I just happened to pass by my old house and I was wondering if I could just stop in and take a look at the place.
Brad: You used to live here or something?
Larry: Oh, yes, with my brother, until the, uh... Well, you know.
Randy: What?
Larry: The incident!
Brad: What incident?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Guys, what do you think of my chicken?
Jill: Yeah, we're thinking of wearing these to Al's party.
Tim: Who are you?
Larry: I'm Clifford Warren. [thunderclap] He was just about to tell us about some incident that happened when he lived here.
Tim: There's no incident ever happened here. This is a normal American home filled with normal Americans.
Larry: Whatever you say. Yes, does that crazy man Wilson still live next door?
Tim: We don't know. We don't talk to our neighbors. I think it's about time you left, Mr. Clifford whatever.
Larry: Uh, before I go could I please take a look at the basement?
Randy: The basement? That's my room.
Larry: Oh. I am sorry.
Jill: Well, um, look, Clifford, it was nice to meet you. I'm sure you have other things to do.
Tim: You might try getting some sun!

Quote from Tim

Brad: Geez, what was that about?
Jill: It was 25 years ago. It's no big deal.
Randy: Why did Clifford want to see the basement?
Tim: He probably wanted to take a look at the new furnace I put in.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Come on in, Larry.
Larry: How did I do?
Tim: You gave me the creeps and I thought the story up.
Jill: Me, too. I don't know whether to write the check to Clifford or Larry.
Larry: Oh, make it out to my other name, "cash".

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